There are many reasons you may want to cheat. Sometimes you may feel slighted or devalued by your partner. In other cases, there might be something deeper happening within you that can explain this desire. Whatever the case, wondering Why do I want to have an affair indicates that even though a part of you wants to, another part of you does not.
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8 Reasons Why You May Want to Cheat
Cheating on a significant other–whether they are your spouse, partner, or even your boyfriend or girlfriend–is a big deal. Even though it may be tempting to beat yourself up for the desire to stray, that will not help address what is really driving you to do so.
Cheating would be a distraction from the issues you are having in your relationship. This desire you are experiencing should call attention to your own needs, rather than distract from them! Ultimately, cheating comes down to the belief (maybe one you’re not aware of) that you cannot get your needs met in your relationship. Thus, the urge hinges on “replacing” your relationship with another one to get those needs met.
The urge to cheat on your partner carries with it the potential for guilt, shame, and self-loathing. Remember that those feelings exist to remind you that, despite the urge to cheat, you would regret any infidelity. This regret reveals how you really feel about cheating. However, there are other things that may drive you to have your needs met.
Here are eight reasons why you may feel the urge to cheat on your partner:
1. “Puppy Love”
In the early stages of a partnership, infatuation or “puppy-love” leaves us feeling pleasantly overwhelmed. During those times, the slightest glance or small text from your partner are enough to lift your spirits!
Still, these feelings don’t last–not for any relationship! The reason for this is that these early stages inevitably give way to new challenges. A natural separation occurs, where both parts of the couple continue focusing on their own individual tasks and responsibilities. If you were depending on the rush of immediate confidence, the fading ease by which this came is troubling. It may feel like something is broken in the relationship, even though fading after the early stages of elated feelings is the natural course.
2. Overcompensating
When our partner is busy or not giving us the attention we feel like we deserve, we may react negatively. We may look for opportunities to affirm our own value. This desire to affirm ourselves can easily get out of hand, as we may use our desperation to devalue others; minimize criticism; and discard what could be valuable insights from people who want to help. We can be blinded to the potential damage of our actions.
3. Poor Coping Skills
Saying someone has poor coping skills is a very general way of describing a large number of behaviors such as engaging in substance use; thinking too much about sex; or actions that disconnect us from our relationships. These put us in a place in which looking for affection outside of our healthy relationships becomes the only option. Of course, it isn’t really the only option, but the way we dissociate (or disconnect from ourselves) eliminates healthier options.
4. Wanting Attention
Wanting attention is also a common reason we look outside our relationship. Maybe your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner works too much, plays too much, or has what seems to be an endless amount of priorities that come before you. In these cases, looking elsewhere may be very tempting.
5. Overreacting
It is very common for couples I work with to feel worried about how they have the same fights over and over again. Often these repetitive fights turn out to be related to communication patterns that existed well before the relationship they are in now! For example, a fight that seems to start because of dirty dishes may relate to one partner feeling unheard in a previous situation. This feeling may remind them of a previous unhealthy relationship, or how their parents treated them.
In this way, an apparent overreaction to unwashed dishes and similar situations can spark an immediate feeling of hopelessness in a relationship. With enough of these conflicts, it starts to make sense why you would seek something “easier.”
6. Wanting to Escape
Sometimes you may feel trapped in your relationship. This can be because of financial stress, children, or worries about hurting your family. In any case, this feeling may be expressed in low-key and hard to describe ways. A slight pull, or a sense of monotony may characterize this example. Understand that being unsatisfied with your relationship does not mean that you would be happy with yourself if you did cheat. Recognizing this monotony and a desire to break free from these feelings can lead to change.
7. Anxiety
Having anxiety about your relationship can lead to many pitfalls. Feeling anxious about a relationship is typical enough, but for some, it can be extreme. For instance, while it may have been easy to talk at the beginning of the relationship, constant worry about hurting your partner’s feelings can prevent you from being open. Due to the natural separation that occurs as relationships develop, these feelings will become increasingly more common. This is because both partners have stressors external to the relationship, so mood is going to be influenced by those stressors, too.
The stereotypical image of an anxious person may look like someone rushing around or stressing out. However, shutting down may be a method of keeping the peace and avoiding anxiety. Still, being worried about the future of your relationship or life can drive this anxiety even further.
Even though your anxiety may come from a very understandable place, the way that you deal with this anxiety may lead you to cheat. This kind of anxiety can be an indication that conflict is more frightening than being unfaithful.
8. Sex Addiction
It may be difficult to face, but compulsive sexual fixation and actions can be driving your desires to cheat. Research into sex addiction, or Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder, indicates that, while fixating on cheating is one possible expression, there are other behaviors that can contribute to this disorder.1 These behaviors include pornography, cybersex, phone sex, masturbation, and going to strip clubs.
Nevertheless, there is more to consider on this topic, and it is important to consider how your sexual life reflects healthy choices you can make for yourself. Using sexual behaviors to dissociate can be damaging, and it is worth looking into help.
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What Should I Do if I Feel the Urge to Cheat?
If you feel the urge to cheat, remember that you should be able to get the things you need from your partner in a healthy relationship. If your relationship does not seem capable of providing this, it is important to talk to your partner about it. Try to connect with them, and lean into the relationship you already have.
Many times, the shortcomings of our relationships have driven us to this breaking point to begin with. Recognizing that we are in our primary relationship for a reason can be an important step in preventing cheating.
Here are some healthy ways to manage the urge to cheat
- Write a letter: This letter can be addressed to your partner, a friend, or even yourself. Putting your thoughts down can help you remember who you want to be.
- Remember the exciting parts of your relationship: Reminiscing is a healthy way to take care of ourselves when we are frustrated in our relationships. It can even help us identify some good ideas to get back on track!
- Call a safe friend: Connecting with a friend who is supportive of your relationship can help you refocus
- Fix your sleep schedule: Sometimes you just need to sleep to feel better! Sleep can do so many great things for our body and support good decision-making!2
- Take care of your home: Doing necessary tasks around the house like tidying, cleaning, or preparing for the next day can help us settle back into place. That is not to say that your place is home, but rather that you have built a life for yourself there. Take care of it!
How Can Therapy Help?
Marriage counseling can be vital in addressing the parts of our lives that we do not understand well. The urge to cheat can seem like it comes out of nowhere, or we may have justified it in some other unhealthy way. The right therapist can help you sort through this!
If cheating has occurred before in your relationship, a couple’s therapist may be able to help. Meeting with your therapist to identify parts of the relationship that aren’t working and address them in healthier ways can help. This will allow you to tackle the urge to cheat by making it easier to pinpoint your needs and build confidence in your relationship.
Final Thoughts
Wanting to cheat is a warning sign that there is something happening in your relationship that you think somebody other than your partner can help with. The best way to fight that urge is to lean into your relationship; work on strengthening it both in your mind and through your actions; and take care of your life at home. Reach out to safe friends, or even a therapist, and take your life back from these temptations!
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Relationships aren’t easy – a licensed therapist can help. Live sessions can be done via phone, video, or live-chat. Plus, you can message your therapist whenever you want. Visit BetterHelp
Online-Therapy.com (Online Couples Therapy) – Do you and your partner want to work together to have less arguments and better communication? Are there children involved and being caught in the crossfire? Do you love each other but are having a rough time operating as one unit? Couples therapy can help. Get Started
OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started
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- Communication problems / too many arguments
- Emotional distance or lack of love
- Lack of trust or infidelity/cheating
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