Marriage counseling or couples counseling can effectively improve communication, provide tools to resolve conflict, and strengthen a couples’ bond. It is most effective when couples are highly motivated to save the marriage and willing to commit to the required work. Sessions may range from 50 to 90 minutes with weekly meetings for an average of three to six months.
Does Marriage Counseling Actually Work?
Research shows that marriage counseling works for the majority of couples. Most couples report significant improvement in their relationships, with results persisting at two year follow-up interviews.1,2 However, there are couples who learn from marriage counseling that their relationship is unhealthy for one or both of them. In those instances, the counseling process may lead to separation or divorce.
Multiple factors can influence the outcome of marriage counseling, including:
- Timing: The longer a couple waits to seek help, the more established their communication problems have become, resulting in more emotional damage.
- Motivation: If either person is ambivalent about saving the relationship or has already decided to leave, they are unlikely to have success as a couple.
- Whether there is any violence, abuse, or substance abuse by either person: In these circumstances, a referral may be needed for more specific treatment like an anger management or addiction recovery program.
How Does Couples Counseling Help?
General goals of couples counseling include to change the patterns of interaction between two individuals, build a stronger emotional connection, and improve communication skills. According to relationship expert John Gottman, every couple will have problems that aren’t solvable, but successful couples are able to stay connected and talk through problems. They avoid becoming defensive or critical; instead, they show interest, affection, and respect throughout arguments.3
Here are several changes that can result from couples or marriage counseling:
- Improved ability to understand and empathize with each other
- Improved active listening skills
- Using new tools to resolve conflict, such as taking a brief time-out
- Building a stronger friendship through enjoying activities together
- Building a more secure emotional attachment
- Rebuilding trust
- Recognizing common arguments in order to address them in new ways
- Recovering from prior hurtful events in the relationship
- Learning to avoid destructive ways of communicating, such as criticism and defensiveness
- Honoring each others dreams for the future
- Improved ability to parent as a team
- Reduced frequency of complaints
Statistics on the Effectiveness of Marriage Counseling
There is abundant research on the effectiveness of marriage counseling, particularly in relation to emotionally-focused couples therapy (EFT) or integrative behavioral couples therapy (IBCT). A third model of couples therapy, the Gottman Method, has fewer outcome studies.
Here are some statistics on the effectiveness of marriage counseling:
- 70% of couples experienced positive changes and reduced distress, according to a review of the outcome studies of couples therapy from 1991 to 20114
- 93% of couples reported having “more effective tools for dealing with their problems,” according to research done by the Association of Marriage and Family Therapists5
- 90% of couples reported significant improvement in their relationships after participating in emotionally-focused therapy for couples1
- 70-73% of couples reported relief from their marital distress within 12 sessions of emotionally-focused therapy for couples1
How Do I Know If I Need Marriage Counseling?
Most often, behavioral signs indicate a need for marriage counseling. However, circumstances associated with a high risk of distress include getting married at an early age, having limited financial resources, and having an interfaith marriage. If either person has a parent who divorced, the risk of separation is also higher.
Signs that may indicate a need for marriage counseling include:
- Frequent criticism of each other
- A lot of defensive responses to comments or complaints
- Emotional withdrawal or a sense of being distant and disengaged
- Any feelings of resentment, contempt, or anger that arise frequently
- Poor communication and frequent misunderstandings
- Any form of abuse (emotional, physical, verbal)
- Any addictive behaviors (substances, gambling, pornography)
- Infidelity or other serious violation of trust
What to Expect From Couples Counseling
What to expect from your counseling sessions will depend upon the methods and theories that your therapist uses. That said, most marriage counselors will prefer to meet both members of the couple together at the initial session, which will probably last at least one hour (sometimes lasting 90 minutes for a more thorough assessment).
Following the first session, some therapists will ask to meet with each person separately for one to three sessions to gain a better understanding of their unique background and issues. Other therapists will continue to hold each session with both partners. After the evaluation phase, common goals will be set based on the needs of the couple and the approach of the therapist.
How Long Does It Take for Marriage Counseling to Work?
The median length of marriage counseling across different models is 12 sessions, according to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.6 The length of couples counseling using EFT ranges from eight to 20 sessions (roughly two months to five months).7 Problems that have continued over several years will take longer to manage than short-term or situational challenges.
The time required for couples counseling depends on the model being used, the specific needs of the couple, the goals set by the couple, and other variables. When the needs of the couple involve management of individual problems, more time will be required to make progress. For example, if either partner is coping with anxiety, depression, or substance abuse, treatment will generally take longer. Both partner’s willingness to commit to weekly sessions and learning new habits will also affect the time required.
How to Find the Right Couples Counselor for You
Picking the right counselor involves two main goals: finding someone who is qualified and experienced, and finding someone who feels like a good fit. The process is similar to what one would do to find an individual therapist. You may need to interview several people before finding the right one. Consider starting your search on an online directory.
Any searches through a directory should be followed up with questions about the person’s training and relevant experience. The skills and knowledge required to be an effective couples counselor differ from what’s needed to be an effective individual therapist. For example, couples therapists should be able to direct and cope with confrontation. A therapist who is hesitant to set the direction and manage the session probably won’t be as effective.
Once you’ve chosen a counselor, you can prepare for couples counseling by communicating openly with your partner about your goals, and be sure to go in with an open mind. The cost per session varies, but averages around $100 a session.
Final Thoughts
The majority of outcome research, including outcome satisfaction surveys, indicates that marriage counseling is worth the effort. Most couples learn useful skills for dealing with disagreements, find greater satisfaction with their relationship, and become emotionally closer.8 For about 25% of couples, the process helps them accept each other’s differences. Even if these couples end up divorcing, they will have gained a greater understanding of themselves and their partner.
