How to Come Out

What Does It Mean to Come Out?

In its simplest form, coming out is merely letting others in your life in on something you already know about yourself. In this guide, coming out will refer to both sexual orientation and gender identity. Sexual orientation can include your sexual, romantic, physical, or emotional attraction to men, women, or nonbinary people, and can refer to your behavior or identity and how you see yourself.¹ Gender identity describes your internal experience of yourself as female, male, both, or neither.

If there are many different sexual orientations and gender identities, why does anyone have to “come out” as bisexual, lesbian, or gay? You may notice that your straight friends have never “come out” as being heterosexual or as their sex assigned at birth. Traditionally, cultures have assumed a “heteronormative” view of the world, meaning that everyone is straight unless they tell you otherwise. Coming out is the conversation where you’re able to differentiate who you are from those traditionally held views.

Potential Stages of Coming Out

You may experience one, some, or all of the stages of coming out:²

• Identity confusion: Feeling unsure of your sexual attraction
• Identity comparison: Weighing various outcomes of coming out,
• Identity tolerance: Beginning to admit to yourself that you may be LGBTQ+
• Identity acceptance: Increasing activity within the LGBTQ+ community
• Identity pride: Actively identifying and engaging with the LGBTQ+ community
• Identity synthesis: Sexual orientation becomes on aspect of your identity integrated with all the other things that make you who you are

Tips for How to Come Out

For most people, coming out requires careful planning to make sure you are able to tell trusted people and feel accepted. While certain events such as the 2015 U.S. Supreme Court decision to legalize gay marriage and the repeal of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ increased societal approval of LGBTQ+ rights, coming out is not always met with individual approval.

Before coming out, you may want to consider the following:

1. Don’t Feel Pressured to Come Out to Everyone at Once

Coming out is a very personal choice, and you have a say as to when and how you’ll go about it. Once your mind is made up, don’t feel like you must tell the entire world. Instead, try telling one person first, like a close friend or family member—someone who you know cares about you, is open-minded, and compassionate. From there, you can decide which groups of people in your life should know.

2. Don’t Label Yourself If You Don’t Want To

We are all unique in our experiences and not everyone fits distinctly into one category. It’s totally normal to not quite understand every single aspect of your identity which you might still be trying to figure out. That’s why you do not have to label yourself if you don’t want to. This is your personal journey, and you can come out on your own terms in whatever way feels right for you. At the same time, you can take this opportunity to reflect, explore, and think through your emotions to better understand yourself before you put yourself into any specific boxes.

3. Read About How Others Have Come Out

Researching, reading, and educating yourself about how others have come out can be useful in so many ways. Learning about other people’s experiences, struggles, challenges, and victories can provide you with some perspective as well as prepare you for possible hurdles you may face along the way. You may also come to find an array of resources, support groups, affirming communities, and so much more as you navigate this process and find a place to be your genuine self.

4. Prepare for a Variety of Reactions

Everyone reacts differently to new information. Depending on your relationship with the person to whom you choose to disclose, you may encounter joy and acceptance, confusion, or even anger.

5. Know Your Boundaries Beforehand

There’s a good chance someone will ask you questions — a lot of them. Prepare beforehand for what you will answer and how to respectfully decline to answer other questions.

6. Consider the Timing and Context

Ask yourself, “Should I be sitting down for this?” Know your audience, and prepare to tell them at a time and location of your choosing. You can also text them or facetime if that feels more comfortable for you.

7. Make Sure People You Tell Know Who It’s OK to Share With

Whenever you share personal information there’s a risk that it could leak to people you don’t want to know. As such, make sure that whoever you come out to has the maturity to respect your privacy and keep the news to themselves. If you don’t want your parents or certain friends to find out, ensure that the person you’re confiding in truly understands your wishes and honors them.

8. Give Someone Time If They Don’t Respond Well

If someone responds differently from what you had anticipated, give them space to digest the news. This doesn’t mean that you’re not ready or that you’re wrong. Perhaps this took them by surprise, was unexpected, or their own life-experiences are factors influencing them. Just like it took time for you to come out, it may also take the people you told a while before they come around. And while there may be some that won’t be accepting, those who are supportive will eventually show up for you.

9. Know Where to Find Support

Reactions can be unpredictable, so make sure there’s somewhere you can go to regroup and find support, whether to your friends, family, or your therapist. Finding an LGBTQ+ therapist can be an important step.

Examples of What to Say When Coming Out

If you’ve been thinking about coming out, you’re probably wondering what to say. It can be difficult to know where to start, but here are some examples:

• “After much thinking and doing my own research, I have come to the conclusion that I am pansexual, meaning that I am attracted to people of any gender.”
• “You’re an important person in my life and I want to share that I’m bisexual and it would mean a lot if you were supportive of me.”
• “What I am about to tell you may or may not take you by surprise, but I am a lesbian and I am only attracted to women.”
• “Since I was a kid, I’ve always felt like I was in the wrong body, and I just want to let you know that I’ve made a decision to fully transition from female to male.”

How to Come Out to Friends

You may learn who your true friends are when you come out. Those who stick by your side and support you on your journey, whatever it may be, are likely those you want around. Think about what you know of your friends. Do they always have to be the one to spill the tea? Or maybe they keep secrets like a vault and would never think to share anything you didn’t want them to.

Consider whom you want to come out to first. Do you want it to be your best friend? A friend may have questions about whether your sexual attraction is toward them. Your crush? If you come out to someone you’re attracted to first, consider the possibility of rejection, how that could make you feel, and how you’d get over it.

How to Come Out to Family Members

Which family member feels safest? Consider whom you have a strong bond with. Maybe that’s a grandparent, a parent, an uncle, or a sibling. How do they engage the LGBTQ+ community? Is it with acceptance, avoidance, indifference? You don’t have to disclose it to every single person in your family.

Parents often find themselves grieving and thinking differently about their own futures after their child comes out, such as attending a traditional wedding or fearing that your life may be worse off. Parents may struggle in their own ways with how to tell their own friends about your coming out and will have to go through a process of acceptance.³

Siblings may react with shock or happiness and acceptance with the potential for a closer sibling relationship.⁴ Depending on your phase of life, you may need to consider disclosure to a spouse. In a committed relationship, your spouse may react with shock, concern, fear, anger, or any other number of reactions.⁵

Coming Out at School

When coming out at school, it’s important to consider the context: public or private school, religious or non-religious, or rural or urban. Pick a safe teacher, administrator, school counselor or other adult at school whom you trust and ask to have a one-on-one conversation with them. Whether you need accommodations at school or simply need a safe person who knows that you’re in the process of coming out, it can be helpful to have an authority figure in your corner.

If you’re coming out to friends at school or in your classes, know that everyone will react individually. Anticipate that some people may say or do hurtful things, but also consider that you may find some unexpected allies who will come alongside you.

Coming Out at Work

Coming out at work is also highly context-dependent. Talking to an HR representative may be the best place to start, so that you know what is expected of you and so that if you encounter negative reactions from coworkers, HR has a head’s up that you’re in the process of coming out.

Rather than having to explain a situation while feeling emotional, it could be helpful to have looped in the people in charge of providing a safe, healthy, and positive working environment.

Questions That May Come Up & How to Respond

You will likely encounter a wide assortment of questions and responses when you come out. Remember to establish your boundaries of what questions you will or won’t answer firmly in place before beginning a conversation about your coming out. A canned response of, “I don’t feel comfortable answering that question right now” should suffice, too.

How Do You Know You’re X (Gay, Trans Queer, Etc.)? Are You Sure?

Answer: Be as straight with them as you want (pun intended). Perhaps as a young boy, you always loved wearing dresses around the house. Or maybe, you’ve only ever experienced sexual attraction for someone who matches your own gender.

That’s Against Our Religion

Answer: I’m not going to debate religion with you right now. I just want you to know that I’m X.

How Does This Impact Our Relationship?

Answer: This one’s up to you. One example answer may be, “This doesn’t have to impact our relationship. I just wanted you to know the real me, and I’d like for our friendship to continue on as it always has been.”

How Can I Support You?

Answer: “Having you listen and accept me for me is the most supportive thing you can do right now.” Or maybe, “It’d be really awesome if you could ____ while I’m in the process of coming out to others.” Fill in that blank however you want: check in on me, go with me to tell my parents, or so forth.

Reconciling Sexuality & Spirituality

Historically, spirituality and/or religion in the lives of sexual minorities has been associated with negative implications, as many LGBTQ+ folks have faced discrimination due to strict religious doctrines. Places of worship may not be the first thing that comes to mind if you’re looking for support and guidance. While discrimination against the LGBTQ+ community still exists in some of these institutions, the number of religious branches embracing and welcoming queer individuals continues to grow.

To date, almost all faith practices have some form of queer-affirming branch. You can practice your faith and don’t have to lose conviction because of your sexuality or gender identity. In the same way that religion and spirituality can be an important aspect in someone’s life and overall well being, it’s equally essential for many LGBTQ+ folks as well. In fact, a recent study of gay and bisexual men suggested that spirituality and various elements of religion can be linked with good mental health outcomes and an increase in positive coping.⁶

Safety Planning If Coming Out Doesn’t Go Well

If coming out doesn’t go well and you feel like your wellbeing may be at risk, you may want to set up a safety plan in case you need shelter, food, transportation, or other forms of assistance. For example, if there’s a possibility that you may be kicked out of your home or the people you live with threaten you, look for an LGBTQ+ affirming organization in your area that may help you with shelter and other basic needs, or you can also arrange to stay with a trustworthy and supportive friend for a while.

Additionally, if you are in a crisis, feeling suicidal, or just need a compassionate person to vent or talk to, you can contact an organization like The Trevor Project at 866-488-7386. They believe your safety is of utmost importance and are there 24/7 to offer support, guidance and resources to help with what you are going through.

If you are being discriminated against at your place of work, you can reach out to the human resources department and speak to someone about what’s going on. If you live in the United States and your employer discriminates against you, you have the right to file a formal complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC).

Advice for When a Loved One Comes Out to You

If someone has just come out to you, it’s fine for you to be surprised, but for right now, focus on the emotions of the person who trusted you enough to tell you something important about themselves. It takes a lot of vulnerability and courage to talk about such deeply personal topics. It’s so hard that a Yale study found that 83% of lesbian, gay, or bisexual people stay closeted from most or all people.⁷

Ask them about their own experiences, what the process of realizing their new identity or orientation has been for them, and what it is like to share that with you. Show them that you’re listening without judgment and that you care. If you’re the parent, know that your own reaction is often predictive of your future relationship; often, a positive reaction begets a positive relationship afterward, whereas a negative reaction may guide the relationship in a negative direction.⁸ Supporting your trans or gender nonconforming youth may be hard, but they’re still your child.

Just be. Just be a friend, parent, teacher, spouse, sibling. Whatever role you play in this person’s life, it’s clearly an important one. They trusted you enough to disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity to you. There’s nothing you need to fix or solve right now. Nothing has to change. All relationships change, grow, evolve, or devolve over time. But right now, the person coming out to you needs you to just be with them.