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Discernment Counseling: How It Works, Costs, & What to Expect

Published: September 20, 2022 Updated: April 26, 2023
Published: 09/20/2022 Updated: 04/26/2023
Headshot of Nicole Arzt, LMFT
Written by:

Nicole Arzt

LMFT
Headshot of Naveed Saleh, MD, MS
Reviewed by:

Naveed Saleh

MD, MS
  • What Is Discernment Counseling?Definition
  • What Can Discernment Counseling Help With?How It Helps
  • Examples of Discernment CounselingExamples
  • Potential Outcomes of Discernment CounselingOutcomes
  • How Much Does Discernment Therapy Cost?Cost
  • How to Find a Discernment CounselorHow to Find
  • What to Expect at Your First SessionWhat to Expect
  • Is Discernment Counseling Effective?Effectiveness
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Discernment Counseling InfographicsInfographics
Headshot of Nicole Arzt, LMFT
Written by:

Nicole Arzt

LMFT
Headshot of Naveed Saleh, MD, MS
Reviewed by:

Naveed Saleh

MD, MS

Discernment counseling refers to a specific type of counseling that helps couples decide whether or not they want to continue their relationship. It can be especially effective when one partner wishes to leave the relationship while the other partner desires to stay together. Discernment counseling tends to be brief (typically five sessions) and while costs vary, you can expect to pay around $150 per hour.

Whether you’re trying to move on or rebuild a relationship, a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

What Is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment counseling helps mixed-agenda couples identify and understand viable options for their relationship.1 Different from divorce counseling, it is specifically beneficial for clients who identify as “unsure” or “in limbo” about breaking up or getting a divorce. In some cases, it helps couples commit to staying together or revisit separation at a later date.

History of Discernment Counseling

Discernment therapy was coined by a professor by the name of Dr. William Doherty who worked at the University of Minnesota. There he worked with many divorce lawyers to understand the thought processes of individuals going through divorce and found that many people who filed for divorce were actually not sure they wanted a divorce.

What’s the Goal of Discernment Counseling?

The overarching goal of discernment counseling is to support clients struggling with divorce ambivalence. It helps couples choose the next step in their relationship. Sometimes, this means ending the relationship. Other times, it means committing to trying to salvage it. Therapists usually work with clients to collaborate on a shared goal—stay married, seek a divorce, or commit to couples counseling for at least six months.

Discernment Counseling vs. Couples Therapy

Unlike couples therapy, discernment counseling focuses exclusively on working through ambivalence and toward acceptance—not specific issues. Furthermore, it does not assume that there is a right or wrong way to proceed. Couples receive clarity and confidence about where they want to take their relationship and get on the same page about their goals. Your counselor can also provide valuable tools for how to keep moving forward and appropriate referrals for ongoing care.

What Can Discernment Counseling Help With?

Discernment counseling helps with indecisiveness about staying together. If the couple feels like they’re at a standstill, it offers practical solutions. While it’s not about fixing the relationship, it does help couples decide whether they want to fix things. For example, if children are involved, one person might be hesitant to end the relationship. Some couples may feel a great deal of uncertainty about a marriage after an affair. Or, if it comes down to splitting significant assets, they might be worried about financial repercussions.

Who Is It Right For?

Couples struggling with how to move forward can benefit from discernment therapy. If they aren’t on the same page, it can be a significant step before pursuing traditional counseling. This form of counseling doesn’t assume that divorce is a failure or that staying together is a success. It operates under the assumption that couples can feel empowered to make a collaborative decision about their future.

Limitations of Discernment Therapy

Discernment counseling is inappropriate in cases of domestic violence or imminent crisis related to suicidal thoughts, substance misuse, or child abuse. In these cases, safety becomes the priority, and both partners will typically receive a referral for individual therapy or a higher level of care.

Discernment counseling is also inappropriate when:

  • Someone has already decided they plan to leave. If this happens, both may benefit from individual therapy.
  • One partner is coercing or begging the other to attend. Both parties should be willing and engaged in the process.
  • Couples have already committed to working on their relationship. If that’s the case, they can pursue couples therapy.

Examples of Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling works primarily with ambivalence, disagreement about the future, feeling “out of love,” or specific issues like wanting to stay for the kids.

Here are three examples of discernment therapy:

One Partner Wants to Leave While the Other Wants to Stay

This dynamic is one of the most common reasons couples seek discernment counseling. Many times, partners feel differently about the relationship. One partner may feel detached and ready to move on. The other may feel anxious and want to make things work. Discernment therapy can help them feel more proactive about the future. If divorce is imminent, it can help both partners feel better prepared.

Feeling “Out of Love”

It’s normal for couples to feel like they have drifted apart or no longer love each other as the years pass. Discernment counseling can help them commit to try to restore their love. It can also help them decide whether ending the relationship is a better option.

Wanting to Stay for the Kids

Although divorce has become more accepted in mainstream society, many couples still hesitate to end the relationship if they have children together. Discernment counseling can tackle some of this uncertainty. Staying in an unhappy marriage can have a detrimental impact on children, so determining whether you want to commit to either working it out or ending it, and keeping your children informed about divorce, is crucial.2

Potential Outcomes of Discernment Counseling

There can be varying outcomes for those who seek discernment counseling:

Attending Couples Counseling to Work Through Issues

Sometimes discernment counseling can help couples realize they are both committed to working through the relationship issues and wind up going to couples counseling to learn how to manage problems and move forward together.

Get a Divorce

Discernment counseling can also lead to divorce, where one or both partners may come to the conclusion that the marriage is not something they want to continue investing in.

Maintain the Status Quo

Another outcome of discernment counseling is continued feelings of limbo and confusion about what steps they should take and what to do next, remaining in the same situation. Discernment counseling may still help them improve their communication and get a better understanding of what the problem is.

Recovering From Infidelity Or A Betrayal Of Trust

Individual Therapy – Whether you’re trying to move on or rebuild a relationship, a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Visit BetterHelp


Couples Therapy – Work together to restore trust and rekindle loving feelings. Video and text based couples counseling start at $50 per week. Try Online-Therapy


OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Our Relationship, and Online-Therapy.

How Much Does Discernment Therapy Cost?

Discernment counseling usually costs more than individual therapy; however, because it is brief, the overall treatment cost may be less. Discernment counseling fees generally range between $120-$350. Cost fluctuates based on the therapist’s location, level of expertise, and length of each session. Keep in mind that all mental health services typically cost more in geographical areas with a higher cost of living.

Insurance rarely covers couple or discernment counseling. That’s because insurance only covers treatment that meets medical necessity in treating a verified psychiatric diagnosis.3 In some cases, insurers may cover couples counseling if the demand for counseling is directly related to an individual’s psychiatric diagnosis. That said, this rarely applies to discernment counseling.

How to Find a Discernment Counselor

When looking for a discernment counselor, it’s worth asking friends and family whether they have any recommendations. Or, if you’re in individual therapy, ask your current therapist for a referral. If you’ve already met with a divorce attorney—but are still on the fence about divorce—the lawyer may have referrals, too. You can also use an online therapist directory where you can sort by location and specialty.

As mentioned, these counselors are not couples therapists, although some couples therapists provide discernment counseling services.

Who Is Able to Offer Discernment Counseling?

Mental health professionals with a qualifying license can provide discernment counseling. When searching for a prospective clinician, consider looking for someone with training from the Doherty Relationship Institute.

Questions to Ask a Discernment Counselor

When thinking about pursuing discernment counseling, consider asking your potential counselor about their experience and training, among other things.

Here are seven questions to ask a discernment counselor:

  1. What experience do you have with discernment counseling?
  2. What specific training do you have with discernment counseling?
  3. How will you help us during this time?
  4. What do you expect us to do in between our sessions?
  5. What happens if we still can’t agree about what to do next?
  6. How often will you expect us to meet, and for how long?
  7. What usually occurs after we finish treatment?

What to Expect at Your First Session

The first session is typically the longest, lasting two hours, with subsequent sessions clocking in at about 1.5 hours. The first part of the session consists of a comprehensive intake. You may complete an assessment over the phone or online before meeting with your therapist, which they may review during this first session.

The intake consists of getting to know you and your partner. You will provide the relevant details of your relationship and share pertinent information about your physical health, mental health, career, housing, and support system. During this time, your therapist will review informed consent and describe how this form of counseling will work. If you have any questions about scheduling or fees, this is an excellent time to ask!

After obtaining relevant information, your counselor will meet with each of you individually. They will spend this time examining your role in the relationship, goals for moving forward, and the accountability you hold towards past mistakes. Ultimately, your counselor wants to ensure that this work is a choice. Neither partner should be forced into the process. If that’s the case, the counseling won’t work effectively.

Is Discernment Counseling Effective?

One study found that discernment counseling increased a sense of clarity. It also helped participants accept divorce as a possibility, offering a space to “say what needed to be said.”4 It’s also relevant to note that roughly 25% of individuals in the divorce process believe their marriage could be saved with hard work; about 30% reported interest in reconciliation.5

Final Thoughts

Feeling lost or uncertain in your relationship may seem scary, but remember, you’re not alone in this struggle. Many couples experience difficult moments in their relationships, and sharing these concerns with a qualified mental health professional can be valuable. Discernment counseling helps you and your partner identify what’s best for both of you.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Whether you’re feeling uneasy in your relationship, trying to rebuild trust, or working on forgiveness – a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you. BetterHelp will ask you about the things you want to work on and what you’re looking for in a therapist. Visit BetterHelp

Online-Therapy.com (Online Couples Therapy) – Do you and your partner want to work together to save the relationship? Are there children involved? Do you still love each other? Couples therapy will provide a supportive environment. Get Started

OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started

Couply (The app for couples) – Does your relationship need help? While improving your relationship is work, it also can be fun! The Couply app will help you better understand each other through joint activities, games, and quizzes. Try Couply Free

Relationship Newsletter (Free From Choosing Therapy) – A newsletter for those interested in improving relationships. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, Our Relationship, and Couply

For Further Reading

  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health
  • MentalHealth.gov

Discernment Counseling Infographics

What Discernment Counseling Can Help You With Cases That May Benefit From Discernment Counseling Questions to Ask a Discernment Counselor

First Discernment Counseling Session Expectations

5 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Discernment Counseling For “Mixed-Agenda” Couples. (2016). Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. Retrieved from: http://1bvmt2fj8n8p16bfasnyf1bt-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/Discernment-Counseling-JMFT.pdf

  • As Marriage and Parenthood Drift Apart, Public Is Concerned About Social Impact. (2007, July). Pew Research Center. Retrieved from: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2007/07/01/as-marriage-and-parenthood-drift-apart-public-is-concerned-about-social-impact/.

  • Does your insurance cover mental health services? (2019, October). American Psychological Association. Retrieved from: https://www.apa.org/topics/managed-care-insurance/parity-guide

  • The impact of discernment counseling on individuals who decide to divorce: experiences of post-divorce communication and coparenting. (2020, November). Wiley Online Library. Retrieved from: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jmft.12463.

  • Interest in Marital Reconciliation Among Divorcing Parents. (2011). Family Court Review. Retrieved from: http://1bvmt2fj8n8p16bfasnyf1bt-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/Reconciliation.FCR_.2011.pdf.

update history

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

  • Originally Published: March 31, 2021
    Original Author: Nicole Arzt, LMFT
    Original Reviewer: Naveed Saleh, MD, MS

  • Updated: September 20, 2021
    Author: No Change
    Reviewer: No Change
    Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Added “History of Discernment Counseling” and “Potential Outcomes of Discernment Counseling”. New material written by Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C and reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.

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Headshot of Nicole Arzt, LMFT
Written by:

Nicole Arzt

LMFT
Headshot of Naveed Saleh, MD, MS
Reviewed by:

Naveed Saleh

MD, MS
  • What Is Discernment Counseling?Definition
  • What Can Discernment Counseling Help With?How It Helps
  • Examples of Discernment CounselingExamples
  • Potential Outcomes of Discernment CounselingOutcomes
  • How Much Does Discernment Therapy Cost?Cost
  • How to Find a Discernment CounselorHow to Find
  • What to Expect at Your First SessionWhat to Expect
  • Is Discernment Counseling Effective?Effectiveness
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Discernment Counseling InfographicsInfographics
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