How to Leave an Abusive Relationship: Advice From an Expert

If You Need Immediate Help

If you sense an immediate threat to yourself or your children, don’t hesitate—call 911 or visit the nearest police station. Domestic abuse situations can be unpredictable, and you have the right to live safely and free from violence.

If you wish to discuss your options with a compassionate and informed advocate, you can reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). They are available 24/7 to help you with safety planning, guide you through the process of leaving, and, if needed, assist in finding a secure shelter in your area.

How to Leave an Abusive Relationship

A significant number of domestic violence homicides occur when the abuser thinks that the victim has either left or is on the verge of leaving the relationship.¹ The risk escalates when the abuser senses a loss of power and control.⁵ Consequently, the choice to leave an abusive partner requires thorough planning to minimize the risk of harm to victims and their children.

Here are six tips for how to prepare to leave an abusive relationship:

1. Identify ways to keep yourself safe: Identifying your safety includes identifying a safe person to contact for help and a safe place to go after leaving. If applicable, you should also identify steps to protect children and pets and establish code words for danger.
2. Evaluate the areas in the home that may pose risks: Areas that may be dangerous include those lacking exits and containing potential weapons (such as the kitchen, bathroom, and garage). Additionally, take note of the whereabouts of any guns and make sure they are secured. When there is a gun present, abused women are six times more likely to be killed.⁶
3. Set aside spare cash: Gradually set aside spare change and extra cash, and contemplate opening a separate checking account in your name at a different bank.
4. Pack a to-go bag to be stored securely: A to-go bag should include a list of crucial phone numbers and addresses if not memorized, spare keys, a phone charger, essential documents like driver’s license, passports, green cards, birth certificates, social security cards, insurance cards, marriage license, financial papers, and relevant court documents. Also, include extra cash, necessary medications, spare clothing, and important, irreplaceable items such as photographs, family heirlooms, jewelry, etc.
5. Ensure your car is ready to go: Maintain the car with a full tank of gas and in good working order at all times. Additionally, park in a manner that allows a quick and easy exit.
6. Engage in age-appropriate discussions with your kid(s): Have conversations with your kid(s) regarding safety, insisting that they never try to intervene during a violent situation and instead identify a safe person or place to reach out to in case of an emergency.

Legal Preparation When Leaving an Abusive Relationship

As part of safety planning, you may explore obtaining a protective order that explicitly prohibits any form of contact with your abusive partner, whether in person or through phone, mail, electronic means, etc.

In cases where there are shared children, it is wise to seek advice from a lawyer regarding the legal aspects of custody when leaving an abusive partner. If you have concerns about the safety of your children in the care of the abuser, you might consider filing for emergency custody.

Here are some additional legal preparations you can take:

• Safely maintain a comprehensive journal documenting the instances of abuse you’ve endured, and capture any injuries through photos with timestamps
• Make police reports or speak with an officer about your plans to leave
• If you have concerns about your immigration status, consult with a lawyer to explore protections available for victims of abuse
• Familiarize yourself with the criminal and civil statutes in your state to gain insight into what legal expectations to anticipate in the upcoming weeks and months
• If applicable, learn about the divorce filing process and gain insight into what you are entitled to in the division of assets

Planning a Safe Departure When Leaving an Abusive Relationship

When preparing to leave an abusive relationship, plan your departure to give yourself a head start and familiarize yourself with the exact route, including any stops to collect children. Consider identifying a timeframe when your abuser is typically away, such as during work hours or trips out of town. If relevant, inform your children’s school that you, and only you, will be picking them up on that particular day in case your abuser attempts to interfere by picking them up instead.

If it is not feasible to plan your departure while your abuser is away, designate an assertive friend or family member to escort you. If you are concerned about the potential for violence, consider requesting a police standby, where an officer can safely accompany and assist you in leaving. Never attempt to leave an abuser without having someone nearby, as this is documented to be the most dangerous time when homicides are more likely to occur.¹ Be mindful of your partner’s drug and alcohol consumption, as attempting to leave while they are under the influence can also be especially perilous.

While planning and executing a departure calmly and methodically is ideal, it’s crucial to recognize that abusers can be unpredictable, and violence may erupt unexpectedly. If your safety is at risk, abandon the plans and focus on escaping. Possessions can be replaced or retrieved later, and there are resources available to assist you in rebuilding.

Covering Your Tracks When Leaving an Abusive Relationship

While preparing to leave, it’s important to be aware of any signs your partner may have picked up on. Maintain a sense of normalcy and avoid arousing suspicion by continuing your routine as usual. Refrain from using your personal devices for calls and research, and exercise caution with any materials you gather during preparation. Consider involving a trusted friend or family member to handle important calls and safeguard items for you.

Following your departure, consider logging out of your accounts and updating your usernames and passwords. Review and adjust the privacy settings on your accounts, and thoroughly search for any spyware applications your abuser may have installed on your devices without your knowledge. You might even consider acquiring entirely new devices and a new phone number to sever any lingering connections.

How to Find Help for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

If you’ve been wrestling with the decision to leave an abusive relationship, you might be experiencing a mix of confusion, uncertainty, fear, and inner conflict. Establishing a supportive network of personal and professional connections can offer you the emotional and practical guidance necessary to navigate these challenges, and this support can empower you to regain your freedom and autonomy with confidence.

Asking Trusted Friends & Family for Help Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Sharing the fact that you’re attempting to leave an abusive relationship, or even acknowledging that you’re in one, might evoke discomfort. Seeking help from others can be difficult, particularly if your abuser has used isolation and instilled beliefs that people can’t be trusted or that you won’t be believed. Acknowledge that there are individuals in your life who are willing to assist and are ready to support you through the process of leaving, provided you allow them to do so.

Remember to exercise caution in selecting individuals with whom you reveal your intention to leave, as abusers frequently maintain connections with those you might turn to for assistance. Evaluate who you believe will be reliable in keeping your plans confidential to prevent your abuser from gaining an advantage in your departure plans.

Here are some ways a loved one could help when you are trying to leave an abusive relationship:

• They can provide a safe place to stay
• They can provide transportation to a safe place to stay
• They can safeguard your emergency cash or assist with a small loan to help fund your exit plan
• They can hold on to important items until you have left
• You can use their phone or other devices to make secure calls or research as part of your preparation planning
• They can be your alibi
• They can watch after your children while you tend to tasks in preparation for leaving.
• They can care for your pet, especially if you are heading to a shelter
• They can provide misleading information to divert the abuser’s attention away from where you’ve gone

Finding Professional Assistance for Help Leaving an Abusive Relationship

You may wish to speak with a domestic violence advocate to review your options before leaving. An advocate can help you navigate and get informed on everything you must consider when deciding to walk away.

Here are some hotlines you can call or chat online with:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
• National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
• Love is Respect Hotline at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522

Here are some professional organizations you can contact:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Referred to as simply “The Hotline,” this is considered the national go-to resource for those seeking support and information in dealing with domestic violence. They provide free and confidential services in over 200 languages, ranging from crisis intervention to education, referrals, and beyond.
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: A national organization working to change the underlying conditions that permit domestic violence to occur. They employ a network of advocates who support survivors and hold offenders accountable.
• National Network to End Domestic Violence: A social change organization fighting to transform the social, political, and economic environment in which domestic violence exists.
• Women’s Law: Provides legal information regarding domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. They seek to empower survivors with knowledge of the legal process to preserve their rights and physical safety.

What to Do After Leaving an Abusive Relationship

After leaving an abusive relationship, it’s crucial to continue adhering to your safety plan to minimize the risk of future harm. Review the places you and your partner used to frequent, considering whether it’s safest to switch up your habits and routines. Additionally, explore your state’s address confidentiality program or use only a PO box to receive mail.

Irrespective of the path you take after leaving, it is crucial to prioritize self-care practices. Exiting an abusive relationship is trying, and maintaining your departure is an even more formidable task. Challenges for your heart and mind will arise, and an outlet is essential for maintaining strength.

Short-Term Accommodation After Leaving an Abusive Relationship

For individuals urgently seeking to leave their homes due to family violence, there are diverse options available. Finding refuge with a supportive friend or family member can offer a nurturing space for rebuilding your life and healing from the impact of your experiences.

If family and friends are not an option, domestic violence shelters across the country provide survivors and their children with a secure haven as they work towards reconstructing their lives. You have the choice to access a shelter in your local community or opt for one located away from your abuser. In these shelters, you will receive services to aid you in securing long-term housing, employment, and other essential resources for starting a new chapter in your life.

Legal Rights When Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Survivors of domestic abuse may feel lost without the necessary knowledge regarding their rights, and the legal terminology can be overwhelming. Gain insight into what to anticipate in court by consulting with an advocate, hiring an attorney, or conducting your research. Many lawyers offer free consultations, and you can also inquire with your local legal aid association to determine if you qualify for free or low-cost legal representation.

Protective Orders When Leaving an Abusive Relationship

If you believe your abuser is likely to adhere to a court order and will respect an enforceable contract to avoid legal consequences, a protective order can provide an additional layer of protection as you exit an abusive relationship. On the other hand, if your abuser is unswayed by law enforcement and has expressed an unyielding determination to reach you regardless, a protective order may hold little significance in your relationship.

Protective orders will vary from state to state, but they typically will allow a judge to order that your abuser abide by a set of rules, including one or more of the following:⁷

• An order to stop harming or threatening you
• An order to stay away from you, your home, your workplace, or your school
• An order to cease all contact, whether by telephone, text messages, notes, mail, fax, email, through a third party, or delivery of gifts
• An order to pay temporary child support or continue to make mortgage payments on a shared home
• An order to award you sole use of a shared home or car
• An order to pay for medical costs or property damage caused by the abuser
• An order to relinquish firearms
• An order to seek batterers intervention treatment, appear for drug testing, or start counseling
• An order regarding child support, custody, or visitation

Keep a copy of your protective order with you and store extra copies in secure locations. If your abuser violates the protective order, promptly call the police and file a report. This action could lead to your abuser’s arrest and additional charges for contempt of a court order.⁷

How to Navigate Child Custody & Support When Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Children demand special care and consideration in cases involving domestic abuse, and the court will make decisions affecting them based on what is deemed to be in their best interest. The child’s home state, where the child has lived for the last six months, has the power to make decisions about the child. This is where you need to go to ask for changes to child support, who the child lives with, or visitation rights.

An attorney specializing in child custody matters can provide valuable guidance on the most effective legal strategies while prioritizing your and your child’s safety.⁸

How to Heal From an Abusive Relationship

There are both short and long-term impacts of experiencing domestic abuse. Dealing with distressing emotions, haunting memories, or an enduring sense of danger can be overwhelming. Survivors of domestic violence are three times more likely to develop depression or be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.⁴ The post-abuse journey varies for each survivor, but with proper support, self-care, and time, you can heal.

Healing from an abusive relationship may involve:

Beginning Therapy & Counseling

If you notice symptoms like decreased self-worth and ability to trust, depression, anxiety, sleeping problems, anger, or fear, it may be helpful to reach out for professional support.¹ Seeking therapy and participating in support groups for domestic abuse survivors can assist you in processing your experiences and developing the skills to build new, healthy relationships.

There is a range of different professionals available who offer varied types of psychotherapy for trauma survivors. An online therapist directory can help you search for a specialized provider in your area or see if an online therapy platform is more suitable.

Practicing Intentional Self-Care

Abusers often leave survivors feeling like fragments of their former selves. Reconnecting with your authentic self can be a gradual process, especially if you’ve been conditioned to prioritize your abuser’s demands. Consider engaging in gentle self-care activities, such as taking a walk, listening to music, creating artwork, or revisiting an old hobby. Explore what brings you joy and dedicate specific time to focus solely on those activities.

Building Community

Building a community with supportive individuals, whether survivors or others, can provide opportunities to connect and rebuild trust. This community can restore the sense of belonging that your abuser may have caused you to lose touch with, and it assures you that you are not alone in your experiences. Such a community may offer guidance and structure throughout your healing journey, serving as a protective barrier in case your abuser attempts to isolate and manipulate you to return.