How to Help a Man With Depression

Symptoms of Depression in Men

Depression in men can look very different from depression in women, although not all the time. The things you may think about immediately may be unexplained sadness, lack of energy, and lack of interest in activities that used to be fun. Men also can exhibit increased irritability, irrationality or impulsiveness, increased aggression or fits of anger with depression, and changes in sleep and eating patterns.

Common symptoms of depression in men include:

• Uncharacteristic irritability
• Unusual eating, either loss or vast change in appetite
• Withdrawal from others
• Loss of interest in work or leisure activities
• Unusual sleep patterns or lethargy
• Unusual use of substances
• Inability to uphold commitments or responsibilities

5 Tips for Helping a Man With Depression

One study suggests that 48% of men do not seek help when experiencing symptoms of depression.¹ Untreated depression leads to a higher likelihood of suicide, among other negative impacts socially and relationally. Because depression in men does not always look like typical depression symptoms, they may be confused and unaware they could be experiencing depression.

It is important to let men in your life who you see may be dealing with depression know that you can see that they are going through something difficult. Let them know it is okay to get professional help and that you support them in that. You do not have to take on their care, but do share your concern in a respectful way.

Here are five ways to support a man with depression:

1. Offer to Help Find Treatment Options

Encouraging treatment offers them the chance to regain control over their mental health and improve their lives. Therapy for depression provides a safe and supportive way for individuals to explore their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, leading to healthier coping skills and reduced symptoms.

Treatment options for depression to explore include:

• Psychodynamic therapy: Psychodynamic therapy explores unconscious thoughts, emotions, and inner conflicts in order to understand and address the root cause of psychological distress. It works by helping you gain insight into your unconscious conflicts and develop healthier ways of coping and relating to others.
• Medications: Medications for depression include a variety of types. Most typically prescribed are SSRIs, which alter serotonin levels in the brain, and can lead to reduced symptoms with minimal side effects. Always consult your healthcare provider before starting a medication.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT for depression focuses on identifying and challenging automatic thinking patterns that lead to unwanted behaviors or emotions. CBT can be effective in changing the habitual processes of the mind, leading to reduced symptoms and reduced harmful behaviors.
• Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT): IPT is a structured and time-limited approach that focuses on current relationships and problems rather than the past. This approach addresses relationship tension, life changes, grief and loss, and interpersonal functioning as a way to reduce symptoms.
• Group Therapy: Group therapy can provide a supportive environment to share experiences, receive feedback, and learn coping skills while also gaining a sense of community and shared understanding around depression.
• Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS): TMS is an outpatient non-invasive procedure that uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression. Approved by the FDA in 2008, this treatment is typically considered an option if standard treatments of talk therapy and medication do not work.

2. Know the Warning Signs of Suicide

Knowing the warning signs of suicide can potentially save a life, and will enable you to know when it is crucial to say something or get help on behalf of your loved one. Suicide is a serious concern, and males are four times more likely to die by suicide than their female counterparts.²

Common warning signs of suicide include:

• Complete social withdrawal
• Talking about suicide, death, or dying
• Acquiring a firearm or other means to die by suicide
• Giving away money or belongings
• Saying goodbye to people with a sense of finality
• Increased use of alcohol or substances
• Increased risk-taking behaviors

If you are concerned a male in your life may be suicidal, voice your concern to them and ask if they are thinking about suicide. Asking does not increase suicide risk, but does increase the likelihood they will get help. If you know someone who is thinking about suicide, you can call 9-8-8, the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, to get direct support for yourself and them.

3. Stay Connected

Staying connected with your male loved one can provide the support they need to make it through their symptoms, or even just feel like they are not alone. Loneliness can worsen depressive symptoms,³ so checking in on your male loved ones goes a long way.

Continue to engage in activities together and maintain social connections. Isolation can worsen depression, so encourage him to stay connected with friends and family while respecting his need for space when necessary.

4. Be Patient

Depression can bring about periods of improvement followed by setbacks, and it might take time to find the right treatment that works for him. Keep from rushing him or setting unrealistic expectations for a quick recovery. Instead, offer consistent support and understanding during moments of struggle. Try to point out the things that you see he is working on or is improving at, and remind him that it will take time if he becomes discouraged.

5. Promote Self-Care

Encourage healthy habits like exercise, eating a balanced diet, getting the right sleep, and sticking to an established routine. Offer an invite if you’re going out, going to the gym, etc. Depression can reduce motivation and energy for doing things that bring pleasure or are good for the body and mind. Having another person to help engage in these types of activities can provide the support he needs to do them.⁴

What Not to Do When Helping Men With Depression

You should avoid minimizing or invalidating his feelings. Don’t pressure him to just “snap out of it” or dismiss his struggle with platitudes such as “just think positive thoughts”. This can increase a sense of isolation and hopelessness. This could possibly communicate that you don’t understand what he is going through and may not be open to learning. Try not to get frustrated and give up or avoid him, as this does the same.

Here are a few things to avoid when supporting a man with depression:

Think It Is Your Responsibility to Fix Them

While you may care for this man deeply, it is not your responsibility to “fix” him, and it may not be your responsibility to directly provide care for him. Trying to fix him implies that there is something damaged about him, when in reality, his brain just works a bit differently than others. He is not your project, but someone to encourage and support.

Ignoring Warning Signs

Never ignore or minimize signs of self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you see behavior that concerns you, talk to him about it or seek some professional support to address it. If he is talking about suicide or death, take it seriously and communicate your concerns. If you need assistance with this, you can reach out to 9-8-8, the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, to get direct support for yourself and him.

Minimize His Feelings

Do not downplay his emotions. This usually comes in the form of “It’s not that bad” or “You’re overreacting”. This can invalidate his emotions and deepen his sense of isolation and helplessness, making it less likely that he’ll open up or seek help. Instead, try to acknowledge that what he is experiencing is significant to him, and provide a safe space for him to talk about it without judgment.

Offer Unsolicited Advice

Try not to give advice or direction unless he asks for it. Sometimes it comes across as judgemental if it is unsolicited. Instead, try to communicate your own concern for him, and ask if he would like some help with things or to think through things together. This may open the door for him to open up, or realize he can trust you not to try and rescue him, but to hear him out.

Be Non-Judgmental About Medication

If he’s taking medication, avoid expressing judgment around it, which only perpetuates and increases the stigma associated with accessing mental health treatment. Medication can be a crucial part of treatment for many men with depression, and your support is important. If you personally do not believe in taking medication, be aware that it is only your position, and your opinion on the matter does not warrant shaming someone for accessing treatment that is helping them.

How to Have a Conversation With a Man About Their Depression

Choose a private, comfortable setting to talk about your concerns with him. After all, this is likely a very sensitive subject for him. Try to stay non-judgmental and curious about what he is dealing with, and try to be supportive when talking about his depression. Be mindful that he may not be ready or willing to open up yet, and that is okay. Communicate that you are there to support him when he is.

Be mindful that you don’t need to have all the answers, or even have a deep understanding of what depression is to learn from him about what he is dealing with, and offer support. A first conversation about it may lead to more, or may provide an opportunity for him to seek some help.

Here are a few tips on how to approach having a conversation with a male about their depression:

• Educate yourself beforehand: You don’t have to be an expert to talk with someone about depression, but you should familiarize yourself a bit with what it is generally.
• Stay Curious and Non-Judgmental: Encourage him to share by asking open-ended questions, such as “How have you been feeling lately?”. Lean toward curiosity rather than judgment in the conversation. Avoid offering solutions right away, and just hear him out.
• Validate and Offer Support: Let him know that you’re there for him and willing to provide support, and validate his experience. Saying something like “I understand that you’re going through a tough time, and your feelings are valid,” can help to do this.
• Use “I” Statements: Begin the conversation with empathy, using “I” statements to express your observations and feelings. For example, say, “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed down lately, and I’m worried about you.”
• Know Who To Call: If the conversation leads to the revelation of suicidal thoughts or other concerning behaviors, or if he acknowledges he needs some help, it may be good to have a resource to access. The 9-8-8 National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is a good resource to get connected with some immediate help.

How to Seek Professional Support

An online therapist directory or online therapy platform is a good choice for finding a therapist who specializes in depression. If you are in an emergency or urgent situation, though, The National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 9-8-8 can be a good resource to call. Alternatively, you may be able to find an in-network provider by calling your insurance company to ask for a list of providers for psychotherapy.

In My Experience

In my experience, depression in men often looks different than depression in women, presenting as more impulsive behavior, paired with irritability, aggressiveness, and social withdrawal. Common symptoms are usually still present, like disrupted sleep patterns, loss of interest in activities, and suicidal thoughts. Men tend to be more resistant to accessing help for mental health concerns, and it is important that those in their lives be supportive of and encourage them to seek help. You can be supportive by encouraging them to seek help and staying connected with them in their journey with depression. Social support is a contributing factor to successful treatment.

When it comes down to it, there are treatment options available that are safe and effective. It is completely normal to get some professional help with depression, and you are not alone in this fight.