Relationship satisfaction is connected to one’s quality of life. Oftentimes, sexual performance, wealth, appearance, and social status are prioritized; however, focusing on such characteristics alone is more likely to lead to unhealthy relationships. A healthy relationship is many things, including fun, based in trust and honesty, open to authenticity and autonomy, and rich with signs of affection and intimacy. However, there are other more nuanced details that also make up a good, fulfilling relationship.
1. Autonomy
Healthy relationships allow you to capitalize on your strengths as a couple while maintaining your own identity and interests that sparked the curiosity that drew you to one another. Curiosity can only exist if you maintain some mystery which is created with space, distance, and time apart.
Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW says, “Let each other know what you value, love, and respect about each other. Examine how you can achieve these goals together and separately. It is important you give each other space to grow and achieve personal goals knowing it can have a positive impact on your relationship together.”
Acceptance also means continuously celebrating your partner for who they were when they attracted you. Thus, Waichler says, “You make time to devote to your relationship by doing things you enjoy together. Mutually agree and understand that it is important to spend time independently pursuing personal interests and goals. Understand that the individual time will allow the other person to bring what they got from that experience back to your relationship and hopefully make it even stronger.”
Amy Sherman, MA, LMHC, encourages, “Individuals in a healthy relationship share many common interests and ideals, but there is an important aspect that truly makes the relationship healthy – and that is the ability to feel close even when you are apart. In other words, you are able to pursue outside interests, including separate friends, hobbies, schooling, etc. yet feel connected and committed to the person you are with. There are no restrictions, restraints or suspicions when you do your own thing because you know your partner is able to do the same.”
2. Authenticity
Shirley Porter, RP, RSW, CC, asserts that, “In a healthy relationship, we support each other in becoming the best versions of ourselves. This means we support each other in taking risks to learn, create, explore, and become. We provide each other with a safe and compassionate space to be authentic and know that we will be heard and valued as we are. We have each other’s back. When we behave in ways that are not respectful of ourselves, the relationship, or others – we will not ignore it, but rather will find the courage to address it in a respectful and honest way. We hold each other accountable – in a loving and forgiving manner.”
3. Intimacy
There are four common types of intimacy: emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and sexual. Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability and the sharing of our innermost fears, hopes, and disappointments, as well as the complex emotions that accompany them. Intellectual intimacy involves sharing ideas, innermost thoughts, dreams, and perspectives, even if they differ. Spiritual intimacy requires a commitment to something greater than yourselves, embracing change, seeking opportunities for growth, and facing innermost challenges together.
According to Chris Kraft, PhD, couples often experience the deterioration of intimacy after three or four years because they stop communicating about their sexual needs and desires.1 Austrian psychotherapist and author Esther Perel asserts that “Deep eroticism is intimate. Deep intimacy is erotic.“ Perel also suggests creating connections through play, sharing sexual fantasies, and maintaining novelty by trying new things.2
4. Shared Experiences
Investing time in each other, creating memories, and enjoying activities together can help strengthen the bond you have with your partner. Shared experiences do not have to involve grand gestures but can be as simple as trying a new restaurant, traveling to somewhere you haven’t been before, working on a project together, volunteering for a cause you both support, reading a book together, or taking classes to learn something new.
5. Common values
While popular culture suggests that opposites attract, the reality is that lacking common values often leads to conflict. Couples experience the greatest conflict over money, sex, and religion. Having similar beliefs in those areas is most likely to contribute to a healthier relationship.
When it comes to different religious beliefs or cultural perspectives, this can also affect the family life should you decide to have children. Be clear on your personal beliefs and understand how their origin, cultural background, and life experiences have shaped their values. This is essential for long-term relationship success.
6. Trust
Honesty and consistent actions are important to establishing trust. Trust also promotes security and safety, which promote greater openness. Without trust, it is difficult to form close, stable connections. If trust is broken, there needs to be a conscious and committed effort to reestablish it. Ultimately, trust requires time, consistent effort, and action.
7. Good Communication
Waichler suggests that one can and should have conversations and openly express their opinions. She says, “This is done without being judged or criticized. During the course of the conversation, you believe the other person heard you and tried to understand your position and they feel the same. You may not both agree at the end but you both got to say what you wanted and feel you were heard. You are not afraid to fight or express your opposing opinions or feelings.”
In the words of well-known author and researcher Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”3 Being able to clearly assert yourself using language that describes how something makes you feel versus blaming your partner for making you feel a certain way is crucial. Assertive communication decreases the likelihood of misunderstandings, conflicts, or arguments – and leads to a fairer resolution of conflict. Waichler reminds us, “Relationships are unhealthy when a person internalizes negative feelings. That creates feelings of anger or depression. Anger comes out at a time or in a way that does not produce a desirable result for either party.”
Bonus: Fun
Enjoying the company of your partner, sharing laughs, relaxing, and going on new adventures together can improve your bond. Finding humor in day-to-day life and not taking things too seriously can also contribute to decreased stress, improved mood, and improved intimacy. Having a fun relationship also helps build resiliency and decreases the likelihood of conflict.
10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
Among other things, when you do not have open communication in a relationship, many thoughts go left unsaid. Minor conflicts can escalate into unspoken resentments. Unspoken resentments fracture relationships, and so on.
Here are 10 signs of an unhealthy relationship:
- An unsupportive partner: Someone who is critical, judgmental, and discouraging
- The absence of trust: Someone who consistently displays jealousy, suspicion, and insecurity, or who lies constantly
- Lack of boundaries: Lacking respect for boundaries like personal space, expectations, needs, and wants; this person may guilt you into doing what they want vs. what you need
- Poor communication: Avoiding difficult conversations; there might be constant bickering without ever reaching resolution
- Trying to change each other: Someone who is not accepting of you as you are
- Possessiveness: A partner who tries to control you
- Incompatibility: No shared interests, goals, and conflicting values
- Lack of intimacy: Sexually, emotionally, and mentally
- Abuse: Physical, verbal, emotional, mental, or sexual abuse
- Letting conflict fester: Only discussing concerns when angry, fed up. and frustrated
10 Ways to Cultivate Healthy Relationships
If you’re dealing with any of the signs of an unhealthy relationship, there are ways to cultivate a healthier connection, including responsiveness, showing more affection, giving each other space, and respecting each other’s boundaries. If you’re starting a new relationship, these things can also help.
Here are 10 ways to cultivate a healthy relationship:
- Be responsive to your partner: When they speak, listen, reflect, ask questions, and show interest.
- Be attentive to your partner’s needs: Respond to simple requests such as, “Take out the trash,” or “Help me with the dishes.”
- Be kind: Offer meaningful compliments, appreciation, and expressions of affirmation. Perform acts of kindness (this could anything from buying their favorite snack to writing them a note or text just “because”)
- Show affection daily: Through non-sexual touch like hugging, handholding, rubbing your partner’s shoulders, and kissing when greeting and parting ways. Verbally express your emotions and love for one another, too
- Turn toward each other not away during times of conflict: During a conflict, use “I feel” statements instead of saying “You…”. Agree to fight fair, avoid yelling, name-calling, or weaponizing secrets, or vulnerabilities to hurt each other in the heat of the moment.
- Allow each other space: Autonomy allows you both to be the same people you were when you became attracted to each other in the beginning
- Share your sexual fantasies: Learn what pleases or satisfies your partner. Be willing to explore and try new things to maintain the novelty
- Respect your partner’s boundaries and opinions: Don’t try to change your partner or convince them to do things that you want them to do if it is not aligned with their interests, needs, or desires
- Commit to working on the growth and improvement of your relationship: Seek therapy early rather than waiting for a crisis to occur.
- Engage in meaningful, shared activities: These can include each other’s friends and family to help build a good support system.
Additional Resources
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
