15 Signs of Abusive Parents

15 Signs of Abusive Parents

Abusive parents often threaten their children to keep the abuse secret, preventing other people from stepping in. There is usually a cycle of abuse that occurs where there is a period of building tension, followed by an abusive act, and then a “honeymoon” period.³ During the honeymoon period, the abuser may be especially nice to the child in an effort to make up for what happened.

Here are fifteen signs of an abusive parent:

1. The Parent Physically Injures the Child

Parents who commit physical abuse are unable to control their anger and turn to violence, including hitting, kicking, or choking. Children may develop broken bones or bruises. Abusive parents often tell their children that they would lie if their injuries were ever questioned. Teachers, coaches, and pediatricians all play an important role in detecting physical abuse, since they may be the first ones to notice the signs.

2. The Parent Uses Violence as a Form of Punishment

The use of violence to punish a child is called corporal punishment. When a child displays negative behavior, these parents turn to physical action to show their disapproval. Studies on corporal punishment show that it is not an effective form of punishment and can be detrimental to children’s physical and emotional health.⁴

3. The Parent Consistently Makes Critical or Hurtful Comments

Verbal and emotional abuse is much harder to detect than physical abuse, but it can be just as harmful. An emotionally abusive parent may put down a child on a regular basis. For example, they may call the child “stupid” for getting a poor grade. In abusive families, these types of comments happen on a regular basis and leave a child feeling worthless.

4. The Parent Humiliates the Child in Front of Other People

An emotionally abusive mother or father may use shame and humiliation as a way to hurt their children. They may tell embarrassing stories or engage in name-calling in front of other people. This is typically done in front of the child’s peers, leaving them to feel embarrassed and hurt.

5. The Parent Is Sexually Inappropriate With the Child

Parents who engage in sexual behaviors with their children are committing abuse. The parent usually threatens the child to keep the abuse a secret. Sexual abuse can be hard to notice, but some children may display covert signs that it’s happening. For example, a child who is sexually abused may act out sexually with other children.

6. The Parent Exposes Their Child to Inappropriate Sexual Content

Showing children inappropriate sexual content is a form of sexual abuse. A perpetrator may become aroused by looking at or watching this content with children. This is just as much a form of pedophilia as touching or performing sexual acts with a child.

7. The Parent Treats Their Child Like a Romantic Partner

Emotional incest is a type of abuse in which a parent expects their child to take on the role of a romantic partner.⁵ They depend on them for emotional support, putting children in a difficult position since they aren’t equipped to fulfill this role. Parents who commit emotional incest may take their children on dates or share personal information about their sex lives.

8. The Parent Withholds Love

Emotionally abusive parents may withhold love and affection as a way to punish children or change their behavior. While children do need firm limits and discipline at times, punishing children by withholding love can hurt a child’s sense of self-worth, and childhood emotional neglect can have long-lasting ramifications.

9. The Parent Uses Manipulation to Get What They Want

Toxic parents can resort to manipulation to get what they want from their children. They may use parental gaslighting to further create doubt in a child’s mind. While any family dynamic can involve manipulation, it is especially common in divorced families.⁶ For example, one parent may try to alienate the child from the other parent during a divorce by speaking negatively of them. This is also referred to as parental alienation.

10. The Parent’s Anger Is Unpredictable

Abusive parents have trouble managing their anger and can have angry outbursts that may feel like they come out of nowhere. Children of abusive parents may describe feeling like they have to “walk on eggshells” to keep their parents from getting angry. This creates significant stress and anxiety for children, who feel constant pressure to be on their best behavior.

11. The Parent Withholds Basic Necessities

Neglect is also a type of abuse. Neglectful parents may withhold basic necessities, like food, water, or clothing, from children. This withholding can be used as a form of punishment. Children may become malnourished, dehydrated, and lack proper hygiene. Often this form of abuse is accompanied by other types, like physical and verbal abuse.

12. The Parent Targets Siblings Against One Another

“Choosing favorites” is another type of emotional abuse where parents may put one child on a pedestal. These parents may provide praise, love, and gifts to the idealized child and withhold these things from the devalued child. This can cause feelings of shame, inadequacy, and anger in the devalued child and significant tension or even abuse between the siblings.

13. The Parent Takes Financial Advantage of Their Child

Parents may financially abuse children who earn their own money. Many famous cases of this involve children who grew up working in the entertainment industry. Parents may claim to have a separate bank account for the child, but actually keep the money for themselves. When children are old enough to access their accounts, they may find that their money is missing.

14. They Control Their Child’s Behavior

Controlling parents attempt to monitor their child’s every move, even as they get older and are ready for more independence and autonomy. They may forbid play dates or demand that a child continue an activity or sport despite wanting to stop, or engage in academic abuse in older children. This is a form of emotional abuse that limits children’s abilities to live freely and develop important skills as they age.

15. The Parent Uses Religion to Control a Child

Religion and spirituality can serve an important and healthy function in families by providing beliefs and values to live by. However, in some rare cases, religion may be used in a harmful way and may be considered spiritual abuse. For example, some religious groups have used their beliefs to justify sexual and other forms of abuse toward children.