Tend & Befriend Response to Stress: Definition & How to Practice

What Is the Tend & Befriend Response?

The tend-and-befriend response refers to the instinct to look after younger, vulnerable children during a stressful moment. This concept is rooted in the idea that people, especially women, tend to connect during hardship. In other words, we go toward instead of against when life gets hard. We also deeply look after our offspring to ensure their survival.

Tend & Befriend Vs. Fight or Flight

The fight-or-flight and tend and befriend responses are automatic reactions to stress triggered by the nervous system. In fight or flight, a surge of adrenaline and norepinephrine drives humans to attack or run away from a threat. Conversely, tend and befriend releases oxytocin that triggers a desire to nurture and bond with others.

History of the Tend & Befriend Response

Psychology professor Shelley Taylor and her researchers first used the tend and befriend term in their article Biobehavioral Responses to Stress in Females: Tend-and-Befriend, Not Fight-or-Flight.  Experts have since categorized this response toward connection as a way females respond to stress within the framework of evolutionary psychology.¹

How Gender Impacts the Tend & Befriend Response

Females may be more likely than males to have a tend and befriend response to stress due to the role of oxytocin. Estrogen enhances oxytocin, sometimes called the “cuddle hormone,” involved in bonding and relationships. Additionally, from an evolutionary standpoint, females were typically focused more on relationships and community than males.

Another theory is men may shy away from vulnerable emotions and exhibit aggression when stressed. However, males can develop a tend and befriend response and would benefit from the advantages as much as women.

Examples of Tend & Befriend

Tend and befriend is a natural response to stress or perceived threats. In other cases, this behavior is an interpersonal strength responsible for securing attachment to others. People likely have this response in varying capacities, with some leaning on connection more than others. In its overarching sense, tend and befriend simply refers to giving and receiving support.

Below are examples of a tend and befriend response:

• Spending time with family after a hard day at work
• Gathering with friends after losing a loved one
• Texting someone when you’re going through a hard time
• Sending a loved one a gift or flowers when you know they’re having a difficult time
• Engaging in random acts of kindness toward others
• Asking for help or support when you want to talk

What Are the Benefits of the Tend & Befriend Response?

Humans unquestionably value connection with others. We are born relying on people for survival, and this primitive need doesn’t disappear as we become more autonomous. The tend and befriend response can lead to deeper friendships, collaborative problem-solving, more support, and greater fulfillment and meaning in life.

How to Build a Positive Support System

Building a positive support system takes both time and effort. Start by reflecting on your current relationships. You may benefit by nurturing past or current friendships. Consider seeking additional support by joining specific communities, support groups, volunteer opportunities, or social hobbies–these steps can expose you to new people with shared interests.

Here are ten ways to strengthen your tend and befriend support system:

1. Increase communication: Communicating your needs strengthens your social support system. Allowing others to be there for you when facing stress can deepen relationships, foster vulnerability, and provide guidance.
2. Find a hobby: Finding an enjoyable hobby has multiple benefits, including meeting like-minded people and building a support system. Positive activities are also a source of creativity and fun!
3. Attend group therapy: Group therapy is another effective way to help strengthen a social support system. Meeting others who have experienced similar stresses makes individuals feel more supported and understood. These settings also provide opportunities to support others.
4. Find an individual therapist: Talking with a skilled therapist can help individuals feel less alone, identify ways to strengthen relationships, and overcome unhealthy patterns. You can find the right therapist by asking friends or medical professionals for a referral or browsing an online therapist directory.
5. Get active: Engaging in an active group activity can be an easy way to meet new people and strengthen your support system.5 Alternatively, meeting a friend for a walk or gym session can foster current connections and bring you closer to loved ones.
6. Try meditation: Meditation groups and classes are available to meet individuals with common interests.
7. Adopt a pet: Events and meet-ups where pet owners can mingle are another way to meet people and build support.
8. Volunteer: Volunteering gives back to your community and can be a great way to make new friends. Look for volunteer opportunities that align with your interests and skills.
9. Take a class: Taking a class can also boost your support system while learning new skills or knowledge. For example, consider a cooking class, learning a new language, or taking on a new craft like knitting. The local rec center or community college is one place to start for ideas.
10. Be patient with yourself: Meeting new people and building community and support takes time! Give yourself credit for putting yourself out there and trying new things.