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Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself Paperback – January 5, 2001

4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 150 ratings

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Are you a Disappearing Woman?

"Beverly Engel has identified a widespread problem and provided women with wise guidelines for bursting through it. She writes with compassion and insight. If you think you are a Disappearing Woman, you will drink in this book as if it were a health-giving elixir. It is!"-Susan Page, author of How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together and If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?

"This remarkably helpful book offers new insights into why so many women surrender their individuality in relationships. Don't wait until your hair is on fire to read it."-Maxine Schnall, founder and Executive Director of Wives Self Help

"A book of depth and power. I highly recommend it not only to women who lose themselves in their relationships with men but to the parents of adolescent girls who need to be taught how to view themselves as valuable beings separate from their relationships with men and boys."-Michael Gurian, author of The Good Son and A Fine Young Man

Do you frequently find yourself putting your lover's needs ahead of your own? Do you tend to lose yourself in your romantic relationships? Have you ever neglected your career, your friends, or even your health while in the midst of a love affair?

Now, in this landmark book, Beverly Engel examines the intricate reasons why so many women submerge themselves in their relationships with men-and offers a straightforward, empowering program that you can use to free yourself from the powerful grip of this all-too-common problem and rediscover yourself as a Woman of Substance.
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Editorial Reviews

From the Inside Flap

Are you a Disappearing Woman?

Beverly Engel has identified a widespread problem and provided women with wise guidelines for bursting through it. She writes with compassion and insight. If you think you are a Disappearing Woman, you will drink in this book as if it were a health-giving elixir. It is!-Susan Page, author of How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together and If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?

This remarkably helpful book offers new insights into why so many women surrender their individuality in relationships. Don't wait until your hair is on fire to read it.-Maxine Schnall, founder and Executive Director of Wives Self Help

A book of depth and power. I highly recommend it not only to women who lose themselves in their relationships with men but to the parents of adolescent girls who need to be taught how to view themselves as valuable beings separate from their relationships with men and boys.-Michael Gurian, author of The Good Son and A Fine Young Man

Do you frequently find yourself putting your lover's needs ahead of your own? Do you tend to lose yourself in your romantic relationships? Have you ever neglected your career, your friends, or even your health while in the midst of a love affair?

Now, in this landmark book, Beverly Engel examines the intricate reasons why so many women submerge themselves in their relationships with men-and offers a straightforward, empowering program that you can use to free yourself from the powerful grip of this all-too-common problem and rediscover yourself as a Woman of Substance.

From the Back Cover

Are you a Disappearing Woman?

"Beverly Engel has identified a widespread problem and provided women with wise guidelines for bursting through it. She writes with compassion and insight. If you think you are a Disappearing Woman, you will drink in this book as if it were a health-giving elixir. It is!" Susan Page, author of How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together and If I m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?

"This remarkably helpful book offers new insights into why so many women surrender their individuality in relationships. Don t wait until your hair is on fire to read it." Maxine Schnall, founder and Executive Director of Wives Self Help

"A book of depth and power. I highly recommend it not only to women who lose themselves in their relationships with men but to the parents of adolescent girls who need to be taught how to view themselves as valuable beings separate from their relationships with men and boys." Michael Gurian, author of The Good Son and A Fine Young Man

Do you frequently find yourself putting your lover s needs ahead of your own? Do you tend to lose yourself in your romantic relationships? Have you ever neglected your career, your friends, or even your health while in the midst of a love affair?

Now, in this landmark book, Beverly Engel examines the intricate reasons why so many women submerge themselves in their relationships with men and offers a straightforward, empowering program that you can use to free yourself from the powerful grip of this all-too-common problem and rediscover yourself as a Woman of Substance.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Wiley (January 5, 2001)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 304 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0471409790
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0471409793
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 13.6 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 1.1 x 9.2 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 150 ratings

About the author

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Beverly Engel
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Beverly Engel is an internationally recognized psychotherapist and an acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. She is the author of 23 self-help books, including 4 best selling books on emotional abuse: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, The Emotionally Abused Woman, and Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman, and Healing Your Emotional Self. Her latest book on emotional abuse is entitled Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing from the Shame You Don't Deserve (Dec 2020, Kensington). Currently her most popular book is entitled, It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion which came out in Jan. of 2015. Engel is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and has been practicing psychotherapy for 35 years.

Beverly’s books have often been honored for various awards, including being a finalist in the Books for a Better Life award. Many of her books have been chosen for various book clubs, including One Spirit Book Club, Psychology Today Book Club and Behavioral Sciences Book Club. Her books have been translated into many languages, including Japanese, Spanish, Chinese, Korean, Greek, Turkish and Lithuanian.

In addition to her professional work, Beverly frequently lends her expertise to national television talk shows. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and Starting Over, and many other TV programs. She has a blog on the Psychology Today website as well as regularly contributing to the Psychology Today magazine, and has been featured in a number of newspapers and magazines, including: Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Marie Claire, The Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, The Cleveland Plain Dealer, and The Denver Post.

She regularly conducts training workshops throughout the United States and the United Kingdom, for both professional and lay audiences. Recently she has been conducting trainings on emotional abuse for the United States Army, in both Texas and Georgia as part of their domestic violence training for staff.

Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
4.5 out of 5
150 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on October 1, 2014
I've just finished the book and I will highly recommend it to any woman who struggles to keep her Self in relationships. Before this book I was reading "Women who love too much" and was almost totally disappointed. It had many real stories, very similar and leading only to one conclusion: there is something wrong with it. But subconsiously people always know there is something wrong, and this conclusion should take only 1-2 chapters, because the next legitimate question is "What should I do then?" And "Women who love too much" relies too heavily on those anonymous groups. First of all, you should gain full awareness of yourself, and there was no stratgey at all for it. BUT in "Loving Him withoug Losing You" there is such a detailed plan of action that I was really admired. Beverly Engel has done her job really well. Compassionate but insistent, she acts lake a wise good friend, telling you where to pause, where to pay attention - and when to leave. She also understands all challenges that are standing on the way of Disappearing Women to finding and keeping their True Self. It seems she tells you "I know, I know your feelings but make another effort there, dear". Encouraging, with perfect structure, examples, questionnaires, this book is going to show you your new love life. I highly recommend this book and also taking all necessary notes and coming back to them as soon as they are relevant.
17 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on September 5, 2011
I've never written a book review before (and I read a lot!), but I just had to write one about this one. I read this book at a critical point in my life, and it opened my eyes, helped me pick myself up and move on to a much, much better place.

I've read a bunch of other self-help books before, but many were too academic or too cute-sy. This was the one that I held close as a guidebook in my journey of self-understanding and change.

Beverly Engel gives you a concrete way of assessing how much of a "disappearing" woman you are with questions that will make you stop and REALLY think. Then, she leads you to commitments to care for yourself more as a woman (and this is not fruity, cheesy advice) AND your man. Other self-help books sometimes paint men as the villains in a woman's quest to find and love herself. But, Beverly Engel shows you that by respecting your own boundaries, you're loving him, too. (Read it to find out why because she explains it so well.)

Before you think this book is just for the emotionally abused, it's not. I've never been in an abusive relationship, and no one would ever describe me as a weak woman, but this book has helped me say good-bye to so-so relationships and to giving more than I felt comfortable or than was right. It helped ready me for an equal and truly loving relationship. I consistently recommend it to all my girl friends, whether they are single, married, or exclusively dating.
8 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on June 2, 2023
Writer takes her time and explains everything very well.
Reviewed in the United States on November 8, 2015
My sister recommended this book to me when I was dating the guy from hell. If you are the type of woman who always puts a man's needs and desires before yours and then you wind up unhappy and unfulfilled then this book is for you. You can love a man and not lose yourself at the same time. If he loves you then he won't take, take, take. Relationships should be give and take, but there are those people, both men and women that are all too happy to always take and rarely or even never give.
10 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on March 29, 2014
This is an incredible book--I feel like I've had years of good therapy after finishing it. If you've survived a neglectful or emotionally, mentally or physically abusive romantic relationship, and you're afraid that you will fall into the same trap next time around, stop and read this book! I've had years of therapy but learned so much more about why I have a hard time sticking up for myself in relationships. Pretty painful in parts, especially if you do all of the exercises, but ultimately hopeful and so worth it. I bought this book after reading Engel's Healing Your Emotional Self, which is another incredible journey into healing past abuse, neglect and trauma to create a better now. We don't have to swear off relationships: we just have to show up for ourselves, to attract people who respect that about us.
6 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on April 27, 2022
Helps women everywhere stop being annoyingly clingy. It's unhealthy & kills the love.
Reviewed in the United States on June 4, 2020
I thought it was really informational but not really helpful.
Reviewed in the United States on December 20, 2016
I love the fact that the author takes an approach that can help women across a spectrum and yet still supply information for your individual needs. Since reading the book I've learned a great deal about myself and the causes to many of my relationship issues that have stemmed from places I didn't even think to look. It's one of those books that you have to read a few times to let everything sink in but well worth it in every way.
One person found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Kelsi
5.0 out of 5 stars Great
Reviewed in Canada on May 7, 2015
This was a really good book. It gives a lot of good tips on how to keep yourself focused on yourself and why it is crucial to do so. As always, Beverly Engel writes in a gentle and understanding way.
One person found this helpful
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Ms. N. J. Andrews
5.0 out of 5 stars A Life Saver
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 5, 2013
I never write reviews, but I'm so grateful for having found this book that I feel morally obligated.
Reading this book was like wiping the dust off of a mirror and really seeing myself clearly for the first time in my adult life. It helped me to understand the things that I do and why. It also made me realise (and I'm ashamed to say that I needed informing) what's out of line from a partner. What not to put up with. What wasn't okay. I can't say that I NEVER slip back into bad habits, but when I do, I realise it an awful lot quicker, and tend to nip things in the bud before they become a major issue.
For the people who haven't found it helpful, all I can say is that the content wasn't applicable to you (you lucky things). If it was, you couldn't not give it five stars.
My only MINOR criticism was that it is SLIGHTLY American - a little sappy/peppy for a British pallet. Their self help culture is a little overkill for us at times, but it's not hard to get over.

Just buy it.
5 people found this helpful
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claire butcher
5.0 out of 5 stars very good
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 22, 2020
this book should be given to all young girls ,i loved it and have kept it for reference it is def a forever book ,
its easy to wonder why your not happy or why you feel your partner isn't making you happy but once you read this book you will begin to understand so much and then it helps you discover yourself.
2 people found this helpful
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Auntie Teapot
4.0 out of 5 stars Useful read
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 1, 2016
Really helpful and reassuring, and good content. However, I don't like the broadcast style, ie. as I read its about 'Many of you' rather than just 'you', which would feel better, but that's a personal thing. Also don't like the frequent focus on women who come from addictive backgrounds. However again, just because it's not relevant to me, doesn't mean others won't find that useful or relevant. Overall, I've found it very useful, so it was worth buying. :)
Kady
5.0 out of 5 stars An excellent book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 29, 2015
Firstly, I found a recommendation for this book in another review. This book is excellent. It deals with some pretty hard issues and can take time to digest. All I can say is thank goodness for kindle as you can read it privately and highlight relevant bits as you like without any embarrassment. I would recommend this to anyone who is having issues in their relationships and also friendships so that you can get a better understanding of why. It is a very revealing book. If you need support in this area, I would recommend this highly.
One person found this helpful
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