Parenting is commonly identified as four different styles: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, and Uninvolved. Parenting styles can include areas of discipline, emotional well-being, and communication. Each parenting style has its own unique characteristics and effects on children.
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When discussing parenting styles there are two key terms to understand:
- Responsiveness: the extent to which parents intentionally foster individuality, self-regulation, and self-assertion by being attuned, supportive, and acquiescent to children’s special needs and demands1
- Demandingness: the claims parents make on children to become integrated into the family whole, by their maturity demands, supervision, disciplinary efforts and willingness to confront the child who disobeys1
The four parenting styles are:
1. Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritarian style parenting can be described as having high demand and low response. This type of parenting environment uses hostile control or punishment to demand compliance and obedience. Parents typically offer no explanation for rules or decisions and do not engage in discussion or input from the child.2
Parents that practice an authoritarian style describe valuing and demanding a high adherence to obeying rules and behaviors at request. Authoritarian style parents struggle to see or are unwilling to provide explanations or rationale for their decisions, regardless if it is related to discipline, emotional well-being, or communication. Authoritarian parents display low responsiveness and are generally not very emotional or affectionate toward their child. Often parents are critical of the child, especially when expectations are not met.
Authoritarian style parents may have learned their style from previous generations or cultural experiences. These types of parents are commonly referred to as “super strict” or hold a belief that children should be “seen not heard.” Parents who lean toward an authoritarian style are often get labeled as controlling parents or helicopter parents.
Pros & Cons of Authoritarian Parenting
Pros of authoritarian parenting include the following:
- Boundaries and expectations are clearly conveyed to the child
- Easy to engage in as no explanations are offered or discussion encouraged
Cons of authoritarian parenting include the following:
- Limited to no explanation is given to children for decisions, rules, or expectations
- Limited to no affection or importance placed on sharing emotions
- Rule-dependent for all decisions and expectations which can create an issue for situations where rules are flexible, changing, or not established
- Parent/Child relationship can be strained and insecure
Impact of Authoritarian Parenting on Children
Since parents place high demand on obedience and good behavior they will expect kids to accept parental judgment and accept values and goals of the parent without questioning or challenging them.3 This severely limits children’s ability to independently make judgments and decisions for themselves.
Research suggests children of authoritarian parents tend to display lower self esteem and self-efficacy due to being inexperienced in making their own decisions and judgements. Children tend to have poor mental health and can be emotionally withdrawn due to lack of encouragement and modeling for expressing and managing emotions.4
Despite having strict rules and expectation, children will display rebellion tendencies, particularly toward authority figures due to rule and expectation fatigue.5
Example of Authoritarian Parenting
Examples seen in authoritarian style parenting can include common phrases such as “because I said so” or “what I say goes.” While these statements may be true they lack explanation for a child to understand reason and implies that acceptance and adhering to rules should be automatic and not questioned even when confused.
An example scenario among authoritarian parents can include threats for behavioral issues. Imagine during a shopping trip a child asks the parent if they can get a toy. The parent states “no” and does not offer an explanation. The child reacts negatively and begins to complain and raise their voice. The parent then responds with “if you don’t stop I will take all of your toys when we get home.” This displays a high demand that the child cease from complaining and raising their voice while offering no explanation as to why the child cannot pick out a toy.
2. Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative parenting can be described as having high demand and high responsiveness. In other words, the parent provides a nurturing and warm environment while simultaneously providing firm limits and boundaries.6 Parents are willing to listen to their children’s viewpoint and explain their rationale for decisions.
Authoritative parents understand and are sensitive to the fact that their children will have their own ideas and judgments in life. Authoritative parents will be willing to listen to their children’s concerns and disagreements with an open mind. Parents will often have discussions with their children and provide reasoning and guidance for decisions and expectations. Parents are able to acknowledge to their children they do not have to agree with them yet will still allow them to express their thoughts.
Authoritative parents place a high value on emotional needs and affection of their children. Mental health and emotions are important to understand and regulate. Parents model healthy boundaries and relationships with their children, encouraging them to be self reliant while providing a safe and stable environment.
Pros & Cons of Authoritative Parenting
Pros of authoritative parenting include:
- Provides consistent rules and expectations
- Emphasis on mental health/emotions
- Balances input and ideas from parent and child
- Creates an emotionally safe environment
- Parent/Child relationship is healthy and supportive
Cons of authoritative parenting include:
- Can be difficult to implement as it can be trial and error to balance both discipline and independence for the children
- New strategies will need to be implemented as emotional needs change with developmental stages
Impact of Authoritative Parenting on Children
Authoritative parenting is generally viewed as the optimal parenting style since the environment is warm and loving with consistent and predictable rules and expectations. Since authoritative parents provide an environment where autonomy is promoted through support and independence, children are more self reliant and socially responsible.5
Research indicates that children of authoritative parents have better mental health compared to other parent styles. Reasons can include establishing an environment of explanation and logic along with expression of love and acceptance. This also creates children with higher self esteem and higher achievement academically.4
Example of Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative parents promote consistency and stability. They are emotionally in tune to their children and provide them with structure and guidance to be successful. Authoritative parents understand that children can and will make mistakes and it is important to be supportive and responsive while their children are continuing to grow and learn.
An example scenario of authoritative parenting can include acknowledging emotions while correcting behavior. Imagine your child becoming angry at losing a game and ending up breaking their controller. Instead of berating the child for breaking the controller a parent will support and normalize the child’s feeling of anger and frustration at losing along with explaining to the child that breaking valuables is not a healthy way to manage anger.
The parent might say something like, “I understand you are angry that you lost, it’s okay to be upset when we lose at a game. I would have been angry too. Yet it is not okay to break our valuables when we are angry.” The parent might encourage the child to participate in brainstorming how they might handle feeling anger in a positive way providing the opportunity for problem solving and self regulation.
3. Permissive Parenting
Permissive parenting can be described as having high responsiveness and low demandingness. Permissive parents are supportive and attuned to their child’s emotional needs and provide a warm and loving environment. However, permissive parents struggle to set rules and expectations for behaviors. Permissive parents can be seen as being “lax” when it comes to rules.
A permissive parent will typically put their child’s emotional needs and happiness above all else. As long as the child is happy, the parent is happy. This can include struggling to say “no” when a child asks or demands something. Permissive parents do little to provide their children with guidance on how to behave socially and there are no limits with rules. Permissive parents are sometimes called “indulgent” when it comes to child rearing practices and struggle to implement discipline as they do not want to disappoint or upset their child.
Pros & Cons of Permissive Parenting
Pros of permissive parenting include:
- Social and emotional needs are valued
- Parent/Child relationship is secure and safe emotionally
Cons of permissive parenting include:
- Limited to no rules or expectations
- Limited to no guidance on acceptable behaviors
- Child may “rule the household”
Impact of Permissive Parenting on Children
Permissive parents are warm and loving toward their children and their needs, which is healthy and can foster strong attachments and bonding. However, permissive parenting puts little emphasis on discipline and correcting behaviors. Approaching child rearing with indulgent behaviors can have implications. Children can display signs of self-centered behaviors and emotions and behavioral problems over time.8 Children of permissive parents can display low levels of self reliance and self esteem due to dependence on the parent (potentially even an element of emotional incest). Children can also be impulsive and display rebellious behaviors due to lack of rules and expectations.6
Example of Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents might make comments such as “I never say no to my child” or “my child chooses what they want to do.” Permissive parents struggle to set age appropriate boundaries and instead shift decision making to children.
A scenario of permissive parenting can include a parenting allowing a child to make a choice that might impact their well being. Imagine a child who wants to stay up later on a school night to finish watching a movie. A permissive parent will allow the child to make their own decision to stay up later than normal even though they will need to wake up and prepare for school the next day. The permissive parent believes the child will make the “correct” decision for themselves and will learn from the experience. The permissive parent will be sympathetic to the fact the child is tired in the morning, however, will not set a boundary of a bedtime so the child can get adequate sleep. The child has free range to choose bedtime despite negative consequences from lack of proper sleep.
4. Uninvolved Parenting
Uninvolved parenting can be described as having low demandingness and low responsiveness. Uninvolved parenting does not provide expectations or support regarding behaviors, emotions, or needs of the child.
Uninvolved parenting, sometimes referred to as neglectful parenting, provides basic needs for the child such as shelter, clothing, and food. The parent does not provide expectations for social or academic behaviors. Furthermore the parent does not support or nurture the child when it comes to emotions, relationships, and self esteem. The parent will ignore, be dismissive, or uninterested in the child outside of providing basic needs.
Pros & Cons of Uninvolved Parenting
Pros:
- There are not any pros to this parenting style.
Cons:
- Does not address emotional needs
- Does not set behavioral or academic expectations
- Parent/Child relationship is extremely fragile or non-existent
Impact of Uninvolved Parenting on Children
Uninvolved parenting is arguably the most detrimental parenting to children. Uninvolved parents are unavailable, unresponsive, and reject the needs of the child. Being uninvolved in child-rearing by providing no rules, expectations or warmth can have serious implications.2 Children are likely to have poor mental health including low self esteem, low self confidence, and seek validation from others.6
Example of Uninvolved Parenting
Uninvolved parenting is not always done intentionally or with malicious intent. A parent may have to work long hours or multiple jobs to provide for the family, have a limited understanding of the importance of providing more than basic needs to children, or experienced uninvolved parenting themselves growing up.
An example scenario of an uninvolved parent can include a parent who has returned home late one night after work. The parent does not initiate making dinner for the child and insists the child “eat whatever” if they are hungry. The parent does not engage in conversation about the child’s day, progress in school, or assist the child in preparing a meal. The parent is uninterested or too busy to check in with the child. The parent believes the child can manage their own needs since they have provided food options, however, a child may not have a clear understanding on what to prepare for a meal that is nutritious and filling.
What Should I Do If I Want to Change My Parenting Style?
Parents generally have a preferential style which can be traced back to their own experiences, observations, or information gathering. Parents often question and reflect on if their own style is optimal. In fact, according to a national parent survey conducted by Zero to Three and the Bezos Family Foundation, 57% of parents struggle with figuring out the most effective way to discipline.7
Parenting can be challenging. Children do not come with instructions on how to provide the best possible care. If you recognize some parenting practice that you would like to change or more fully develop, there is help to best suit your situation.
Several options for changing your parenting style are:
- Talking and working with a therapist or counselor that specializes in family therapy and relationships can provide insight and strategies on healthy parenting behaviors and assist in practicing and implementing these new parenting strategies into your family life.
- Participating in a psychoeducational group on parenting skills. There are several programs that are tailored to fit families needs and developmental ages, such as The Incredible Years (ages 3-6), Strengthening Families Program (10-14), and Positive Parenting (all ages)
- Certified parenting coaches can provide family support and help cultivate a stronger parent/child bond
- Books, podcasts, and online programs can be a good option. Be mindful to look at reviews, comments, and research the source to make sure you are receiving helpful information.
- Set parenting goals for yourself (a therapist or coach can also help with this). For example, if you struggle with providing emotional support, set a goal to check-in with your child a least x amount of times per week and engage in active listening and validating feelings.
Additional Resources
For more information and additional resources here are a few suggestions to get you started:
- Read about how parent coaching and family therapy can help promote healthy parenting techniques
- Therapist Directory: Find therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
- Zero to Three
- Child Mind Institute
- Nurturing Parenting
- Books About Parenting
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
