Dating anxiety is a natural form of anxiety many people feel when putting themselves out there to strangers. Causes for dating anxiety include negative past experiences, fear of being judged, and other anxiety disorders. You can cope with dating anxiety by working on yourself, developing communication skills, and learning to love yourself as you are.
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What Causes Dating Anxiety?
There are many causes that contribute to dating anxiety. Factors include past trauma, mental health struggles, or expectations gained from childhood. Dating anxiety is experienced consistently across all ages, genders, and sexual orientations.1 The good news is that even though you may feel this anxiety, it is likely that your dating partners do as well.
Causes for dating anxiety include:
Relationship PTSD
Bad relationships have a way of sticking with you. When you are reminded of a previous relationship in either intrusive or consistent ways, it may be a sign of relationship PTSD which can result in symptoms such as excessive self-blame, feeling more insecure than you did before the relationship, or overthinking when contemplating a new relationship.2 All of these symptoms can make dating difficult and cause immense anxiety.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
It is possible that your anxiety around dating is part of more generalized anxiety. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is when anxiety causes significant impairment in functioning.3 If dating is just one area of many in which your anxiety manifests, your anxiety may be part of your larger pattern. If this seems to be the case, consider asking your health provider about your experiences.
Social anxiety
Social anxiety is a possible explanation for your anxiety around dating. When a person has social anxiety, they feel intense fear in social situations, including all interactions around dating. Studies show that social anxiety has been shown to decrease the likelihood of men initiating contact with potential dating partners.4
Social anxiety is not the same as dating anxiety. This is because dating relationships are only one part of social life. Friendships, interactions with acquaintances, or gatherings with groups of people you do not know yet are a part of social anxiety. Dating anxiety is more focused on one specific kind of social relationship.
Fear of Rejection
If you have been rejected a lot in the past or are just a highly sensitive person, a fear of rejection can add to anxiety when dating someone new. Dating requires you to put yourself out there to complete strangers. When you are so vulnerable, the possibility of being rejected can be scary and cause dating anxiety.
Body Image Issues
Dating anxiety can be heightened if you don’t feel good about your appearance. People that struggle with body image issues may worry that their dating partner would not be attracted to them. Dating can be nerve-wracking for everyone, but if you struggle with body image issues, it can increase the general nervousness to an intense level of dating anxiety.
If you have consistent negative thoughts about your body, monitoring your feeling and behavior is important because it can lead to more serious disorders.5
Fear of Disapproval From Parents
Many of us want our loved ones to approve of the person we bring home. A common fear for people dating is the “what if” your parents do not like your partner. One study demonstrated that those that perceived parental rejection tend to experience higher dating anxiety.6 If you have experiences in the past where your parents disapproved of the person you were dating, the chances of having dating anxiety increase further.
Financial Instability
Dating can be expensive! If you feel you do not make enough money to date, this feeling can contribute to dating anxiety. Men in particular, are prone to dating anxiety due to finances. The societal expectation of men to pay for dates can cause immense anxiety. You may also worry that you are not wealthy enough and cannot afford to have a relationship. If you are in substantial debt, the shame of your financial past and fear of having that revealed may also increase this.
Lack of Experience
Dating can be a difficult experience, especially if you have not done a lot of dating before. Dating anxiety can be increased by a fear of the unknown and the natural uncertainty that would bring with it. If you have not experienced much dating in your life to this point, this inexperience may be a significant factor in your dating anxiety.
Options For Anxiety Treatment
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How to Cope With Dating Anxiety
Coping with dating anxiety may differ depending on where you are in the dating process. If you are not currently in a dating relationship, it is a good time to work on yourself and prepare for a future relationship. If you are already dating, coping with dating anxiety may include some work on yourself and changing how you approach your dating relationship.
Here are eleven strategies for how to cope with dating anxiety:
1. Know Yourself
Knowing yourself is a very important step to help with dating anxiety. Work to learn more about the things you enjoy. Emphasize parts of yourself you like. It is okay to want other people to like those parts of you as well. Remember, you are dating to find someone that adds to your life, not find someone that gives you life.
2. Know What You Are Looking For
When we fear rejection, we may attempt to morph into whatever we think the other person is looking for. Giving thought to what you enjoy in others is important to clarify what you are looking for. This will help you focus on whether the other person is a match for you rather than ensuring that they think you are a good match for them.
For some, this can be a difficult task. If you are unsure what you like about other people, try to notice the differences between people you are comfortable around and those you are not. Those differences may be consistent enough to help form healthy conclusions about what you like in other people.
3. Try to Reduce People Pleasing
This may be hard, especially if it conflicts with the values you were taught growing up. It is good to be kind to others, but it is not healthy to neglect yourself by prioritizing the needs of others over your needs. When applied to dating, prioritize your needs and what you want to get out of dating. When you step out of the people-pleasing shoes, you will feel less anxious to please the other person and focus on whether you are having fun. It is especially important to resist staying with someone because you are afraid to reject them.
4. Build Quality Habits
Working on your habits is a healthy way to support your dating anxiety. Good examples to consider for improvement are maintaining hygiene, protecting sleep, and limiting technology use. These habits support healthy coping around dating anxiety and can help you address your anxiety with a clear mind. These habits will not solve everything but can be a foundation to build on.
5. Make Plans For Your Future
If you are putting your life on pause by waiting for the right person to show up for the next phase of your life to begin, you are missing out on important parts of life. Imagine what life you would want to lead if nothing changes about your relationship status in the near future. Do what you can to plan for a healthy future as a single person.
If you plan to live life to the fullest, as you are, you can approach dating without desperation. It is understandable to have these feelings of desperation, but be careful not to let them own you. There is opportunity in the desire for connection and a family in your future. Plan to be in a good position to have that if the right person comes into your life.
6. Look In Good Places
Think about the places you go to find people to date. Do those environments support the kind of life you want for yourself? Put yourself in a position to meet the people you are interested in. Investing in your hobbies and passions is a great way to meet someone in a low-pressure manner.
7. Plan Dates You Find Exciting
If you are in charge of planning a date, choose things you enjoy. This will ensure that even if the date is falling flat, you are doing something that makes you happy, thereby reducing dating anxiety.
8. Ask Clarifying Questions
When you are on a date, it can be terrifying when the conversation falls flat. If this happens, ask a question to expand on previous things your date has said. For example, if your date told you they are from a small town near the mountains, you can ask what their favorite time of the year was growing up.
Practice doing this in your other relationships so that your first attempt is with them rather than with a date. This way, the stakes are lower, and you can build confidence in this skill. If your date struggles to engage with these questions, be patient. They may be anxious as well.
9. Remember Your Value
When you are experiencing dating anxiety, you may feel less valuable than people in relationships. Remember that you have strengths that help you succeed in other areas of your life. It is likely that those strengths would also apply to your relationships. When you experience dating anxiety, remind yourself of these strengths. They challenge your fear that you cannot handle the challenges anxiety presents.
10. Bend, Don’t Break
When you are dating someone, it is natural to adapt to them. This can be with small details like words you use or more substantial changes like attending events you would never go to alone. These can be healthy expressions, but resist remaking yourself to fit a dating partner. You risk adding to dating anxiety by making radical changes that suddenly take you out of your comfort zone.
11. Be Interested In Others
A healthy curiosity about others helps cope with dating anxiety. This interest can lead you to ask questions and keep the conversation going, which can improve your dates. The more you learn about a person, the greater the possibility of growing the date into a meaningful relationship. This curiosity can enrich your life and help distract you from your anxiety.
When to Seek Professional Support
You may want to seek professional help for your dating anxiety if you find that your anxiety is preventing you from obtaining the relationship you desire. Signs that your dating anxiety may require professional help include difficulty sleeping because of worry surrounding dating, intrusive thoughts, or self-loathing about this issue.
Talking with a therapist can help you learn ways to approach dating differently. Cognitive behavioral therapy can be helpful in shifting negative self-talk to more optimistic and constructive ways of thinking. Alternatively, dialectical behavioral therapy can help give you distress tolerance skills for when anxiety hits. An online therapist directory is a good way to find a therapist who specializes in anxiety and is in your area.
In My Experience
In my experience, dating and anxiety go hand-in-hand. When people open themselves to others, it can feel very risky. I have found that it is helpful for my clients to talk about their dating lives because it gives us the opportunity to work through the anxiety surrounding it. If a client comes to me with dating anxiety, I challenge them to remember that they are worthy and anyone would be lucky to date them – and you are too.
Additional Resources
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Is OCD a form of Anxiety?
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Dating Anxiety Infographics
