OCPD & Relationships: Making the Most of a Challenging Situation

What Is OCPD?

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a pervasive and enduring psychological condition in which the individual feels a great need for perfection, order, and control.⁵ They may become rigid and stubborn about planning, schedules, and rules, sometimes getting lost in details and forgetting the intention of projects.⁶ These tendencies can become worse when pressures mount and one’s anxiety increases.

Not everyone with OCPD is the same and the severity of traits can vary greatly. Depending on the most prevalent symptoms, one may be domineering, a workaholic, overly eager to please, or a procrastinator.⁷ A domineering OCPD spouse usually presents the greatest difficulties in relationships. However, workaholics are often unavailable and procrastinators don’t meet their responsibilities which can also pose unique challenges.

People who have OCPD may also have other conditions such as depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), hoarding disorder, or an eating disorder that may make life more problematic for themselves and their partner.

OCPD Vs. OCD

OCPD is different from OCD in the sense that OCPD is a personality disorder, and affects the entire personality. OCD is an anxiety disorder characterized by the presence of specific obsessions, such as intrusive thoughts and unrealistic worries, and specific compulsions, such as excessive hand-washing and frequent checking.

In some cases, OCD may keep an individual from functioning enough to work or maintain relationships. However, it usually impacts only particular aspects of one’s life. While both conditions can be treated with therapy, many symptoms of OCD will also be treated with medication. Conversely, there are no medication interventions specifically for OCPD.

OCPD & Relationships

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is a serious illness that can devastate relationships and have a negative impact on the well-being of the non-OCPD partner. Spouses with OCPD may be particularly difficult to live with because their excessive need for control and order affects the lives of those around them so directly. If the couple has children, these problems are magnified.

Since people with OCPD have been preoccupied with accomplishing tasks for most of their lives, they have little awareness of their feelings, other than the frustration and irritation they experience when they are unable to control a situation. This makes it difficult for them to be aware of their own emotions and communicate them to their partner. It also means they are sometimes unable to understand the feelings of others and may appear to be indifferent to their partner’s needs.

Marriage & OCPD

Many people enter relationships with partners who have OCPD without realizing that the other person has OCPD. In fact, the potential partner may seem like a great find because they work hard and are honest or conscientious. However, with time it becomes apparent that they are workaholics, hyper-critical, and demanding.

We all put our best foot forward in relationships at first and our darker side only comes out with time. But, even a relatively healthy person with OCPD may become more rigid, frugal, and controlling once they feel a responsibility to provide for a growing family. Children and a mortgage may raise their anxiety and bring on symptoms that weren’t there before.

OCPD & Divorce

Research regarding divorce and OCPD is scant. However, one study found that while people with some personality disorders are much more likely to get divorced, OCPD was actually negatively related to divorce. In a sample of individuals between the age of 55-64, people with OCPD were less likely to divorce a partner than average.⁹ Their typical tenacity may lend itself to sustaining a marriage, even if it is troubled. One thing to keep in mind is that people with OCPD are capable of change. While they may meet the diagnostic criteria for OCPD today, they may not in the future.¹⁰

How Does OCPD Affect Relationships?

Many with OCPD can struggle with romantic relationships as their symptoms may create a situation where both partners’ anxieties become exaggerated and they become afraid to be close to the other. A downward spiral of mutually reinforcing negativity may ensue.

Potential OCPD relationship problems may include:

Anxiety Leading to Control

An OCPD partner, out of fear of things going wrong, tries to control what happens in the relationship and how their partner behaves. They may make comments or demands about how to cook and dress, what to eat or say, or how to make love. While the intention of the partner with OCPD is intended to be helpful, it often feels anything but for the other person. Unfortunately, the OCPD person is often unaware of the effect that this has on their partner.

Too Much Time At Work May Lead To Neglect

Some OCPD partners end up spending inordinate amounts of time at work and abandoning their partners. It is understandable that the non-compulsive partner would interpret this as their partner not caring about them or enjoying time spent together. However, there could be many other reasons for this, like an actual addiction to work or workaholism.

Another possible reason is that the compulsive partner has a fear of failure not only at work but, more importantly, in the relationship. Since relationships don’t come naturally, their perfection may lead them to focus on work because they have more self-assurance that they can succeed there.

Control Discourages Vulnerability

Both partners may stop being vulnerable in the relationship, often leading to a dry, lifeless, and unfulfilling partnership. The OCPD partner may be reluctant to show any vulnerability from the beginning, as they seem to imagine that people want them to be “perfect.” This presentation, along with frequent commands and demands, may end up leaving the non-compulsive partner afraid to express their real feelings and needs for fear of being criticized.

Any insecurities on the part of the non-OCPD partner may be activated by this need to feel perfect, leading them to feel even more dependent on someone who is not affectionate or supportive. If they do not have a support network, the effect is even worse. Alternatively, the non-OCPD partner may also begin to distance themselves from their partner for fear of being emotionally dependent on someone who is critical or unavailable.

Unhealthy Division of Labor

When one partner has OCPD, both partners may fall into an unhealthy division of labor in terms of chores and emotions. If the OCPD partner takes responsibility for all the organizing, cleaning, planning, and accounting, they may become even more machine-like, counting pennies, minutes, and rule infractions. They typically feel a great deal of responsibility and are usually frightened of making a mistake.

Some individuals with OCPD, in their efforts to do the right thing, may be compliant but later resent that compliance, possibly becoming passive-aggressive or exploding in anger. They may not develop the capacity for leisure, humor, play, and other less serious activities if they feel they can’t afford to loosen up because of their responsibilities.

On the other hand, if the non-OCPD partner is put into the position of the one who displays affection without the option to achieve in the relationship, they may fail to develop their own gifts and personality. If they begin to believe that they are incompetent, they may be less likely to take the risks that are essential to lead a full life.

Why Understanding OCPD Is Important for Partners

Loving someone with OCPD can be difficult, but misunderstanding a partner with OCPD can make a challenging situation worse. Their behavior results from a combination of misguided good intentions and anxiety about being good enough as a person. While people with OCPD may appear to be confident and in control, they are usually deeply insecure. This is what leads to their need to be perfect.

While an OCPD spouse’s behavior may appear to be driven by self-interest, disrespect, or indifference, their motivations are actually much different. If the non-compulsive partner interprets their partner’s actions as being demeaning, they may miss not only their positive motivations but also their partner’s underlying anxiety. They will feel unloved and hurt, which may further frustrate the OCPD partner who begins to feel unappreciated.

Improving Your Relationship With Your OCPD Partner

Perspective, communication, and self-care are three of the most important tools in improving your OCPD relationship issues. Any one of the three alone will probably not be sufficient, but together may be able to shift the balance toward a more healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Change Your Perspective

How you view your compulsive partner can affect your experience of them and how they respond to you. If all you see is their control and rigidity, you may be missing their efforts to be helpful and their underlying anxiety that leads to their focus on making everything perfect. Recognizing what they do bring to the relationship may improve your mood and have a positive effect on your partner.

This is not to say that any abuse perpetrated by the OCPD partner should be tolerated. It should be named and, if necessary, protective measures should be taken. While people with OCPD usually do not become violent, they may explode on occasion.

Communication

Partners with OCPD are usually so focused on finishing projects that they overlook what others need from them. They may assume that their partner would appreciate the same things that they do, like getting tasks done, rather than gestures of physical and verbal affection. Compulsive partners are usually not skilled at expressing their love and some are not good at picking up social cues, so they need their spouses to communicate exactly what is expected of them.¹¹

As with any couple, using “I” statements to communicate is essential. Arguments can go on forever if both partners try to prove what is objectively right, rather than how they feel and what they need. This is especially true when fighting with an OCPD spouse. Tell your compulsive partner what they do well. This not only encourages them to do these things more often, but it may also lower their anxiety and enable them to be a little more vulnerable and communicative about what they feel.

Because OCPD partners feel a need to be right and good, they can be defensive if they feel accused of not being virtuous. They may interpret requests or suggestions as global statements about who they are, rather than something specific that they have done. This can lead to shame, defensiveness, and counter-attacks. Be very clear that your suggestions are about what they have done, not who they are.

Self-Care

One danger in trying to work out in an OCPD marriage is that you lose your own self in the process. Strong, independent partners make good relationships.

Some ideas for developing a self-care routine include:

• Setting reasonable boundaries: No matter how good the intentions of the OCPD partner may be, hurtful behavior should not be tolerated. The non-OCPD partner should not be expected to meet the perfectionist expectations of their partner. It is important to set boundaries in the relationship and limits on what your partner can tell you to do.
• Exploring self-development: If you pursue your own interests and ambitions, the compulsive partner may feel less responsibility to direct you. On the other hand, if it makes the compulsive partner more anxious for you to grow and develop, you’re in a situation that would benefit from couples therapy.
• Building a support system: Living with an OCPD partner may make you doubt your own instincts about what is appropriate and what is not. Having close friends and family to give you reality checks can be vital.

Getting Help for Your OCPD Partner

Because they are usually convinced of the virtue of their approach to life, people with OCPD are often reluctant to enter psychotherapy and usually don’t pursue it on their own. But if they become aware of how they hurt their partner, they may become willing to seek treatment for OCPD. It may also be helpful to point out how they hurt themselves and deny their own well-being. Research has shown that individuals with OCPD are quite vulnerable to depression, which may not be evident if they mask it with work and other projects.¹² Still, it should be clear to both partners that attending therapy is not a matter of weakness, but rather of their being too strong or too driven for anyone’s good.

While some compulsives will dismiss the possibility of their having OCPD, others seem to have an “AHA” moment. This can help them become willing to work on themselves in therapy. If their determination and conscientiousness can be harnessed for their psychological development and balance, psychotherapy can be quite helpful.

Finding the right therapist who specializes in OCPD for individual therapy or couples counseling can sometimes be difficult. If you would like help finding the right therapist, you can start the search on your own with an online therapist directory.

Individual Therapy

There is evidence that both cognitive behavioral (CBT) and psychodynamic therapy approaches can be effective in treating OCPD. The primary question is what type of therapy will be a good fit for the individual. Some prefer the structure and focus of CBT (or radically open DBT, which is an offshoot of CBT), while others may appreciate the greater freedom of psychodynamic approaches.

Individual therapy may also be helpful for the partner of someone with OCPD so they have a safe place to process and develop their own healthy coping mechanisms in the relationship.

Couples Counseling

Some individuals with OCPD feel more comfortable going to couples counseling than to individual therapy. Both modes have their benefits, and couples counseling can be incredibly effective. But if you, as the non-compulsive partner, do go to therapy with them, don’t expect it to be all about fixing what is wrong with your partner. Your own tendencies may trigger your partner in some way and the therapist will probably ask you to make changes as well.

Regardless of what type of therapy you seek, don’t expect quick fixes. Personality disorders are known to be difficult to treat, and they take time for real change to occur. There may be some initial improvement in behavior after a few months, but deeper changes, such as a better connection with their emotions and a capacity to express them, may take years.

Cost of Therapy

It’s best to plan for an extended time in therapy at a sustainable price rather than having to discontinue abruptly for financial reasons. Fees for clinicians in private practice can range from $60 per 45-50 minute session, if given a reduced fee using a sliding scale, to $250+ for a full fee. If your insurance does not cover therapy and you are unable to pay out-of-pocket, you may consider attending a clinic or finding an online couples counseling service. The cost of couples counseling is not typically covered by insurance, so expect to pay out of pocket if you choose that route.