Why Do I Want to Cheat? 8 Possible Reasons & How to Address Them

Why Do I Feel Tempted to Cheat?

There are many reasons why people feel tempted to cheat. This temptation can occur at any stage of the relationship, but it may be heightened during times of stress or uncertainty. Some other main variables include relational dissatisfaction, unmet emotional or sexual needs, or a desire for novelty. Furthermore, those with histories of cheating may find it challenging to break the cycle.

8 Reasons Why You May Want to Cheat

Cheating on a significant other, whether they are your spouse, partner, or even your boyfriend or girlfriend, is a big deal. Even though it may be tempting to beat yourself up for the desire to stray, that will not help address what is really driving you to do so.

Cheating would be a distraction from the issues you are having in your relationship. This desire you are experiencing should call attention to your own needs, rather than distract from them! Ultimately, cheating comes down to the belief (maybe one you’re not aware of) that you cannot get your needs met in your relationship. Thus, the urge hinges on “replacing” your relationship with another one to get those needs met.

The urge to cheat on your partner carries with it the potential for guilt, shame, and self-loathing. Remember that those feelings exist to remind you that, despite the urge to cheat, you would regret any infidelity. This regret reveals how you really feel about cheating. However, there are other things that may drive you to have your needs met.

Here are eight reasons why you may feel the urge to cheat on your partner:

1. Losing the Excitement of “Puppy Love”

In the early stages of a partnership, infatuation or “puppy-love” leaves us feeling pleasantly overwhelmed. During those times, the slightest glance or small text from your partner are enough to lift your spirits!

Still, these feelings don’t last. The reason for this is that these early stages inevitably give way to new challenges. A natural separation occurs, where both parts of the couple continue focusing on their own individual tasks and responsibilities. If you were depending on the rush of immediate confidence, the fading ease by which this came is troubling. It may feel like something is broken in the relationship, even though fading after the early stages of elated feelings is the natural course.

2. Overcompensating for Neglect in Your Relationship

When our partner is busy or not giving us the attention we feel like we deserve, we may react negatively. We may look for opportunities to affirm our own value. This desire to affirm ourselves can easily get out of hand, as we may use our desperation to devalue others; minimize criticism; and discard what could be valuable insights from people who want to help. We can be blinded to the potential damage of our actions.

3. Poor Coping Skills That Lead to Infidelity

Saying someone has poor coping skills is a very general way of describing a large number of behaviors such as engaging in substance use; thinking too much about sex; or actions that disconnect us from our relationships. These put us in a place in which looking for affection outside of our healthy relationships becomes the only option. Of course, it isn’t really the only option, but the way we dissociate (or disconnect from ourselves) eliminates healthier options.

4. Wanting Attention

Wanting attention is also a common reason we look outside our relationship. Maybe your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner works too much, plays too much, or has what seems to be an endless amount of priorities that come before you. In these cases, looking elsewhere may be very tempting.

If this is the case, it’s important to communicate unmet needs to your partner. This is rarely a one-time conversation. Instead, it’s about conveying your priorities and explaining how it feels when those priorities feel neglected or disregarded. If you’re getting ready to have this conversation, focus on your feelings and aim to stay even-keeled. Getting defensive or passive-aggressive can often backfire.

5. Overreacting

It is very common for couples to feel worried about having the same fights over and over again. Often these repetitive fights turn out to be related to communication patterns that existed well before the relationship they are in now! For example, a fight that seems to start because of dirty dishes may relate to one partner feeling unheard in a previous situation. This feeling may remind them of a previous unhealthy relationship, or how their parents treated them.

In this way, an apparent overreaction to unwashed dishes and similar situations can spark an immediate feeling of hopelessness in a relationship. With enough of these conflicts, it starts to make sense why you would seek something “easier.”

6. Feeling Trapped & Wanting to Escape

At times, you may feel stuck in your relationship, whether due to financial stress, shared responsibilities like children, or fear of hurting your family. This sense of entrapment isn’t always dramatic—it can manifest as a subtle but persistent feeling of monotony, restlessness, or longing for something different.

However, feeling unsatisfied in your relationship doesn’t mean that cheating will bring the happiness or freedom you seek. Instead of acting on the impulse to escape, consider what’s truly driving these feelings. Is it a lack of personal fulfillment, imbalance in responsibilities, or an unaddressed emotional need? Recognizing these underlying issues can empower you to make meaningful changes, from improving communication, setting boundaries, or reevaluating your own needs, without jeopardizing your integrity or your relationship.

Couples often need to reassess responsibilities within their relationship, especially if one partner feels overwhelmed by managing the household. When responsibilities feel lopsided, resentment can build quickly. Take time to sit down with your partner and openly discuss everything it takes to keep your home running. Work together to redistribute tasks fairly, ensuring both partners feel supported and valued.

7. Anxiety

Having anxiety about your relationship can lead to many pitfalls. Feeling anxious about a relationship is typical enough, but for some, it can be extreme. For instance, while it may have been easy to talk at the beginning of the relationship, constant worry about hurting your partner’s feelings can prevent you from being open. Due to the natural separation that occurs as relationships develop, these feelings will become increasingly more common. This is because both partners have stressors external to the relationship, so mood is going to be influenced by those stressors, too.

The stereotypical image of an anxious person may look like someone rushing around or stressing out. However, shutting down may be a method of keeping the peace and avoiding anxiety. Still, being worried about the future of your relationship or life can drive this anxiety even further.

Even though your anxiety may come from a very understandable place, the way that you deal with this anxiety may lead you to cheat. This kind of anxiety can be an indication that conflict is more frightening than being unfaithful.

8. Sex Addiction

It may be difficult to face, but compulsive sexual fixation and actions can be driving your desires to cheat. Research into sex addiction, or Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder, indicates that, while fixating on cheating is one possible expression, there are other behaviors that can contribute to this disorder.¹ These behaviors include pornography, cybersex, phone sex, masturbation, and going to strip clubs.

Nevertheless, there is more to consider on this topic, and it is important to consider how your sexual life reflects healthy choices you can make for yourself. Using sexual behaviors to dissociate can be damaging, and it is worth looking into help.

What Should I Do if I Feel the Urge to Cheat?

If you feel the urge to cheat, remember that you should be able to get the things you need from your partner in a healthy relationship. If your relationship does not seem capable of providing this, it is important to talk to your partner about it. Try to connect with them, and lean into the relationship you already have.

Many times, the shortcomings of our relationships have driven us to this breaking point to begin with. Recognizing that we are in our primary relationship for a reason can be an important step in preventing cheating.

Here are some healthy ways to manage the urge to cheat:

• Write a letter: This letter can be addressed to your partner, a friend, or even yourself. Putting your thoughts down can help you remember who you want to be.
• Remember the exciting parts of your relationship: Reminiscing is a healthy way to take care of ourselves when we are frustrated in our relationships. It can even help us identify some good ideas to get back on track!
• Put effort into strengthening your relationship: Make a genuine effort to spend quality time with your partner. Prioritize staying connected and engaging in open communication. Focus on nurturing your relationship just as you’d focus on taking care of any other important part of your life.
• Call a safe friend: Connecting with a friend who is supportive of your relationship can help you refocus
• Fix your sleep schedule: Sometimes you just need to sleep to feel better! Sleep can do so many great things for our body and support good decision-making!²
• Focus on self-improvement: Sometimes people lose their sense of self in a long-term relationship. Seek to devote time to cultivate your own well-being and engage in routine self-care.
• Take care of your home: Doing necessary tasks around the house like tidying, cleaning, or preparing for the next day can help us settle back into place. That is not to say that your place is home, but rather that you have built a life for yourself there. Take care of it!
• Set boundaries for yourself: Create non-negotiable limits for yourself within the relationship. These boundaries reinforce your commitment to your partner and to yourself, reducing the risk of cheating or other behavior that feels misaligned to your values.

Should I Talk to My Partner About Wanting to Cheat?

If you are asking yourself this heavy question, it’s more important to consider what you’re hoping to achieve. For instance, do you want your partner to feel motivated to change something in the relationship? Do you want the opportunity to reduce some of the guilt you may be experiencing? Are you hoping this fosters more open communication?

Regardless, talking about cheating directly is not effective, and it could excessively scare or hurt your partner’s feelings. Instead, it’s probably more beneficial to communicate your concerns about the relationship. For example, if you’re struggling with certain unmet needs, that’s the area to focus on. If you’re questioning the relationship as a whole, that is also important to consider evaluating.

How Can Therapy Help?

Marriage counseling can be vital in addressing the parts of our lives that we do not understand well. The urge to cheat can seem like it comes out of nowhere, or we may have justified it in some other unhealthy way. The right therapist can help you sort through this.

If cheating has occurred before in your relationship, a couple’s therapist may be able to help in-person or through online couples therapy platforms. Meeting with your therapist to identify parts of the relationship that aren’t working and address them in healthier ways can help. This will allow you to tackle the urge to cheat by making it easier to pinpoint your needs and build confidence in your relationship.