What to Say When Someone Has a Miscarriage

Understanding the Emotional Impact of Miscarriage

The emotional impact of a miscarriage looks different with each person. Having a miscarriage is a loss. It is important not to assume how the person is feeling at the time, and best to know that all people process grief and loss differently. Women who go through miscarriages have both a physical and emotional impact on the process.

What to Say to Someone Who Miscarried

Expressing support, warm regard, and empathy can be so meaningful to someone who just experienced a miscarriage. People often feel alone and isolated when they experience a miscarriage. If you are looking to support someone who has miscarried, know that your words can provide support and care to a person or couple who may feel alone and grief-stricken.

Here are some comforting and supportive things you can say when someone has a miscarriage:

• “I’m here for you”
• “Take all the time you need”
• “Your feelings are valid”
• “It’s okay to grieve”
• “I support you”
• “Whatever you feel is fine”
• “You don’t need to say or do anything”
• “I am so sorry.”
• “I know this must be hard”
• “I’m happy to just sit with you”
• “This is so hard”
• “Processing this experience takes time.”
• “If you want company, I am here for you”
• “I can bring you something to eat”
• “It’s ok if you are not OK”

What Not to Say to Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

There are a number of things not to say to someone who has had a miscarriage. People often have good intentions but then can be quick to make comments they think will help the person, but they really end up minimizing the person’s experience. It is so important to understand that grief is a normal feeling after a miscarriage.

Phrases to avoid saying to someone who miscarried include:

• “It wasn’t meant to be.”
• “You can always try again.”
• “Everything happens for a reason”
• “You have lots of time to keep trying”
• “Did you do something that may have caused this?”
• “I know how you feel?”
• “Maybe you weren’t supposed to have children.”
• “Let’s find the silver lining.”
• “There must have been something wrong anyway.”

How to Support Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

People’s reactions to pregnancy loss are all unique.¹ Some women bounce back right away, while others have a process of grief and loss. The best way to support someone who just had a miscarriage is to listen to the person without any assumptions about how they are doing. Know that the person is going through both emotional and physical changes, and perhaps ask what the person needs. It is also vital to assure the person that their feelings are normal and valid. If you feel sad, you can use your own experience to help understand and relate to the person who miscarried.²

Some ways to offer tangible support include:

• Listening to the person
• Validating feelings
• Reassure the person their reactions are normal
• Offering to run errands
• Sending a thoughtful card or flowers
• Simply spending time together
• Dropping off prepared meals
• Encourage self-care
• Be prepared to talk about the baby if the woman chooses to
• Offer to help with housework
• Offer to return maternity clothes or any baby items no longer needed
• Offer to help find any needed resources, such as a miscarriage support group

Respect Their Healing Process

When a woman has a miscarriage, she is likely filled with grief as well as physical and emotional symptoms. A miscarriage leaves a woman physically and emotionally in a position to have a baby, but the baby will never be. The grief of a miscarriage has no timeline or standard process of how the woman will heal from the loss.³ Pregnancy loss can feel isolating, and people often report feeling misunderstood.⁴

How long grief lasts is an individual experience with no right or wrong amount of time. A lack of meaningful support makes the loss harder for the woman, which is why it is vital to give the right kind of non-judgmental support. It is important to know that people express their grief and loss on their own timeline. For example, some people may want to start trying to have children again right away, while others will wait. So, the best way to support is to listen and be available to the person.

When to Recommend Professional Help

There are times when professional help to work through the grief of a miscarriage is necessary. It is a strength to reach out and ask for help to make the healing more manageable. Professional help can be useful for the woman if she starts to feel sad most of the time or has a loss of hope, changes in sleep, appetite, and desire to live.

Professional help can serve as the space to process all feelings about the miscarriage. There are many ways to find a therapist for grief therapy. Finding a therapist can be intimidating, and the online therapist directory can be a helpful resource because you can read profiles about therapists and get a sense of their styles.