What Does it Mean to Be Allosexual?

What Is the Meaning of Allosexual?

As mentioned above, Allosexual is a term used to describe those who have sexual attraction to others. This means, anyone of any sexual orientation can be allosexual. The term often confuses people because it doesn’t describe who you’re attracted to, like most sexual orientation terms, and instead focuses on the fact that you have sexual attraction. Many find it helpful to think of allosexual on the opposite end of the sexuality spectrum to asexual.¹

Allosexual Vs. Asexual

People who are asexual experience little or no sexual attraction to others or have limited to little desire for sexual contact. While not all asexual folks are repulsed or refuse sex 100% of the time, they do not experience sexual attraction in the same way those who are not asexual do. Those who are allosexual do experience sexual attraction to others and do have desire for sexual contact.

Allosexual Vs. Graysexuality

Graysexual individuals don’t identify as asexual, but also feel less sexual attraction than most folks. Therefore, they fall into the gray area of sexuality. It can be helpful to think of graysexual as a part of the spectrum between asexuality and allosexuality. Graysexuality could be seen as moving up the spectrum towards allosexual since these folks feel less sexual attraction than allosexual folks, but more than asexual people.

Allosexual Vs. Demisexuality

A person who is demisexual often feels sexual attraction after building an emotional bond or connection with someone. Those who are demisexual note they do not feel immediately attracted to individuals based on looks, smell, and other features. Demisexual folks could still identify as allosexual since they do have sexual attraction to others, but it’s important not to assume the terms are interchangeable or the same, or that all demisexual people feel this way.

What is the History of the Term Allosexual?

For most of history “sexual” was used to speak about anyone who wasn’t asexual. But, sexual means sexually active and that is different from describing sexual attraction. Also, stating people are either sexual or not is too limiting, since both asexual folks and allosexual folks can have sex or can choose not to have sex The term allosexual was coined as an inclusive way to speak about sexuality instead of using phrases like “abnormal” or “normal” when describing asexual folks’ sexuality.

Reasons for using the term allosexual instead of sexual include:

• Not wanting to sexualize the person: Calling someone sexual can imply you see them as a sex object. This may be harmful to people who’ve experienced sexual assault or do not see their sex life as the most important aspect of their lives, relationships, etc.
• People don’t always understand the term ‘sexuality’: Sexual and sexuality are confusing and do not do the best job at distinguishing between sex practices, preferences, and sexual attraction.
• Sexual implies sexual activity: The problem with this is, some allosexual folks may not be sexually active, but can still be sexually attracted to others.
• Makes conversations easier: When we aren’t implying people who don’t have sex are abnormal and those who do are normal, it’s easier to engage in healthy and inclusive conversation.
• A great form of allyship: Having knowledge about sex vs. sexual attraction can show those of the LGBTQ+, kink, or poly communities you are trying to educate yourself about sex and sexuality. This may make people feel more comfortable speaking about their own sex and sexuality with you.

Signs You May Be Allosexual

You are likely allosexual if you aren’t asexual, but sexuality is fluid and it’s always possible for sexuality to change and evolve over time. Also, sexuality exists on a spectrum for many. This means what may feel right today may change, which is okay. A label doesn’t have to be permanent, but can be a useful way to describe your thoughts and feelings to others.

Signs you may be allosexual include:

• You have sexual fantasies about specific people
• You enjoy having sex with someone you’re sexually attracted to
• Developing sexual crushes on people
• Understanding people who describe feelings of sexual attraction
• You generally enjoy sexual contact with others
• Sexual feelings partly drive you desire to get to know or be with someone
• You desire romantic relationships that include sex

How to Know if Allosexual is the Right Term for You

The following questions can be a helpful way to think more about your sexuality and if being allosexual fits for you. There’s no right or wrong answer, and there are plenty of people who are sexually attracted to others who do not use the term allosexual.

Here are questions to ask yourself to determine whether allosexual is the right term for you:

• What are your feelings about sex? Is this something you feel is exciting or desirable? If sex is something you do enjoy, or feel like you would enjoy you are likely allosexual.
• Do you feel comfortable engaging in sex with others? While it’s normal to feel nervous or uncomfortable about sex at times, if you generally feel comfortable with sex, you could describe yourself as allosexual.
• Is sex something that is important to have in a romantic relationship? When you think about dating or having a relationship with someone, is sex something you feel is a “non-negotiable” part of this relationship? Many people who are allosexual see sex as an important part of a relationship.
• Do you experience sexual attraction? How often? Gauging how often you feel sexually attracted to others can help you see how frequent these thoughts or feelings are. This can help you decide if describing yourself as allosexual feels like the most appropriate for you.
• Do you genuinely want and enjoy sex or do you feel pressured into wanting it and trying to enjoy it? If you feel pressured, disinterested in sex, or as if it’s not enjoyable for you it may be helpful to think more about the relationship/s you are engaging in. Are the expectations unrealistic or is what you are engaging in pleasurable to you? Are the relationships healthy? If you feel the relationship is not the problem and sex is the primary problem, you may not be allosexual.
• How do you prefer to show affection? Is sex part of it? If sex is an important part of your affection, you could likely describe yourself as allosexual.

What Should You Do If You No Longer Identify As Allosexual?

As mentioned above, sexuality can change and is not set in stone. Many people experience changes to their sexuality throughout their lives and this is normal, but this doesn’t make it any less distressing. It can be scary when you start to recognize your sexuality has changed. Historically, asexuality or anything other than being allosexual, is often seen as a problem. People assume there must be something wrong with them if they start to experience less sexual attraction to others, but this is not true and it’s okay!

It’s also important to note that sometimes decreased sexual attraction can come from stress, trauma, depression, and anxiety. If you feel like a decrease in sexual desire is related to your mental or physical health, it’s always important to reach out to a medical or mental health professional.

Some steps to take if you no longer identify as allosexual may include:

• Connect with a local LGBTQIA+ community
• Research graysexuality, demisexuality, or asexuality online
• Find and participate in online forums or platforms like Facebook groups, or an online support group, etc.
• Process your thoughts and emotions with a therapist, you can find the right therapist using an online therapist directory
• Rule out other factors that could lead to decreased desires for sex such as starting a new medication, depression, anxiety, a health condition, or an unhealthy relationship
• Engage in masturbation or fantasizing to see how your thoughts and desires may have changed
• Take a break from sex and engage in other activities
• Don’t panic or belittle yourself

How to Talk to Your Loved Ones About Allosexuality

Deciding to talk to others about your sexuality is a personal decision, and you don’t have to tell anyone or explain yourself to anybody. But for some, being open about their sexuality helps them to live more authentically.  Keep in mind, this is a coming out  journey, and you may benefit from the support of a trusted friend or therapist through the process.

Final Thoughts

There is a spectrum of sexuality and it can often seem confusing.  If you have continued questions about changing from asexual to allosexual, allosexual to asexual, or any other sexual orientation on the spectrum, it may be valuable to speak with an affirming therapist. There are also resources online and available support groups.