Is Porn Bad for You: 11 Things to Know from an Expert

What Is Porn?

This can be tricky to answer! Does porn mean depictions of naked people? Does it require partnered activity? Does it have tobe intended to arouse? These are all important questions and too loose of a definition could result in Michelangelo’s ‘David’ being considered pornographic and unclear definitions make it difficult to research consistently.

The word “pornography” means ‘writing about prostitutes’ and is derived from the Greek words “pornos” (prostitutes) and “graphos” (writing). In most research, pornography is considered any sexually arousing material (print, videos, audio, images, etc.) depicting nudity and/or explicit sexual behavior. While not all pornography may be considered sexually arousing to everyone, this is usually the intention of such media.

Is Porn Bad for You?

Porn itself is not bad or wrong or problematic. However, the beliefs people hold about porn, the acceptance of partners, or the degree to which porn is used to manage difficult emotions are all significant in whether porn use becomes problematic. People who perceive their use as an issue are more likely to have negative effects of porn, regardless of frequency of use.¹

While men tend to watch more porn than women, women who engage with porn are more likely to report sexual and relational satisfaction, especially when porn is used together with a partner.² Many people use porn to facilitate masturbation and enhance arousal without concern. Although porn addiction is not a recognized condition, some may still struggle with problematic use.

Risks & Side Effects of Porn

Research has shown that the biggest risks in watching porn are for those who use it to manage or avoid negative emotions or feel that their use is problematic.³ Negative impacts of porn have not been found based on the frequency with which explicit media is used. The degree to which someone is accepting or rejecting of their use, engaging in sexual sensation seeking, and displaying sexual compulsivity are related to negative consequences.¹

Psychological side effects of engaging with porn may include:

Sexual Shame

If watching pornography is not in line with someone’s values, they may experience a sense of sexual shame around their behavior. This may lead to hiding or lying about use, likely eroding trust in a relationship. Things can get really tricky when porn is then used to manage these feelings of shame.

Low Sexual-Esteem

Similar to low self-esteem, low sexual-esteem involves having low confidence in one’s ability to enjoy or engage healthily in sexual activity. This may result in limiting or avoiding sexual activity with a partner. Given that sex is a vital part of many relationships, lacking this physical intimacy can take a toll on a relationship over time.

Unrealistic Expectations

It’s no surprise that most people don’t have the bodies of porn stars. Some people may judge themselves for not looking like people in explicit videos and in extreme cases, this may exacerbate disordered eating or body dysmorphia. Skewed ideas about orgasm can also result from porn which often depicts women easily experiencing intense pleasure with little foreplay.

Decreased Relationship Satisfaction

Some studies have shown that porn use is associated with decreased relationship satisfaction for partnered people. Upon closer inspection, accepting a partner’s porn use is a significant factor in whether relationship satisfaction is affected,⁴ with acceptance preventing negative effects. Interestingly, white men have been found to have a decrease in relationship satisfaction with porn use, but this wasn’t found in white women, men of color, or women of color.⁵

Problematic Use

While most people who engage with explicit material are able to do so casually and without concern, some struggle to stop watching porn. People who watch porn despite having morals or values against it are most likely to experience anxiety and depression related to use.⁶ Difficulty reducing or stopping use is often linked to using porn to manage negative emotions.

Potential Benefits of Porn

Even though we don’t hear as much about the benefits of pornography, they do exist! Improvements in communication have been found in couples who talk openly about using explicit media or who use it together. Some people, especially those who identify as queer, use porn to explore aspects of identity or sexual orientation. Let’s dig a little deeper into some of the good stuff!

Potential benefits of engaging with porn may include:

Improved Communication

When couples share with one another about their porn use, it increases trust and sexual communication. Both of these have a positive impact on overall relationship satisfaction. The more couples can talk openly about sex, the more likely they are to feel close to one another.

Inspiration

Pornography can be a way to find new positions or activities that may interest you. Not that porn is intended to replace sex education, but most people don’t take a class on all things sexy. Increased sexual experimentation can help maintain excitement in long-term relationships and allow for new moves that may incite the next level of pleasure.

Increased Relationship Satisfaction

Most couples say that the use of porn in their relationship has no effect on their overall satisfaction. The most common responses after this are largely positive,⁷ with couples reporting having more sexual information, enhanced intimacy, and greater experimentation.⁸ When women accept their partner’s porn use, relationship satisfaction is improved, and the perception of porn as a problem is reduced.²

Stress Reduction

Using porn can be a way to destress and relax, especially when it results in orgasm. The benefits of orgasm include the release of stress-reducing chemicals.

Improved Sexual Function

Pornography is often used to fuel masturbation, which in turn serves to maintain or increase sexual interest. Some studies have even shown that the frequency of porn use is associated with improved sexual function.³ Regularly engaging with one’s sexual self can increase comfort with sexual responses.

11 Things to Know About Watching Porn

With so much contradictory information out there, it’s understandable that people are confused about whether porn is ok to use. Research has often sought to find problems or only relied on correlational studies, which simply show a relationship and not causation (i.e. porn use may relate to decreased relationship satisfaction, but is the decrease because of using porn, or is someone using porn because they’re not satisfied with their relationship?)

Here are 11 tips about pornography:

1. Be Realistic

While many people describe porn as a source of sexual information, it isn’t intended to be sex education. Starting with a solid understanding of anatomy, sex, and relationships can help to see porn for what it is – entertainment. Recognize that many actors in produced adult films have had body enhancements or augmentation. Consider that an entire crew is standing behind the performers with lights, cameras, and probably a table of donuts.

These can be helpful considerations when talking to your teen about porn. Young people today have more access to explicit images than ever before. Teens need guidance separating fantasy from reality and learning to incorporate emotions and relationships into sexual thinking. Using vetted resources like SIECUS (the Sexual Information and Education Counsel of the US) is a great place to start.

2. Manage Expectations

Similar to maintaining a realistic appraisal of porn, so would people ideally maintain a realistic appraisal of themselves. For most people, having sex for several hours is not only unlikely, it would be uncomfortable. Orgasms may not happen with every sexual encounter, much less simultaneously with a partner every time. Fat jiggles.

Naming these concerns out loud can offer partners the opportunity to be understanding and reassuring. Being reminded of one’s sex appeal and allure goes a long way in squashing those unhelpful comparisons. A good conversation can also be a reminder that porn is fantasy, and the reason fantasy works is because of its separation from reality.

3. Don’t Assume It’s Rare

Several large studies have shown that over a given year, about 69% of men and 40% of women engage in the intentional use of pornography.² These numbers beg the question: what is ‘normal’? Many of these same people are also in relationships, and some even incorporate explicit content into their relationships.

Acceptance of one another’s use and sharing similar values tend to result in the most ideal outcomes regarding pornography for couples. Both require the ability to talk about it!  Knowing whether one partner considers porn to be cheating, if there are types of porn that are off limits, or even being intentional about consuming ethically made porn are all factors that may be considered.

4. Explore Sexuality

Let’s face it, sex education in this country is sorely lacking. Rarely is sex education inclusive of arousal, pleasure, or anything queer. It’s not surprising that queer youth are more likely to report watching porn to explore their sexual interests.⁹
Questioning one’s sexual identity can be challenging on its own, and finding a partner with whom to explore can feel overwhelming.

People who identify as sexually fluid may also tend towards explicit media as a way to engage aspects of identity that may not be captured in their current relationships. Some people who have existed in more conservative spaces may have had little opportunity to explore sexual interests at all! Watching others engage sexually can be a safe way to see if there’s any interest.

5. Talk About It

Just like any other aspect of sexuality, talking with partners about pornography use is vital. Make sure that you and your partner(s) are on the same page about whether porn use is ok and any limits that may exist around it. Most people feel more hurt by their partner hiding porn use rather than engaging with the porn itself.

If porn use is a concern, conversations about why can be very powerful. Some people may worry that their partner isn’t attracted to them or wants them to look different. Knowing whether physical or relational insecurity is happening can allow for intentional reassurance and support when those feelings come up.

6. Take Breaks

Some people have never masturbated without the aid of pornography. While this isn’t necessarily a problem, it may limit the capacity to fantasize or mindfully tune in to one’s body during sexual stimulation. Take breaks from porn use to intentionally focus on sensation or engage in fantasy.

7. Be Mindful

If you find your thoughts returning to porn while with a partner, work to focus your attention on the present moment using as many of your senses as you can. Look at your partner. Focus on the sensation of their skin. Notice their smell and taste. Attune yourself to the sounds being made.

Pornography use does not cause erectile dysfunction, but the inability to be present at the moment or focus more on one’s thoughts or worries can.

8. Prioritize Ethical Porn

Even though there’s no set definition of “ethical porn”, it’s broadly considered to be inclusive of all people and bodies, focused on genuine pleasure, intended for a wide audience, and considerate of the well-being of the performers. Most ethical porn isn’t free, and people may need to do some looking to find true fair-trade porn.

When concerns about mistreatment or misogyny in porn are assuaged, this may free couples up to engage in explicit media use together. Porn use by a couple can enhance arousal, improve sexual communication, and foster more openness in general around sex. Sex is important in most relationships, and a little boost from time to time may help.

9. There’s No Magic Number

Research has shown there is no set frequency or amount of porn watched that constitutes a problem. Some people who demonstrate high-frequency use but report no distress are not likely to demonstrate any negative consequences.³ However, people who use a low to moderate amount but feel that they’re doing something wrong tend to endorse other issues, such as sexual dysfunction or relationship dissatisfaction.

10. Don’t Use Porn to Cope

People who use porn to avoid negative emotions are more likely to report having problems related to use and may be more likely to experience sexual dysfunction.¹⁰ Getting lost in porn will temporarily distract from whatever is happening, but as soon as the screen goes dark, those feelings will return. Dealing with difficult emotions can be challenging, but evolving the skills to move through them will benefit every aspect of life.

11. To Each Their Own

The decision to use pornography is a personal one that is driven by values. Take some time to explore your own thoughts and feelings about porn, and then act accordingly. Consider what objections you might have and think about where these come from. Have your values shifted? Is there another form of erotic media that better suits your values? Are concerns valid or based in fear?

Signs You May Be Watching Too Much Porn

Hopefully, the point has been made that there is no set amount of porn watching that is bad. However, some people may not be ok with their own use or may notice issues that are coming up because of it. Taking a step back to evaluate any behavior is good practice. After all, our values may shift over time, and it’s important that behaviors follow suit.

Here are some signs that porn is negatively affecting you:

• Important obligations are missed due to watching porn
• Pornography is preferred over sex with your partner
• The use of pornography has resulted in legal problems
• Significant amounts of money are spent on porn when other financial obligations are present
• Intense feelings of guilt or shame arise after porn use
• The content of pornography has become increasingly violent or non-consensual
• Little pleasure is derived from watching porn, yet it continues to be used
• Porn use serves as a replacement for engaging with your partner

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy doesn’t have to wait until life is unmanageable. Many people use therapy as a place to talk through an issue to gain clarity and perspective and to decide with intention how to move forward. This may be a great option for couples who have differing values, people who have never considered their sexual values, or those who have started to notice some problematic trends.

An online therapist directory can be a good place to start, and most allow for searching by demographics, populations served, and specialized training. Find a couple of providers who may be an option, and then give them a brief call. Feeling comfortable with someone is one of the most important factors in therapy being beneficial.

Therapy options for porn issues may include:

• Sex Therapy: Usually provided by a specially trained therapist, sex therapy focuses specifically on sex and sexuality including values, culture, history, and current functioning. Finding a sex therapist may be ideal for those facing issues with porn use.
• Individual Therapy: Awareness may start with use of pornography, but the root of the issue may be a lack of coping skills and emotional intelligence. Working with a general therapist can help bolster these skills without the focus needing to be on sex or pornography use.
• Couples Therapy: The recommended treatment when issues around porn use arise from a difference in values or expectations between partners, couples therapy is a good option. It may not be that the porn itself is a problem, but that the couple doesn’t agree.
• Group Therapy: Allowing others to see our struggles and offer validation and support is a potent experience. Be sure that the focus of the group therapy is consistent with your needs and values.
• Online Support Groups: This can be a great way to benefit from support and the convenience of access. Find a group that meets your needs and commit to attending regularly for at least 3-6 months.
• Journaling: Writing out our thoughts and feelings can provide perspective and bring clarity. Journaling can be especially useful when porn is being used to avoid of other issues.

In My Experience

Porn is not the enemy! Much of the issues people have with porn use come back to feelings of shame or avoidance of difficult emotions. Take time to acknowledge how you’re feeling before using porn to see if there’s something not being addressed. Defining your own values around explicit media is imperative. Once defined, they can provide clarity and confidence that abstaining is what’s best for you or that what you’re watching is ok and, in fact, may even enhance sexual and relationship satisfaction. I’ve seen numerous people of all genders and identities come to therapy to address concerns with porn, only to find that the issue was something else entirely. Know that you’re not alone! Living in a culture that flaunts sex openly in ads and television and then shames pornography will inevitably cause confusion, uncertainty, and self-blame. Resolution and happiness beyond abstinence-only are possible!

With so much misinformation available, it’s important to rely on resources that are comprehensive and based on solid research. Even for those who feel their porn use is a problem, recognizing there are likely underlying issues driving it can allow the root cause to be addressed.