Enabling an Alcoholic: Signs & How to Stop

What Does Enabling an Alcoholic Mean?

Enabling an individual involves enabling their behavior, allowing for them to continue engaging in harmful behavior. Professionals in the field state that by not allowing individuals to face the consequences of their actions, we continue to enable their chemical use.¹ Enabling an alcoholic can be detrimental to their recovery process and allows the individual to conceal the impact of their addiction.

Enabling Vs Helping an Alcoholic

Finding a balance between helping a loved one who is struggling with addiction versus enabling them is a difficult space to live in. Often, enabling loved ones can mimic support, which is why many fall prey to enabling. What many don’t realize, is that helping a loved one in addiction involves setting boundaries, and helping them recover by holding them accountable.

Although it can be tempting to just give in to the demands, look the other way, or financially support your loved one, this is only hurting them. Ask yourself this question: Is what I am doing (or going to do) actually helping this person recover, or am I simply making myself less uncomfortable?

Why Do People Enable Alcoholics?

There are a few reasons why people enable friends or family who are in the throes of addiction. A common reason for enabling behavior is that it is easier for the person doing the enabling. It is often easier because conflict can likely be avoided by ignoring or potentially aiding in the addictive behavior. Additionally, if there is codependency in the relationship, this can create a lack of boundaries and often, allow enabling to occur.

Examples of Enabling an Alcoholic

Various enabling behaviors are commonly seen in the interpersonal relationships of those struggling with addiction. These behaviors include providing something to the individual, denial of the situation, avoidance, not holding them accountable, or rescuing them from the consequences of addiction.

Examples of enabling an alcoholic include:

• Making excuses for their behavior
• Giving the individual money
• Paying legal fees
• Posting bail
• Supporting them financially (paying rent, groceries, etc.)
• Drinking or using with the individual
• Having substances available in the home
• Lack of boundaries
• Allowing them to live with you while in active addiction
• Driving to the store to purchase drinks for them

What Not to Do to Stop Enabling an Alcoholic

Learning how to stop enabling your loved one will take some time as you educate yourself on enabling behaviors and practice setting boundaries. It is hard, and there will likely be intense conflict. However, this is the addiction to becoming angry, which means you are headed in the right direction.

Ways to top enabling an alcoholic include:

Do Not Give Them a Safety Net

If you find yourself always providing your loved one with a soft place to land while in active addiction, you are enabling your loved one. Your loved one needs to recognize the consequences of their addiction, and the only way this will happen is if they fall. If there are no consequences to behaviors, then we continue to do things that hurt us.

Do Not Do Things That They Can Do Themselves

Your loved one is self-sufficient. They have the capability of doing things for themselves, even if you believe they can’t. If the individual in addiction believes someone will always do something for them, they will stop doing it for themselves.

Do Not Make Excuses For Them

Making excuses for your loved one will only minimize the severity of their addiction. This is incredibly harmful in the recovery process as it can keep both parties in a state of denial. Making excuses is another enabling behavior that makes us feel less uncomfortable but, ultimately, harms our loved ones.

Do Not Take on All the Responsibilities

You are not responsible for taking on their life responsibilities. You may feel obligated due to various reasons, however, this is not sustainable. Taking on their responsibilities will allow them to avoid accountability in all areas of life.

Do Not Loan or Give Money

Giving the individual money or even a loan is one of the most common ways to enable someone in addiction. When someone is in the throes of addiction, their finances will suffer and often be non-existent. Whether it is paying their rent, legal fees, or just giving them money to spend how they choose, it is still enabling their addiction.

A part of the disease is deception, and those in active addiction will lie, steal, or manipulate to afford their substance of choice. If you are paying for anything, you are paying for the addiction.

Do Not Save Them From Legal Trouble

Saving your loved one from legal issues while they are in addiction will remove the natural consequence. Major realizations for those who are in early recovery come from legal trouble, including court dates, jail time, paying fines/tickets, revocation of license, posting bail money, lawyer costs, court-ordered treatment, and so forth.

Do Not Scold, Argue, or Plead

Arguing, bargaining, scolding, or pleading with the other party can provide negative attention to the issue. Attempt to approach them from a neutral stance, leaving as much emotion out of it as possible. It may not sound like it, but bargaining or pleading can be considered enabling.

Do Not Try to Drink With Them

Drinking or using with the individual will send a message of approval. You are encouraging the behavior by engaging in it with them, which is classic enabling. If your loved one is struggling with addiction, this will only hinder their recovery from substances.Do Not Be Afraid to Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Establishing boundaries and sticking to them can be quite difficult, especially if you’ve never set boundaries previously. Setting boundaries will set clear expectations, rules, and norms that will help you protect yourself and will prevent enabling from occurring.

What Happens When You Stop Enabling an Alcoholic?

Once you stop enabling, you allow the individual to take responsibility and accountability for their actions. You and your loved one might experience confusion, frustration, powerlessness, hopelessness, or a variety of other emotions that might make you want to run back to what’s comfortable… enabling. Once you stop enabling, you are giving your loved one a chance at recovery.

How to Help Someone with Alcoholism

The best way you can support a loved one if they are struggling with addiction to any substance is to support recovery efforts, and set boundaries.

Ways to help someone with alcoholism include:

• Educate yourself: Learning about alcohol use disorder can help increase understanding and empathy. Increasing your understanding of addiction as a disease will help you intervene appropriately.
• Encourage treatment: Recognizing that your loved one needs professional help will be safer for all parties. You are not equipped to handle this alone. Supporting treatment (detox, rehabs, outpatient therapy) for addiction will allow your loved one the opportunity to work with professionals you specialize in treating substance dependency and mental health.
• Set Boundaries: Setting and maintaining clear expectations will prevent enabling.
• Attend AA meetings with them: There are open meetings that loved ones are welcome to attend. This is one way to show your loved one support in their recovery.
• Stay involved in their recovery: If they are in treatment, write to them or stay in touch over the phone. Being in treatment will be one of the most difficult things they have done to date. Show your support by being there for them and connecting with their treatment team to coordinate aftercare.
• Pay for Sober Living: If your loved one has completed a program and is willing to work for their recovery, helping to cover some or all of the cost of sober living can be supportive. Sober living will allow the individual to live with others in recovery, have accountability, and remove them from previous environmental triggers.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you are noticing a change in your loved one’s behavior or can see a negative impact on various areas of life such as school, work, family, friends, or hobbies, it is time to seek professional support for their alcohol use. An online therapist directory or online therapy platform is a great place to start for finding a therapist who specializes in alcohol use. If you feel that mental health is contributing to substance use, it would be helpful to consider working with a psychiatrist. There are online psychiatrist options that can assist in finding alcohol use medication management.