17 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Here are seventeen signs of a healthy relationship:

1. Autonomy

Healthy relationships allow you to capitalize on your strengths as a couple while maintaining your own identity, including the interests that sparked your curiosity for one another in the first place. Curiosity only exists if you maintain some mystery, which is created with space, distance, and time apart.

“Individuals in a healthy relationship share many common interests and ideals, but there is an important aspect that truly makes the relationship healthy – and that is the ability to feel close even when you are apart. In other words, you are able to pursue outside interests, including separate friends, hobbies, schooling, etc., yet feel connected and committed to the person you are with.” – Amy Sherman, MA, LMHC

2. Authenticity

“In a healthy relationship, we support each other in becoming the best versions of ourselves. This means we support each other in taking risks to learn, create, explore, and become. We provide each other with a safe and compassionate space to be authentic and know that we will be heard and valued as we are.

We have each other’s back. When we behave in ways that are not respectful of ourselves, the relationship, or others – we will not ignore it, but rather will find the courage to address it in a respectful and honest way. We hold each other accountable – in a loving and forgiving manner.” – Shirley Porter, RP, RSW, CC

3. Honesty

Healthy relationships have a lot of honest conversations. Honest conversations are sometimes very difficult, but they need to be happening. Honesty is the backbone of emotional intimacy and trust in a relationship, and is needed to ensure both partners can rely on the other for emotional needs.

4. Kindness

Kindness is important for any relationship, personal or professional. Kindness is the simple act of being warm and considerate to someone else. These small acts build up positive feelings and give a relationship the kind of fuel it needs to keep running and moving forward. Kindness is something we learn as children, and over time, it can be hard to be kind to someone we are angry with, such as a partner, but kindness is the most critical in these moments.

5. Intimacy

There are four common types of intimacy: emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and sexual. Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability (e.g., the sharing of our innermost fears, hopes, and disappointments, as well as the complex emotions that accompany them).

Intellectual intimacy involves sharing ideas, innermost thoughts, dreams, and perspectives, even if they differ. Spiritual intimacy requires a commitment to something greater than yourselves, embracing change, seeking opportunities for growth, and facing innermost challenges together.

According to Chris Kraft, PhD, couples often experience the deterioration of intimacy after three or four years because they stop communicating about their sexual needs and desires.¹ Austrian psychotherapist and author Esther Perel asserts that “Deep eroticism is intimate. Deep intimacy is erotic.“ Perel also suggests creating connections through play, sharing sexual fantasies, and trying new things.²

6. Shared Experiences

Investing time in each other, creating memories, and enjoying activities together can help strengthen the bond you have with your partner. That said, shared experiences do not have to involve grand gestures; they can be as simple as trying a new restaurant, traveling somewhere you haven’t been before, working on a project together, volunteering for a cause you both support, or reading a book together.

7. Common Values

While popular culture suggests that opposites attract, the reality is that lacking common values often leads to conflict. Couples experience the greatest conflict over money, sex, and religion. Having similar beliefs in those areas is most likely to contribute to a healthier relationship.

When it comes to different religious beliefs or cultural perspectives, this can also affect the family life should you decide to have children. Be clear on your personal beliefs and understand how their origin, cultural background, and life experiences have shaped their values. This is essential for long-term relationship success.

8. Trust

Honesty and consistent actions are important to establishing trust. Trust also promotes security and safety, which in turn promote greater openness. Without trust, it is difficult to form close, stable connections. If trust is broken, there needs to be a conscious and committed effort to reestablish it. Ultimately, building trust in a relationship requires time, consistent effort, and action.

9. Respect

Respect is critical for healthy relationships. Respect can often go out the window when there is conflict, as some people manage conflict in unhealthy ways. Respect at all times, even when there is tension, is important, as it shows that your partner holds a great amount of value to you.

10. Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries in a relationship feel comforting, empowering, and safe for both partners. Green flags include respect for boundaries, compassion towards differing feelings and honesty shared in a responsible and kind manner.

Some indicators of healthy boundaries include:

• You communicate your needs and wants in a relationship, listen to your partner, and find a way to meet in the middle.
• You are comfortable saying no and leaving a situation that feels uncomfortable.
• You have a full life outside of the relationship and are able to lean on others for support.
• Your relationship is a safe space to share honestly when a boundary is crossed.

11. Healthy Conflict & Resolution

It can be hard to know how to handle relationship conflict, however, dealing with relationship conflict in a healthy way takes intention and practice. It also takes a great deal of self awareness and communication to make sure that appropriate expectations are being set during conflict, and fighting is fair. Healthy conflict, unlike unhealthy conflict, allows for kindness and respect to still be present.

12. Forgiveness

Forgiveness is critical for a relationship. Forgiveness is what will keep the bonds strong and allow partners to grow closer together over time. The act of forgiveness means being accepting of the other person’s flaws and accepting them as an imperfect human anyway.

13. Good Communication

Waichler suggests that one can and should openly express their opinions. She says, “This is done without being judged or criticized. During the course of the conversation, you believe the other person heard you and tried to understand your position and they feel the same. You may not both agree at the end, but you both got to say what you wanted and feel you were heard.”

In the words of well-known author and researcher Brene Brown, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”³ Being able to clearly assert yourself using language that describes how something makes you feel instead of blaming your partner for making you feel a certain way is crucial.

Assertive communication in a relationship decreases the likelihood of misunderstandings, conflicts, or arguments – and leads to a fairer resolution of conflict. Waichler reminds us, “Relationships are unhealthy when a person internalizes negative feelings. That creates feelings of anger or depression. Anger comes out at a time or in a way that does not produce a desirable result for either party.”

14. Having Fun Together

Enjoying the company of your partner, sharing laughs, relaxing, and going on new adventures together can improve your bond. Finding humor in day-to-day life and not taking things too seriously can also contribute to decreased stress, improved mood, and improved intimacy. Having a fun relationship also helps build resiliency and decreases the likelihood of conflict.

15. Mutual Commitment

Mutual commitment is important for any relationship to thrive long term. A relationship requires two parties to work, and when there is an imbalance, it is felt by one of the partners, if not both. Mutual commitment means that both parties are working together towards a common goal and are equally invested in the growth of the relationship. There will be days when your partner may not be able to match your energy, however that doesn’t mean they are not mutually committed—it means that as humans we do our best to keep a balance and some days that can be harder. Having kindness and mutual support during those times are important.

16. Shared Support for Personal Goals

“Let each other know what you value, love, and respect about each other. Examine how you can achieve these goals together and separately. It is important you give each other space to grow and achieve personal goals knowing it can have a positive impact on your relationship together.” – Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW

17. Support From Loved Ones

It’s important for people to have support from their family and friends when in a relationship. It is helpful to have that community for general sharing of milestones within the relationship and also creating relationships among significant people in both people’s lives. This also gives external support to each individual in a relationship, which is also important, as everyone needs a strong support system outside of romantic relationships as well.

11 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

Among other things, when you do not have open communication in a relationship, many thoughts go left unsaid. Minor conflicts can escalate into unspoken resentments. Unspoken resentments fracture relationships, and so on.

Here are 11 signs of an unhealthy relationship:

1. An unsupportive partner: Someone who is critical, judgmental, and discouraging
2. The absence of trust: Someone who consistently displays jealousy, suspicion, and insecurity, or who lies constantly
3. Lack of boundaries: Lacking respect for boundaries that have be set like personal space, expectations, needs, and wants; this person may guilt you into doing what they want vs. what you need
4. Poor communication: Avoiding difficult conversations; there might be a lack of communication or constant bickering without ever reaching resolution
5. Trying to change each other: Someone who is not accepting of you as you are
6. Possessiveness: A partner who tries to control you
7. Incompatibility: No shared interests, goals, and conflicting values
8. Lack of intimacy: Sexually, emotionally, and mentally
9. Abuse: Physical, verbal, emotional abuse, mental, or sexual abuse
10. Letting conflict fester: Only discussing concerns when angry, fed up. and frustrated
11. Attention-seeking relationship: You find yourself wondering if you like your partner or just the attention

10 Ways to Cultivate Healthy Relationships

If you’re dealing with any of the signs of an unhealthy relationship, there are ways to cultivate a healthier connection, including responsiveness, showing more affection, giving each other space, and respecting each other’s boundaries. There are also a number of apps, like the Lasting App, that can offer helpful tools and best practices for you and your partner to engage in together. If you’re starting a new relationship, these things can also help.

Here are 10 ways to cultivate a healthy relationship:

1. Be responsive to your partner: When they speak, listen, reflect, ask questions, and show interest.
2. Be attentive to your partner’s needs: Respond to simple requests such as, “Take out the trash,” or “Help me with the dishes.”
3. Be kind: Offer meaningful compliments, appreciation, and expressions of affirmation. Perform acts of kindness (this could anything from buying their favorite snack to writing them a note or text just “because”)
4. Show affection daily: Through non-sexual touch like hugging, hand-holding, rubbing your partner’s shoulders, and kissing when greeting and parting ways. Verbally express your emotions and love for one another, too
5. Turn toward each other not away during times of conflict: When a conflict arises in your relationship, use “I feel” statements instead of saying “You…”. Agree to fight fair, avoid yelling, name-calling, or weaponizing secrets, or vulnerabilities to hurt each other in the heat of the moment.
6. Allow each other space: Autonomy allows you both to be the same people you were when you became attracted to each other in the beginning
7. Share your sexual fantasies: Learn what pleases or satisfies your partner. Be willing to explore and try new things to maintain the novelty
8. Respect your partner’s boundaries and opinions: Don’t try to change your partner or convince them to do things that you want them to do if it is not aligned with their interests, needs, or desires
9. Commit to working on the growth and improvement of your relationship: Seek therapy early rather than waiting for a crisis to occur.
10. Engage in meaningful, shared activities: These can include each other’s friends and family to help build a good support system.

How to Find a Couples Therapist

If you’re ready to work on your relationship to make it healthier, working with a couples therapist is a great way to begin. Consider starting your search through an online therapist directory. You can search through bios and read up on clinicians to learn more about them and make calls as a couple to see if they are a good fit.

Final Thoughts

Thinking about what makes a relationship healthy and what a healthy relationship means for you and your partner are important things to discuss. Healthy relationships are not perfect, they are just handled with some of the attributes discussed above. If you are having issues with one or more of these, it doesn’t mean your relationship is inherently unhealthy, it just means that it needs some work which is absolutely manageable with a couples therapist. You too can have a healthy, fulfilled relationship.