Trauma bonding refers to a strong emotional bond that develops between a survivor of prolonged abuse and the perpetrator of the abuse.1,2 This bond can be responsible for keeping a trauma survivor in a toxic, and sometimes potentially fatal, relationship with their abuser. Counseling with a trauma-informed therapist can help the survivor break the trauma bond.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is a close attachment formed between a perpetrator of abuse and the person they perpetrate against. The dramatic ups and downs of the relationship can result in a powerfully unhealthy bond. In order to survive, trauma survivors develop a keen awareness of everything their perpetrator does, says, and wants.3
As a result of this prolonged intense focus on their perpetrator, the trauma survivor risks eventually disconnecting from their own sense of self, needs, and values.4
In order to control the survivor, an abuser might use any of these tactics:5
- Intimidation: Doing and saying things that instill fear (e.g., throwing or destroying things, hurting pets, showing weapons)
- Emotional abuse: Humiliation, name-calling, mind games, criticizing, gas-lighting (i.e., manipulating words, facts, situations, to make the trauma survivor doubt their own perceptions, memories of events, and possibly even their sanity).
- Isolation: Cutting the survivor off from friends and family.
- Denial, Minimization, and Blaming: Feelings and perceptions of the trauma survivor are dismissed, made light of, or denied by the perpetrator. They are told they deserved the abuse, or that it didn’t happen.
- Decision-Making: Important decisions are made solely by the perpetrator without input from, or consideration of, the trauma survivor.
- Financial Abuse: Money and/or ability to work are controlled by the perpetrator
- Threats and Coercion: The perpetrator makes threats of violence against the trauma survivor, their loved ones or pets – or the perpetrator might threaten suicide – as a means to control and coerce the trauma survivor into doing what the perpetrator wants.
An informal term used to describe a type of trauma bonding that can develop between a victim and perpetrator, often in hostage situations, is referred to as Stockholm syndrome. Similarly, victims who develop Stockholm syndrome develop positive feelings towards the person abusing them or holding them hostage, and may go to great lengths to protect them.
Signs of Trauma Bonding
A trauma bond is often signified by the victim’s keen awareness of everything the perpetrator wants and expects in order to mitigate abuse. Someone in a trauma bond might also show signs of PTSD and suspicion of others who point out the trauma they’re experiencing. Keep in mind that it may be difficult to recognize these signs during the initial stages of trauma bonding.
Common signs and symptoms of trauma bonding include:3,4
- Showing symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
- Experiencing a strong emotional bond with the perpetrator
- Gratitude for small acts of kindness by the perpetrator
- Denying the abuse or rationalizing it (i.e., believing that they deserved the abuse as a result of something they did)
- Hyper-focused on the perpetrator’s wants and needs
- Accepting and agreeing with the perpetrator’s point of view
- Acting in ways that are contrary to their own values to appease the perpetrator
- Perceiving anyone, who encourages them to escape from the abusive relationship, as an enemy
- Difficulty leaving the abusive relationship and fear of retaliation from the perpetrator if they were to do so
Causes of Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding occurs as a result of calculated, repetitive infliction of psychological trauma, which is intended to instill terror and helplessness, to destroy the victim’s sense of self in relation to others, and to foster a pathological attachment to the perpetrator.2
There are two common factors that have been identified in relationships in which trauma bonding occurs:6
Power Imbalance
The person who is being abused perceives themselves to have less power in the relationship than the perpetrator of the abuse. The perpetrator not only uses violence, and the threat of violence, but also employs degradation, humiliation, and deprivation to intimidate and control the person they are victimizing.4 Through actions that emphasize and reinforce the power and control that the perpetrator has over the abuse survivor, a dependency bond develops. The victim becomes aware that their very life is dependent upon the benevolence of the perpetrator.
Intermittent Abuse
Within a context of captivity, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse are interspersed with periods in which the perpetrator does not follow through on a threat of violence, provides a small kindness, or expresses remorse and promises to change. This latter part of the abuse cycle appears to strengthen the emotional attachment that the trauma survivor feels toward the perpetrator. Consequently, the survivor will often experience a sense of relief, and sometimes even gratitude, toward the perpetrator. This inconsistent and unpredictable behavior by the perpetrator is very effective in bonding the abuse survivor to them.
When Does Trauma Bonding Happen?
Trauma bonding can affect anyone, regardless of age, race, and gender identity. Trauma that occurs in the context of human relationship, and at the hands of one person against another can lead to trauma bonding.
Documented cases of trauma bonding have been found in individuals who have survived situations like:1,2
- Child abuse & severely dysfunctional families
- Domestic abuse
- Concentration camps
- Kidnapping
- Imprisonment
- Slave labor camps
- Religious cults
- Brothels
- Sex trafficking
People who get caught in a trauma bond are more likely to have experienced:1,2
- Prolonged abuse in a context of captivity – with an abuser who uses power and control tactics to keep the survivor submissive, isolated, and unable to flee
- Terror – as a result of ongoing violence and/or threats of violence or death against themselves and/or their loved ones and pets
- A loss of identity and sense of independence
- Loss of control over their body and bodily functions – due to the perpetrator’s control over every aspect of their daily life (e.g., if, when, and what they can eat; when and how long they are allowed to sleep).
- Social Isolation – from everyone except the perpetrator – so that the only emotional connection the survivor has available – is with the perpetrator.
- Coercion – by the perpetrator, to witness or engage in the violation of others
Trauma Bond vs. Love
Trauma bonding occurs in a relationship where one person uses their power to abuse, control, and violate the other person – it is not a loving and healthy relationship. However, when this type of bonding occurs, the trauma survivor is likely to express feelings of love toward their abuser, in addition to fear, and maybe even hatred.
A healthy, loving relationship is very different from a trauma bonding relationship. Healthy, loving, relationships do not involve violence and abuse.
Loving relationships are characterized by:5
- Physical and emotional safety
- Mutual respect
- Trust and support
- Honesty
- Accountability – taking responsibility for word and actions
- Shared responsibilities
- Fairness
- Willingness to work through conflicts and meet both people’s needs
A trauma bonding relationship is a relationship that is primarily based on fear and control – although, as a result of small kindnesses or reprieves from abuse by the perpetrator, the trauma survivor can develop feelings of love and gratitude toward their abuser.
How to Break a Trauma Bond
Trauma bonds may create a cycle of highs and lows, but they are universally problematic. Trauma bonds should always be avoided and ended whenever possible to preserve your own health and happiness.
Here are several steps you can take to break off a trauma bond and begin to heal:
1. Know What You’re Dealing With
Trauma bonds may be disguised as healthy, functioning relationships, but they are not. The first and most important step is to identify the relationship as a trauma bond. Be direct, clear, and honest with yourself about the situation.
2. Talk to Loved Ones
Bringing up the idea of trauma bonds with loved ones could be complicated. Perhaps they don’t understand your concerns, or perhaps they warned you about the abuse for weeks, months, or years. Seek feedback, support, and assistance, but if you cannot get this from loved ones, it could be time for professional assistance.
3. Make a Safe Exit Plan
Once you identify the presence of a trauma bond and connect with support, planning your escape is key. Rather than thinking that the person could be changed or rehabilitated, fleeing is likely your best option. Collaborate with caring parties to determine a safe, effective plan.
4. Avoid Blaming Yourself
Often in an abusive and unhealthy relationship, your partner works to convince you that the dysfunction suffered is all your fault. This guilt, shame, and self-doubt keeps them in control and may lead you to stay. Reassure yourself that you are doing the right thing and that no one deserves to be mistreated this way.
5. Cut Off Contact Completely
Finding some way to maintain or establish a balanced relationship following a trauma bond will be extremely unlikely. Though there may have been some positives linked to the relationship, they will never outweigh the negatives. Cut off phone calls, messaging, and social media contact to give yourself the best chances of creating a new, independent life.
6. Get Professional Help
Almost everyone with trauma bonding will benefit from professional mental health services. Professionals can assist in all stages of life with trauma bonding.
Treatment of Trauma Bonding
In order to address trauma bonding, the trauma survivor needs to have access to a therapist who understands the complexity of trauma responses, and can provide a safe, nonjudgmental, and compassionate environment in which the trauma provider can explore their ongoing emotional attachment with their abuser, without shame.
Therapy
Trauma-informed therapies can be helpful for survivors of trauma who want to address their ongoing emotional attachment to the perpetrator of their abuse.
It is recommended that trauma therapy utilize a three-stage approach:7,8,9
- Stage 1: Developing a safety plan, dealing with any current crises, trauma education, mobilizing supports, and building the therapeutic relationship.
- Stage 2: Identifying strategies to manage distress, processing the trauma, exploring the trauma bonding relationship, grieving, and integrating the trauma into the client’s personal history.
- Stage 3: Assisting the trauma survivor in reconnecting with their own needs and identity, making decisions regarding relationships, and reclaiming their bodies, minds, and lives.
While there is a lack of research that focuses specifically on treating “trauma bonding,” there are specific trauma therapies that have been demonstrated as effective among adult survivors of trauma, including:9 10 11
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
- Trauma-Focused CBT (tf-CBT)
- Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)
- Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE)
- Brief Eclectic Psychotherapy (BEP)
- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
- Narrative Exposure Therapy (NET)
The intended treatment outcome is determined by the trauma survivor. The trauma bonding relationship was based on abuses of power and control, so healing cannot be controlled by anyone but the survivor.9 Thus, the trauma survivor determines their goals for therapy, and must always provide informed consent for the directions of therapy.
Some trauma survivors who have experienced traumatic bonding might come to counseling to help them to escape an abusive relationship. If that is their goal, counseling will typically involve safety planning, identifying stabilization and distress management strategies, and mobilizing supports and resources.
Support Groups
Support groups may not be available specifically for trauma bonding, but many support groups are available for people in unhealthy relationships. Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) offers a 12-step format that follows the Alcoholics Anonymous principles.
Those seeking a secular approach to support groups for dysfunctional relationships can consider a variety of online and in person sessions. Not all support groups will be an ideal fit, so people should always feel free to experiment in finding a good match.
How to Get Help for Trauma Bonding
If you or a loved one are in an unsafe living situation, the first places to seek out help might be trusted family or friends who can provide support, or community organizations and professionals that specialize in trauma and keeping trauma survivors safe (like a woman’s shelter). A family doctor or local medical clinic might be able to provide information on how to access these community resources.
If you are in a safe living situation, you can seek out avenues of help though local community agencies that serve survivors of specific types of trauma (e.g., Sexual Assault Centers, Veterans Affairs), hospital programs, your family doctor, or local counseling agencies. It is important that you ask for a professional counselor or psychologist who is trauma-informed.
Examples of Trauma Bonding
Here are three examples of what trauma bonding can look like in different contexts, and how working with a therapist can help survivors move forward.
33 Years With an Abusive Partner
Daisy is 55 years old. She has been married for 33 years to a partner who has been emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive to her. When she tried to talk to her mother about the abuse, years ago, her mother told her that she had “made her bed” and that this was her life. Daisy asked the counselor for help to find out how to be a “better wife.” She said the abuse was her fault, because sometimes she was “lazy” or “stupid” and her partner was right to be upset. She said her partner was a good man, who worked hard. She said that he deserved a better wife.
The counselor began by listening to Daisy’s reasons for coming to counseling, and then gently let Daisy know that no one deserves abuse, and that there is no justification for it – ever. Daisy seemed to be surprised by this, but was listening. The counselor explained what trauma is, how it can affect the mind, body, and relationships.
Over time, within a safe counseling environment, Daisy was able to explore and better understand her relationship with her partner. She began to see herself through a lens of compassion. Eventually, she decided it was time for her to leave the relationship and live on her own for the first time in her life.
Abusive parents
Ahmed is 25 years old. He said he came to counseling because the stress caused by his relationship with his parents is making him physically sick. Although he lives on his own and has a good job, his parents are constantly comparing him to their friend’s sons, and telling him what a disappointment he is.
He spoke about being verbally and physically abused throughout childhood by his father, and also at school by bullies. He said there was no one he could turn to. His mother was too afraid of his father to protect him.
Ahmed said he didn’t want to totally disconnect from his parents, but needs to put boundaries in place. He asked the therapist to help him make changes in his relationship with them. Ahmed and his therapist explored Ahmed’s current relationship with his parents, and what he would like it to be. They discussed possible strategies that Ahmed could use to protect himself, like limiting how often he talks to his parents and how long these contacts last. They also roleplayed how he might assert his boundaries with his parents. After enacting some of these strategies Ahmed reported feeling healthier, both physically and emotionally.
Teen With Abusive Girlfriend
Mya is 17 years old. She said she came to counseling because she wants to break up with her girlfriend, Jill, but is afraid that Jill will try to kill her if she leaves. Mya said she has been living with Jill since she ran away from home when she was 15 years old. Jill is 24 years old and has trouble keeping jobs. To help pay the bills, Jill arranged for Mya to have sex with people for money.
Mya said that since she didn’t have a job, and Jill paid for everything their first year together, she didn’t feel she could say no. Mya is grateful to Jill for “saving her life” when Mya had nowhere else to go. Mya expresses guilt about wanting to leave the relationship and hurting Jill by leaving.
The therapist asked Mya if she would be open to involving a counselor from their local abused women’s shelter to talk about safety planning, financial support, and housing. Mya agrees and an appointment is made. The therapist works with Mya to help her to understand trauma, and traumatic stress reactions including trauma bonding. With support from her therapist and the women’s shelter, Mya eventually feels safe and strong enough to leave the relationship.
Moving Forward: Stopping the Cycle of Trauma Bonding
In order to stop the cycle of trauma bonding, we need to ensure that people have access to education about healthy relationships, trauma therapy, and financial and housing support to leave abusive relationships. Supporting individuals, and particularly marginalized groups, in ways that will allow them to recognize and escape abusive relationships, can reduce the likelihood of trauma bonding, which can perpetuate the cycle of violence.
Those who experienced abuse as children but chose not to perpetuate the cycle usually had these protective factors:12
- Experienced at least one safe and supportive relationship with an adult during their childhood (e.g., parent, grandparent, teacher, coach, neighbour)
- Engaged in therapy to address the abuse
- Developed a supportive and stable relationship even while dating someone with PTSD
Trauma Bonding Infographics
