Talking with your teenager about porn is an important part of ongoing parent/child conversations surrounding healthy sexual attitudes and behaviors. Though parents often shy away from discussing sex with their kids due to their own discomfort, speaking with them about topics such as porn acknowledges sexual exploration that is normal to childhood sexual development.3,1
Why Is Talking About Porn Important?
Speaking to your teen about pornography helps to encourage their emotional, relational, and physical development. When viewed through the lens of healthy overall development into adulthood, talking with your teen about sex and porn is considered early intervention and can actually prevent other sexually related issues such as sexually transmitted diseases and problematic issues related to consent.2
Talking with your teen about porn is also important due to its prevalence and relative ease of access through the internet. While your teen may not be actively searching for porn, many men actually report that their first experience with porn was accidental.10,3 Preparing your teen before they come across porn (intentional or not) can help them better navigate it when they do.
Talking about porn with your teen is important because:
- It removes the secrecy around using it, something that can contribute to relationship problems later in life.4
- It can encourage healthy curiosity about sexual preference and sexual identity.
- It provides fodder for larger conversations about bodily autonomy and consent.
- It offers context and room for exploration of what is considered healthy use of pornographic material versus porn addiction.
- It creates an atmosphere of family conversations that are sex positive in which conversations about sex are encouraged and welcome.
16 Tips for Talking About Porn With Your Teen
Talking about porn with your teen can be daunting, but if you can maintain an attitude of curiosity that is free of blame or shame, the conversation is positioned to be far more productive. By normalizing that sexual curiosity is healthy, a parent can guide their child to safely and legally explore the questions related to human sexuality that porn may evoke.
Here are 16 tips to help you talk to your teen about porn:
1. Treat It as a Discovery Mission
By staying curious and using open-ended questions, you’re communicating that you’re not disagreeing with your teen using porn, you are simply trying to understand this part of them better. Asking questions such as, “How did you find this?” and “Who else do you talk about this with?” are helpful in learning as much as you can about the kind of content that your teen is using.
2. Acknowledge the Awkwardness
Let them know that you’re not sure of the best way to handle this conversation, but you’re willing to try to do your best, and ask them to let you know when you’re getting it wrong. By staying vulnerable, you’ll encourage the same attitude from them.
3. Ask What They’re Curious About
Sometimes teens watch porn simply because they’re curious about different sexual
behaviors or body types, possibly wondering , “Am I normal?” Gently challenge them to explore what it is that they’re attempting to learn about by watching porn.
4. Discuss What Surprises Them
Depending on what they encounter, teenagers may find themselves surprised by their reactions to what they see, whether it’s being turned on by something that feels morally incongruent or by a differing sexuality than they may identify. Ask them what they have found surprising that they’ve seen and answer any questions they may have.
5. Check In on Frequency of Use
Explain that healthy exploration of porn is one thing and that it’s fine as long as it doesn’t interfere with other parts of their life, but that frequent or excessive use of porn could signify addiction. Ask them how often they watch porn by giving examples of everyday, every few days, weekly, etc. Offer them the language to give you an idea of frequency of use.
6. Explain Risk of Addiction
Keep it basic, but explain that the brain responds to porn in a similar way that it does to alcohol and other drugs.5 Because of its relative access and abundance, it can be easy for a teen to interpret pornography as no big deal. Naming these comparisons for teens can help them understand that porn can be a danger, similar to substance use in that it can become an addiction (and can cause mental health concerns when used compulsively).
7. Demystify Body Differences
Explain that many of the bodies that teens may see when watching porn have been surgically altered, bleached, or otherwise adjusted, making for comparisons regarding what is “normal” inaccurate and unrealistic. Studies have shown a consistent rise in women requesting information about surgical procedures of the labia, resulting in the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists taking a firm oppositional stance against these kinds of interventions.6 Some of these requests have been correlated with reported bodily comparisons related to pornography.
8. Emphasize That There’s a Time & Place
This is a great time to emphasize the nature of privacy and “time and place” with your teen, explaining boundaries about exploring pornography (i.e., never in public, school, etc.)
9. Discuss the Danger of Child Pornography
Since you’re already talking with your teen about pornography, it’s a good time to broach the subject of legality, especially as it relates to children, minors, and sexual abuse. Explain that engaging with pornographic material that involves minors is a dangerous boundary to cross, and share with them the potential legal and humanitarian issues related to child pornography. While being curious about consensual sex among adults can be healthy for development, pornography depicting minors is illegal and never okay.7
10. Review Consent
Any conversation with your teen about sexual activity should include a discussion about consent. Teens have varying definitions as to what constitutes sexual consent, so providing every opportunity possible to “try out” scenarios in safe conversation with a parent or guardian is extremely helpful in exploring what consent means.8
11. Engage Your Teen’s Social Emotional Learning (SEL) Coordinator at School
Many schools offer sexual health or human development programs, and teen use of pornography is often part of this curriculum. Request to better understand the messaging that they’re learning in their academic setting so that you can either support or extend it. This person, often a school counselor or social emotional learning coordinator, may also have helpful suggestions for how to address porn use with your teen.
12. Name the Shame
During the conversation, both you and your teenager may experience feelings of shame, embarrassment, or guilt. Name how you’re feeling during the conversation so that they have the freedom to do the same. This simple act of naming the feeling of shame serves to lessen its power.
13. Check Your Judgment at the Door
Though you may feel deeply opposed to the idea of your teen watching porn, it’s your responsibility to share, not to impose, your beliefs in a way that can healthily guide your teen to make their own decisions. By taking a strong moral position against your teen’s behavior you will ensure that they stop talking to you about topics upon which they could benefit from adult attention. Resist the urge to be dogmatic.
14. Discuss Effects on Future Relationships
It’s important to share your concerns with your teen about how porn may affect future relationships. Let your teen know that watching porn can lead to unrealistic expectations and conflict within relationships surrounding sexual behaviors, how bodies appear, and whether or not watching porn is okay with both partners.9
15. Roll With Resistance
It’s likely your teen will not be eager to talk about pornography with you, which is completely developmentally appropriate. But their hesitation should not dictate your commitment to broaching this topic. If they balk, offer “non-choice” choices such as, “Which parent is the parent with whom you would like to talk about this?” or, “I understand you don’t want to talk now, but how does this evening work?”
16. Leave the Door Open
Let your teen know that you want to give them time and space to reflect on this tough conversation, but you’ll return to it at a later time to see if any questions or comments have arisen for them. This leaves the door open for them to approach you as well.
What NOT to Say During the Porn Talk
Anything related to shame, blame, or disgust should be omitted when talking with your teen about pornography. When you start this delicate conversation from a place of how they’ve done something wrong, your teen will immediately be on the defensive which is unproductive to conversation and will only encourage their silence.
When talking about porn with your teen, avoid the following:
- Shaming your teen for being curious about pornography or sex.
- Being moralistic or righteous in your approach.
- Blaming them for what is normal curiosity.
- Questioning them about details in a way that feels like you’re “building a case” rather than wanting to learn.
- Making them feel dirty or abnormal.
When Should I Talk to My Child About Porn?
Due to the prevalence and relative ease of access through the internet, the number of teens watching porn has never been higher, whether consuming pornographic content was intentional or unintentional by the user.1,10 Therefore, it’s important to talk with your child about porn as soon as they begin to access internet searches. According to one study, the majority of both male and female teens had watched or been exposed to porn by the age of 14.11
Who Else Is Talking to Your Kids About Porn?
Because sexuality is a commonly discussed topic among teenagers, it is likely that your teenager is discussing or consuming pornographic material with other teens. Some school health education programs broach the topic of pornography as well.
Who Should Lead the Conversation?
Ideally, talking with your teen about porn is a conversation that should be led by the parent with whom the child is most comfortable. Present the conversation by stating something such as,“I think we need to talk about your use of porn. Who would you like to talk with so that this can be the least awkward for you?” This asserts that the conversation will happen, and yet offers your teen some choice in how the conversation is conducted. Through this gesture, you’re also naming the “elephant in the room,” by acknowledging that it’s likely an awkward conversation, normalizing their fears or concerns about talking about it.
Other Sex & Sexuality Topics To Discuss With Your Teen
When you’re broaching the subject of pornography with your teen, it’s helpful to incorporate other topics regard sex and sexuality as they are likely related to the content you’ll cover in your conversation.
Other topics worth bringing up include:
- Masturbating: If your teen is exploring pornography, they’re likely also exploring their own bodies. Talk with your teen about masturbation by letting them know that what they’re feeling is normal and developmentally appropriate.
- Sexting: Ask them what they know about sexting and explain how, like watching pornography, there are potential issues related to consent and to minors using technology in a way that could have legal ramifications. Without scaring them, gently bring up how the internet can provide a variety of ways to explore sex, some of them safe and some of them unsafe.
- Sex: Sexual development is a normal part of a teenager’s journey. If you haven’t already, ask them what they know, how they know it, and what they’re curious about.
- Consent: Talking with your teenager about pornography gives you a concrete example to reference when discussing consent, how one gives or does not give it, and how to ask for it. Capitalize on this opportunity to understand your teen’s familiarity with giving and receiving consent.
- Sexual Identity: Teens watching porn may be looking for it simply because they’re exploring their sexual identity and want to see examples of sexual behavior between a variety of genders. Offer space for them to ask questions.
- Online Safety: This is an ideal time to bring up the importance of not sharing personal or identifying information online and reiterating the importance of how to use the internet in a way that is safe and less risky.
When Can A Therapist Help
If a teenager is refusing to talk about issues related to sex, sexuality, or watching pornography, it may be helpful to have a therapist facilitate this important family conversation. If there is any concern that a teenager may be suffering from pornography addiction (use is so frequent that it is interfering with daily functioning), a therapist may be helpful in exploring this with your teen. Additionally, some parents may ultimately feel too uncomfortable to initiate these conversations, enlisting the need for professional help. A therapist can offer support to parents, families, or adolescents during this time of life by guiding these delicate yet important conversations. If you want to find a therapist and you’re not sure where to start, it can be helpful to use an online therapist directory to search for a counselor based on specialty and area.
Final Thoughts
While you may feel hesitant to talk with your teenager about pornography, starting conversations early about how one develops a healthy sexual identity is imperative, especially given its accessibility through the internet. Though it may be awkward for both you and your teenager, addressing it in a supportive and direct way will make discussing other sensitive topics less frightening in the future.
