Partners with OCPD (obsessive-compulsive personality disorder) can be a curse or a blessing. They can be rigid, controlling, and critical.1 But they can also be dependable, hardworking, and conscientious.2,3 Usually, people with full-blown OCPD present great challenges to a relationship.4 The non-compulsive partner can only do so much to improve the situation, but that limited amount can still make a significant difference.
Sometimes it isn’t possible to improve a relationship with an OCPD spouse because many people with the condition are convinced that their way of living is superior, and are not open to change.1 But some are willing to change and enlist their obsessive-compulsive determination in improving their role as a partner.
What Is OCPD?
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is a pervasive and enduring psychological condition in which the individual feels a great need for perfection, order, and control.5 He or she may become rigid and stubborn about planning, schedules, and rules.They get lost in details and forget the original intention of their projects.6 These tendencies get worse when pressures mount and their anxiety increases.
Not everyone with OCPD is the same. The severity of traits can vary widely. Depending on the symptoms that are most prevalent, some people with the disorder are more domineering, some are workaholics; some are overly eager to please, and some procrastinate.7 A domineering OCPD spouse usually presents the greatest difficulties in relationships, though workaholics, because they are unavailable, and procrastinators, because they don’t meet their responsibilities, may also cause distress in relationships.
OCPD & Co-Occurring Disorders
While OCPD is not well-known as a condition, it’s actually relatively common (2-8% of the population may have it). Because of this, people who have OCPD may also have other conditions such as depression, OCD, hoarding disorder, or an eating disorder that may make life more difficult for themselves and their partner.
OCPD vs. OCD
OCPD is different from the more well-known OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder).8 OCPD is a personality disorder, and therefore affects the entire personality. OCD is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by the presence of specific obsessions such as intrusive thoughts and unrealistic worries, and specific compulsions, such as excessive hand-washing and frequent checking to make sure that doors are locked.
In some cases OCD may keep the individual from functioning enough to work or maintain relationships. However, it usually affects only particular aspects of his or her life rather than their entire personality, as does OCPD. While both conditions can be treated with therapy, many symptoms of OCD will also be treated with medication. There are not any medication interventions for OCPD.
Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder & Relationships
OCPD is a serious illness that can devastate relationships, and can have a negative impact on the well-being of the non-OCPD partner. Spouses with OCPD may be particularly difficult to live with because their excessive need for control and order affects the lives of those around them so directly. If the couple has children the problems are magnified.
Since people with OCPD have been so preoccupied with accomplishing tasks for most of their lives, they have little awareness of their feelings, other than the frustration and irritation they experience when they are unable to control a situation. This makes it difficult for them to be aware of their own emotions and communicate them to their partner. It also makes it more difficult for them to understand the feelings of others. They may appear to be indifferent to the needs of others.
Marriage & OCPD
Many people enter relationships with partners who have OCPD without realizing that the other person has OCPD. In fact, the potential partner may seem like a great find because they work hard and are honest and conscientious. But with time it also becomes apparent that they are a workaholic, critical, and demanding. We all put our best foot forward in relationships at first and our darker side only comes out with time. This is true of people with OCPD as well.
But even a relatively healthy compulsive may become more rigid, frugal and controlling once they feel responsibility to provide for a growing family. Children and a mortgage may raise their anxiety and bring on symptoms that weren’t there before.
OCPD & Divorce
Research regarding divorce and OCPD is scant. However, one study found that while people with some personality disorders are much more likely to get divorced, OCPD was actually negatively related to divorce. In a sample of people aging in range from 55-64, people with OCPD were less likely to divorce than average.9 Their typical tenacity may lend itself to sustaining a marriage, even if it is troubled.
One thing to keep in mind is that people with OCPD are capable of change, and while they may meet the diagnostic criteria for OCPD today, they may not two years later.10
How Does OCPD Affect Relationships?
While many with OCPD may have healthy relationships with their colleagues or subordinates in a work setting, they can struggle with romantic relationships. OCPD affects these relationships by creating a situation where both partners’ anxieties become exaggerated, and both become afraid to be close to the other. A downward spiral of mutually reinforcing negativity may ensue.
Potential OCPD relationship problems may include:
Anxiety Leading to Control
The compulsive partner, out of a fear of things going wrong, tries to control what happens in the relationship, and to control how the non-compulsive partner behaves. They may make comments or demands about how to cook, how to dress, what to eat, what to say, and how to make love.
While the intention of the compulsive partner is usually to be helpful, it often feels anything but helpful for the other person. The compulsive partner is often unaware of the effect that this has on their partner.
Too Much Time At Work May Lead To Neglect
Some compulsives end up spending inordinate amounts of time at work and abandoning their partner. It is understandable that the non-compulsive partner would interpret this to mean that the compulsive partner doesn’t care about them or doesn’t enjoy being with them. However, there could be many other reasons for this, like an actual addiction to work, complete with the feedback loop of pleasure centers in the brain being activated.
Another possible reason is that the compulsive partner has a fear of failure not only at work, but more importantly, in the relationship. Since relationships don’t come naturally, their perfection may lead them to focus on work because they have more control, and more self-assurance that they can succeed there.
Control Discourages Vulnerability
Both partners may stop being vulnerable in the relationship, often leading to a dry, lifeless, and unfulfilling partnership. The compulsive partner may be reluctant to show any vulnerability from the beginning, as they seem to imagine that people want them to be “perfect.” But this presentation, along with frequent commands and demands, may end up leaving the non-compulsive partner afraid to express their real feelings and needs for fear of being criticized or humiliated.
Any insecurities on the part of the non-compulsive partner may be activated by this need to feel perfect, leading them to feel even more dependent on someone who is not affectionate or supportive. If they do not have a support network, the effect is even worse. Alternatively, the non-OCPD partner may also begin to distance themselves from their partner for fear of being emotionally dependent on someone that is critical or unavailable.
Unhealthy Division of Labor Limits Both Partners
When one partner has OCPD, both partners may fall into an unhealthy division of labor, in terms of chores and emotions. If the compulsive partner takes responsibility for all the organizing, cleaning, planning and accounting, they may become even more machine-like, counting pennies, minutes, and rule infractions. They typically feel a great deal of responsibility, and are usually very frightened of getting something wrong or making a mistake.
Some compulsives, in their efforts to do the right thing, may be very compliant, but later resent that compliance, possibly becoming passive-aggressive or exploding in anger. And perhaps worse, they may not develop the capacity for leisure, humor, play and other less serious activities if they feel they can’t afford to loosen up because of the responsibility they carry.
On the other hand, if the non-compulsive partner is put into the position of the one who has to carry all of the emotions and affection, and none of the accomplishments in the relationship, they may fail to develop their own gifts and personality. If the non-compulsive partner begins to believe that they are incompetent, they may be less likely to take the risks that are essential to a full life.
Why Understanding OCPD Is Important for Partners
Loving someone with OCPD can be difficult, but misunderstanding a partner with OCPD can make a challenging situation worse. Their behavior results from a combination of misguided good intentions and anxiety about being good enough as a person. While people with OCPD may appear to be confident and in control, they are usually deeply insecure underneath. This is what leads to their need to be perfect.
While an OCPD spouse’s behavior may appear to be driven by self-interest, disrespect or indifference, their motivations are actually much different.
If the non-compulsive partner interprets their partner’s actions as being demeaning, they may miss not only their positive motivations, but also their partner’s underlying anxiety. The non-compulsive partner will feel unloved and hurt, which may further frustrate the OCPD partner who is desperate to do the right thing, and begins to feel unappreciated.
Improving Your Relationship With Your OCPD Partner
Perspective, communication, and self-care are three of the most important tools in improving your OCPD relationship issues. Any one of the three alone will probably not be sufficient, but the three together may be able to shift the balance toward a more healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Perspective
How you view your compulsive partner can affect your experience of them and how they respond to you. If all you see is their control and rigidity, you may be missing two important issues underneath: their efforts to be helpful, and their underlying anxiety about getting in trouble that leads to their efforts to make everything perfect. Recognizing what they do bring to the relationship may improve your mood and have a positive effect on your partner.
This is not to say that any abuse perpetrated by the compulsive partner should be tolerated. It should be named and, if necessary, protective measures should be taken. While people with OCPD usually do not become violent, they may explode on occasion.
Communication
Compulsives are usually so focused on finishing projects that they overlook what their partners actually need from them. They may assume they know, and they may assume that their partner would appreciate the same things that they do, like getting tasks done, rather than gestures of physical and verbal affection.
Compulsive partners are usually not skilled at expressing their love, and some are not good at picking up social cues, so they need their spouses to communicate with them exactly what is expected of them.11
As with any couple, using “I” statements to communicate needs is essential. Arguments can go on forever if both partners try to prove what is objectively right, rather than how they feel and what they need. This is especially true when fighting with an OCPD spouse. Tell your compulsive partner what they do well. This not only encourages them to do these things more often, it may also lower their anxiety and enable them to be a little more vulnerable and to communicate more of what they feel.
Because compulsive partners feel such a need to be right and good, they can be defensive if they feel accused of not being virtuous. They may interpret requests or suggestions as global statements about who they are, rather than something specific that they have done. This can lead to shame, defensiveness, and counter-attack. Be very clear that your suggestions are about what they have done, not who they are.
Self-Care
One danger in trying to work out in an OCPD marriage is that you lose your own self in the process. Strong, independent partners make good relationships.
Some ideas for developing a self-care routine include:
- Setting reasonable boundaries: No matter how good the intentions of the OCPD partner may be, hurtful behavior should not be tolerated. The non-OCPD partner should not be expected to meet the perfectionist expectations of their partner. It is important to set boundaries and limits on what your partner can tell you to do.
- Exploring self-development: If you pursue your own interests and ambitions, the compulsive partner may feel less responsibility to direct you. If, on the other hand, it makes the compulsive partner more anxious for you to grow and develop, you’re in a situation which would benefit from couples therapy.
- Building an OCPD spouse support system: Living with someone with OCPD may make you doubt your own instincts about what is appropriate and what is not. Having close friends and family to give you reality checks can be vital.
Getting Help for Your OCPD Partner
Because they are usually convinced of the virtue of their approach to life, people with OCPD are often reluctant to enter psychotherapy, and usually don’t pursue it on their own. But if they become aware of how they hurt their partner they may become willing to seek treatment for OCPD.
It may also be helpful to point out how they hurt themselves and deny their own well-being. Research has shown that individuals with OCPD are quite vulnerable to depression,12 which may not be evident if they mask it with work and other projects. Still, it should be clear to both partners that attending therapy is not a matter of weakness, but rather of their being too strong or too driven for anyone’s good.
While some compulsives will dismiss the possibility of their having OCPD, others seem to have an “AHA” moment and become willing to work on themselves in therapy when told that they have a psychological condition. If their determination and conscientiousness can be harnessed for their psychological development and balance, psychotherapy can be quite helpful.
Individual Therapy
There is evidence that both cognitive behavioral (CBT) and psychodynamic therapy approaches can be effective. The primary question is what type of therapy will be a good fit for the individual. Some prefer the structure and focus of CBT (or radically open DBT, which is an offshoot of CBT), while others may appreciate the greater freedom of psychodynamic approaches.
Individual therapy may also be helpful for the partner of someone with OCPD, so that they have a safe place to process and develop their own healthy coping mechanisms in the relationship.
Couples Counseling
Some individuals with OCPD feel more comfortable going to couples counseling than to individual therapy. Both modes have their benefits, and couples counseling can be incredibly effective. But if you, as the non-compulsive partner, do go to therapy with them, don’t expect it to be all about fixing what is wrong with your partner. Your own tendencies may trigger your partner in some way, and the therapist will probably ask you to make changes as well.
Regardless of what type of therapy you seek, don’t expect quick fixes. Personality disorders are known to be difficult to treat, and they take time for real change to occur. There may be some initial improvement in behavior after a few months, but deeper change, such as a better connection with their emotions, and an improved capacity to express them, may take years.
Cost of Therapy
It’s best to plan for an extended time in therapy at a sustainable price rather than having to discontinue abruptly for financial reasons. Fees for clinicians in private practice can range from $60 per 45-50 minute session if given a reduced fee using a sliding scale, to $250+ for a full fee in more urban areas. If your insurance does not cover therapy and you are unable to pay out-of-pocket, you may consider attending a clinic or finding an online couples counseling service. The cost of couples counseling is not typically covered by insurance, so expect to pay out of pocket if you choose that route.
How to Find a Therapist
Finding a therapist that specializes in OCPD for individual therapy or couples counseling can sometimes be difficult. If you would like help finding the right therapist, you can start the search on your own with an online therapist directory.
For Further Reading
While there is currently limited research, support, and understanding of the condition,13 the costs of OCPD are becoming increasingly identified, and many more individuals are coming to recognize the conditions in themselves and their partners.
See the following sources for more information on OCPD:
OCPD and Relationships Infographics
