BDSM: Meaning, Benefits, & Tips from a Sex Therapist

What Is BDSM?

Broadly, BDSM involves various expressions of power, control, and sensations which some may refer to as ‘kink’. These dynamics may or may not involve sexual acts, but always include consent. Some people may have fantasies about the use of restraints or force yet have no interest in acting these out in real life. Others may prefer for every sexual encounter to be kinky.

People who participate in BDSM do so intentionally and with others who are engaging consensually. This is what distinguishes BDSM from assault or sexual sadism disorder– consent. It’s estimated that about 20% of people have engaged in some form of BDSM in their lifetime.¹ Additionally, about 50% of men and women have fantasized about BDSM practices.²

BDSM includes the following:

• (BD) – Bondage and Discipline: typically involves the use of restraints, sensation play (such as pain or other intense stimulation), and punishment.
• (D/s) – Dominance and Submission: dynamics involve psychological control, including giving and complying with orders or demands.
• (SM) – Sadism and Masochism: (sometimes called sadomasochism) usually pertain to infliction or receipt of intense sensations. While some may describe this as ‘pain’, the community recognizes pain is relative.
• (M/s) – Master and Slave: is a more extreme iteration of control in which one person fully yields control of one or more areas of life to a Master.

The Psychology of BDSM

People are drawn to BDSM for various reasons, but research has yet to find any link with mental illness, including paraphilic disorders.^2,3 One study found that 68% of people have had at least one BDSM related fantasy or behavior, with 22% reporting fantasy with no behaviors or actions.³ That’s a lot of people thinking about some kinky stuff!

Power is often an integral part of sexual dynamics. BDSM practices create an avenue to explore these in a safe and controlled manner. Research has shown that people who engage in BDSM have lower levels of benevolent sexism, rape myth acceptance, and victim blaming.³ There is also evidence of activation of both the pleasure and pain areas of the brain, as well as increases in arousal and decreases in stress.^3,4

How BDSM Works in Relationships

Some people will intentionally find partners who are also interested in kink practices. Many dating sites exist for this specific purpose. Others may introduce the idea in an existing vanilla relationship. Some couples may want to try something new, or perhaps emotional intimacy has strengthened to the point where long-held desires can finally be named.

It’s more likely for people involved in BDSM to be ethically non-monogamous/polyamorous,³ which may open the door to exploring kink interests without anyone feeling pressured. Some couples may attend community events together to learn or explore all the ways BDSM can look. The most important thing is to talk openly along the way. Trying out different roles, behaviors, or dynamics can allow for journeying into uncharted sexual waters.

Is BDSM All About Sex?

While about 70% of kinksters say BDSM practices are regularly combined with sex,⁴ this means that there are a lot of people who are playing for reasons other than sexual pleasure. For some, the idea of completely surrendering to someone else is highly erotic and freeing, even if there’s no sexual contact.

The trust required for a solid BDSM relationship is profound. For those who may have experienced abuse or neglect in their life, trust may be lacking. Establishing a solid relationship with a partner can provide a template for trust that is completely new. Submissives have also been shown to have reduction in activity in the prefrontal cortex during BDSM activities,² meaning their thinking (and worrying) brains are getting a break.

BDSM Roles

There are various roles people can embrace within BDSM, and some may depend on the types of dynamics or interests. In situations where there is egalitarian sensation play (i.e. we both spank each other), these roles may be less salient. Some people are very set in their role and may see it as a stable part of their identity. Others may be open to shifting roles depending on the scene or the other players involved.

What Is a Dominant?

A Dominant (also called Dom [masc], Domme [femme], sadist, or top) is someone who assumes power in the dynamic. While men tend to lean more towards the Dominant side, this can be anyone of any gender. They are often the one giving commands and leading the scene. The Dominant provides structure and maintains boundaries in the relationship. More importantly, they are responsible for the well-being, support, and safety of their submissive.

The role of Dominant begins with negotiating the contract for a scene or relationship. They ensure that everyone involved is being considered, and that safety is paramount. They assure that safe words and gestures are clearly known. During play, a Dom/Domme may give orders, inflict intense sensations, or punish if necessary. Behaviors can range from spanking and flogging to detailing every moment of how their submissive will spend the day.

What Is a submissive?

A submissive (also called sub, masochist, or bottom) is a person who assumes the power-down position in the relationship. They consensually yield control, both physical and psychological, to their Dominant. They comply with rules and boundaries, accept orders given, and aim to serve the desires of the Dominant. While more women lean towards the submissive role, this can be anyone of any gender or presentation.

The submissive person is compliant, agreeable, and serving. They will often use honorific language such as “Sir, Ma’am, Master, or Mistress”. There may be rules around when a sub can speak, roles they must play, or ways they must serve their Dominant. For some, this is a role taken for limited times or specific scenes. Others may engage in a lifestyle in which their Dominant dictates every aspect of life.

What Is a Switch?

A switch is someone who is open to take either a Dominant or a submissive role. This may depend on the person(s) they’re playing with, the scene that is taking place, or the location where it all happens. Some people may not be comfortable in a submissive role while in public but feel able to yield in this way at home.

Research has shown that folks who are genderqueer are more likely to identify as a switch, and that switches are less likely to identify as heterosexual than Dominants.² Switches may take on either role within the same scene or may fully adopt one role in one scenario and then take on the other role in a subsequent scenario.

What Is a Master?

A Master is an extreme iteration of a Dominant. A Master often expects to have complete control over their slave in all aspects of life, and that this control be given with complete trust and consent. There may or may not be other physical aspects of BDSM play. People who identify as a Master are more likely to see this as a part of identity and not a role that is taken occasionally.

What Is a slave?

A slave is an extreme iteration of a submissive. A slave fully and consensually yields control over their actions and decisions to their Master. A slave lives a life of service and finds meaning in pleasing their Master and adhering to the rules established. In this dynamic, other aspects of BDSM play may or may not be involved. This dynamic is more likely to be seen as an aspect of identity and not an occasional dalliance.

Common Types of BDSM

Once people begin to understand all the ways BDSM can look, they may be surprised to realize they’ve done some of these! This list is definitely not exhaustive, as people continue to evolve and explore the far reaches of sexuality and power. Again, each of these examples assumes that all parties understand the potential risks and are fully consenting to engage in the scene or dynamic.

Common types of BDSM include:

• Age Play: Engaging in role play or power exchange in which one or more people pretend to be a different age, usually younger, than they are.
• Breath Play: A less safe form of play in which people restrict air intake to enhance or intensify sexual arousal or response. Breath play can also involve commands around breathing or holding one’s breath.
• Gender Play: Play involving stereotypical gender dynamics or pretending to be another gender.
• Bondage: Use of restraints such as handcuffs or ropes to restrict movement and highlight power dynamics, sometimes called Rigger BDSM.
• Suspension: The use of hooks or other rigging to elevate or suspend someone. Hooks are usually inserted through the skin.
• Impact Play: Striking or other percussive acts such as spanking, hitting, flogging, or caning.
• Sensation Play: Use of various sensations such as candle wax or electricity.
• Role Play: Pretending to be someone else, usually a stereotypical role such as nurse, schoolteacher, boss, etc. This often involves power dynamics.
• Edge Play: This can vary by person as it involves getting to the edge of comfort or consent. It may involve exposure to feared situations or stimuli.
• Consensual Non-Consent: Scenes where force is role played and dissent or refusal is verbalized or advances are rejected, yet still persist are called consensual non-consent or CNC kinks.

Essential Rules for Safer BDSM Sex

It can’t be emphasized enough that the foundation of BDSM is CONSENT! BDSM dynamics don’t start in the bedroom, they start at the negotiating table. To ensure everyone’s safety, there needs to be understanding about boundaries, needs, expectations, risks, and limits. Establish ways to check in before, during, and after a scene. Be willing to revisit and edit agreements as needed.

The idea of practices being safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) began in the 1980’s as a way to distinguish BDSM from sexual coercion or assault. Given that some practices may not be safe, but people are still willing to engage knowing the risks, the term has evolved into RACK – Risk Aware/Accepted Consensual Kink. The term “sane” is also not the best to use given the degree of stigma that alternative sexualities have faced.

Essential rules for safely engaging in BDSM play include:

Ensure Consent

Consent means agreeing to engage with an understanding of what’s going to happen, with whom it’s going to happen, and the potential risks. Consent can only be given free of coercion, manipulation, or pressure. Ongoing consent is clearly expressed in an agreed upon manner. Solid consent is what allows for psychological safety and truly immersing oneself in the scene.

If a behavior or dynamic has not previously been discussed or agreed upon, it has no place in a scene. New behaviors or ideas of interest need to be addressed in a future conversation where everyone is able to consider the risks and determine if it’s something they want to try. Bringing in something new when a scene is active does not allow for such consideration.

Set Boundaries

Psychological safety is paramount in BDSM play. For people who may be new to this, there may not yet be a clear sense of what boundaries are needed. Be restrictive around setting boundaries early on, and then begin to relax them as you feel more comfortable and aware of yourself and your needs.

Stay Sober

Not to be a buzz kill, but it’s highly recommended (no pun intended) to engage in kink soberly. Some people may feel nervous and want to have a drink or a toke to take the edge off. This can dull the senses and make it more difficult to know when either you or a partner is reaching their limit. BDSM is about getting into another headspace to fully explore one’s sexuality – allow yourself to be fully present for it!

Establish Safe Words & Gestures

A safe word is an agreed upon term that, when used, will immediately cease all activities and prompt a check-in. The importance of this cannot be emphasized enough. When engaging in play that may be risky or dangerous, there needs to be a clear way to communicate when someone has reached their limit. Practice using safe words in everyday situations to make sure that you’ll be able to respond appropriately in the heat of the moment.

It’s also a good idea to have a safe gesture, especially when play involves restriction of speech or air. When thinking about what this might be, imagine the types of scenes where this would be relevant. Are arms and legs free or bound? Are eyes visible or blindfolded? When movement or vocalizations are restricted, there must be a way to communicate.

Use the Traffic Light System

We’re all familiar with the green light, yellow light, red light paradigm. Making use of something known can take the pressure off remembering a new word or phrase. Anyone can use this to name where they are or to check in with a partner.

Green light indicates that everything is good and can continue. Yellow means that someone is nearing their limit and may need to slow down but doesn’t need to stop. Red light is a hard stop at least to check in, and possibly to end the scene.

Plan for Aftercare

We sometimes get so focused on the ‘main event’ that we don’t think through to the end. BDSM practices can bring up significant feelings for many people. Think about what you’ll need when the scene is over and make this a part of the agreement. Some people want to be cuddled or held, others may want food or water. Whatever it is, be sure to communicate this in the planning.

Take Time to Reflect

BDSM practices may bring out parts of you that you weren’t aware of before. Take some time to reflect on scenes and your experience of them. Was it what you expected? Were there aspects that were more difficult or easier than you anticipated? How has your understanding of pain and pleasure evolved? Keeping a journal can be a great way to track the journey of self-discovery that BDSM often invites.

Revisit Agreements

As our awareness of ourselves and our interests grows, so might our willingness to explore. Be open to revisit or revise agreements with a play partner as needed. Perhaps a tighter boundary is needed in one area while a looser one may be indicated in another.

Mental Health Benefits of BDSM

Most people don’t engage in something if it has no benefit. For people who engage in BDSM, the benefits may be voluminous. From being one’s authentic self to connecting with a community of like-minded others, BDSM bears fruit.

Common benefits of BDSM include:

Increased Sexual Satisfaction

Research has shown that people who have engaged in BDSM activities report greater sexual satisfaction.⁵ This is likely related to being able to talk openly with a partner and having the opportunity to explore interests.

Reduced Stress

Especially for submissives, BDSM has been shown to reduce stress and activity in the prefrontal cortex. It has also been found to increase oxytocin,^2,4 which increases feelings of connection and serves as a buffer against stress – it’s a win-win!

Community Engagement

One study found that 84% of people who engaged in BDSM said that connecting with the community has helped them make friends.² Being able to acknowledge a historically oppressed or maligned identity is difficult, and supportive others can help. Events or play parties are common in the community and can serve to help newcomers explore in a safe and informed way.

Authentic Sexual Expression

Interest in BDSM activities can be present before the age of 15⁴ and before any sexual experimentation has occurred. Many people across the globe are simply drawn to these dynamics. Being authentic and accepting of one’s proclivities goes a long way in building and maintaining self-esteem.

Improved Sexual Communication

Talking about sex tends to make us better and more comfortable at talking about sex – go figure! Communicating sexual preferences to someone else requires there to be some understanding about them. Taking time to explore and know oneself allows for better communication with others.

Increased Openness to Explore

People tend to make judgments about things they don’t understand. Challenging stigma and biases around BDSM practices may open the door to exploring other avenues of sexual expression. Realizing that it isn’t as scary or painful as once assumed, and possibly even intensely pleasurable, invites a recalibration of other beliefs.

Tips for Practicing BDSM From a Sex Therapist

Sexuality is an essential part of life for most people. Taking time to explore sexual interests and desires can enhance pleasure, well-being, and connections. There’s no right or wrong way to explore as long as everyone involved is consenting and informed. Be open to consider things that may seem weird or different. After all, growth is change.

Here are some tips to help you explore BDSM:

• Do some research first: Check out books, blogs, or podcasts from people who are experienced at BDSM. See what sparks your interest or curiosity.
• Start slowly: Think about one or two things you might like and then think about what would be needed for you to feel comfortable trying it out.
• Practice safe words: Use them while cooking, out for a walk, or in casual conversation. Don’t expect to be able to use them in a high intensity scene if they’ve never been used before.
• Relax your judgment: BDSM is about embracing all parts of ourselves and allowing them to come out. Try not to worry about looking silly or not doing something right.
• Feel your feelings: People are sometimes surprised at the feelings that come up during BDSM experiences. As much as possible, allow them to be present and embrace them as part of the experience.
• Get guidance: Especially for a Dominant, there may be a lot of responsibility in BDSM and sensation or impact play. Connect with a community where there are opportunities to learn technique and scene management.
• Communicate: This is important before, during, and after. Be clear and open when setting boundaries and expectations, use safe words as needed, and talk again a few days after the experience. Check-in about what went well, what needs to be different, and what needs to never happen again.

How to Bring BDSM Up With a Therapist

Talking with a therapist may be a great option if you’re considering experimenting for the first time or want to further explore your experience. While a sex therapist is likely to have some training with BDSM/kink, it may not be guaranteed. Some therapists may be kink-friendly, meaning they won’t judge, but they may not have experience actually treating people.

Look for someone who is kink-aware (knows the terms and understands the community but may have less experience) or kink-knowledgeable (experienced working with the kink/BDSM community). Use an online therapist directory to find a therapist and before scheduling an appointment, ask openly about a provider’s experience, not just their values. Listen as they talk to see how comfortable they seem, and how comfortable you feel.

History of BDSM in Mental Health

Unfortunately, the mental health field has a long history of pathologizing normal aspects of human behavior. Anything that fell outside the prevailing and narrow definition of ‘normal’ was considered a mental illness. Thankfully, homosexuality was removed as a diagnosis several years ago, and other sexual identities and expressions will hopefully be following suit.

For any condition to be considered a diagnosis, there must be impairment or distress. In the latest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5), there has been a distinction between paraphilias and paraphilic disorders. People can have all types of sexual interests, and as long as it isn’t creating problems for them and isn’t infringing on the well-being of others, then there’s no diagnosis. Sexual sadism disorder and sexual masochistic disorder are only present when there is intense distress about the affinity or others’ autonomy and well-being have been violated in the pursuit of one’s interests.

BDSM Glossary

The world of BDSM has a rich vocabulary. From Aftercare to Vanilla, here are some important terms to know as you explore BDSM:

Aftercare: Emotional and physical care and support that’s offered when a scene is over. This is typically provided by a Dominant to a submissive.

Anal Training: Progressively stretching the anus in preparation for insertion of larger objects.

Bestiality: Sex with an animal.

Blood Play: Drawing blood during a scene or otherwise engaging with blood during play.

Bottom: Also called “submissive” – the person who takes orders and receives sensations.

Bottom Drop: A period of brief depression or malaise that a sub/bottom may experience after the scene; or a feeling of loneliness after the scene has ended.

Butt Plug: A small object that’s inserted into the anus, often with a flared base to prevent it from entering all the way into the rectum.

Camming: Sex via web connection where one or more parties are displayed in sexual engagement on webcam.

CBT: Cock and Ball Torture – any degree of impact or sensation pain is inflicted onto a man’s genitals.

Collar: A symbol of ownership over a sub/slave. It may be an actual collar or something representative, such as a necklace or bracelet.

Cuckholding: A practice in which a submissive man watches another man have sex with his wife.

Dom Drop or Top Drop: A decrease in adrenaline for a Dominant after a scene. May present as anger, depression, or general emotionality.

Dungeon: A location where BDSM play takes place. May be in a club or in someone’s home.

Exhibitionism: Putting one’s body or sex acts on display for others to see.

Fetish: An intense focus on an object, experience, or body part that has become connected to sexuality.

Pegging: The use of a strap-on to anally penetrate a man.

Play: An umbrella term to describe BDSM acts.

Play Party: A gathering where BDSM acts occur.

Safe Gesture: A physical cue or movement to indicate the need to stop.

Safe Word: A word to indicate when someone is nearing or has reached their limit and needs to stop.

Unicorn: A bisexual woman who is willing to engage in a MFF threesome, ideally with equal interest in both members of the couple.

Vanilla: Interest in conventional sex with little to no interest in BDSM or kink activities.

Voyeurism: Enjoying seeing others in a state of undress or engaging in sexual acts.

In My Experience

Kinksters do consent better than anyone. Engaging in BDSM is much more than tying someone up or asking to be called “Daddy”. It is an intentional and consensual exchange of power for the pleasure and benefit of all involved. Many people long for the freedom of expression this arrangement allows. However, it is imperative to do the work of talking openly and agreeing to boundaries in order to reap all the benefits.

I have seen BDSM engagement bring people out of their shells, help them heal from trauma, and lean into their pleasure in a way they had never experienced. I’ve also seen people try to recreate something they read in a terrible book (not naming names) without communicating with their partner, only to have disastrous results. Mainstream media doesn’t show the work that goes into establishing the psychological trust and safety that allows all those steamy sex scenes to happen. Don’t be fooled!

If you find yourself curious or intrigued by the idea of BDSM or other kink, give yourself permission to explore. Read books, watch movies, listen to podcasts, fantasize about what’s possible. Perhaps you’ll discover a whole new sexual world just waiting for you!