Shame: Definition, Examples, Causes, & How to Cope

What Is Shame?

Shame is an emotion that arises after a person makes a choice that does not align with their values. They may believe they made this poor choice because something is inherently wrong with them. These negative and self-critical internal judgments can leave many feeling inadequate or unworthy of being loved.

People can experience shame about their appearances, behavior, or specific flaws and insecurities. Shame is a painful experience that often hides behind other defense mechanisms and emotions, like fear, anger, or jealousy.

Everyone will occasionally experience shame because insecurities are a part of human nature. Most people experience this emotion in specific situations or after encountering triggers. However, toxic, chronic, or debilitating shame may indicate an underlying mental health condition like anxiety, depression, self-loathing, or post-traumatic stress disorder.^1,2

Shame Vs. Guilt

Guilt and shame may appear alike but describe different emotional experiences. Simply put, people experiencing guilt feel bad about an action or behavior. Conversely, feeling ashamed typically means struggling with poor internal self-image, concepts, or beliefs.

For example, a person feels guilty when they make a poor decision. Believing one made this choice because of innate flaws and personal shortcomings results in shame. Similar situations can trigger guilt and shame, but these emotions manifest differently and motivate varying responses.

Shame Vs. Embarrassment

Shame and embarrassment are both incredibly uncomfortable internal experiences. Both feelings often arise from similar triggers or situations but have distinct differences. Embarrassment happens after acting in otherwise socially unacceptable, awkward, or strange ways. People generally recover from embarrassing behavior quickly. On the other hand, shame stems from self-doubt, self-loathing, or dissatisfaction, and these feelings are not often easily resolved.³

Types of Shame

Various types of shame can trigger responses to perceived mistakes, flaws, or shortcomings. Some researchers describe differences between internal and external shame, explaining that individuals can experience both negative self-beliefs and anxiety about the beliefs others may have of them.

Below are the types of shame:

• Transient shame: Transient shame is short-lived and does not create significant distress or disruption to daily functioning.
• Chronic shame: Chronic shame occurs over a long period, feels persistent, and does not have a finite duration. Stigmatization due to social norms or being part of a marginalized group can contribute to this kind of shame.⁴
• Toxic shame: A person may develop toxic shame when they experience long-term self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness.
• Internalized shame: Internalized shame originates from personal beliefs about perceived flaws, as opposed to the perceptions of others.
• Secret shame: This means feeling ashamed about being ashamed. People will often go to great lengths to hide these beliefs from others.
• Vicarious shame: Vicarious shame is when someone feels shame on behalf of someone else.
• Performance shame: Someone may experience performance shame when they expose perceived flaws to a larger audience.
• Shame around strangers: People may experience shame around strangers because of a deep-rooted fear of being perceived as flawed or inadequate. These feelings may take the form of social anxiety.

Examples of Shame

Endless variations of situations and feelings can cause or exacerbate shame. Because of this, recognizing the signs of shame can be challenging. Some may experience shame because they ruminate on perceived flaws, feel humiliated, or anticipate failure. Regardless of the trigger, shame can contribute to self-sabotaging behavior, social withdrawal, and trust issues.

Some examples of shame include:

What Causes Shame?

Causes of shame vary depending on the person. However, any critical internal or external rejection can typically trigger existing insecurities, beliefs, or flaws. These existing insecurities usually develop in early life as responses to painful criticism, rejection, or pain. These “shaming” experiences cause people to see specific mistakes, flaws, or character defects as threats that deem them unacceptable or unloveable.^2,5,6

For example, traumatic experiences in childhood, like abuse, neglect, or other forms of maltreatment, closely correlate with shame later in life.⁷ Children may internalize blame, leading to negative self-beliefs as they attempt to make sense of their mistreatment.

Causes of shame may include:⁷

• Childhood abuse or neglect: A person formulates their self-esteem and conceptualization in their childhood. Early parental abuse or neglect leaves a child feeling undeserving of love, care, and nurturing.
• Pre-existing mental health conditions: Shame often comes from feeling separated from others, and struggling with a mental health condition can highlight and exacerbate these experiences of “otherness.”
• Setting unrealistic expectations: Reaching goals is a point of pride. However, someone may feel shame if they fall short of self-expectations.
• Experiencing bullying: Being targeted by a bully not only makes a person feel alone but also further isolated when bystanders do not intervene. They may feel unworthy of common decency.
• Rejection or exclusion from others: Humans inherently need to feel included and connected. Being excluded by others can generate shame if people believe they are unlovable or unworthy of social interaction.

Effects of Shame on Mental & Physical Health

Shame and mental health have an interdependent relationship where each can trigger and exacerbate the other. Feeling ashamed correlates with poor self-esteem, negative self-concept, and multiple mental health issues.^2,5,6 Research also suggests that experiencing high levels of shame increases the risk for a range of high-risk behaviors, including substance use, self-harm, and suicidal ideation.

Below are the possible impacts of shame on mental health:

• Social withdrawal: Shame can lead to avoiding social engagements to minimize the risk of rejection. This behavior reinforces feelings of isolation that cause shame in the first place.
• Substance use: Shame is an incredibly uncomfortable experience. When people do not have adequate social support and coping skills to tolerate this discomfort, they may turn to substances to distract and numb themselves.
• Physical symptoms: Our physical and mental experiences are inherently linked, and experiencing a deeply uncomfortable emotion like shame can cause increased heart rate, flushed cheeks, and sweating.
• Depression: A major aspect of depression is low self-esteem and lethargy, which bidirectionally impact each other to reinforce shame.
• Anxiety: A person may experience new or worsening anxieties due to their fears of rejection, self-doubt, and shame.
• Relationship problems: A person experiencing shame already feels detached from others. These feelings can severely impact emotional intimacy in any relationship.
• Low self-esteem: A person with a negative internal narrative will invariably begin to believe they are unworthy of acceptance, and many may struggle to find any positive characteristics about themselves.
• Feelings of emptiness: Being bombarded with external and internal criticism sends the message that one is flawed, bad, and unlovable. Believing in a higher purpose or meaning in life becomes challenging when one feels unworthy of love.
• Perfectionism: Perfectionists believe they can avoid shame, embarrassment, or humiliation if they do everything perfectly.
• People-pleasing behavior: People-pleasers believe others will not reject, exclude, or judge them if they ensure everyone is happy.
• Eating disorders: Sometimes, a person experiencing shame may try to control and “fix” things, even their bodies. These unhealthy habits can lead to disordered eating or eating disorders.

Can Shame Get Worse Over Time?

Shame is an uncomfortable emotion, sometimes leading individuals to seek temporary relief without addressing their underlying issues. Unfortunately, many shame-based responses can strengthen the underlying mechanisms of shame, thus increasing the risk of experiencing shame in the future.

Responses that can exacerbate shame include:

• Distraction: Distraction is sometimes necessary but can also worsen shame. Over time, these unresolved emotions can subtly influence actions and choices without individuals noticing.
• External validation: Shame comes from an inability to provide internal validation, leaving many reliant on external factors to boost self-esteem. However, this behavior keeps them from exploring and overcoming their shame, further exacerbating the cycle.
• Secret keeping: Secrecy creates an environment where shame grows stronger. People who hide their insecurities and flaws often feel increased pressure about maintaining their façade.
• Comparative analysis: Comparisons fuel shame, fostering an unwinnable battle against others perceived as better or more successful. Comparisons keep self-worth conditional on changing external factors, leading to constant fluctuations between pride and shame.
• Self-criticism: Self-critical thoughts feed into shame. People participating in self-critical or judgmental thoughts strengthen the negative self-concept that reignites shame.

Can Shame Be Healthy?

Shame can alert us about behaviors that do not align with our values and can be necessary for developing a moral compass. The difference between healthy and unhealthy shame comes from owning our autonomy and making intentional decisions rather than feeling stagnant in our flaws. Shame can be helpful when we recognize our regret and choose better decisions in the future.

8 Tips for Coping With Shame

Living with shame can be disheartening, but you can recognize your feelings, interrupt self-criticism, and guard against destructive shame-driven responses. Consider starting a journal to track what triggers your shame so you can explore how to better respond in the future. Additionally, seeking reassurance from trusted others can provide a safe space to express your struggles.

Below are eight ways to cope with shame:^5,7

1. Accept Your Shame

Struggling against shame requires time and energy without yielding lasting results–you can increase productivity simply by accepting your emotions. Focusing on the sensation of shame allows you to ride the “wave” of emotion as it grows, crests, and subsides quickly.

2. Explore What Causes Your Shame

Finding the root of what fuels your shame can help you understand your experience better and have more self-compassion. You are much more likely to reduce self-criticism and judgment if you heal the underlying cause.

3. Keep a Journal

Negative self-talk is a habit many have without consciously realizing these thoughts. Journaling can help you slow down this process, examine your self-talk, challenge untrue and unhelpful beliefs, and soothe uncomfortable feelings.

4. Seek Social Support

Shame often happens when we feel isolated, and further seclusion only exacerbates internal judgments. Connecting with others in neutral or positive interactions gives your brain and self-esteem new evidence to develop a more positive, helpful self-narrative.

5. Learn Mindfulness Practices

Do not get sucked into negative and critical thoughts because they fuel, intensify, and prolong shame. Mindfulness techniques can help encourage you to remain in the present moment. Consider focusing on your breath, one or more of your five senses, or a specific task.

6. Be Vulnerable With Those You Trust

Being open, honest, and vulnerable with others can offer a healing and corrective emotional experience. Doing so prevents shame from building up, allowing you to feel less alone and isolated. For example, own your mistakes, avoid hiding your flaws, and ask for help when needed.

7. Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion involves becoming attuned and attentive to inner wants and needs rather than always putting the needs of others first. In addition, self-compassion teaches people to be more accepting of themselves by interrupting their inner critics with a gentle and understanding voice. Maintain this positive self-talk, even when you make mistakes or feel insecure.

8. Focus on What You Can Control

Think about what you can do now to repair, resolve, or solve a problem. Problem-solving prevents the “collapse” response common in people who feel ashamed, which can increase feelings of helplessness. Rather than focusing on past events, divert your attention to actions you can take to improve your life in the present and future.

When to Seek Professional Help

Therapy can benefit anyone working on self-improvement, even when underlying mental health issues are absent. In therapy, you can become more self-aware, address underlying issues contributing to your shame, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

Consider consulting a licensed therapist if you experience persistent, chronic, or debilitating shame. You can use an online therapist directory to find a therapist specializing in self-exploration and improvement. Help is available–you just need to take the leap.