What Is Reparenting? 10 Tips for How to Start

What Is Reparenting?

Reparenting’s purpose is to fulfill any personal needs that were not met in one’s childhood. Because children take a majority of their cues from their parents, a child who grows up with a parent unable or unwilling to guide them will often develop misconceptions about certain needs. Additionally, children learn how to behave in relationships, form healthy attachments, communicate, set expectations, and manage conflict from parental figures. Reparenting puts a person in the role of their parents, so they can make necessary changes to these subconscious ideas and concepts.

History of Reparenting Therapy

Reparenting was first developed as a part of transactional analysis, a therapeutic approach founded by Eric Berne. The premise behind this practice is that every interaction is heavily influenced by internal “life scripts” of corresponding thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that a person has established over the years.¹ Berne labeled three distinct “ego states” through which we develop these scripts–Child, Adult, and Parent.

As we pass through life, we learn what is expected of us in different roles (these are our “life scripts”). Transactional analysis evaluates a person’s understanding of these ego states and the life scripts that accompany them, and encourages them to change certain behaviors in order to live a healthier and more fulfilled life. Although this process seems simple enough, there are several levels involved and each one requires a different degree of professional help and independence.

Below are the four levels of reparenting:

Total Regression

Total regression was developed by Jaqui Lee Schiff in the 60s.² Originally, a client lived with a therapist for a certain period of time in a “childlike” state. The therapist then played the role of the parent in order to fulfill the client’s neglected childhood needs. In modern practice, this would likely involve hospitalization or treatment care for a client, as well as intensive one-on-one work with a therapist. This approach is seldom (if ever) used within the United States because of the ethical issues related to maintaining healthy and appropriate boundaries.

Time-Limited Regression

Time-limited regression reparenting was developed by Thomas Wilson to provide more structure than than its predecessor. Clients would attend five two-hour sessions with their therapist while still living on their own. Today, sessions still focus on nurturing and supporting a client, but are more intensive and structured than total regression reparenting. This approach has been used for patients with schizophrenia and with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).³

Spot Reparenting

First introduced by Russell Osnes, spot reparenting targets specific problematic experiences that occurred within one’s childhood, rather than trying to rewrite the past. Because this focuses on specific incidents (such as an event or type of parental abuse), it tends to be less time-intensive.⁴

Self-Reparenting

Self-reparenting was developed by Muriel James, and emphasizes the positive pieces of the Parent ego state that are already in place. This form of reparenting encourages the client to be the primary parent figure for themselves, instead of the therapist.⁵ This is typically the most common approach to reparenting therapy, because it aligns with US ethical standards best.

How Reparenting Is Helpful

Reparenting can have a beneficial impact on many peoples’ lives. Examining how your childhood negatively impacts your view of yourself, your relationships, and your perception of the world gives you the power to rewrite these messages and live a happier life.

Self-reparenting can be used to help a person:

Create Healthy Boundaries

We learn from our parents where, when, and with whom to set boundaries; why to set boundaries; and how we should feel about different boundaries. Dispelling guilt and shame related to setting healthy boundaries can help a person determine what behaviors or actions they will and will not tolerate moving forward.

Build Healthier Relationships

If we didn’t form healthy attachments with our parents while growing up, it is incredibly hard to do so in adulthood. By identifying subconscious perceptions of relationships, a person is able to approach social and relational connections with more intentionality.

Become a Better Parent

Typically, a person will not witness anyone parent more extensively than their own parents. Because of this, people often revert to similar behaviors as their parents, because they don’t have another “blueprint” to follow. Examining the ways in which your parents fell short can open the possibility for becoming a better parent yourself.

Improve Emotional Regulation

We grow up watching how our parents talk about and respond to their own emotions. As children, we often mimic these behaviors. If our parents felt shame or resistance to certain emotions or disciplined us for expressing these, it can be difficult as an adult to regulate such feelings. By addressing this issue, we can increase our ability to effectively regulate our emotions, which has major positive impacts on overall quality of life.

Rediscover & Increase Life Satisfaction

Re-evaluating the negative messages fed to you as a child may help you develop a more positive outlook on life. It could also help you identify forgotten pieces of yourself that align with your values and interests. This may include embracing a piece of yourself that your parents condemned (such as your sexuality), or viewing relationships as fulfilling, rather than toilsome.

Build Confidence

By making decisions for yourself, you foster innate self-trust and awareness. This can be challenging, but standing by your choices will help you feel more confident in any situation or interactions with others.

How To Reparent Yourself

Reparenting is a process that takes time and effort. However, establishing habits that would have been beneficial to you in childhood can help you avoid becoming discouraged. Focus on understanding yourself and your patterns, practicing acceptance of these patterns, and gently altering these patterns until they improve.

Here are 10 tips for reparenting yourself:

1. Be Self-Compassionate

The most important aspect of reparenting is practicing self-compassion. It’s important to remember that no one chooses their parents. Because of this, focus on being gentle with yourself as you attempt to change what you were unable to control as a child

2. Honor Your Feelings

Identifying, validating, and meeting your emotional needs is one of the hardest parts of reparenting. People are often provided with limited emotional language as children, and are taught to categorize emotions as “good” or “bad” (or some variation). However, continue to remind yourself that all emotions are necessary, regardless of how we feel about them. Emotions will come up; it’s how we respond to them that is important.

3. Cling to Curiosity

Reparenting is a continual process of studying our responses, identifying which ones are unhealthy, and working to understand why we developed them in the first place. Instead of judging yourself, continue to stay curious as you look at your patterns with more clarity and accuracy. The better we see and understand a problem, the more effectively we are able to address and change it.

4. Be Patient With Yourself

It’s important to remember that our understandings of ourselves, relationships, and the world are often stored within our subconscious mind. We’re typically not aware of the patterns we developed as children. Remember that it took years to form these patterns, therefore it will take time to unlearn and reformulate them.

5. Work Toward Consistency

Because our patterns are so ingrained in us, it will take repeated intentionality to form new ones. Once you identify your negative patterns and approach them differently, you will likely need to make multiple attempts to change them. Give yourself grace when you fall back into an old pattern, and focus on picking back up where you left off.

6. Return to Your “Why”

Reparenting can be a long and sometimes frustrating process. During stressful moments, it can be helpful to remind yourself why you’re attempting to reparent yourself. This can be challenging, but will encourage you to continue working through this process.

7. Embrace Self-Discipline

Oftentimes, structure and routine are important pieces of childhood that a person failed to receive from their parents. A parent may not have provided structure around boundary setting in relationships, time management, and performance levels, and this can impede a child’s emotional development. Learning that it’s okay to tell others “no,” that things do not have to be perfect, and how to hold yourself accountable are all ways that you can reparent yourself.

8. Seek Joy

A key aspect of being a child is noticing the wonders of the world and allowing yourself to be delighted by them. As we grow, we are often given messages about when and how it is acceptable to feel joy. Seeking and embracing the things that bring you happiness is a great way to fulfill your inner child’s unmet needs.

9. Release Blame

While it is important for you to hold your parents responsible for their shortcomings, remind yourself that they may have acted so due to their own tumultuous upbringing. They were likely doing the best they could with the information and teachings they had. Examining your parents’ behaviors intentionally can help you decide if you plan on continuing a relationship with them, and whether releasing the blame you may be holding against them is possible.

10. Focus on Self-Care

Reparenting yourself can be draining and exhausting. It’s important to make sure you are focusing on consistently tending to your own physical and emotional needs. Self-care can take many forms, including setting boundaries, disengaging from toxic relationships, taking time to yourself, tending to physical needs, and going to therapy.

Who Can Benefit From Reparenting Therapy?

There are certain populations that reparenting therapy is particularly helpful for, as most have learned unhealthy behavioral, emotional, or relational patterns to some degree. People who have experienced emotional, physical, and sexual abuse or emotional and physical neglect are likely to find this therapeutic method particularly beneficial.

Reparenting can help individuals understand why these parental behaviors were harmful, and thus how they can be better themselves. Understanding where your patterns stem from can help you to make intentional choices and changes moving forward.

Final Thoughts

If there are patterns in your life that you would like to change, reparenting yourself or reparenting therapy may be beneficial. Focus on identifying how you’d like to make these changes, as well as maintaining self-care and implementing healthy lifestyle choices. Remember that these changes take time, so be patient with yourself and work toward consistency.