Parallel parenting allows separated couples to parent independently from one another. This co-parenting model encourages limited communication except for necessary aspects of parenting, such as coordinating visitation days, attendance of school events, or important appointments. Implementing these techniques can lead to improvements in high-conflict situations or family dynamics.
What Is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting focuses on maintaining limited interaction and setting clear boundaries between separated parents who share joint custody of their child(ren). Communication is often conducted via email or through mediators to create distance between parents, especially in cases of domestic violence and high-conflict breakups. By developing firm guidelines for the arrangement structured through a parallel parenting plan, parents can spend time with their child without the risk of interference from the other parent.
Through parallel parenting, parents gain a stronger sense of independence and freedom. Parenting is a difficult job made more challenging when separated couples feel incapable of raising their child without negative feedback, interference, or interruption from the other parent. Setting their own house rules and determining their own parenting styles ensures parents can create a calm, less stressful environment for their children.
Co-Parenting Vs. Parallel Parenting
There are fundamental differences between parallel parenting and co-parenting. Co-parenting couples work together to develop a shared parenting plan for children. Agreement on behavior expectations, rules, discipline, and daily routines is encouraged, and parents work to ensure consistency across both homes for the child. Parents communicate with one another about their children, negotiate, and share decision-making in matters related to their children.1
In parallel parenting, there is an absence of collaboration and strict boundaries regarding communication between parents. Parents do not consult with one another about decision-making and don’t “check in” with the other parent. Parallel parenting involves detailed plans outlining pick-up times, locations, and schedules. Parents refrain from direct communication and do not intervene or comment on the other parent’s parenting behaviors.
What Are the Benefits of Parallel Parenting?
It is essential that a child feels safe and secure with both parents when parallel parenting. Having a detailed parallel parenting plan allows each parent the freedom to create an environment in which this security flourishes. The parent-child relationship remains the primary focus, resulting in a calmer, more peaceful experience for everyone. Parallel parenting benefits the entire family as it can improve academic performance, communication, and parental confidence.
Benefits of a parallel parenting arrangement may include:
- Less direct exposure to parental conflict
- Consistent routines with each parent
- Increased sense of security with both parents
- Fewer emotional and/or behavioral problems
- Better grades and more consistent academic performance
- More focus from the parents on the child’s wellbeing
- Improved confidence in parenting decisions
- More predictability for children
- Higher self-esteem for both parents and children
Possible Drawbacks to Parallel Parenting
Parallel parenting allows each parent independence from the other. However, this parenting model can create a sense of disconnection for the child, specifically if parents communicate negative messages about the other to their child. Furthermore, a parallel parenting arrangement can be more challenging if the custody agreement does not include equal time between houses.
When to Consider Parallel Parenting
There are several situations in which parallel parenting may be beneficial. Parents who struggle to maintain constructive communication, harbor resentment for one another, or are unable to respect one another may consider parallel parenting methods.
However, parallel parenting is no longer appropriate when child abuse is suspected. In these cases, a parent must contact appropriate agencies and inform relevant legal representatives.
A parallel parenting arrangement may be beneficial if:
- Parents are carrying grudges or hostility against one another regarding the separation
- Parents are unable to hold civil conversations with one another
- One parent is unable to allow their child to spend time with their ex without calling or texting for updates frequently
- There is an absence of mutual respect, effective communication, and willingness to work together as parents
How to Create a Parallel Parenting Plan
Creating a parallel parenting plan can seem like a tedious process. But, by investing time and energy into establishing clear rules from the outset, parenting your child–not arguing about terms with your ex–becomes the focus going forward. Parents should physically write and file plans with their legal representatives–doing so leaves no room for assumptions or wavering.
Some families utilize a communication book that includes information about the child’s day, health, or behaviors. The communication book travels with the child and helps parents stay “in the loop” on what happens concerning the well-being of their child. Furthermore, this book serves as a neutral zone free of negative feelings or thoughts toward the other parent.
A parallel parenting plan should clearly note the dates, times, and locations for transferring custody. Expectations about consistency in children’s routines–including bedtimes, extracurricular activities, and everything in between–should also be included in the plan.
A healthy parallel parenting plan should include:
- Formal custodial schedule for the child
- Holiday/vacation schedules
- Details regarding transportation/pick-up/drop-off sites
- Decision-making process regarding the child’s schoolings and extra-curricular activities such as clubs or athletics
- Medical care contingencies and decision-making process
- Communication expectations regarding events such as accidents or delays
- Consequences for not abiding by the plan
10 Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting
Transitioning to a parallel parenting method comes with unique challenges, but parents and children can reap the benefits of this arrangement when implemented effectively.
Here are 10 tips to help you parallel parent successfully:
1. Treat Your Plan Like a Business Agreement
Treat the parallel parenting plan as the most significant business agreement you’ve ever negotiated and signed–because it is. This agreement answers virtually any questions regarding the care of your child–what the exchange point is for transferring custody, what happens when your child is sick, what bedtime is, and so on.
File your agreement with your legal representative and share a copy with a trusted support network member. This document protects not only your decisions but also your child’s welfare. Once written and signed, hold yourself as accountable to this plan as your child’s other parent.
2. Delineate Consequences for Breach of Agreement
Consequences should address any breach of the agreement that may arise. These may include involving law enforcement if the child is not returned at the specified time or cancellation of visiting rights for a specified period if a parent fails to show up as scheduled. If your ex encourages you to ‘trust them’ not to get it wrong, don’t allow them to dissuade you from spelling out consequences for when they fall short.
3. Use Your Plan as Guidance
Let the parallel parenting plan guide your actions no matter how strong your emotions might be towards the other parent. The purpose of your plan is to minimize emotional engagement and focus on what is fair and in the absolute best interest of your child. When we get tangled up in our emotions, our perspective becomes muddled, and we may lose sight of how our feelings negatively affect our child.
4. Maintain Your Boundaries
Every relationship benefits from healthy boundaries, whether with friends, family, or colleagues on the job. However, implementing expectations and guidelines ensures that a parallel parenting plan works. Boundaries set clear limits on what is and is not okay. For example, you should never try to “check in” on your child when they are with your ex, nor should you allow your ex to breach the rules.
5. Minimize Communication With Your Ex
The purpose of a parallel parenting agreement is to clarify the parental roles and describe the frequency and means of communication between parties. This agreement eliminates opportunities for conflict between parents, shielding children from further dysfunction. Parental conflict is not easy for children to witness. Honor the effort you have begun in establishing the parallel parenting agreement and only communicate with your ex if it is necessary and accomplished in the agreed manner.
6. Always Put Your Child’s Welfare First
Never give your child reason to mistrust their other parent. Do not communicate negative messages about your ex to your child. These practices will create confusion and anxiety for your child, which may manifest as regression in behavior and problems in school.
7. Remember That Your Child Is Their Own Person
Remember that your child does not have to mirror your own feelings about your ex. Children soak up their environment, so focus on encouraging your child to develop their own perspective and feelings about their other parent. This way, your child does not believe they are wrong to feel affection toward both parents.
8. Don’t Butt In
Accept that there are many different ways to get parenting “right” and that each parent can be successful in their own way. Allow your ex to parent your child in a way that makes sense for them. Refrain from breaking communication guidelines to tell them what they should be doing. Setting clear directives regarding when and how communication occurs helps keep you from giving unsolicited advice or feedback.
9. Understand Your Child’s Need for Support From Both Parents
Recognize that your child deserves to develop deep relationships with both sides of their family. Children need support and love in life. Unfairly limiting time spent with their other parent or extended family harms your child. You won’t lose any love your child feels for you by supporting their opportunities to get to know their extended family.
10. Alert Appropriate Authorities When Necessary
Alert the appropriate authorities if you suspect your child’s safety is at risk. Accusing the other parent face-to-face may put you in harm’s way. Contact agencies, legal representatives, and your own support system when approaching this situation. If your relationship with the other parent was high-conflict or abusive, have someone present with you at drop-off and pick-up meetings.
Is Therapy Helpful When Parallel Parenting?
The end of a relationship ends is a significant transition–especially when children are involved. No matter how much distance you put between yourself and the other parent, your child will tie you together for life. Therapy can help you deal with the feelings related to the break-up and manage the shift into parallel parenting. Over time, you can both aim toward co-parenting if desired.
Finding the right therapist provides an objective perspective on your situation and can help you cope with the challenges you face as you master parallel parenting. Your child may also benefit from therapy if they react poorly to their new routine. Remember that seeking professional support is about solving current problems and preventing future conflicts.
Final Thoughts
When parents cannot be civil with one another or treat each other with respect, parallel parenting can be the best path moving forward. Creating a clear plan is especially important because it allows parents to detach from their unhealthy relationship with each other and focus on their children.
For Further Reading
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: If you are a victim of domestic violence, please seek help immediately. You can find confidential assistance through the National Domestic Violence Hotline online or by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224
- LawHelp Interactive: This site provides access to legal forms related to child and family safety including custody and parenting plans. The site directs users to forms based on the state of residence.
Parallel Parenting Infographics
