Weaponized Incompetence: 7 Signs, Examples, & How to Deal

What Is Weaponized Incompetence?

Weaponized incompetence is also known as manipulative incompetence, strategic incompetence, toxic incompetence, or deceptive incompetence. A person uses this to avoid having to do an action again in the future. It also puts the responsibility of the task on another person to complete. The concept of teamwork is very important, as anyone can be impacted by this behavior.

Weaponized incompetence can occur across relationships, including:

• Sibling relationships
• Parent-child relationships
• Marriages
• Romantic relationships
• Roommates
• Friendships
• Coworkers
• Teacher-student dynamic
• Counselor-student dynamic

7 Signs of Weaponized Incompetence

There are many signs that weaponized incompetence is occurring, such as overhearing someone say they are not sure they can do an action, are not sure how to do it, or do not have the time to learn how to do it. The one similarity across these signs is the sense that responsibility will soon be handed off to someone else.

Here are seven signs of weaponized incompetence:

1. They Do Simple Tasks Badly

One major sign of weaponized incompetence is when a person completes a task poorly on purpose with the intent of passing on the responsibility to others. It sends the message that this person cannot be trusted with future tasks, thus you will be less likely to ask them for help again.

2. You Take On Most or All of the Work

If you find yourself taking on a lot of work, projects, or tasks in any manner of setting–whether it’s with a family member, spouse, friend group, or at work–this can be a sign that you are experiencing weaponized incompetence. It may seem easier to complete the tasks ourselves, instead of trying to get the other party to perform an adequate job.

3. You Feel Manipulated or Taken Advantage of

Be aware if you are feeling manipulated or taken advantage of, as you may be dealing with weaponized incompetence. People who purposefully perform badly do so to manipulate you and use your generosity for their own pleasure.

4. You Feel Alone

If you are feeling alone in your efforts when working on tasks or projects that need to get done, weaponized incompetence may be to blame. In many situations, it’s common for others to be delegated certain responsibilities. But, if you constantly feel like you are alone and without support, this is definitely a red flag.

5. You Don’t Trust Them

Trust is important for any kind of relationship. If you have trust, you are able to rely on a person for fulfilling wants or needs. When there is a lack of trust, they have shown you in the past that you cannot rely on them. Humans are flawed and there may be times when people truly have the intent to support you, but are not able to for their own reasons unrelated to weaponized incompetence. However, be mindful of when you feel chronically let down.

6. You Feel Burnt Out

When you are doing too much for others all of the time, you begin to feel drained and burnt out. If you are asking for help and support from important people in your life, but they continually fail to provide this (excluding instances of valid barriers), it’s typical and expected for you to become exhausted. We all need support.

7. You Find Yourself Hearing Certain Phrases a Lot

There are common phrases used by people (person A) who abuse weaponized incompetence, that in turn produce common responses in those they use it on (person B).

Phrases used by people who employ weaponized incompetence may include:

Person A phrases:

• I don’t know how to do that.
• I’m going to mess this up.
• You are definitely more equipped to do this.
• I don’t have time–can you do it?
• If I do this, I will mess it up.
• That’s not something I’m good at.
• I did it so badly last time, so you should just do it.

Person B responses:

• I’ll just do it.
• Why are you doing it that way?
• You did it that way before.
• You won’t mess it up, but if you need help let me know.
• Let me handle it.
• Never mind, I can do it.

Examples of Weaponized Incompetence

Weaponized incompetence can appear differently across various settings. In relationships, it can look like avoiding doing certain chores. In friendships, it can include not being available to help with a project that is meaningful to you. A coworker may skirt responsibility from themselves by suggesting that you are better at a certain task than they are.

Weaponized Incompetence in Relationships & Marriage

Weaponized incompetence can manifest in relationships and marriages. It can sometimes come across as codependency or manipulation–but over time, patterns of dysfunctional behaviors and communication can become the norm. It’s important to really check yourself and think about the implications of your partner’s actions.

Common examples of weaponized incompetence in relationships & marriage include:

• You do all of the household chores: Division of labor in the house isn’t always 50/50. Sometimes you or your partner have a long day at work, a trip booked for work, or are just dealing with challenges. However, if you are doing all the housework all of the time, this crosses a line.
• Your partner doesn’t understand a simple grocery list: When you ask your partner for help with groceries and are able to give them a list, it makes it a lot easier for them to pick up the items the house needs. If your partner is not able to problem solve and pick up a similar item or give you a call to check if an item is out of stock, it can feel like weaponized incompetence.
• You make all the plans for the dates, kids, vacations, etc.: There is always one person in a relationship who is a planner, and their partner who shows up and packs last minute. While there is nothing wrong with this in itself, the planning it takes to coordinate everything requires a lot of emotional labor. If your partner is never offering or suggesting tasks they can help with–or even completing them when asked–it is a sign weaponized incompetence.

Weaponized Incompetence at Work

Weaponized incompetence commonly occurs in coworker relationships and across power dynamics in the workplace. In groups and teams, it may occur within cliques, and individuals who are not part of that clique are left to handle more than their fair share. This is a sign of a toxic work environment, and can lead to work burnout.

Examples of weaponized incompetence at work may include:

• Your coworker insists that you take on some of her responsibilities because you’re better at them: This is a classic sign of weaponized incompetence. If you have a team and all members of the team have their own job functions, it’s assumed that each person is responsible for their tasks. If a coworker is asking you to take their work because you are “better at it,” they are taking advantage of you.
• Your coworker claims she “didn’t know” about shared responsibilities: This is a common theme among small teams in which work is shared, but everyone still has distinct job functions.
• Your coworker asks you to cover for them a lot: We all have things that come up from time to time, and a good team will step in to support one another. However, if one person continually asks for coverage without a real reason, it can be a red flag for weaponized incompetence.

Weaponized Incompetence in Families

Weaponized incompetence within families occurs frequently, as it can appear in less than obvious ways. For example, it may be interpreted as typical sibling rivalry or parent and teen bickering. Sometimes, parents don’t realize they are doing this or that this is happening, and can subconsciously teach the family members that this behavior is acceptable.

Some examples of weaponized incompetence in families include:

• A sibling who avoids doing a chore they are responsible for so the other sibling is asked to do it: Kids will always try to get out of chores. However, when they are scapegoating their siblings into completing a task by creating a situation in which they themselves are not able to, this is a form of weaponized incompetence.
• When a teen asks their parents to do something for them when they are capable of doing it themselves: This may look like a teen asking for a meal, because they “don’t know how to make it properly.”

How to Deal with Weaponized Incompetence

There are methods a person can use to deal with weaponized incompetence across relationships. It may seem hard to imagine, but addressing this involves holding others accountable and allowing yourself to not be the “fixer” in every situation.

Here are some ways to deal with weaponized incompetence:

Talk to Them About It

It’s important to talk to the people upsetting you about how you feel. Explain how their actions and behaviors are impacting you. It is possible that they are not aware of the impact. But, openly calling attention to the issue makes it clear that you are noticing the behavior.

Hear Them Out

Hearing a person out can be beneficial, as it can help uncover the possible cause behind a person’s behavior. They may be dealing with something you don’t know about, so this allows for everyone to feel closer and more connected.

Set Clear Boundaries

It is important to set healthy boundaries when dealing with weaponized incompetence. Boundaries with parents, in relationships, and within friendships are important, as when these rules are ignored, it can build anger and resentment.

Hold Each Other Accountable

If you are trying to recover from a pattern of weaponized incompetence, it is important to continue holding people accountable for their actions. Discussing what that accountability looks like and how to approach the conversation is helpful.

Create Actionable Plans

Creating an action plan to help you get organized is critical. It can be hard to create change without having a plan, so thinking of a plan that works for you and honors your needs will be beneficial in the long run.

Can Therapy Help People Deal With Weaponized Incompetence?

Therapy is always a good way to handle weaponized incompetence, especially if other approaches are not working. This behavior can be the sign of a deeper relational or mental health issue. Benefits of therapy include learning how to communicate and problem solve effectively, grow empathy, and build trust. To find the right therapist, you can start a search using an online therapist directory to locate a professional who may fit your needs.

Final Thoughts

What you are dealing with may seem unique to you, but know that you are not alone. There are a lot of at-home tips and tricks you can try on your own. But, always know that therapy is a great option when things begin to feel overwhelming. It’s possible to recover from this and have more harmony in all your relationships.