Tips for Talking About Porn With Your Kids
Talking about porn with your kids is an important ongoing parent-child conversation surrounding healthy sexual attitudes and behaviors. Though parents often shy away from discussing sex with their kids due to discomfort, speaking with them about topics such as porn acknowledges normal sexual exploration and development.1, 2
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Will My Kids Really Watch Pornography?
Children will more than likely encounter pornographic content eventually. Numerous studies have documented exposure among minors, often inadvertently through opening spam emails or typing an unintended address in a web browser. Exposure to porn can also occur while performing routine tasks online, such as searching for terms without sexual connotations or clicking seemingly benign ads.
Recent research reveals that nearly two-thirds of 15-16 year-olds have witnessed porn to some extent, and 28% of young teens have accidentally stumbled across adult content online.3,4 These findings underscore the importance of implementing robust safeguards and maintaining open communication about children’s internet browsing habits.
Why Is Talking About Porn Important?
Speaking to your kids and teens about pornography helps encourage their emotional, relational, and physical development. This conversation is considered early intervention and can actually prevent related issues, such as sexually transmitted diseases and problematic issues related to consent.1
Online pornography is prevalent and relatively easy to access. While your kids may not be actively searching for porn, many individuals report that their first experience with porn was accidental.2,5 Preparing your children before they come across porn can help them better navigate it when they do.
Why talking about porn with your kids is important:
- It removes the secrecy around using porn that can contribute to relationship problems later in life.6
- It can encourage healthy curiosity about sexual preference and sexual identity.
- It provides fodder for larger conversations about bodily autonomy and consent.
- It offers context and room for exploration of what is considered healthy use of pornographic material versus porn addiction.
- It creates an atmosphere of family conversations that are sex-positive.
22 Tips for Talking About Porn With Your Kids
Talking about porn with your kids can be daunting. But maintaining an attitude of curiosity free of shame positions the conversation to be far more productive. By normalizing healthy sexual interest, a parent can guide their child to safely and legally explore the questions of human sexuality that porn may evoke.
Here are 22 tips to help you talk to your teen about porn:
1. Start Early
As technology constantly evolves, children encounter adult content at a younger age. Talking to your kids about porn early on may help prevent future issues, and your children may feel more comfortable asking you questions as they mature.
2. Explain What They May Encounter Online
Educate your teen about the types of content they may stumble across online, including pornographic material. Explain that online content doesn’t always reflect accurate real-life relationships and experiences. Remind them they should remain mindful of the websites they visit and provide examples of sites they should avoid.
3. Set Aside a Time to Talk
Choose a suitable time when both you and your teen are relaxed and free from distractions. Talking about porn is important, and creating an atmosphere conducive to open conversation can help ease any tension. Don’t rush the conversation–allow time for questions and discussion.
4. Create a “Safe Zone”
Establish a judgment-free environment where your teen knows they can ask you questions or share experiences without fear of reprisal or embarrassment. Remaining open to wholesome discussion about porn encourages them to speak freely about sex-related topics.
5. Talk About Porn & Sex in Direct Ways
Be candid and transparent when you discuss porn and sex with your kids. Provide age-appropriate information and be prepared to answer questions honestly. Avoid using vague terms or euphemisms that could create confusion or misinterpretation.
6. Normalize the Behavior
Remind your teen that curiosity about sex is normal, and so is coming across explicit content online. If your kids admit to watching pornography, help them understand that finding a balance between their curiosity and respecting real-life relationships and boundaries is important. Explain that in the correct context and quantity, porn may have a time and a place.
7. Remember to Include the Sex Talk, Too
Talking about porn is necessary, but don’t forget other essential topics, such as healthy relationships, consent, and safe sexual practices. Equip your teen with the knowledge they need to navigate relationships and make informed decisions about their sexual health.
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8. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Staying curious and using open-ended questions with your children communicates that you are trying to understand their interest in sexuality. Asking questions such as, “How did you find this?” and “Who else do you talk about this with?” is helpful in learning as much as you can about the kind of content your teen is using.
Sometimes teens watch porn simply because they’re curious about different sexual
behaviors or body types, possibly wondering, “Am I normal?” Gently challenge them to explore what they are attempting to learn from watching porn.
9. Acknowledge the Awkwardness
Let your kids know you will do your best when approaching this conversation. Ask them to let you know when you’re getting it wrong. By staying vulnerable, you’ll encourage the same attitude from them.
10. Discuss What Surprises Them
Depending on what they encounter, teenagers may be surprised by what they see online. They may feel turned on by content that feels morally incongruent or different sexualities. Ask them what they find surprising and answer any questions they may have.
11. Check In on Frequency of Use
Explain that healthy exploration of porn is one thing that is okay as long as it does not interfere with other parts of their life. However, frequent or excessive use of porn could signify addiction. Ask your kids how often they watch porn and provide examples of what constitutes excessive consumption.
12. Explain the Risk of Addiction
Explain that the brain responds to porn similarly to alcohol and other drugs.7 Because of relative access to pornography, teens may interpret online adult content as no big deal. Help your kids understand that porn can be dangerous, possibly causing mental health concerns when used compulsively.
13. Demystify Body Differences
Many bodies teens see when watching porn have been surgically altered, bleached, or otherwise adjusted, making perceptions about “normal” anatomy inaccurate and unrealistic. Articulate this to your kids when you talk to them about porn. Remember to explain that every body is different and online portrayals are not always accurate.
14. Emphasize That There’s a Time & Place
Spend time emphasizing the nature of privacy and “time and place” with your teen, defining boundaries about exploring pornography (i.e., never in public, school, etc.). Reiterate that there is a time and place for sexual content, and your kids should remain mindful of these contexts.
15. Discuss the Danger of Child Pornography
When talking to your kids about porn, broach legality related to children, minors, and sexual abuse. Explain that engaging with pornographic material involving minors is dangerous, sharing the potential legal and humanitarian issues related to such content. While being curious about consensual sex among adults can be healthy for development, pornography depicting minors is never okay.8
16. Review Consent
Any conversation with your teen about sexual activity should include a discussion about consent. Teens have varying definitions of what constitutes sexual consent. Provide opportunities to “try out” scenarios in safe conversation with you to explore consent healthily and productively.9
17. Provide Age-Appropriate Information
Many schools offer sexual health or human development programs, often including pornography in the curriculum. Ask your children what they learn at school so you can either support or extend this information. Alternatively, request further guidance from your kids’ school counselors or social-emotional learning coordinators. They may also have helpful suggestions for addressing porn use with your teen.
18. Remove the Shame Associated With Porn
Remove the shame and stigma often associated with viewing pornography. Doing so doesn’t mean you endorse or promote porn but neutrally acknowledge its presence in digital culture. Your teen may feel more inclined to facilitate honest dialogues with you about their online behavior.
19. Check Your Judgment at the Door
Though you may feel deeply opposed to porn, you have a responsibility to share, not impose, your beliefs. Help guide your teen in making their own healthy decisions. Taking a strong moral position against their behavior may prevent them from coming to you with topics that benefit from adult attention. Resist the urge to be dogmatic.
20. Discuss Effects on Future Relationships
Share your concerns about how porn may affect future relationships. Let your kids know that watching porn can lead to unrealistic expectations and conflict surrounding sexual behaviors, bodily appearance, and the appropriateness of porn in relationships.10
21. Roll With Resistance
Your teen may not be eager to talk about pornography with you, and this is okay. But their hesitation should not dictate your commitment to broaching this topic. Offer “non-choice” options such as, “Which parent would you like to discuss this with?” or, “I understand you don’t want to talk now, but how does this evening work?”
22. Leave the Door Open
Let your teen know they have time and space to reflect on this tough conversation, but they can come to you with any questions or comments. Leaving the door open for further discussion about porn helps your kids feel safe sharing their encounters and experiences.
What NOT to Say When Talking to Your Kids About Porn
Omit anything related to shame, blame, or disgust when talking with your kids about pornography. When you start this delicate conversation from a place of fault, your teen will immediately become defensive, which is unproductive and will only encourage their silence.
When talking about porn with your teen, avoid the following:
- Shaming your teen for being curious about pornography or sex.
- Being moralistic or righteous in your approach.
- Blaming them for what is normal curiosity.
- Questioning them about details in a way that feels like you’re “building a case” rather than wanting to learn.
- Making them feel dirty or abnormal.
When Should I Talk to My Child About Porn?
The number of teens watching porn has never been higher due to the prevalence and relative ease of access through the internet.1,5 Therefore, starting education about porn as soon as possible is beneficial. Your child may already be discussing sexual-related content with peers or at school, so providing accurate information and direction may steer them away from developing unhealthy perceptions of pornography.
Starting a Conversation About Porn With Your Kids
Talking with your kids about porn starts by identifying which parent will lead the conversation. Present the discussion by asking, “Which parent would you like to discuss this topic with?” You assert that the conversation will happen but offer your kids the opportunity to have a say in the discussion.
When Can A Therapist Help
A therapist can help facilitate important family conversations about issues related to pornography, sex, or sexuality. They may also be helpful in exploring potential porn addictions or compulsive behavior. If you are ready to find the right therapist, consider using an online therapist directory to search for a counselor based on specialty and location.
Final Thoughts
While you may feel hesitant to talk with your kids about pornography, starting conversations early about healthy sexual identity is imperative. Though this discussion may be awkward for you and your teenager, directly addressing porn usage will make discussing other sensitive topics less frightening in the future.
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