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Marriage & Couples Counseling: How It Works & What to Expect

Published: September 21, 2022 Updated: January 25, 2023
Published: 09/21/2022 Updated: 01/25/2023
Headshot of Tristan McBain, PhD, LPC, LMFT, NCC
Written by:

Tristan McBain

PhD, LPC, LMFT, NCC
Headshot of Meera Patel, DO
Reviewed by:

Meera Patel

DO
  • What Is Marriage Counseling?Definition
  • What Can Marriage & Couples Counseling Help With?What It Helps
  • Who Should Seek Marriage Counseling?Who It's For
  • What Are the Goals of Couples Counseling?Goals
  • Is Marriage & Couples Counseling Effective?Effectiveness
  • How Much Does Marriage & Couples Counseling Cost?Cost
  • What to Expect at Your First Session1st Session
  • What If Your Partner Isn’t Open to Marriage Counseling?Partner Won't Go
  • Types of Marriage & Couples CounselingTypes
  • Who Is Qualified to Provide Couples Counseling & Marriage Counseling?How to Find
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Marriage Counseling InfographicsInfographics
Headshot of Tristan McBain, PhD, LPC, LMFT, NCC
Written by:

Tristan McBain

PhD, LPC, LMFT, NCC
Headshot of Meera Patel, DO
Reviewed by:

Meera Patel

DO

Marriage and couples counseling can help with a variety of concerns throughout the entirety of a relationship. Therapists can help couples deal with specific relationship issues (like infidelity or becoming empty nesters), strengthen their bond in general, and communicate and express their respective opinions and emotions.

Relationships aren’t perfect. Navigate the ups and downs in therapy. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

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What Is Marriage Counseling?

Marriage or couples counseling is typically a brief, solution-focused type of therapy. Most couples complete treatment within 20 sessions, although the average is closer to 12 sessions. Marriage counseling can take place every week or every other week, depending on the initial assessment of the therapist and the goals of the couple. Marriage counseling is successful when both partners are equally invested in finding solutions to marriage issues together and willing to put in the work both individually and as a couple.

What Can Marriage & Couples Counseling Help With?

Therapists can help couples lay out their respective opinions about issues, such as managing finances, division of household labor, work, sex, and raising and disciplining children. Marriage counseling can help after infidelity, or help couples work through other issues like lack of communication or rebuilding trust.

Marriage and couples counseling can help couples do the following:

  • Stay connected after having a baby
  • Deal with an “empty nest”
  • Process regrets over never having kids
  • Deal with general disconnectedness
  • Handle changes in sexual relationship or lack of intimacy
  • Make major life decisions together
  • Navigate betrayal, including infidelity
  • Rebuild trust, friendship, and respect

Who Should Seek Marriage Counseling?

Marriage or relationship counseling can be utilized by anyone in a committed relationship who needs support in navigating their relational issues. It can be for those who are dating with the intent to become engaged, those who are recently engaged, newly weds, or those who have been married for years. Couples counseling can improve any kind of relationship.

Here are some signs that it may be time to consider couples counseling:

  • Feelings of isolation or loneliness within the marriage
  • Frequent fights with little resolution
  • Feeling more negatively about the relationship than positively
  • Changes in routine habits as a couple, inconsistency, or unreliability
  • Changes in lifestyle due to caring for aging parents or having a baby
  • Changes in careers that have changed the couple’s lifestyle
  • Desire to be alone or to avoid your partner
  • Cheating on your partner or thinking about cheating
  • Lying and hiding behaviors
  • General feeling of mistrust and communication issues

What Are the Goals of Couples Counseling?

The counselor will help you and your partner explore, identify, and refine what you want to get out of counseling. Goals should be realistic, specific, and attainable. They should also be mutually agreed upon by both members of the relationship as well as the counselor.

Goals are unique to the couple—there is no “cookie cutter” treatment that is right for all couples in all situations. There are, however, overarching structures that guide goal-setting in couples counseling.

Generally speaking, effective goals for couples therapy may include:

  • Improving healthy communication
  • Increasing skills for conflict resolution and problem-solving
  • Building trust and respect
  • Reducing feelings of resentment
  • Processing past transgressions
  • Raising relationship satisfaction.
  • Healing after an affair

Sometimes, as with discernment counseling, the goal is simply to gain clarity and confidence in the path forward: to recommit to the relationship or decide to end things. At the end of the day, the goals of therapy act as a map of the work you will do with the counselor.

Is Marriage & Couples Counseling Effective?

Does marriage counseling work? While it can be challenging and emotional, marriage counseling can be highly effective. Many factors can impact the extent to which couples counseling is helpful for your relationship, including the attitude and perceptions of each individual in the couple.

Factors that may influence the effectiveness of marriage counseling are:

  • Timing: some couples wait several years after the onset of problems to initiate counseling. By the time they make it to therapy, issues could become a more serious threat to the relationship.
  • Level of commitment to the process: the couple must both be committed to the relationship and the counseling process or they may become too fatigued to continue. A reluctant or pessimistic partner can also impact progress.
  • Perception and perspective: couples who view each other as the enemy or who refuse to consider how they contribute to problems are at a deficit compared to couples who are willing to work together and reflect.

It’s important to note that serious red flags regarding the effectiveness of counseling include domestic violence or substance abuse. What it means to have “successful” couple counseling may vary as well. Sometimes, the couple decides that ending the relationship is the right path forward.

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Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by OurRelationship, Ritual, BetterHelp, and Online-Therapy.

How Much Does Marriage & Couples Counseling Cost?

The cost of couples counseling varies based on the counselor’s experience, session length, or whether you’re attending a private practice vs. a community-based agency, which may accommodate sliding scale fees. Unfortunately, many insurance companies do not cover this type of therapy, but contact your insurance company to find out the details.

What to Expect at Your First Session

Before your first couples therapy session, you can expect to fill out paperwork. In the first session, there will be an intake assessment, ranging between 1-2 hours or spread over more than one session. Unless otherwise specified by the therapist, both parties in the relationship will attend. Some counselors complete the initial session with the couple and then have each individual come in separately.

How to Prepare for Couples Counseling

To prepare for couples counseling, be ready to answer lots of questions. The more detail the counselor has to work with, the better they can assess how they can help. It is important that the counselor discusses the different intersections of each person’s identity to better understand their experience and how they should adapt any marital and couples counseling interventions.

Expect your counselor to explore these types of intersections of identity:

  • Race
  • Sexual orientation
  • Gender identity
  • Preference for monogamy/non-monogamy
  • Socio-economic status
  • Religion

It’s also likely that your counselor will ask about you and your partner’s sex life, which is one facet of your relationship. Ultimately, they should let you make decisions about what, when, and why sexual issues are addressed in counseling, but be prepared to discuss it during intake.

Individual Sessions Within Couples & Marriage Counseling

There are circumstances when marital and couple counseling will combine individual or family counseling sessions beyond the initial intake. This may be initiated by you or the counselor. When and why may vary depending on the couple, the problem being addressed, and the therapeutic orientation of the counselor.

Participating in separate counseling sessions can help the counselor see other perspectives or gain momentum if progress is “stuck.” Individual sessions as part of couple counseling are usually a short-term arrangement and should not overshadow the goals of the couple counseling sessions.

Before individual sessions are arranged, the counselor will have a conversation with the couple to ensure they’re comfortable. The counselor will also discuss their limits of confidentiality. They will not give the other partner a report of what was said by their partner; however, they generally reserve the right to talk openly about anything relevant in future couple sessions.

What If Your Partner Isn’t Open to Marriage Counseling?

It can be hard to manage the emotions when you may want to go to marriage counseling and your spouse does not. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to discuss and resolve issues, so it’s important to try to understand why they don’t want to see a therapist together. Asking “why” can help you learn their reasons, perceived barriers, or fears around marriage counseling.

They may believe the myths they heard that marriage counseling leads to divorce and they do not want to divorce. They may be concerned about the financial impact and cost of this service as well as the cost of time, especially with demanding jobs, children’s schedules and outside obligations. They may feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings in general and especially with a stranger such as a therapist. Some people perceive marriage counseling as punishment for poor behavior, so it can be hard to shake that feeling.

While their reasons may be real and valid for them, it is important to remember that your needs are valid as well. Trying to come to a place where you can agree to try things out, or even air out some of these concerns with a potential marriage therapist to determine if they are a right fit can make a big difference. Regardless, if you are in need of support, beginning individual therapy and asking your partner to potentially join at a later date can show your partner that it can be safe to go to marriage counseling.

Do Marriage Counselors Recommend Divorce?

Marriage counselors will typically not recommend divorce or offer other personal opinions about your relationship. Instead, they will help you to explore your needs and work to find out if your needs can be fulfilled in this relationship, how that might look, and what it may take to get there. Marriage counselors may recommend practices around boundary-setting to ensure both partners are feeling they have the space they need to individually process things and encourage healthy ways of managing marriage stress and issues.

Types of Marriage & Couples Counseling

There are many different models or types of couples counseling, including emotion focused therapy (EFT), the Gottman Method, internal family systems (IFS), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), positive psychology therapy, and solution-focused therapy (SFT).

Emotionally Focused Therapy

EFT is a form of psychotherapy that focuses on building attachment in adult relationships. Many couples seek out therapy because they’re feeling intense emotions such as anger, fear, or betrayal. EFT works to decrease distress in the relationship while also improving the bond between the two partners.

The Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is based on scientific research, making this another evidence-based approach. Main points include building friendship with your partner, resolving conflict, making meaning together, and minimizing the frequency of the four predictors of divorce, also known as the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.

Internal Family Systems

IFS is an evidenced-based, integrative model that teaches individuals how to focus inwardly on the Self, and the eight Cs of self-leadership: calmness, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness. In doing this, we can begin to see how the parts of ourselves (our personalities and sub-personalities) can enhance or inhibit our lives.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

CBT for marriage counseling can be very effective as the goal of many issues in couples and marriage counseling can be addressed by this modality. A focus on thoughts and behaviors are at the core of how CBT works, and within the structure of a couple, it can help both parties understand where they come from and why and how to change these thought patterns and behaviors.

Positive Psychology Therapy

Positive psychology for marriage counseling can also be very helpful and empowering for both individuals in the relationship. Positive psychology therapy aims to help both people in the relationship recognize their own strengths and skills and encourage them to find ways to access these skills. They also help to reframe negative situations in a way where there can be a positive take-away and appreciate the challenge it takes to make changes in the relationship. This modality allows for both people in a relationship to grow based on the strengths they bring to the partnership.

Solution-Focused Therapy

SFT for marriage counseling is very couple-centered and allows the couple to uncover their own goals and hopes for the relationship. It asks the couple what tools they have to get there, where they get stuck, how they deal with those situations, and plans for the future. This modality works on helping to improve communication and listening skills.

Who Is Qualified to Provide Couples Counseling & Marriage Counseling?

Many mental health professionals are qualified to do marital and couple therapy, but not all therapists have detailed clinical training in this area. Sex therapists may also have training in this area. Note that licenses and professional titles vary from state to state. This means that you don’t necessarily have to focus on their title for initial impressions. Focus on their training background and work experience.

How to Find a Marriage Counselor

To find a marriage counselor, consider starting your search in an online therapist directory. Most clinicians who have public profiles on agency or practice websites or online directories will have detailed narratives of their training background and clinical experience in the client populations they serve. Most will also include their areas of specialty.

Final Thoughts

Marital and couples counseling can be a helpful and worthwhile investment for couples who want to improve their relationship. Remember that what works for one couple may or may not work for you, and making progress in counseling depends greatly not just on the therapy process but also on your level of commitment to make changes and improvements long term.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Relationships aren’t easy – a licensed therapist can help. Live sessions can be done via phone, video, or live-chat. Plus, you can message your therapist whenever you want. Visit BetterHelp

Online-Therapy.com (Online Couples Therapy) – Do you and your partner want to work together to have less arguments and better communication? Are there children involved and being caught in the crossfire? Do you love each other but are having a rough time operating as one unit? Couples therapy can help. Get Started

Ritual (Relationship Guidance) – Ritual provides guidance to individuals working to improve their relationship, or couples working jointly. Ritual combines video sessions led by a relationship expert, with short online activities. 14-day money-back guarantee. Try Ritual

OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started

Sesh (Online Support Group) – Would attending an interactive webinar on “Pressing The Brakes On Gaslighting”, “Letting Go The Anger Towards Loved Ones”, or “Creating Healthy Relationships” be helpful? Sesh offers over 100 sessions per month! Free One Month Trial

Mindfulness.com (App) – During a disagreement, controlling one’s anger can be difficult, particularly if your partner starts yelling. Mindfulness can prevent one from saying and doing things that lead to regret. Free 7-Day Trial

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, Ritual, OurRelationship, Sesh, and Mindfulness.com

For Further Reading

  • Lasting App – A self-guided couples counseling tool to use alongside marriage & couples counseling
  • Best Books on Marriage
  • Marriage Counseling Statistics
  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health

Marriage Counseling Infographics

What Is Marriage Counseling? What Can Marriage & Couples Counseling Help With? How to Prepare for Couples Counseling

3 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Johnson, S., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., & Schindler, D. (1999). Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: Status & challenges (A meta-analysis). Journal of Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(1), 67-79.

  • Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2008). Gottman method couple therapy. In A. S. Gurman (Ed.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (p. 138–164). The Guilford Press.

  • Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Model. Oak Park, IL: Trailheads Publications.

update history

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

  • Originally Published: June 8, 2020
    Original Author: Tristan McBain, PhD, LPC, LMFT, NCC
    Original Reviewer: Meera Patel, D.O.

  • Updated: September 21, 2022
    Author: No Change
    Reviewer: No Change
    Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Added “What Is Marriage Counseling?”, “Who Should Seek Marriage Counseling?”, “What If Your Partner Isn’t Open to Marriage Counseling?”, and “Do Marriage Counselors Recommend Divorce?”, and revised “Types of Marriage & Couples Counseling”. New material written by Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C and reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.

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Headshot of Tristan McBain, PhD, LPC, LMFT, NCC
Written by:

Tristan McBain

PhD, LPC, LMFT, NCC
Headshot of Meera Patel, DO
Reviewed by:

Meera Patel

DO
  • What Is Marriage Counseling?Definition
  • What Can Marriage & Couples Counseling Help With?What It Helps
  • Who Should Seek Marriage Counseling?Who It's For
  • What Are the Goals of Couples Counseling?Goals
  • Is Marriage & Couples Counseling Effective?Effectiveness
  • How Much Does Marriage & Couples Counseling Cost?Cost
  • What to Expect at Your First Session1st Session
  • What If Your Partner Isn’t Open to Marriage Counseling?Partner Won't Go
  • Types of Marriage & Couples CounselingTypes
  • Who Is Qualified to Provide Couples Counseling & Marriage Counseling?How to Find
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Marriage Counseling InfographicsInfographics
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