Negative self-talk can make daily life unmanageable, hurting our self-esteem, relationships, motivation, and life-satisfaction.3 People often feel less than, useless, or fearful about life when their self-talk reaches this point. Fortunately, There are ways to feel better, including learning new ways to talk to yourself, practicing awareness around negative self-talk, and talking to a therapist.
What Is Negative Self Talk?
All of us have an ongoing internal dialogue that helps us process and navigate day to day life. When this dialogue becomes critical and unsupportive of ourselves and our peers, it is negative self-talk.1 When someone looks in the mirror and criticizes their appearance, it is rarely with a goal of making themselves feel bad. Rather, goals of improving appearance and most likely gaining approval from others become misconstrued as negative self-talk.
This pattern can also happen in other areas, whether it be in academics, career, friendships, or relationships. When negative self-talk becomes unmanageable, it can often be addressed with a few simple positive self-talk techniques, however, sometimes seeking additional support from a mental health professional is necessary and helpful.
The Toxic Consequences of Negative Self Talk
Negative self-talk creates a lens from which to view the world. We spend a lot of time listening to this voice, and as a result it can make dark days even drearier and manageable disappointments feel hopeless. When negative self-talk passes the threshold of motivating and becomes damaging, it can shatter self-esteem, motivation, and confidence. It can also lead to depression and anxiety.
Life is already challenging enough. Adding negativity from an inner voice to life’s other obstacles can be downright debilitating. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself, not only regarding your physical health, but also your mental health. You have the potential to be your most consistent and available support person when getting through life, and if the negative self-talk prevails, you can also be your own bully. It is difficult to live with integrity when your inner dialogue is unsupportive.
Types of Negative Self Talk & How to Recognize Them
Negative self-talk can take various forms depending on the situation you find yourself in.4 For example, if you are getting through your workday, you might use different self-talk than if you were trying on an outfit in the fitting room. Self-talk is always attempting to help us, and sometimes the words we use are not helpful.
Since we are communicating with ourselves almost all the time, it is important to monitor how we sound to ourselves.4 When we stop to listen to the way we talk to ourselves, we can catch those moments where we are communicating with ourselves negatively, and we can modify our language to be more supportive to ourselves.
Critical Self-Talk
This self-talk is judgmental of both yourself and other people. It compares everyone to a standard that is unobtainable. You might experience this self-talk when you look in the mirror, study for a test or interview the next day, for example.
Oddly enough, we justify talking to ourselves this way from an attempt to motivate us. The goal of talking to ourselves in a critical manner is to make us want to improve. If you notice yourself saying you or anyone else is not good enough, you can recognize critical self-talk.
Hopeless or Depressed Self-Talk
This self-talk is defeated, lethargic, and often sad. It might persuade you to reserve your energy, put in less effort, give up early to avoid rejection or disappointment. It is avoidant not from a place of fear, but rather from a place of doubt.
This self-talk attempts to help by avoiding scenarios that will cost you too much energy. However, we end up sabotaging ourselves from gaining confidence that comes from bravery and accomplishment. You will recognize this self-talk when you find proactivity takes too much energy.
Anxious Self-Talk
This self-talk sounds like fear. Checking through the “what-ifs” of any situation, searching for any possibility of danger, whether literal or figurative. This self-talk comes from insecurity to the point of obsession, and it is future oriented, afraid of the consequences of mistakes, missteps, and failure. It is attempting to help with preparation. If you consider the potential outcomes of situations, you can theoretically make the “right” choice, according to this method of self-talk.
These forms of self-talk are not exclusive, and you might experience some of each, or all at the same time. They continue to try to justify themselves, and it is possible that when we developed these types of thought patterns, they were effective at some point. Remember that although these messages are no longer helpful, the goal of all self-talk is ultimately positive.
8 Ways to Banish Negative Self Talk
Fortunately, when you start paying attention to the type of self-talk you are using, you can take the steps to overcome the effects. With awareness of the self-talking pattern, you can modify your thinking, improve your mental health, and reduce negative feelings.3 There are multiple ways to interrupt this negative thinking cycle.
Here are eight tips for stopping negative self-talk:
1. Talk With a Mental Health Professional
Therapy can help anyone and everyone. If you are suffering from negative-self talk, a mental health professional can help you explore effective and customized ways to improve your relationship with yourself. Therapists can help to hold you accountable to positive changes, and help you work through any difficulties you face along the way.
If you are interested in deeper work, a Mental Health practitioner can also help you examine the origins of these negative self-talk patterns, if that is within their theoretical approach.
2. Be a Friend to Yourself
When you notice harsh self-talk occurring, take a moment to think about how you would talk to a friend going through the same situation. The likelihood is that if a friend told you how hard they were being on themselves, you would not agree with their judgments. It is rare that we talk to anyone else as critically or as unsupportive as we talk to ourselves. Considering how you would talk to a friend will help you identify more encouraging self-talk.
3. Take a Deep Breath
When you notice that cycle of negativity occurring, you can take a deep breath. The breath can be a reset button for negative thoughts and patterns, helping you to clear your mind and decide what thoughts you would like to apply. The deep breath also helps to encourage awareness. If you take that chance to breathe, you might notice that self-talk has become negative, and then consciously make a change.
4. Do SOMETHING
When we tell ourselves not to do something, we do not provide an alternative. Human beings literally cannot do nothing, we have to do something. When you tell yourself to stop thinking about something, that is all you will be thinking about. Instead, do something else. Put your mind to work with another activity. It might be something productive like cleaning, something relaxing like a bath, or something active like exercise. Simply make a choice.
5. Call a Friend
If you cannot be a friend to yourself, try contacting someone you know can be supportive. Sometimes finding the right words to say to yourself is too difficult when the negative self-talk is severe. A friend can be a neutral or positive voice to help you learn what that encouragement sounds like. Outside perspectives can also help us to see aspects of scenarios that we cannot consider when our negative self-talk is too loud.
6. Tell Yourself a Good Story
If you are going to tell yourself a story, you might as well make it a good one. Based on your current situation, look for evidence to support the best possible outcome or circumstances. This technique might seem overly optimistic, and you might assume that negativity prepares against disappointment.
However, studies show that fixating on negative possibilities does more to damage your mood and wellbeing than it does to help you be productive.2,4 Be positive, because why not?
7. Consider the Past
Have you been in a situation like this one before? If so, what was the outcome? If you are acting based on your previous experience, what are the differences between then and now? It is possible that allowing the prospect for a different experience could help you overcome the negativity that still lingers from the past. Using new experiences and interactions to overcome the past is a productive way to both modify negative thinking and heal old emotional wounds.
8. Re-Educate Yourself
Consider who taught you to think this way. It is not uncommon for people to learn negative ways of thinking from caretakers or other people who were ultimately trying to help. Caretakers’ pessimism does not provide us with the encouragement and confidence that we needed as children, unfortunately.2
If you are interested in deeper work as you overcome negative self-talk, think about what healthy message would have been beneficial and supportive for you to have heard from a caretaker when you were growing up. Tell yourself that message and be that supportive person when you need it now.
When to See a Professional About Negative Self Talk
Sometimes it is in a person’s best interest to get help with their self-talk. When a person is feeling unsafe with their thoughts, if their thoughts are persistent and invasive, or if they are having difficulty accomplishing basic self-care tasks (getting out of bed, eating, bathing, etc) it is necessary to call for help.
A therapist can help ensure someone’s safety, knowing when more active measures of care are necessary. Therapists are trained individuals, who know when self-talk is potentially dangerous to a person. If you decide to find a therapist to work with before your self-talk reaches this severe level, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
How to Find a Therapist
The most effective way to find a therapist currently is through an online therapist directory. Time spent working with a therapist can vary, depending on the depth of self-study and learning you wish to accomplish. Short-term work is available for addressing your immediate concerns. Some take this to a deeper level, and find exploring the origins of their concerns and patterns to be particularly helpful.
A therapist will be able to help you examine all of these aspects. The cost of therapy may vary, and some accept certain types of insurance. It is important to ask which insurance, if any, a therapist accepts. Out-of-pocket costs for therapists may range from approximately $75-$185 per hour and vary by location. However, many therapists will offer sliding scale fees (lower rates) if they do not accept your health insurance.
Negative Self-Talk Infographics
