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Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life Paperback – March 2, 2021

by Emily Nagoski Ph.D. (Author)
4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 5,479 ratings
#1 Best Seller in General Sexual Health
See all formats and editions
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A revised and updated edition of Emily Nagoski’s game-changing New York Times bestseller Come As You Are, featuring new information and research on mindfulness, desire, and pleasure that will radically transform your sex life.

For much of the 20th and 21st centuries, women’s sexuality was an uncharted territory in science, studied far less frequently—and far less seriously—than its male counterpart.

That is, until Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are, which used groundbreaking science and research to prove that the most important factor in creating and sustaining a sex life filled with confidence and joy is not what the parts are or how they’re organized but how you feel about them. In the years since the book’s initial publication, countless women have learned through Nagoski’s accessible and informative guide that things like stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it—and that even if you don’t always feel like it, you are already sexually whole by just being yourself. This revised and updated edition continues that mission with new information and advanced research, demystifying and decoding the science of sex so that everyone can create a better sex life and discover more pleasure than you ever thought possible.
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Previous page
  1. Print length
    400 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publication date
    March 2, 2021
  4. Dimensions
    6 x 1.4 x 9 inches
  5. ISBN-10
    1982165316
  6. ISBN-13
    978-1982165314
  7. See all details
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Popular Highlights in this book
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Previous page
  1. Physical activity is the most efficient strategy for completing the stress response cycle and recalibrating your central nervous system into a calm state.
    Highlighted by 3,973 Kindle readers
  2. It’s the same sensation, but because the context is different, your perception of that sensation is different.
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From the Publisher

Editorial Reviews

Review

“This is the best book I have ever read about sexual desire and why some couples just stop having sex, and what they can do about it. Come As You Are is an absolutely necessary guide for all couples who want to understand the ups and downs in their own sex life. It is a must read!”
—John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

“Emily Nagoski has written one of the most important books about sex any woman (or anybody else) could ever pick up, full of insights that are both fascinating and deeply useful. Synthesizing new research and theory about sexuality with old-school sex-positive information of the sort you didn’t learn in sex ed (unless, perhaps, you are a Unitarian, or Scandinavian, or lucky enough to be in Dr. Nagoski’s class), I guarantee Come As You Are will open minds and change lives.”
— Carol Queen, Ph.D., Founding director, Center for Sex & Culture

“Emily Nagoski is worth her weight in TED Talks, and Come as You Are is a master-class in the science of sex.”
— Ian Kerner, sex therapist and bestselling author of She Comes First

“It’s the science of sex, decoded and demystified. Want to be educated on the latest findings about female genitalia? Of course you do. Empowering and sex-positive at best, this informative read makes for an enticing bedfellow.”
—Refinery29

“Lots of books — and articles and experts — claim to have the keys to transform your sex life. This one actually has it. It isn’t as fast as taking a pill, but it will last a whole lot longer. You will find no hot new bedroom moves — it’s that deeper-level soul stuff. You know, the stuff that actually works.”
—Salon.com

“Wonderful new language to help us articulate to women (and their lovers) what is going on.”
—Huffington Post

“Like a punch to the gut. When I read the passage that made me realize—after all these years—that I was not actually broken, I began to cry. . . . I wished [Nagoski] was someone who was actively in my life, someone I could reach out to for grounding every time I momentarily forgot the lessons in her book.”
—Book Riot

“Nagoski’s book deserves plaudits for the rare achievement of merging pop science and the sexual self-help genre in prose that’s not insufferably twee. . . . [Come As You Are] offers up hard facts on the science of arousal and desire in a friendly and accessible way.”
—The Guardian (UK)

About the Author

Emily Nagoski is the award-winning author of the New York Times bestseller Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, and the coauthor of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. She has an MS in counseling and a PhD in health behavior, both from Indiana University.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Simon & Schuster; Updated edition (March 2, 2021)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 400 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1982165316
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1982165314
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 1.4 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 5,479 ratings

About the author

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Emily Nagoski Ph.D.

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Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
4.7 out of 5
5,479 global ratings
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5 Stars
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This book is great for a girls book club, lots of hot topics no one talks about around female sexuality
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Top reviews from the United States

Emily Henk
5.0 out of 5 stars Important read!
Reviewed in the United States on April 4, 2024
Verified Purchase
Come As You Are is an important must read for anyone with a vagina, or anyone who wants to have a better understanding of their partner.

Before purchasing this book, I had read so many reviews about it changing their perspective on things (I was a little skeptical). It is 10000% true! I have learned so many things (that I should have learned in school) and even got my friends to read it as well.

Emily does an amazing job of keeping the reader engaged and gently addressing tough aspects of a woman's sexuality (such as trauma from SA). She creates a safe and encouraging learning environment. Please do yourself a favor and read this book!
10 people found this helpful
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Maddison
5.0 out of 5 stars Must Read!!
Reviewed in the United States on March 7, 2024
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This book is a MUST READ!! So informative, written in a smart way, and talks in depth about a taboo topic.
5 people found this helpful
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Kindle Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Learned so much (manly review)
Reviewed in the United States on January 21, 2024
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I just finished Come as You Are and it was so excellent. I’m a married 45 year old straight cisgender dude. I picked it up as it’s often recommended and am so glad I did. Not only do I have a much greater understanding of my wife, but it also significantly expanded my understanding of my own sexuality!

I also learned the difference between the vulva and vagina. That’s pretty neat.
52 people found this helpful
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David H.
4.0 out of 5 stars Overall a great book, but does have a little misinformation
Reviewed in the United States on February 8, 2024
Verified Purchase
I ended up writing to the author of this book to hopefully get a response before writing a review here so I could comment appropriately. Apparently, she must be too busy (or unwilling) to reply to her readers, so I'm going to post the email I sent her so that anyone buying this book can have this in mind while reading it. Before doing so though, I would stress that the book is a good book on its topic. The author has fallen victim to some modern non-sense that she mentions a few times in the book. You be the judge though! Here's the email I sent:

Good afternoon! First let me say that I read your "Come as you are book" and I would highly recommend this to any reader, male or female. It is really well researched and written.

I am a man and read a fairly large amount of books, a lot dealing with sexual themes. I have also observed after these last several years that the media, educators, and others (whom you point out in your book) have been working on pointing the figure at men (patriarchy) as a scapegoat for many things nowadays. This is absolutely untrue in modern times.

Looking in your book on page 201, you state:

"So what gives? Why does it feel so new, when every other year a book comes out that talk about it?
When I asked this question in my class, a student raised her hand and said with comic sourness: 'Patriarchy.'
Totally.
For centuries, men's sexuality has been the 'default' sexuality, so that where women differ from men, women get labeled 'broken'."

Ironically, if you skip to page 213, you actually nail who is currently actually responsible for all this mis-, and disinformation:

"Tell them calmly, joyfully, and confidently. No need to be defensive or aggressive - it's not their fault they don't know about nonconcordance. Actually, it's more my fault and the fault of all the other sex educators and researchers. We have failed to communicate this idea clearly to the world, and now you're stuck with the job of fixing our mistake. Sorry about that."

You also nail "patriarchy" again on 259. Again, this reference is as false as the one listed above. If this was not modern times, then I may agree with you that men would be responsible for disseminating false or misleading information since that was the patriarchy and women weren't allowed in these types of roles. However, as long as women have been able to write books, teach in schools, be journalists, etc, you can no longer point the finger at men for the wrong information getting out to our youth (both boys and girls) and thus getting propagated in a way that hurts women. Women are AT LEAST equal to this problem since they too are spreading the same information - per your own words (and anyone who can clearly think).

At this point, and although I still say it is a good book, your "Come as you are" is also passing misinformation along to its readers by pointing the finger at 50% of the population that is, at best, only 50% responsible! I would argue less than that because that would mean 100% of the male population would have to agree with your assessment that men "want it this way" because it "makes them superior" in some way or some other rationale. I would counter that most men actually love women and want to do what's best and most pleasurable for them. Do some men fit the profile your presenting? Yup! Do some women also fit that against men? Yup! You can't point the finger at one without it pointing back at you.

I hate to call for an update to your book to address this issue, but you really should consider it so that you aren't another source of more false information being propagate to others that I and other men will have to "clean up" - as you apologized for in your quote above. There are other places in it too (e.g. 312), so a thorough review might be in order...
85 people found this helpful
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K
5.0 out of 5 stars Content
Reviewed in the United States on March 9, 2024
Verified Purchase
This book was suggested by my therapist and it did not disappoint. Easy read and very useful and helpful information.
7 people found this helpful
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Brynn
5.0 out of 5 stars LOVE THIS BOOK
Reviewed in the United States on March 13, 2024
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Love this book!! Wonderful, must-read for any person in your life.
2 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Changed my whole outlook
Reviewed in the United States on December 20, 2023
Verified Purchase
I was recommended this book by my pelvic therapist after suffering years of pelvic floor dysfunction and with that sexual frustrations. This book really allowed me to realize how to understand sexual functioning and desire on a level I never was able to do before. I allowed me the proper wording to explain the things I felt or didn't feel. This book has changed my life and I can't recommend it enough. As a SA survivor this has allowed me to also shed some judgement and allowed a lot of undemanding of who I am and what my body is to me. I've already been buying my friends this book to help them discover the underlining truths of being a human being when it comes to sexuality. I can't thank the author or my pelvic therapist enough for this amazing opportunity for changing perspectives and moving forward in life with a better grounding and understanding of my own inner workings of my body, mind and soul.
41 people found this helpful
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Cynthia Oxley
5.0 out of 5 stars Come As You are
Reviewed in the United States on February 27, 2024
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Great book. Every woman should read and then have her mate read it.
2 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Ben eaton
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book
Reviewed in Canada on April 12, 2024
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Found it very interesting as a male reader
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Melany
5.0 out of 5 stars Justo lo que esperaba
Reviewed in Mexico on September 6, 2023
Verified Purchase
Versión en inglés, pasta suave. Venía nuevo dentro de su plástico. Gran libro que cualquier
Mujer en busca de su autoconocimiento sexual debería leer.
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Bex
5.0 out of 5 stars Mega recomendo para estudantes de educação, saúde e pessoas que querem ser saudáveis
Reviewed in Brazil on April 24, 2022
Verified Purchase
O livro chegou super bem, ainda embalado e mega rápido.
A versão é revisada e por ser dos EUA em papel de jornal.
Pelo índice você já nota a complexidade do assunto, pois não só aborda temas sociais e dúvidas frequentes sobre o corpo como "se ele é normal, odores e formas" mas também uma parte mais biológica, que é muito bem fundamentada cientificamente e sempre mostrando as fontes de pesquisa.
Recomendo para todo tipo de leitor pois é uma ótima introdução para quem quer seguir fazendo pesquisa pelas fontes e também caso você só queira saber mais sobre o corpo humano. A escrita é mega tranquila, nada acadêmica, mas não deixa a desejar de informações.
2 people found this helpful
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Rebecca Weikert
5.0 out of 5 stars great!
Reviewed in Germany on March 1, 2024
Verified Purchase
very informative. great worksheets too. good for working together also, we talk a lot about it and it helps our relationship a great deal, not only in bed. helps me deal with unhelpful internalized beliefs. everyone should read this.
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Client d'Amazon
5.0 out of 5 stars must read, pour les femmes comme pour les hommes
Reviewed in France on October 30, 2023
Verified Purchase
ce livre permet de sortir des idées préconçues, implicites sur la sexualité des femmes. Très facile à lire, pédagogue et bienveillant
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