Parallel parenting is a model of parenting that may be appropriate for separated or divorced couples who are unable to work together to parent their children. With this technique, both parents are involved in their children’s lives, but not in the other parent’s life. While communication between parents continues, it is more direct, less emotional, and focused on the child, not one another.
What Is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting involves clear boundaries between separated parents who have joint custody of their child, involving very little interaction between parents but a clear plan for what is best for the child. By developing clear guidelines for the logistics of the arrangement, which is structured through a parallel parenting plan, parents are able to spend time with their child without the risk of interference by the other parent. Not only is communication limited, but it also often takes place via email or through mediators in order to allow each parent distance from the other, especially cases of domestic violence and high conflict break-ups.
This allows for both parents to feel a stronger sense of independence and freedom in the parenting of their child. It is especially helpful when parents are engaged in an acrimonious separation or divorce, and the wellbeing of their child is at stake.
Parenting is a difficult job that can be made harder when separated or divorced parents feel unable to parent their child without persistent negative feedback, interference, or interruption from the other parent. By allowing each person to set their own house rules and determine their own parenting styles, the child benefits from a much less stressful environment.
What Are the Benefits of Parallel Parenting?
When joint custody of a child is awarded, it is essential that the child feel safe and secure with both parents. Having a detailed parallel parenting plan in place allows each parent the freedom to create an environment in which the parent and child can experience this, sans intrusions by the other parent. The relationship with the child becomes the focus for each parent and this can result in a much more satisfying experience for everyone. Not only can parallel parenting make life easier for adults, it also can make life much easier for children.
Some of the key benefits of a parallel parenting arrangement for children include:
- Less direct exposure to parental conflict
- Consistent routines with each parent
- Increased sense of security with both parents
- Fewer emotional and/or behavioral problems
- Better grades and more consistent academic performance
- More focus from the parents on the child’s wellbeing
Are There Downsides to Parallel Parenting?
While parallel parenting allows each parent significant independence from each other, it might create an unintended feeling of disconnection for the child. This is especially true if parents communicate negative messages about the other to their child. Also, if the child custody arrangement doesn’t include fairly equivalent amounts of time with each parent, parallel parenting can be more difficult to manage.
In cases of suspected child abuse, parallel parenting agreements may put children at risk. Supervised visitation may be the only safe option in which abuse has occurred.
When to Consider Parallel Parenting
Parallel parenting keeps the focus on the wellbeing of the child, and this should always be the primary concern of a parent. There are a number of situations in which parallel parenting may be beneficial within a family.
A parallel parenting arrangement may be beneficial for a family if:
- Parents are carrying grudges or hostility for one another regarding the separation
- Parents are unable to hold civil conversations with one another
- One parent is unable to allow their child to spend time with their ex without calling or texting for updates frequently
- There is an absence of mutual respect, effective communication, and willingness to work together as parents
As noted earlier, when child abuse is suspected, parallel parenting is no longer appropriate. In cases of suspected abuse by the other parent, it is essential that appropriate steps are taken with the proper agency and to inform the relevant legal representatives.
Parallel Parenting vs. Co-Parenting
There are important differences between parallel parenting and co-parenting. Co-parenting couples work together to develop a shared parenting plan for children. Agreement on behavior expectations, rules, discipline, and daily routines are encouraged, and parents work to ensure consistency across both homes for the child. Parents communicate with one another about their children, negotiate, and share decision-making in matters related to their children. Couples display mutual respect and work as a team to ensure stability and support for their children.1
In parallel parenting, there is an absence of collaboration and strict boundaries regarding communication between parents. Parents do not consult with one another about decision-making and don’t “check-in” with the other parent when they have the child. Parallel parenting involves detailed parenting plans that clearly outline pick-up times, locations, and schedules. Parents refrain from direct communication with one another and do not intervene or comment on the other parent’s parenting behaviors.
How to Create a Parallel Parenting Plan
Creating a parallel parenting plan can seem like a tedious process. But, by investing time and energy into establishing clear rules from the outset, parenting your child–not arguing about terms with your ex–becomes the full focus going forward. To that end, parallel parenting plans should be put in writing and on file with both parents’ legal representatives. By putting it in writing, there is no room to equivocate on what you “thought” the other parent meant.
Some parents find that a communication book can be helpful. This is a notebook or journal in which parents jot down information about the child’s day, health, or behaviors. The communication book travels with the child between parents and helps both parents stay “in the loop” on what is happening in the life of their child when not in their custody. Furthermore, it serves as a “neutral zone” where only information related to the child is entered; it is not to be used as a means of communicating negative feelings or thoughts towards the other parent.
When creating the agreement, the dates, times, and locations for transferring custody of the child should be clearly noted. Expectations about consistency in children’s routines–from bedtimes to school attendance to extracurricular activities and everything in between–should be included in the plan.
A healthy parallel parenting plan should include:
- Formal custodial schedule for the child
- Holiday/vacation schedules
- Details regarding transportation/pick-up/drop-off sites
- Decision-making process regarding the child’s schooling and extra-curricular activities such as clubs or athletics
- Medical care contingencies and decision-making process
- Communication expectations regarding events such as accidents or delays
- Consequences for not abiding by the plan
10 Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting
While transitioning to parallel parenting can have its difficulties, once the plan has been made everyone can feel the benefits of the arrangement.
Here are 10 tips to help you parallel parent successfully:
1. Treat it Like a Business Agreement
Treat the parallel parenting agreement as the most important business agreement you’ve ever negotiated and signed–because it is. This agreement should provide answers to virtually all questions regarding the care of your child–who has custody when; what the exchange point for is transferring custody; what happens when your child is sick or needs emergency care; is bedtime flexible between homes or strictly mandated; and so on. File your agreement with your legal representative, of course, but also make sure you share a copy with a trusted support network member. This document protects not just your decisions, but also your child’s welfare. Once it’s written and signed, hold yourself as accountable to it, as you do for your child’s other parent.
2. Delineate any Consequences for Breach of Agreement
Consequences should address any breach of agreement that may arise. These may include such steps as involving law enforcement personnel if the child is not returned at the specified time, to cancellation of visiting rights for a specified period if the parent fails to show up as scheduled. If your ex tries to encourage you to trust them not to get it wrong, don’t allow them to dissuade you from spelling out consequences for them not getting it right.
3. Use It as Guidance
Let the parallel parenting plan guide your actions no matter how strong your emotions might be towards the other parent. The purpose of a parallel parenting plan is to minimize the emotional engagement between parents, and to focus on what is fair and in the absolute best interest of your child. When we get tangled up in our emotions, our perspective becomes muddled, and we may lose sight of the ways our emotions negatively affect our child.
4. Maintain Your Boundaries
Every relationship benefits from healthy boundaries–whether it’s with friends, family, or colleagues on the job. However, boundaries are especially important to ensure that a parallel parenting plan works. You should never try to “check in” on your child when they are with your ex, nor should you allow your ex to breach the boundaries, either. Boundaries set clear limits on what is okay and what is not okay, as well as show your ex where you and your responsibilities begin and where theirs end.
5. Minimize Communication
The purpose of a parallel parenting agreement is to clarify the parental roles and describe the frequency and means of communication between parties. This arrangement eliminates opportunities for conflict between parents, which in turn ensures that children will not be exposed to any further dysfunction. Parental conflict is not easy for children to witness, and once a couple determines that separation is necessary, this paves the way for healthier parenting practices. Honor the effort that you have begun in establishing the parallel parenting agreement and only communicate with your ex if it is necessary and accomplished in the agreed manner.
6. Always Put Your Child’s Welfare First
This means that you never give your child reason to mistrust their other parent, and that you don’t communicate negative messages about them to your child. These practices will create confusion and anxiety for your child, and this may show up in regression in behavior and problems in school.
7. Remember: Your Child Is Their Own Person
Remember that your child does not have to mirror your own feelings about your ex, just as you wouldn’t necessarily want your child to mirror your ex’s feelings about you. Children soak up whatever their environment is saturated with, so focus on encouraging respect for your child’s other parent. This way, your child doesn’t feel that they are wrong to feel affection towards both parents.
8. Don’t Butt In
Accept that there are many different ways to get parenting “right” and that each parent can be successful in their own way. Allow your ex to parent your child in the way that makes sense for them, and don’t break communication guidelines to try and tell them what they should be doing. Having clear directives regarding when and what type of communication can be shared between parents helps keep them from trying to give unsolicited advice or feedback to the other parent.
9. Understand Your Child’s Need for Support From Both Parents
Recognize that your child deserves to develop deep relationships with both parents and both sides of their family. Children need all of the support and love that they can get in life. By trying to unfairly limit the time they have to spend with the other parent or their extended family, your actions not only do harm to your ex, they also negatively affect your child. Children, like adults, have a huge capacity to love others, and you won’t lose any love your child feels for you by supporting their opportunities to get to know their extended family.
10. Alert Appropriate Authorities When Necessary
If you have reason to suspect that your child’s safety is at risk, alert the appropriate authorities. Accusing the other parent face-to-face may put you in harm’s way, too, so reach out to agencies, legal representatives, and your own support system. If your relationship with the other parent was high-conflict or involved threats of harm to you or your child, make sure you have someone present with you at drop-off and pick-up meetings.
Is Therapy Helpful When Parallel Parenting?
No matter how a relationship ends, it is a significant transition–especially when children are involved. No matter how much distance you want to put between yourself and the other parent, your child will tie you together for life. Therapy can help you deal with the feelings related to the break-up itself, as well as help you manage the shift into parallel parenting. Perhaps over time, you can both aim towards co-parenting.
Finding the right therapist provides an objective perspective on your situation and can help you cope with the challenges you face as you master parallel parenting. Your child may benefit from therapy, too, if they are exhibiting negative reactions to the parallel parenting practice. Remember that therapy isn’t only about solving problems, it also helps prevent problems in the future.
Final Thoughts
When parents are unable to be civil to one another or treat each other with respect, parallel parenting can be the best path moving forward. Each parent will be able to choose how to parent their child when their child is in their custody. The creation of a clear plan is especially important, because it allows for parents to detach from their unhealthy relationship with each other and put their focus on their children, which is right where it should be.
For Further Reading
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: If you are a victim of domestic violence, please seek help immediately. You can find confidential assistance through the National Domestic Violence Hotline online or by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224
- LawHelp Interactive: This site provides access to legal forms related to child and family safety including custody and parenting plans. The site directs users to forms based on the state of residence.
Parallel Parenting Infographics
