Vulnerability Hangover: Definition, Signs, & How to Cope

What Is a Vulnerability Hangover?

A vulnerability hangover, a term first coined by Brené Brown, occurs after individuals are open and honest with others about their feelings.¹ While expressing emotions truthfully is good, sometimes a person may feel they have shared too much. They may experience bouts of anxiety because they feel overexposed. For some, vulnerability leads to pulling back from others to protect themselves. Being open can generate physiological responses including a rapid heartbeat, sweating, shakiness, or feelings of nausea.

Weighing the pros and cons of being vulnerable can be emotionally exhausting due to the potential weight and fallout such exposure can carry. Once we’ve put our words out there, we can’t take them back. The worry about having said too much can take a heavy emotional toll. Some people are more prone to vulnerability hangovers than others, such as introverts and highly sensitive people.

Why Do Vulnerability Hangovers Happen?

Some people believe vulnerability is a weakness or fear being rejected for their thoughts and feelings. Others may suffer from imposter syndrome, which describes the self-doubt they have about their own competence or ability. Individuals may experience vulnerability hangovers after sharing not only with people they don’t know well, but with family, friends, helping professionals, and other loved ones. Those with low self-esteem or rejection sensitive dysphoria may also more prone to this experience.

Signs of a Vulnerability Hangover

Many signs can indicate a vulnerability hangover, but these differ based on the person. Some signs may include blaming themselves for being open, doubting their  ability to “read the room,” or a desire to retreat from people for a while. Other symptoms include extreme worry about what others think or fears that one will be rejected by those who had always accepted them. Just as a vulnerability hangover might show up immediately or days after sharing, symptoms vary in appearance and duration. They are typically similar to symptoms of anxiety.

Signs of a vulnerability hangover may include:

• Rumination on a conversation
• Extreme shame about sharing information
• Self-doubt about your decision to share
• Anxiety about your next encounter with the person you shared with
• Worry about what others are thinking about you
• Fear of abandonment or being laughed at

10 Ways to Cope With a Vulnerability Hangover

Fortunately, you can take simple steps to ease a vulnerability hangover. Just reminding yourself that this is a common occurrence can be the first push toward recovery. While you may feel sick at heart and want to hide away from others, you can turn this experience into an opportunity for personal growth.

Here are 10 tips for coping with a vulnerability hangover:

1. Find a Safe Space

When overwhelmed, find a safe space to explore and manage your emotions. This could be an actual physical space or simply a psychological one where you give yourself permission to be fully present. You can use this space as a retreat to decompress safely. Sometimes, having a quiet room and a few minutes to yourself is helpful.

Another way to create safety is to have a person with whom you can be honest and authentic about your vulnerabilities without feeling judged. Emotions can be complex, so taking time to cool down, focus on the present rather than the past, and collect yourself can help you minimize a vulnerability hangover.

2. Identify Your Emotions

When you enter your safe space, take time to explore exactly how you feel. Break down your thoughts into separate, identifiable emotions. You can gain a sense of control simply by naming what you are experiencing. Feeling unsure about what is going on inside your head and heart can be scary and provoke anxiety. By acknowledging each emotion, you take these feelings and responses into your own hands.

3. Reflect on Your Emotions

Once you’ve had time to sort through your emotions, take time to identify where they come from. Ask yourself questions such as, “What aspect of being vulnerable was disconcerting,” or “What areas of your life are hard for you to be honest about?” By figuring out what leads you to feel discomfort, you gain a better understanding of yourself. Use your experience as a tool for better self-awareness and understanding.

4. Practice Relaxation Techniques

One of the best ways to re-group and gain a sense of control over runaway emotions is through relaxation techniques. When you constantly catastrophize the possible results of oversharing, practicing relaxation can refocus and pull your brain away from this exaggerated cliff. Try deep breathing, meditating, or progressive muscle relaxation.

5. Put Your Inner Critic on Pause

A person is often harder on themselves than other people would be. When your inner critic takes over, silencing it can be difficult. If you are especially prone to negative self-talk and insecurity, you are probably well familiar with your inner critic and may also have a higher susceptibility to a vulnerability hangover. When you start berating yourself, intercept and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Remind yourself of your strengths and kind words others have shared about you.

6. Distract Yourself

When we see a child become frustrated or upset with a situation, we know instinctively to distract them with something more pleasant. We should treat ourselves similarly. When feeling upset at yourself or worried about future encounters with others, engage in an activity that brings you joy. Whether going for a walk, playing with your children, spending time with your pets, or some other pastime,  focus solely on the activity and your enjoyment. Let yourself appreciate the moment without worry.

7. View Discomfort as Growth

Counselors often remind clients that change can be painful, as humans prefer familiar routines and responses. Feeling discomfort after being vulnerable can indicate an opportunity for growth. To be vulnerable with another person is a display of trust–both trust and healthy communication are essential for building relationships. Acknowledge the strength you exhibited by being vulnerable with another person. Also, remind yourself that this discomfort is a sign of personal growth and discomfort lessens with time.

8. Reframe Vulnerability as a Strength

Many cultures view vulnerability as a weakness. However, being willing to share your true self with others takes courage–this fact alone makes vulnerability a strength. Honesty is essential to healthy relationships. When you can be honest about who you are, you show just how strongly invested you are in another person. If you are feeling weak after being open with someone, focus on the ways vulnerability exemplifies strength. Embrace this mindset to learn to love yourself. To be vulnerable is to take a risk and push through existing barriers.

9. Recognize That Perspectives Differ

Remember, your feelings and memories about a moment of vulnerability are likely more intense than those of others who were there. People tend to obsess over their own issues. Who you share with will likely forget about the incident before you will. The relative importance of our vulnerability differs greatly based on our perspective.

10. Take a Long-Range View

Rather than getting caught up in a short-term perspective, step back and take a long-range view. Having been vulnerable with another person serves to build up your inner strength and helps prepare you for future relationship opportunities. Your honesty also modeled positive behavior, which may have shaped the path of someone else. Recognize that feelings are fleeting, and the awful way you feel today will likely be a fading memory or forgotten entirely in a short while.

Things to Consider Before Being Vulnerable With Others

While being vulnerable with others is an opportunity for growth and the deepening of relationships, choosing when and how to be vulnerable is important. Be selective about the people with whom you are vulnerable and be intentional in choosing appropriate moments to share. Opening a window into your inner self is encouraged when you are with trustworthy and caring people. Don’t give away this precious gift to those who cannot appreciate its worth.

Before being vulnerable with someone, it is important to:

• Consider your audience: Ask yourself if the people you’re with will be supportive of you and if they would be equally vulnerable with you. Relationships are built on mutual trust, honesty, and respect. If your audience does not offer these to you, you may want to re-consider being vulnerable to them.
• Perform a risk assessment: This refers both to the content and the audience involved. Ask yourself what would happen if what you share isn’t received in the way it was meant to be, or is considered to be “too much, too soon.”
• Find a safe place: It’s important to feel comfortable when being vulnerable, so choose a place where you can feel psychologically and physically safe.
• Prepare and practice your message: Rehearsing can allow you to feel more in control of a conversation, helping to ease the anxiety that being open can bring. Knowing exactly what you want to say can lessen the chance of saying too much.
• Accept the discomfort: By planning for discomfort and anxiety, you can have a game plan in place for managing this. Try using positive self-talk beforehand, and intentionally slowing down your breath during the discussion.

When to Seek Professional Help

When you feel paralyzed with anxiety or shame from a vulnerability hangover, you may want to consider seeking professional support. If fears of negative repercussions keep you from enjoying life, speaking with a therapist can help you overcome these setbacks, either face-to-face or via online therapy. Warning signs that signal a need for therapy include being uncomfortable around and anxious around others. Working with a therapist can provide a non-judgmental space where vulnerability and authenticity can be practiced.