Does Marriage Counseling Work?

What Is Marriage Counseling?

Marriage or couples counseling is a type of therapy designed for married or partnered couples who are looking to work through chronic or acute issues in their relationship. This could range from lifestyle changes, communication, behaviors, and life transitions. It helps couples understand why things may have happened the way they did, see and hear each perspective, and find a way to come together to manage issues as a couple. It’s important that, for marriage counseling to work, both people must show up to do the work required.

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Research shows that marriage counseling works for the majority of couples. Most couples report significant improvement in their relationships, with results persisting at two year follow-up interviews.^1,2 However, there are couples who learn from marriage counseling that their relationship is unhealthy for one or both of them. In those instances, the therapy process may lead to discernment counseling or divorce counseling.

Multiple factors can influence the outcome of marriage counseling, including:

• Timing: The longer a couple waits to seek help, the more established their communication problems have become, resulting in more emotional damage
• Motivation: If either person is ambivalent about saving the relationship or has already decided to leave, they are unlikely to have success as a couple
• Whether there is any violence, abuse, or substance abuse by either person: In these circumstances, a referral may be needed for more specific treatment like an anger management or addiction recovery program

How Effective Is Marriage Counseling?

There is abundant research on the effectiveness of marriage counseling, particularly in relation to emotionally-focused couples therapy (EFT) or integrative behavioral couples therapy (IBCT). A third model of couples therapy, the Gottman Method, has fewer outcome studies.

Here are several statistics on the effectiveness of marriage counseling:

• 70% of couples experienced positive changes and reduced distress, according to a review of the outcome studies of couples therapy from 1991 to 2011⁴
• 93% of couples reported having “more effective tools for dealing with their problems,” according to research done by the Association of Marriage and Family Therapists⁵
• 90% of couples reported significant improvement in their relationships after participating in emotionally-focused therapy for couples¹
• 70-73% of couples reported relief from their marital distress within 12 sessions of emotionally-focused therapy for couples¹

What Is the Purpose of Marriage Counseling?

General goals of couples counseling include changing the patterns of interaction between two individuals, building a stronger emotional connection, and improving communication skills. According to relationship expert John Gottman, every couple will have problems that aren’t solvable, but successful couples are able to stay connected and talk through problems. They avoid becoming defensive or critical; instead, they show interest, affection, and respect throughout arguments.³

Here are several changes that can result from couples or marriage therapy:

• Improved ability to understand and empathize with each other
• Improved active listening skills
• Using new tools to resolve conflict, such as taking a brief time-out
• Building a stronger friendship through enjoying activities together
• Building a more secure emotional attachment
• Rebuilding trust in the relationship
• Recognizing common arguments in order to address them in new ways
• Recovering from prior hurtful events in the relationship
• Learning to avoid destructive ways of communicating, such as criticism and defensiveness
• Honoring each other’s dreams for the future
• Improved ability to parent as a team
• Reduced frequency of complaints

Who Might Want to Find a Marriage Counselor?

Most often, behavioral signs indicate a need for marriage counseling. However, circumstances associated with a high risk of distress include getting married at an early age, having limited financial resources, and having an interfaith marriage. If either person has a parent who divorced, the risk of separation is also higher.

Reasons to Seek Marriage Counseling

Reasons to seek marriage counseling include frequent criticism of each other, general defensiveness, emotional withdrawal, or any feelings of resentment.

Here are signs that may indicate a need for marriage counseling:

• Frequent criticism of each other
• A lot of defensive responses to comments or complaints
• Emotional withdrawal or a sense of being distant and disengaged
• Feelings of resentment, contempt, or anger that arise frequently
• Poor communication and frequent misunderstandings
• Any form of abuse (emotional, physical, verbal)
• Any addictive behaviors (substances, gambling, pornography)
• Infidelity or other serious violation of trust

What If My Partner Doesn’t Want to Go?

It can be hard when you feel like you want and need to go to couples therapy but your partner is not interested in it. It’s important to still share your viewpoint and try to come to a middle ground of trying it out. At the least, it can be helpful to go and find your own therapist so your partner can see that it can be OK to seek outside help.

Types of Marriage Counseling

There are many different types of marriage counseling with different modalities. It is important to talk about your goals of therapy and issues with your marriage counselor to learn together what modality may be a good fit for your marriage.

• Emotionally-focused Therapy (EFT): EFT is based on attachment theory and building healthy adult attachment by dismantling intense negative emotions.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT focuses on thoughts and behaviors of partners and helps to uncover and understand why behaviors happen the way they do and how to change the behaviors.
• The Gottman Method: Gottman Method focuses on building friendship, resolving conflict, setting intentions and minimizing the frequency of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
• Positive Psychology Therapy: Positive Psychology therapy aims to help couples recognize their own strengths and skills and find ways to access these skills.
• Solution Focused Therapy (SFT): SFT helps couples figure out their own goals and solutions for their problems with the therapist as a facilitator.
• Integrative behavioral Couples Therapy (IBCT): IBCT focuses on emotional acceptance by way of a therapist helping to give new perspective on a couple’s problems and helping them learn ways to accept what is and focus on long term concrete change.

How Does Marriage Counseling Work?

What to expect from your counseling sessions will depend upon the methods and theories that your therapist uses. That said, most marriage counselors will prefer to meet both members of the couple together at the initial session, which will probably last at least one hour (sometimes lasting 90 minutes for a more thorough assessment).

Following the first session, some therapists will ask to meet with each person separately for one to three sessions to gain a better understanding of their unique background and issues. Other therapists will continue to hold each session with both partners. After the evaluation phase, common goals will be set based on the needs of the couple and the approach of the therapist.

What Happens Outside of a Session?

Generally, counselors may suggest exercises, worksheets, bibliotherapy, practicing skills learned in therapy, and outside discussions amongst partners in between sessions. This may depend on the type of treatment approach being used, if it’s suitable for the couple’s particular needs, where they are in the therapeutic process, and openness from the couple. Nevertheless, mental health experts including marriage counselors may find that encouraging and guiding couples to engage outside of sessions will enhance therapy, improve the problem at hand, and lend overall better results.

How to Prepare for Couples Counseling

Once you’ve chosen a counselor, you can prepare for couples counseling by communicating openly with your partner about your goals, and be sure to go in with an open mind.

Do Marriage Counselors Recommend Divorce?

Marriage counselors will typically not recommend divorce or pass on any other personal opinions about your relationship. They will help you to explore each of your needs and help you find out if your needs can be fulfilled in this relationship, how that might look, and what it may take to get there. Marriage counselors may recommend practices around setting boundaries in the relationship to ensure both partners feel they have the space they need to individually process emotions and encourage healthy ways of managing marriage stress and issues.

How Much Does Marriage Counseling Cost?

The cost of marriage counseling can vary widely depending on a number of factors like the type of counselor (experience, specialties, education), duration of sessions, overall length of therapy, where you live, if you have health insurance coverage, and so on. However, you can expect to pay approximately $100 per session with the range being roughly around $75 to $250 without insurance.

Before scheduling a session, it is best that you do a little research. For example, if you have health insurance, find out if marriage counseling is covered and which providers are within the network. If you don’t have insurance coverage, contact the therapist you’ve chosen and ask if they have payment plans or offer services on a sliding scale.

How Long Does It Take for Marriage Counseling to Work?

The median length of marriage counseling across different models is 12 sessions, according to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.⁶ The length of couples counseling using EFT ranges from eight to 20 sessions (roughly two months to five months).⁷ Problems that have continued over several years will take longer to manage than short-term or situational challenges.

The time required for couples counseling depends on the model being used, the specific needs of the couple, the goals set by the couple, and other variables. When the needs of the couple involve management of individual problems, more time will be required to make progress.

For example, if either partner is coping with anxiety, depression, or substance abuse, treatment will generally take longer. Both partner’s willingness to commit to weekly sessions and learning new habits will also affect the time required.

Do You Need Marriage Counseling?

In general, any couple can benefit from marriage counseling to strengthen or fine tune their relationship. However, there may be certain issues too difficult to ignore where seeking marriage counseling is the best course of action.

Here are some signs that you might want to go to marriage counseling:

• Frequent debilitating arguments and complaints
• Persistent criticism or disrespect from one or both members
• An overall sense of emptiness or disconnection
• Increasing and intense feelings of anger, resentment, or animosity
• Infidelity or other serious violations of trust or mutually established agreements
• Presence of any addictive or destructive behaviors (substances, gambling, pornography)
• An ongoing pattern of abuse including but not limited to physical, emotional, psychological, verbal, or financial abuse or coercion
• Strong disagreements regarding sensitive issues (children, finances, religion, etc.)

Can We Go to Marriage Counseling Without Having a “Crisis”?

Even the healthiest relationships can be strengthened and improved by going to marriage counseling. A couple doesn’t need to wait to hit rock bottom in order to seek marriage counseling. There can be an array of reasons why couples may opt to enter therapy. Some may need an extra layer of support if they are dealing with a life-altering event (like an empty nest, moving, or death of a family member) or a partner’s mental or physical health condition. Others may want to engage in marriage counseling to learn how to better communicate, deepen their connection, or if there’s a specific concern that may be best addressed in a therapeutic setting.

The bottom line is that marriage counseling with a skilled and compassionate therapist, along with a mutual strong desire from both partners to enhance the relationship, can be a valuable and beneficial endeavor.

How to Find the Right Couples Counselor for You

Finding the right marriage counselor involves two main goals: finding someone who is qualified and experienced, and finding someone who feels like a good fit. The process is similar to what one would do to find an individual therapist. You may need to interview several people before finding the right one. Consider starting your search on an online therapist directory.

Any searches through a directory should be followed up with questions about the person’s training and relevant experience. The skills and knowledge required to be an effective couples counselor differ from what’s needed to be an effective individual therapist. For example, couples therapists should be able to direct and cope with confrontation. A therapist who is hesitant to set the direction and manage the session probably won’t be as effective.

Final Thoughts: Is Marriage Counseling Worth It?

Marriage counseling is most effective when couples are highly motivated and willing to commit to the work. Research shows that marriage counseling is usually worth the effort. Most couples learn useful communication skills, find greater satisfaction in the relationship, and connect on a deeper level.