Setting Boundaries With an Alcoholic: What You Need to Know

What Are Boundaries?

It’s important in any relationship to set healthy boundaries, but this is especially true with individuals struggling with alcoholism. Boundaries are a form of self-care and are a necessary step in maintaining healthy relationships with alcoholics, whether they are family members, friends, or colleagues.

To set boundaries, you first have to know what they are, but also why they matter. Brene Brown defines boundaries as “what’s okay with you, and what’s not okay with you”. She also points out that without boundaries, there is no autonomy in the relationship, just enmeshment.¹ Boundaries help us keep our sense of self in a relationship.

Alcoholism & Its Impact on Relationships

Alcoholism, also known as alcohol use disorder (AUD), involves physical, cognitive, and emotional dependence on alcohol. People who struggle with AUD will also experience cravings for alcohol and increased tolerance. Outside of the physical and cognitive signs, there are also behavioral signs and difficulties that can present. For example, increased irritability/anger, lashing out, or memory loss.

Since alcohol impacts the judgment and memory portions of the brain, many who struggle with alcoholism will engage in risky behaviors, have limited insight, and poor decision-making abilities. This can impact their ability to care for themself, and others. Alcoholism affects families too and can strain any relationship, leading to a need for clear and effective boundaries.

Common Boundaries That Alcoholics Struggle With

There are also specific challenges that come with having a relationship with an alcoholic, such as unpredictability, emotional volatility, and the potential for codependency (emotionally and financially).

Common boundaries that alcoholics struggle with include:

Safety Issues

When someone is under the influence, has no boundaries, or struggles to establish them, they are more likely to be in situations or environments where they are unsafe or at risk. For example, driving under the influence, engaging in unprotected sex with multiple partners, getting into fights or arguments, and an inability to remember previous behaviors, conversations, or events.

Showing Up to Events Already Under the Influence of Alcohol

Someone struggling with alcoholism has the potential to begin experiencing alcohol withdrawal within hours of their last drink², leading them to drink more heavily or frequently. They may also not be keeping track of how much or when they’ve had a drink, leading them to be present in spaces while they are under the influence.

Asking for Money or Favors

Prioritizing alcohol costs money. Over time, many people struggle to financially support their alcohol use, which leads them to request money from others. They may ask for money for rent, gas, food, etc., but then instead spend this money on alcohol, leaving bills, or other financial commitments to be left unpaid. You may also notice increased requests for favors like transportation aid.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries With an Alcoholic

Setting boundaries is crucial for the mental and emotional well-being of both parties in the relationship, including the benefits for the individual with alcohol dependency and their loved ones. This is because boundaries help in managing expectations and reducing conflicts.

Types of boundaries that should be set include:

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries are about protecting your thoughts and emotions. This may be deciding what types of conversations or information you do and don’t feel comfortable sharing. For example: discontinuing the conversation or being more firm when the person becomes overly emotional and acts out. It’s also being aware of how emotionally available you are to the person.

Physical Boundaries

Protecting your privacy, personal space, and body. For example, remove yourself from the situation if you feel someone’s alcohol use is leading them to act inappropriately toward you or if you feel you are in danger. This is especially helpful if you start to notice a pattern of behaviors like someone becoming too touchy, making inappropriate sexual comments, etc.

Financial Boundaries

These boundaries will make sure you are not being taken advantage of and can protect your own financial well-being. For example, not transferring someone’s money or giving them cash. Instead, you aid them in purchasing only the items they need so they are unable to spend any extra on alcohol.

Time Boundaries

How much time you spend engaged with the person, whether this be leisure, aid, or simply listening. For example: if you know someone loses track of time when under the influence and will overstay, ensuring there is a definitive and communicated end time to the event.

How to Set Boundaries With an Alcoholic Effectively

The best boundaries are clear, assertive, and respectful. It’s also important to remain consistent and communicate boundaries directly and honestly.

Communicating Boundaries to the Alcoholic

Effective and assertive communication takes time and practice but will allow you to communicate your boundaries in a way that expresses your thoughts, emotions, and opinions in a way that does not put the other person down. But, first, it’s important to identify what’s unacceptable to you and why.

Next, decide what consequences will be set in place. The next step is to speak to the person and discuss the boundaries. Prepare for resistance and backlash, and know the most important thing to do is stay firm about your decision. The XYZ Formula, I Statements, and DEAR MAN are all great skills to use when communicating boundaries.^{3, 4}

Maintaining & Enforcing Boundaries

The biggest difficulty folks have with boundaries is maintaining and enforcing the boundaries over time. This can be especially difficult when faced with relapses or manipulative behavior. Attempt to have follow-up conversations where you re-visit the boundaries set and why they are important and helpful. But, most importantly, reach out for support and aid if you feel frustrated or disrespected.

How to Help an Alcoholic With Boundaries

It’s important to be patient and supportive while the other person learns. It can also be helpful to find ways to remind them about the boundaries you set. You can do this by setting up a follow-up conversation where boundaries can be re-discussed and questions can be asked. You could also find a way to provide them with the boundaries in written form.

Self-Care for the Boundary Setter

The purpose of boundaries is to keep you safe, but setting and maintaining them can also become a strain. It’s important to have other self-care options you can turn to and ways to take a break if needed. You could also seek out extra support through a support group (Al-Anon) or in therapy.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you’re struggling to set boundaries, to communicate, or you’re starting to feel the strain it may be time to reach out to a professional. You can use an online therapist directory or online therapy platform to find a therapist who specializes in boundaries or alcohol use disorder. If you feel medication might be an option, there are also online psychiatrist options.