Dating anxiety is a natural form of anxiety many people feel when putting themselves out there to strangers. Causes for dating anxiety include negative past experiences, fear of being judged, and other anxiety disorders. You can cope with dating anxiety by working on yourself, developing communication skills, and learning to love yourself as you are.
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What Causes Dating Anxiety?
Dating anxiety can result from past experiences, mental health challenges, or pressure to meet expectations. It’s a common experience across all ages, genders, and orientations.1 The good news? Many of your dating partners likely feel the same.
Causes for dating anxiety include:
Relationship PTSD
Bad relationships can leave lasting scars. Relationship PTSD may cause symptoms like excessive self-blame, insecurity, and overthinking, all of which make dating feel overwhelming.2
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
If your dating anxiety is part of a larger pattern of generalized anxiety, it may affect other areas of life too. GAD often leads to difficulty managing worry and stress. If this sounds familiar, consider consulting a health professional.3
Social Anxiety
Social anxiety is a possible explanation for your anxiety around dating. Studies show that men with social anxiety are less likely to initiate contact with potential partners.4 Unlike dating anxiety, social anxiety affects a broader range of situations, including friendships and group interactions.
Fear of Rejection
If you have been rejected a lot in the past or are just a highly sensitive person, a fear of rejection can add to anxiety when dating someone new. Dating requires you to put yourself out there to complete strangers. When you are so vulnerable, the possibility of being rejected can be scary and cause dating anxiety.
Body Image Issues
Worries about your appearance can increase anxiety when dating. If negative thoughts about your body are persistent, they may lead to more serious self-esteem or mental health challenges.5
Fear of Disapproval From Parents
Many of us want our loved ones to approve of the person we bring home. A common fear for people dating is the “what if” your parents do not like your partner. One study demonstrated that those that perceived parental rejection tend to experience higher dating anxiety.6 If you have experiences in the past where your parents disapproved of the person you were dating, the chances of having dating anxiety increase further.
Financial Instability
Dating can be expensive! If you feel you do not make enough money to date, this feeling can contribute to dating anxiety. Men in particular, are prone to dating anxiety due to finances. The societal expectation of men to pay for dates can cause immense anxiety. You may also worry that you are not wealthy enough and cannot afford to have a relationship. If you are in substantial debt, the shame of your financial past and fear of having that revealed may also increase this.
Lack of Experience
Dating can be a difficult experience, especially if you have not done a lot of dating before. Dating anxiety can be increased by a fear of the unknown and the natural uncertainty that would bring with it. If you have not experienced much dating in your life to this point, this inexperience may be a significant factor in your dating anxiety.
Options for Anxiety Treatment
Talk Therapy – Get help from a licensed therapist. Betterhelp offers online therapy starting at $60 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Free Assessment
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How to Cope With Dating Anxiety
Coping with dating anxiety may differ depending on where you are in the dating process. If you are not currently in a dating relationship, it is a good time to work on yourself and prepare for a future relationship. If you are already dating, coping with dating anxiety may include some work on yourself and changing how you approach your dating relationship.
Here are eleven strategies for how to cope with dating anxiety:
1. Know Yourself
Identify what makes you happy and the qualities you appreciate about yourself. Confidence in who you are will help you focus on finding someone who complements your life, not completes it.
2. Know What You Are Looking For
When we fear rejection, we may attempt to morph into whatever we think the other person is looking for. Giving thought to what you enjoy in others is important to clarify what you are looking for. This will help you focus on whether the other person is a match for you rather than ensuring that they think you are a good match for them.
For some, this can be a difficult task. If you are unsure what you like about other people, try to notice the differences between people you are comfortable around and those you are not. Those differences may be consistent enough to help form healthy conclusions about what you like in other people.
3. Try to Reduce People Pleasing
This may be hard, especially if it conflicts with the values you were taught growing up. It is good to be kind to others, but it is not healthy to neglect yourself by prioritizing the needs of others over your needs. When applied to dating, prioritize your needs and what you want to get out of dating. When you step out of the people-pleasing shoes, you will feel less anxious to please the other person and focus on whether you are having fun. It is especially important to resist staying with someone because you are afraid to reject them.
4. Build Quality Habits
Support your mental health by maintaining good sleep, hygiene, and mindful technology use. Healthy habits provide a stable foundation to manage anxiety.
5. Live for Today
Don’t put life on hold waiting for the “right” partner. Plan your future as a single person and enjoy the present while staying open to love. If you plan to live life to the fullest, as you are, you can approach dating without desperation. There is opportunity in the desire for connection and a family in your future. Plan to be in a good position to have that if the right person comes into your life.
6. Look In Good Places
Think about the places you go to find people to date. Do those environments support the kind of life you want for yourself? Put yourself in a position to meet the people you are interested in. Investing in your hobbies and passions is a great way to meet someone in a low-pressure manner.
7. Plan Dates You Find Exciting
If you are in charge of planning a date, choose things you enjoy. This will ensure that even if the date is falling flat, you are doing something that makes you happy, thereby reducing dating anxiety.
8. Ask Clarifying Questions
When you are on a date, it can be terrifying when the conversation falls flat. If this happens, ask a question to expand on previous things your date has said. For example, if your date told you they are from a small town near the mountains, you can ask what their favorite time of the year was growing up.
Practice doing this in your other relationships so that your first attempt is with them rather than with a date. This way, the stakes are lower, and you can build confidence in this skill. If your date struggles to engage with these questions, be patient. They may be anxious as well.
9. Remember Your Value
When you are experiencing dating anxiety, you may feel less valuable than people in relationships. Remember that you have strengths that help you succeed in other areas of your life. It is likely that those strengths would also apply to your relationships. When you experience dating anxiety, remind yourself of these strengths. They challenge your fear that you cannot handle the challenges anxiety presents.
10. Bend, Don’t Break
When you are dating someone, it is natural to adapt to them. This can be with small details like words you use or more substantial changes like attending events you would never go to alone. These can be healthy expressions, but resist remaking yourself to fit a dating partner. You risk adding to dating anxiety by making radical changes that suddenly take you out of your comfort zone.
11. Be Interested In Others
Showing genuine curiosity about others can ease dating anxiety and help conversations flow naturally. Ask thoughtful questions to learn more about your date’s experiences, interests, and values. As you engage, you’ll not only create a stronger connection but also shift the focus away from your anxiety. This curiosity can lead to meaningful relationships and enrich your overall dating experience.
When to Seek Professional Support
You may want to seek professional help for your dating anxiety if you find that your anxiety is preventing you from obtaining the relationship you desire.
Consider seeking help if:
- Dating anxiety affects your sleep or daily life
- You experience intrusive thoughts or constant worry
- Self-doubt or negative self-talk becomes overwhelming
A therapist can help you shift negative thought patterns and develop tools to manage anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) are effective options. An online therapist directory can help you find a provider specializing in anxiety, or you can use one of the many online therapy platforms to meet with a therapist virtually.
In My Experience
“In my experience, dating and anxiety go hand-in-hand. When people open themselves to others, it can feel very risky. I have found that it is helpful for my clients to talk about their dating lives because it gives us the opportunity to work through the anxiety surrounding it. If a client comes to me with dating anxiety, I challenge them to remember that they are worthy and anyone would be lucky to date them – and you are too.”
Dating Anxiety Infographics
Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
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Chorney, D. B., & Morris, T. L. (2008). The changing face of dating anxiety: Issues in assessment with special populations. Clinical psychology: science and practice, 15(3), 224.
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Orzeck, T., Rokach, A., & Chin, J. (2010). The effects of traumatic and abusive relationships. Journal of Loss & Trauma, 15(3), 167–192.
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American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: Author.
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Lenton-Brym, A. P., Santiago, V. A., Fredborg, B. K., & Antony, M. M. (2021). Associations between social anxiety, depression, and use of mobile dating applications. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 24(2), 86-93.
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Portingale, J., Fuller-Tyszkiewicz, M., Liu, S., Eddy, S., Liu, X., Giles, S., & Krug, I. (2022). Love me Tinder: The effects of women’s lifetime dating app use on daily body dissatisfaction, disordered eating urges, and negative mood. Body Image, 40, 310-321
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Epli, H., Batik, M. V., Çabuker, N. D., & Çelik, S. B. (2021). The Relationship between Perceived Parental Rejection and Dating Anxiety: The Mediating Role of Interpersonal Cognitive Distortions. International Journal of Progressive Education, 17(3), 70-85.
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Primary Changes: Edited for readability and clarity. Added anxiety worksheets.
Author: Kevin Mimms, LMFT
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