Trauma bonds occur when a survivor of prolonged abuse experiences an emotional connection with the perpetrator.1,2 This bond can be responsible for keeping them in toxic and potentially fatal situations. Trauma bonds often develop due to cycles of abuse, imbalances of power, and intimation that leave survivors dependent on their abusers.
Would You Like Help Breaking a Trauma Bond?
Therapy can help you overcome trauma and free yourself from unhealthy relationships. BetterHelp provides convenient and affordable online therapy, starting at $65 per week. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you!
What Is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond occurs when someone forms a close relationship with their abuser. Individuals develop a keen awareness of everything their perpetrator does, says, and wants to survive, putting them at risk of eventually disconnecting from their sense of self, needs, and values.3,4
Trauma Bonding Vs. Stockholm Syndrome
Trauma bonding is often seen in abusive relationships where the victim becomes psychologically bonded to their abuser. Conversely, Stockholm syndrome typically develops after situations of prolonged captivity or hostage-taking. The hostage starts to empathize with and even defend their captors, often out of fear and a need for self-preservation.
Trauma Bonding Vs. Codependency
Trauma bonding is a defensive mechanism that helps victims cope with the abuse and maintain some sense of stability or security. Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person excessively relies on another for their emotional well-being. This behavior often includes one person caring for another, neglecting their own needs in favor of meeting the needs of their partner.
Trauma Bonding Vs. Love
Trauma bonding occurs in a relationship where one person uses their power to abuse, control, and violate the other person. Healthy relationships do not involve these dynamics. Instead, loving partners show each other mutual respect, empathy, support, and accountability.5 They share the load of the relationship and work through conflict together.
Stages of Trauma Bonding
The trauma bond cycle refers to the process of abusers achieving control over their victims. During the vulnerability stage, past traumas, low self-esteem, or a desire for love and acceptance make individuals vulnerable to unhealthy attachment with an abuser. The idealization stage involves the abuser cultivating a positive image by showering the victim with love, affection, and attention. As the cycle progresses, the abuser starts to exhibit abusive and controlling behavior. Finally, the intermittent reinforcement of kindness deepens emotional dependence on the abuser, meaning leaving the abusive relationship becomes difficult.
Below are the stages of trauma bonding:
- Love bombing: With love bombing, the abuser overwhelms the victim with excessive affection, attention, and gifts. They create an illusion of love to gain trust and a sense of dependency.
- Trust and dependency: The victim begins to trust the abuser and becomes dependent on them emotionally, believing they are the sole source of love, validation, and security.
- Criticism: The abuser starts to belittle, criticize, and demean the victim. They consistently point out flaws and make the victim doubt themselves, eroding their self-esteem and self-worth.
- Gaslighting: The abuser manipulates reality, making a victim question their sanity and memory. Gaslighting tactics aim to make the victim doubt their own experiences and perceive the abuser as reliable.
- Resignation: The victim reaches a point of resignation where they feel trapped and helpless in the abusive relationship. They may lose hope of things improving and accept the toxic dynamics as the norm.
- Loss of self: Over time, their sense of self becomes eroded as victims prioritize the needs and desires of the abuser over their own. They may lose sight of their own identity, desires, and boundaries.
- Emotional addiction: The victim becomes emotionally addicted to the abuser due to the intermittent reinforcement of love and affection amidst the abuse. They crave and work to attain the positive moments while becoming trapped in the trauma bond.
Signs of Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding in relationships can look different depending on the pre-existing dynamics between the abuser and survivor. However, someone in a trauma bond might show signs of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and suspicion of others who point out the trauma. Additionally, many may begin behaving in ways that contradict their morals to appease their abuser. Others may deny the abuse entirely.
Common signs and symptoms of trauma bonding include:3,4
- Experiencing a strong emotional bond with the perpetrator
- Gratitude for small acts of kindness by the perpetrator
- Denying or rationalizing the abuse
- Hyper-focused on the perpetrator’s wants and needs
- Accepting and agreeing with the perpetrator
- Acting contrary to their values to appease the perpetrator
- Perceiving anyone who encourages them to escape from the abusive relationship as an enemy
- Fear of retaliation from the perpetrator if they leave the relationship
Causes of Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonds can develop for various reasons. The manipulation tactics used by the abuser, such as love bombing, gaslighting, and intermittent affection, reinforce the formation of trauma bonds. Lack of external support, isolation, and a fear of retaliation or abandonment can make breaking free from the cycle of trauma bonding difficult for victims.
Possible causes of trauma bonding in relationships include:
Power Imbalance
Trauma bonds often develop in relationships where one person holds the majority of power. In these cases, the perpetrator uses violence, degradation, humiliation, and deprivation to intimidate and control their victims.4 A dependency bond eventually develops through actions reinforcing and emphasizing this control. The victim becomes aware that their life depends on the benevolence of their abuser.
Cyclical Abuse
Within a context of captivity, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse are interspersed with periods in which a perpetrator does not follow through on threats of violence, provides small kindnesses, or expresses remorse. This latter part of the abuse cycle appears to strengthen the emotional attachment between the trauma survivor and perpetrator. Consequently, the survivor experiences a sense of relief, and sometimes even gratitude, toward their abuser.
Intimidation
Intimidation is a common tactic abusers use to instill fear and control over their victims. This behavior can manifest in various forms, such as throwing or destroying things, hurting pets, or showing weapons to create an illusion of dominance. The abuser seeks to establish a climate of fear and submission, further perpetuating the cycle of abuse within the relationship.
A “Freeze” Response
When faced with intimidation or threats, some victims may exhibit a “freeze” response as a coping mechanism. This involuntary reaction can paralyze the individual, meaning defending themselves can feel impossible. The freeze response often results from overwhelming fear and helplessness experienced in abusive situations, highlighting the detrimental impact of the trauma bonding on the ability to assert boundaries and protect themselves.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse entails controlling and manipulating financial resources to exert power and control. Abusers may limit access to money, withhold financial information, or coerce the victim into financial dependence. Exploiting economic vulnerabilities allows the abuser to perpetuate the cycle of abuse in the relationship.
Threats or Coercion
Making threats or using coercive tactics to manipulate the victim helps the abuser maintain control and power within the relationship. The pervasive presence of these behaviors contributes to the dynamic of intimidation and control, further deepening the trauma bond between the victim and the abuser.
Isolation
Isolation separates victims from their support systems, thereby increasing their dependency on the abuser. By isolating the victim socially and emotionally, the abuser undermines their sense of autonomy and reinforces the trauma-bonded relationship.
Unhealthy Attachment
In an abusive relationship, an unhealthy attachment forms between the victim and the abuser. This attachment is strengthened by the intermittent reinforcement of affection, creating a complex web of conflicting feelings and loyalty. The trauma bond keeps the victim entangled in the abusive relationship despite the harmful dynamics.
Treatment for Trauma & PTSD
Therapy for PTSD – Get help recovering from trauma from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp offers online therapy starting at $65 per week. Free Assessment
Online PTSD Treatment – Talkiatry offers personalized care from psychiatrists who listen and take insurance. Get matched with a specialist in just 15 minutes. Take their assessment.
Risk Factors for Trauma Bonding
Several risk factors can contribute to the development of trauma bonding. A history of previous trauma or abuse can make individuals more susceptible to unhealthy attachments, while low self-esteem and self-worth can create vulnerability and a desire for validation. Those with these characteristics may be more likely to fall victim to trauma bonding, especially when they lack outside support systems.
Instances in which individuals may develop trauma-bonded relationships include:1,2
- Child abuse
- Severely dysfunctional families
- Domestic abuse
- Concentration camps
- Kidnapping
- Imprisonment
- Slave labor camps
- Religious cults
- Brothels
- Sex trafficking
The Dangers of a Trauma-Bonded Relationship
Trauma-bonded relationships can be dangerous. Firstly, these dynamics perpetuate mistreatment, keeping victims trapped in toxic environments. Manipulation tactics create a psychological dependency on the abuser, often leading to long-term psychological and emotional harm, including low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
Below are the possible consequences of a trauma-bonded relationship:
- Low self-esteem: Victims may have a diminished sense of self-worth, constantly doubting themselves and feeling unworthy of love and respect.
- Social isolation: Abusers often isolate their victims from friends and family, leading to a loss of social support and a sense of loneliness and isolation.
- Emotional instability: Victims may experience heightened emotional distress, including anxiety, depression, and mood swings, as a result of the ongoing abuse and manipulation.
- Codependency: Trauma bonding can create an unhealthy dependence on the abuser, resulting in difficulties in establishing healthy boundaries and making independent decisions.
- Trust issues: Victims of trauma-bonded relationships often struggle with trust, both in themselves and others, due to the betrayal and manipulation they have experienced.
- Dissociation: Individuals in trauma-bonded relationships may experience frequent dissociation to disconnect from reality as a means of self-preservation.
- Physical health problems: Prolonged exposure to high levels of stress and trauma can contribute to various physical health issues, such as headaches, digestive problems, and compromised immune function.
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): Trauma bonding includes abusive behaviors that can contribute to the development of PTSD.
- Difficulty in forming healthy relationships: Trauma bonding can affect the ability to establish and maintain healthy relationships, as trust and intimacy can be challenging to navigate for victims.
- Dependency on the abusive partner: The trauma bond makes seeking help or leaving the relationship challenging, as victims may believe they cannot survive without the abuser.
How to Break a Trauma Bond
Breaking a trauma bond can be a challenging process. However, you can gain freedom with support and resources. The process often involves acknowledging and understanding the dynamics of the abusive relationship, seeking professional assistance, and creating a safety plan. Remember, no one deserves abuse.
Below are eight tips for breaking trauma bonds:
1. Know What You’re Dealing With
Trauma bonds can masquerade as healthy, functioning relationships. Therefore, learning and recognizing the early signs of these dysfunctional and harmful dynamics is paramount. Being direct and honest with yourself about the situation means you can take the necessary steps to protect yourself from future harm.
2. Talk to Loved Ones
Discussing trauma bonds with loved ones can be complicated. They may not understand your concerns, or perhaps they warned you about the abuse for weeks, months, or years. Regardless, social support is essential when breaking trauma bonds. Obtaining outside perspectives and working with others to develop safety precautions can be invaluable.
3. Make a Safe Exit Plan
Once you identify the presence of a trauma bond and connect with support, planning your escape is critical. Rather than thinking that the person could change, fleeing is likely your best option. Collaborate with caring parties to determine a safe, effective plan.
4. Avoid Blaming Yourself
In toxic relationships, abusers often work to convince their partners that the dysfunction is all their fault. This guilt, shame, and self-doubt keeps the perpetrator in control. However, no one deserves to feel this way. You are not responsible for the trauma and mistreatment you experienced. Treat yourself with compassion and remind yourself of your worth.
5. Cut Off Contact Completely
Maintaining or establishing a balanced relationship following a trauma bond will be extremely unlikely. The positives will never outweigh the negatives. Cut off phone calls, messaging, and social media contact to give yourself the best chances of creating a new, independent life.
6. Maintain Self-Care
Maintaining physical, emotional, and mental self-care is crucial in breaking a trauma bond. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, and seek support from trusted individuals or a therapist. Recognize that you deserve to prioritize your needs, and self-care is an essential part of healing and recovering from trauma bonding.
7. Reflect on Your Patterns
Reflecting on your patterns is an essential step in overcoming trauma bonding. Take time to observe and understand the patterns of behavior and thoughts that have kept you trapped in an abusive relationship. Doing so can involve exploring your beliefs, fears, and vulnerabilities that the abuser has exploited.
By gaining awareness of these patterns, you can consciously work toward breaking the cycle and developing healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. Consider seeking therapy or support groups to help you gain insights and tools for escaping a trauma bond.
8. Keep a Journal
Journaling about trauma can be helpful when regaining your sense of independence and confidence after leaving an abusive relationship. Writing can provide a safe space for processing emotions, documenting the abuse, and gaining clarity on the reality of your experience. Consider keeping your journal in a secure location to ensure privacy.
Support for Trauma Bonding
Survivors need access to therapists who understand the complexity of trauma responses and can provide a safe, nonjudgmental, and compassionate environment to process these experiences. Therapy can help individuals break unhealthy relationship dynamics and re-establish healthy self-confidence, esteem, and compassion.
Therapy
Trauma-informed therapies can help individuals develop a safety plan, deal with current crises, and identify strategies to manage distress. Therapists can also assist them in processing events, exploring the trauma-bonded relationship, grieving, and integrating the trauma into their history. From there, survivors can reconnect with their needs and reclaim their bodies, minds, and lives.
Support Groups
Support groups specifically for trauma bonding may not be available, but survivors can benefit from those focused on unhealthy relationship dynamics. For example, Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) offers a 12-step format that follows the Alcoholics Anonymous principles. Not all support groups will fit your needs, so feel free to experiment when finding a good match.
Local Resources
Seeking support to heal after a trauma bond can be scary, but resources are available. Consider locating community organizations (i.e., Sexual Assault Centers, Veterans Affairs) if you or a loved one live in unsafe situations. Some family doctors or local medical clinics may provide information on access to these resources.
Would You Like Help Breaking a Trauma Bond?
Therapy can help you overcome trauma and free yourself from unhealthy relationships. BetterHelp provides convenient and affordable online therapy, starting at $65 per week. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you!
When to Seek Professional Help
Seeking professional help when coping with a trauma-bonded relationship is beneficial. Therapy can provide a safe and supportive environment as you navigate the complex emotions of breaking free. Finding the right therapist is especially crucial if you experience severe emotional distress, feel unsafe, or have difficulty functioning in your daily life.
A therapist or counselor can offer guidance, validation, and tools to help you regain control of your life, establish healthy boundaries, and work toward recovery and healing. Remember, reaching out for help is a courageous step in rediscovering a life of safety, empowerment, and well-being.
Below are signs to seek professional support when coping with trauma-bonded relationships:
- Depression
- Social isolation
- Any physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
- Anxiety or panic attacks
- Difficulty functioning in daily life
- Lack of interest in activities
In My Experience
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
Online Therapy
BetterHelp – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you. Free Assessment
PTSD Treatment & Medication Management Covered by Insurance
Talkiatry –offers personalized care from psychiatrists who listen. They offer medication management and they’re in-network with every major insurer. Take a free assessment.
Trauma & Abuse Newsletter
A free newsletter for those impacted by trauma or abuse. Get encouragement, helpful tips, and the latest information. Sign Up
Choosing Therapy Directory
You can search for therapists by specialty, experience, insurance, or price, and location. Find a therapist today.
Best Online Therapy Services
There are a number of factors to consider when trying to determine which online therapy platform is going to be the best fit for you. It’s important to be mindful of what each platform costs, the services they provide you with, their providers’ training and level of expertise, and several other important criteria.
9 Types of Therapy for Trauma
Experiencing trauma can result in distressing and debilitating symptoms, but remind yourself that there is hope for healing. If you or a loved one is suffering from the aftereffects of trauma, consider seeking therapy. Trauma therapy can help you reclaim your life and a positive sense of self.