What Does It Mean to Be Graysexual?

What Is the Meaning of Graysexual?

There are many sexual orientations on the sexuality spectrum and there can even be sexual orientations within an orientation. Graysexuality falls within the asexuality spectrum. Graysexuality is a sexual orientation which falls between asexuality and allosexuality.

Asexuality refers to a sexual orientation where people don’t feel sexual attraction, while allosexuality refers to a sexual orientation where people do feel sexual attraction. Those who identify as graysexual will still have different experiences and preferences from one another.¹

Graysexual Vs. Asexual

Graysexual is a term for someone who identifies as asexual but doesn’t fit into the main types of asexuality. Graysexual individuals can have sexual desire and act on sexual desire. Those who identify as graysexual may also identify with a desired gender-specific identity as well, such as bisexuality and homosexuality.

Greysexual people commonly fall into one of the following three major types of asexuality:¹

• Sex-repulsed: Sex-repulsed is the experience someone has where they are turned-off by sexual behaviors. People who are sex-repulsed have a deep uninterest in sexual intimacy.
• Sex-neutral: Where someone feels indifferent to sexual stimuli and sexuality in general they may be sex-neutral. They may not find sex very pleasurable or satisfying, but will engage for their partner.
• Sex-positive: This term can carry different meanings for different people, however sex-positive refers to when someone is open to and enjoys partaking in sexual activities.

What Is the Difference Between Graysexuality and Demisexuality?

Demisexuality refers to people who have sexual desires only after they form an emotional connection with them. Given that they need to feel an emotional bond prior to a connection, it is possible that some demisexual individuals don’t experience any other type of attraction. Other types of attractions experienced by graysexuality individuals include physical, spiritual and sexual attraction. Those who identify as panromantic demisexual may feel romantically attracted to any gender and will only be able to feel sexual attraction after they form an emotional bond.²

Signs You May Be Graysexual

There is no one way to uncover if you may be graysexual as everyone experiences this differently. There are some common experiences which can relate to a lot of people who identify as graysexual. They may feel that they don’t relate to asexuality totally and don’t relate to allosexuality either, and may fall somewhere in-between on the spectrum.

Common scenarios that may indicate you identify with graysexuality include:³

• You very rarely feel sexual attraction
• You experience extremely weak sexual attraction
• You find it difficult to determine if you are sexually attracted
• You are more attracted to one specific gender

Misconceptions About Graysexuality

There are many myths and misconceptions around graysexuality. Sexual identities in general are not often talked about as they are considered taboo in society, however it is important to discuss the myths and destigmatize this orientation. There can be a lot of confusion about your identity if you are not sure about your sexual orientation and that can make dating more challenging. Graysexuality is more common than people think.

Here are common myths about graysexuality:³

• Graysexuals don’t enjoy sex
• Graysexuals don’t identify as heterosexual
• Graysexuals always need an emotional connection
• Graysexuals are not interested in romance
• Graysexuals have a low libido

How Graysexuality Works in Relationships

Graysexual people can have successful relationships and it can look different for everyone. The most important part of any relationship is the feeling of mutual love and respect and creating a safe space together where you can share and be vulnerable. This also involves a lot of communication, empathy and patience as you learn from one another. It is important that couples talk about their desire for sexual intimacy and what that looks like for both people.

It is possible that one person may not be interested in a sexual relationship, and the needs of the other person may differ. Some people find ways to meet needs by opening up their relationship into ethical non-monogamous relationships.

Some who are graysexual may experience various types of attraction to others:

• Romantic attraction is possible for many
• Aesthetic attraction is reserved for those who may find someone visually physically attractive
• Sensual attraction is aimed more on the physical touch aspects of attraction such as cuddling or kissing

It is important to talk about your experiences with romance and romantic desires to make sure everyone is on the same page around expectations within the relationship.⁴

Other Sexual Orientations Greysexual People May Identify With

People may not consider graysexuality as their primary or only sexuality and it’s common to identify with multiple labels. All sexuality and asexuality is on a spectrum and it is important to understand that as people, we can move along this continuum. Those who identify as asexual or graysexual may also identify as demisexual, bisexual, pansexual, lesbian, gay, queer and straight.²

Romantic Attraction & Greysexuality

Sexual and romantic identities aren’t always linked and there are just as many romantic orientations as there are sexual orientations. There is a difference between sexual attraction and low libido when it comes to graysexuality and romantic feelings. It is possible to identify as graysexual and have some sexual attraction, however you can also be aromantic and not experience any romantic desire. People can be demiromantic and experience romantic desire only after they have an emotional bond and also identify as graysexual and have some sexual desire. It is important to note that identifying as graysexual also doesn’t preclude having low-libido.⁴

How to Talk to Your Loved Ones About Graysexuality

It can be challenging for some to know when or how to talk to their loved ones about their graysexuality. It is important to make sure you feel you are sharing this information for yourself and that you are being intentional about your reasons why you are choosing now to come out. There is no wrong or right time, and no right or wrong way to do this as long as you are being true to yourself and honoring your emotions. It is your decision to choose to share this with people and working with a therapist or within a support group can be a helpful support space as you walk on this journey.⁵

How to Support Someone Who is Graysexual

There are many things you can do to support a friend or loved one who is graysexual. It is important that you show up for them in the way that they need and that you are understanding of their boundaries and needs as they learn about themselves and find ways to live more authentically.

You can help support LGBTQIA+ people with the following steps:

• Listen. Stay open-minded and listen to other’s experiences. Show compassion and empathy and validate their emotions.
• Learn. Stay informed and learn about current issues within the LGBTQIA+ community. Read books, memoirs, attend events and learn about the community. It is important that you participate in this way.
• Speak Up. Help educate others and don’t be afraid to speak up when someone makes offensive comments against others. Be outspoken and help to break that stigma.
• Support Equality. Sign petitions or support politicians and policies that protect the LGBTQIA+ community from discrimination. It is important that people are seen in this way.

Final Thoughts on Graysexuality

What you are dealing with is unique to you, but you are not alone. We encourage you to work through your feelings of confusion and uncertainty and seek out an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist from an online therapist directory or trusted friend/loved one. Together you and your therapist can come up with a plan to learn how to communicate this to others, live in confidence and improve your overall wellbeing and quality of life.