Covert Abuse: Signs, Effects, & How to Get Help

What Is Covert Abuse?

Covert abuse, also known as covert emotional abuse or psychological abuse, refers to a form of mistreatment and manipulation that may go unrecognized as it is not obvious. Unlike physical abuse, covert abuse may target a person’s emotions, self-esteem and well-being, which makes it difficult for those experiencing it to recognize and articulate the abuse.

Emotional abuse is an ongoing process in which one individual systematically diminishes and destroys the inner self of another. Emotional abuse is achieved as the abuser constantly belittles the essential ideas, feelings, perceptions, and personality characteristics of the victim.¹ Covert abuse refers to a form of damaging psychological or emotional abuse that is subtle, hidden, and often goes unnoticed by others. It is used by an individual to control, demean, or harm another person without direct confrontation or physical violence. Covert abusers use strategies such as gaslighting, silent treatment, passive-aggressiveness, and creating feelings of guilt to indirectly target the victim’s self-esteem, autonomy, and well-being.

Examples of Covert Abuse

The subtle nature of covert abuse makes it challenging for victims to identify toxic dynamics within their relationships. Perpetrators often use covert abuse tactics such as the silent treatment, passive-aggressive comments, or gaslighting, to establish control, manipulate emotions, and maintain authority. Recognizing these examples of covert abuse tactics is critical for those experiencing them to seek help and regain their well-being.

Examples of covert abuse include:

• Romantic Relationships: Covert abuse in romantic relationships involves tactics such as gaslighting, silent treatment, financial control, passive-aggressive behavior involving indirect insults, sarcasm or backhanded comments, financial control, and emotional blackmailing. The perpetrating partner maintains control while damaging the partner’s self-esteem.
• Parent-Child Relationships: Covert abuse in parent-child relationships occurs when the parent is overly critical, neglects a child’s emotional needs, provides conditional love only when the child meets the parent’s demands, and/or isolates and gaslights the child, affecting the child’s self-esteem, self-worth and emotional development.
• Workplace relationships: Covert abuse in workplace relationships occurs through subtle tactics such as manipulation, isolation, and undermining, where the abuser employs discreet methods to affect workplace confidence, hinder professional growth, and create a toxic work environment without overt confrontation. The behavior can involve gaslighting, microaggressions, and exploitation of power dynamics, making it challenging to identify and address.

What Does Covert Abuse Look Like?

Covert abuse is a subtle yet damaging form of manipulation that often goes unnoticed in relationships. Covert abuse operates discreetly, leaving victims with a sense of confusion and self-doubt as they navigate through a maze of psychological manipulation and subtle power dynamics.

Covert abuse often involves:

Isolation

Isolation is a strategic tool in covert abuse, designed to cut off victims from support networks and reinforce dependency on the abuser. This can take the form of exclusion from work-related activities, withholding crucial information, or subtly undermining relationships. The victim may feel increasingly alone, unsupported, and vulnerable to the psychological manipulation of the abuser.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a common tactic in covert abuse, where the abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their own perceptions, memories, and reality. Gaslighting phrases often manifest as subtle contradictions, denial of actions, or projecting blame onto the victim. The goal is to create confusion and self-doubt, leaving the victim questioning their sanity and making it challenging to confront the abuse.

Undermining Contributions

Covert abusers frequently undermine the victim’s contributions at work, diminishing the value of their ideas or accomplishments. This can involve not giving due credit, downplaying achievements, or attributing successes to others. Over time, this erodes the victim’s professional standing and self-esteem, creating an environment where their efforts seem consistently undervalued.

Withholding Information

A key element of covert abuse is the strategic withholding of crucial information. Abusers may selectively keep the victim out of the loop, hindering their ability to perform effectively or make informed decisions. This calculated exclusion not only undermines the victim’s professional competence but also fosters a sense of powerlessness and dependency on the abuser for critical knowledge.

Exploiting Power Dynamics

Covert abuse often thrives on exploiting existing power dynamics in the workplace or within relationships. If the abuser holds a position of authority, they may misuse their power to create a culture of fear or insecurity. This can include threats to job security, arbitrary decision-making, or manipulation of performance evaluations, contributing to a toxic and disempowering work environment.

Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation is a prevalent tactic in covert abuse, where abusers play on the victim’s emotions to control or influence their behavior. Emotional manipulation tactics can involve guilt-tripping, creating a false sense of obligation, or leveraging personal vulnerabilities. By exploiting the emotional connection between individuals, covert abusers aim to establish a sense of control and dependency, making it harder for victims to assert themselves or break free from the abusive dynamic.

Microaggressions

Microaggressions, subtle and often unintentional discriminatory remarks or behaviors, play a role in covert abuse. These may be based on gender, race, or other personal attributes. While each instance may seem minor, the cumulative effect can create a hostile work environment, fostering feelings of alienation and inadequacy. Covert abusers may use microaggressions as a means of asserting dominance and maintaining control while avoiding direct confrontation.

Signs of Covert Abuse

Recognizing covert abuse involves paying attention to subtle yet impactful signs. Watch for patterns of manipulation, isolation, and undermining, where your confidence is gradually eroded. Be wary of withheld information, exploitation of power dynamics, and emotional manipulation. If you sense a pervasive atmosphere of control, confusion, or isolation in your relationships, it’s crucial to trust your instincts and seek support.

Signs of covert abuse include:

• Constantly questioning oneself: feeling unsure about whether what they experienced actually happened
• Isolation: Feeling consistently excluded or alienated from colleagues and information.
• Gaslighting: Experiencing doubts about your perception, memory, or reality due to subtle manipulation.
• Undermining contributions: Your ideas or work accomplishments are consistently undervalued or credited to others.
• Withholding information: Being deliberately kept out of the loop, hinders your ability to perform effectively.
• Exploiting power dynamics: Experiencing threats to job security or manipulation of authority for control.
• Emotional manipulation: Feeling a sense of guilt, obligation, or dependency created by emotional exploitation.

What to Do If You Think You Are Experiencing Covert Abuse

If you suspect you’re facing covert abuse, trust your instincts and take proactive steps. Document instances of manipulation or isolation, and seek support from colleagues, friends, or family to gain perspective. Communicate assertively with the abuser, setting boundaries and expressing concerns. If the abuse takes place at work, consider reaching out to HR or a supervisor for guidance. Prioritize self-care and, if necessary, explore professional counseling to navigate the emotional toll. Addressing covert abuse involves recognizing it, asserting boundaries, and seeking the necessary support.

Here is what to do if you think you are experiencing covert abuse:

• Develop a safety plan: Creating a safety plan involves strategizing ways to protect yourself from the impact of covert abuse. Identify trusted individuals you can confide in. Establish boundaries and escape routes if necessary. Document instances of abuse and keep a record. By having a comprehensive safety plan, you empower yourself to navigate the situation with greater clarity and resilience.
• Seek mental health support: If you’re experiencing covert abuse, seeking mental health support is critical. Psychotherapy, especially modalities like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), can help you process the emotional toll and develop coping mechanisms. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your experiences, validate your feelings, and assist you in building resilience. Additionally, support groups or counseling services within your workplace may offer valuable assistance.
• Establish boundaries: Setting clear boundaries is essential when dealing with covert abuse. Clearly communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and assert your right to a respectful and safe work environment. Document instances where your boundaries are crossed. Having well-defined boundaries reinforces your self-worth and signals to the abuser that their tactics won’t go unchallenged.
• Document incidents: Keep a detailed record of incidents involving covert abuse. Include dates, times, locations, and descriptions of the abusive behavior. This documentation serves as tangible evidence if you need to escalate the issue to higher authorities or HR. It not only aids in addressing the current situation but can also be valuable if legal action becomes necessary.
• Confide in a trusted colleague: Identify a colleague you trust and confide in them about your experiences. This can provide emotional support and serve as a witness to covert abuse.
• Explore legal options: If the covert abuse persists, consult with a legal professional to understand your rights and explore potential legal avenues. Employment laws vary, but some jurisdictions offer protections against workplace harassment. Legal advice can guide you on the best course of action based on your specific circumstances.
• Engage with employee assistance programs: Many workplaces offer employee assistance programs (EAPs) that provide counseling services and support for employees facing personal or professional challenges. Explore the resources available through your EAP for confidential counseling or assistance in navigating workplace difficulties.
• Educate yourself on workplace policies: Familiarize yourself with your company’s policies on harassment and abuse. Understanding the procedures for reporting such incidents and the support mechanisms in place can empower you to take informed actions. If your workplace lacks clear policies, advocate for their implementation or improvement.
• Connect with external support networks: Look for external support networks, such as friends, family, or professional organizations. These external connections can strengthen your resilience and help you maintain a sense of balance.
• Consider changing workplaces: If the covert abuse persists despite your efforts, consider exploring alternative job opportunities or leaving the relationship in which you experience the abuse. Your mental health and well-being should be prioritized, and a toxic work environment or toxic relationship is not conducive to personal or professional growth.

How to Help Someone Who Is Experiencing Covert Abuse

There are many ways to help someone that you feel may be experiencing covert abuse.If you suspect an adult is experiencing covert abuse, approach them with empathy and openness. Listen without judgment, validate their feelings, and encourage them to share their experiences. Offer resources like counseling or helplines, and respect their autonomy in deciding how to address the situation. Be a consistent source of support, reinforcing that they deserve a safe and healthy environment.

When helping a child experiencing covert abuse, prioritize their safety. Report suspicions to child protective services or local authorities. Listen attentively and reassure the child that they are not at fault. Encourage open communication and involve professionals such as therapists or counselors. Advocate for the child’s needs and rights, collaborating with appropriate agencies to ensure their well-being.

Ways to help someone who is experiencing covert abuse include:

Do Not Demonize the Abuser

While it’s essential to acknowledge the harm caused, vilifying the abuser may cause the victim to feel guilty about harming the abuser’s reputation. Instead, focus on validating the victim’s feelings and experiences. Emphasize that abuse is about the abuser’s behavior, not the victim’s worth. Encourage a balanced perspective, allowing the victim to process their emotions without imposing judgment. This approach fosters a safe space for open communication and empowers the victim to make decisions about their situation.

Listen Without Judgment

Create a non-judgmental space for the victim to share their experiences. Active listening involves giving full attention, validating their feelings, and avoiding blame. Let them express themselves without interruptions, providing a supportive environment. Judgment-free listening builds trust and encourages the victim to open up, facilitating a deeper understanding of the covert abuse they’re facing. Validate their emotions, emphasizing that their feelings are valid and deserving of attention and support.

Encourage Professional Help

Suggest seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling, to provide the victim with expert guidance in navigating the complexities of covert abuse. Professional support through online therapy platforms or in-person therapy can offer coping strategies, empower the victim to set boundaries and address the emotional impact of the abuse. Encourage the victim to explore available resources, such as helplines or support groups, providing avenues for them to connect with others who have experienced similar situations.

Respect Autonomy

Respect the victim’s autonomy and empower them to make their own decisions regarding the next steps. Covert abuse often involves a loss of control, so it’s crucial to prioritize the victim’s agency in the decision-making process. Offer information and resources, but refrain from pressuring them into a specific course of action. This approach allows the victim to regain a sense of control over their life and choices.

Provide Resources

Offer information on available resources, such as helplines, support groups, or organizations specializing in assisting victims of covert abuse. Providing tangible resources helps the victim access additional support and information to make informed decisions about their situation. Ensure they are aware of the available options and encourage them to reach out for assistance when they feel ready.

Help Develop a Safety Plan

Assist the victim in developing a safety plan, which may include identifying safe spaces, establishing a communication code for emergencies, and documenting instances of abuse. A safety plan provides a structured approach to protect the victim emotionally and physically, allowing them to navigate challenging situations more effectively.

Be a Consistent Source of Support

Be a reliable and consistent source of support for the victim. Covert abuse often creates isolation, and having a dependable ally can make a significant difference. Regularly check in on their well-being, offer encouragement, and reinforce that they deserve a safe and healthy environment. Consistent support helps counteract the emotional impact of covert abuse and provides a foundation for the victim to build upon.

How to Find Professional Help

If you or someone you know is experiencing covert abuse and feels scared to seek help, it’s important to start with small, confidential steps. Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or colleague for emotional support. Online therapist directories or online therapy platforms offer accessible and discreet options. Researching therapists specializing in abuse through these platforms allows individuals to find professionals who align with their needs and comfort levels. Online therapy can be a valuable resource, offering a safe space to explore emotions and develop coping strategies from the privacy of their own environment.