How to Find a Marriage Counselor: What to Consider & How to Get Started

When Should We Consider Couples Counseling?

Couples counseling is a great way to strengthen your bond with your partner. Having disagreements with your spouse is normal, and can even be healthy if you fight fairly. While you don’t have to be on the verge of breaking up in order to get the benefits of couples counseling, it can help if you’re having trouble in your relationship.

Signs of when it would be beneficial to seek couples counseling include:

• Increase in conflict and problematic communication patterns
• Feeling emotionally shut down or lonely in the marriage or relationship
• Trust issues or commitment issues
• Parenting styles that clash and create conflict
• Disagreement in managing finances
• Being in a sexless marriage
• Feeling unsupported and unable to confide in your spouse
• Falling out of love

How to Find a Good In-Person or Online Marriage Counselor

Finding a couples counselor can feel like a challenge, but if you and your partner are clear from the start about the type of therapist you want to see, their credentials and training, and goals of therapy, it will make the process of finding a marriage counselor more streamlined.

1. Decide What You Want to Work on Together

Before starting couples therapy, align on key areas to focus on. This helps you both feel more invested and sets the stage for productive sessions.

Tips for getting started:

• Set shared goals:Identify what you both want to work on—such as communication, trust, or intimacy.
• Take a team approach:Avoid blaming each other. Focus on how both partners contribute to the relationship dynamic.
• Commit to the process:Therapy can be challenging, but progress requires consistency and openness from both people.
• Stay curious and open-minded:Approaching therapy with a willingness to grow together increases its effectiveness.

2. Understand the Best Couples Therapy for You

There are many different approaches to couples therapy that can be especially helpful for certain issues. Make sure the therapist you see is licensed in your state and has specific training in couples therapy.

Some of the more popular approaches to couples therapy include:

• The Gottman Method: This improves verbal communication, enhances intimacy, increases respect, increases conflict resolution and creates more empathy and compassion in relationships.
• Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: a short-term therapy that focuses on improving attachment and bonding in adult relationships. It helps couples stop fighting by ending emotional distance and focusing on each partner expressing their authentic feelings.
• PACT Therapy: A type of couples therapy that quickly pinpoints what is causing the conflict and tension in your relationship. Sessions focus on moment-to-moment shifts in your face, body, and voice and ask you to pay attention to these as a couple. Your therapist will help you work through troubling issues in real time during the session.
• Sex therapy: Helps to solve sex problems that are negatively impacting the intimacy in a couple’s relationship. The goal is to help people move past physical and emotional challenges to have a satisfying relationship and sex life.

3. Know What Type of Therapist to Look For

There are so many types of therapists, and they all have different training and different backgrounds. When searching for a couples therapist, you should ask about specific training and experience the therapist has. Licensed family and marriage therapists (LMFT) are professionals who have been specifically trained to work with families and couples. Also, therapists certified in the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) provide assessment, diagnosis and in-depth psychotherapy for clients with sexual issues.

4. Consider Practical Details

The cost of marriage counseling can be expensive, so it is important that you and your partner have openly discussed the general budget, timeline you’re both comfortable with, goals of therapy, and style of therapy.

The cost of couples counseling can vary depending on the type of therapist you see and where you live. Before scheduling a session, ask if your insurance will cover it. You might also want to ask for a list of mental health providers within your network. If your insurance company does not cover marriage counseling, ask if the therapist is willing to offer you services on a sliding scale.

Before you commit, align on logistics with your partner:

• Budget: Will insurance cover it? Do they offer sliding scale options?
• Schedule: Weekly, biweekly, or as-needed sessions?
• Format: In-person or online couples therapy?
• Goals: Short-term crisis intervention or long-term growth?

5. Explore Online Couples Therapy Options

Online couples therapy services may be a good fit for busy couples or those in different locations. Platforms like ReGain Couples Counseling or the Lasting App offer specialized couples therapy with licensed professionals. An online therapist directory is another option for finding a local therapist who you could also meet in person.

Questions to Ask a Potential Couples Therapist

It’s important that you both feel comfortable with whomever you choose, so vetting a potential therapist on a phone consultation can be very helpful. Before starting marriage counseling, your mind might be racing with questions. Before working with a therapist, you and your partner should put together a list of questions.

What to Ask Before Your First Session

Here are some questions to ask a potential couples therapist:

• What do you believe makes a relationship successful?
• Have you worked with couples like us before?
• Which therapy modalities do you use?
• What type of mental health professional are you?
• What does working with you look like?
• How much of your practice is devoted to marriage counseling?

How to Prepare for Your First Session

When preparing for couples counseling, it helps to have a specific outcome in mind. Be prepared to explore what is happening now and decide what goal(s) you want to set for the relationship you want to have once therapy is complete.

What to Expect After a Few Sessions

Having appropriate expectations from marriage counseling can help you get the most out of it. You will sense that your therapist is the right fit if you and your partner feel understood and you are able to be candid about what you find helpful (or not). A good therapist will understand that what works for one couple may not work for another, and once you voice your concerns, they are willing to adjust how they work with you and the relationship. If you’re not clicking after a few sessions, the therapist might just be a bad fit and you should move on to another provider.

Red Flags in Marriage Counseling

Although there are many great, skilled, and compassionate couples counselors, not all counselors are equally qualified.

Be cautious if your therapist:^{1, 2}

• Is unreliable—frequently late, canceling sessions, or not showing up without prior notice.
• Doesn’t actively listen, show interest or empathy, provide feedback, or is distracted during sessions.
• Lacks experience in treating couples or addressing the couple’s specific concerns.
• Doesn’t assess for intimate partner violence, mental health issues, or substance misuse.
• Doesn’t share important information like their professional background, therapeutic approach, fees, length of sessions, confidentiality, etc.
• Lacks awareness of the role that values, culture, race, gender, family background, socioeconomic status, and so forth play into the marriage.
• Imposes their own values or opinions or suggests divorce.
• Is not cognizant of the changing trends in couplehood as these impacts the couple’s dynamics.
• Displays discomfort or avoids discussing certain sensitive topics relevant to your marriage (spirituality, sex, open marriages, etc.).
• Fails to provide structure to the course of treatment.
• Either or both partners feel judged or uncomfortable during therapy sessions.
• Uses a therapeutic approach that doesn’t align with the couple’s goals for therapy, doesn’t address their specific needs, or isn’t open to exploring new perspectives or techniques.
• Is not neutral or takes sides with one of the members in the couple.

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Marriage counseling can be effective when both partners are committed. Research from the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) shows that it helps couples develop more effective tools to navigate challenges and build trust in the relationship.³

What the Research Shows

• Shorter treatment timeframe: Couples counseling often requires fewer sessions than other types of therapy—averaging 12 sessions, with 65% of cases reaching completion around 20 sessions.⁴
• Progress depends on several factors: The therapeutic approach, the couple’s specific concerns, and the presence of mental health or substance use issues can impact how long therapy takes.⁴

What Progress Can Look Like

Improvement varies by couple, but those who stick with therapy often notice:

• Increased self- and relationship awareness
• More accountability for individual actions
• Greater tolerance and empathy
• Better use of communication and problem-solving tools

While not a quick fix, marriage counseling can support long-term relationship growth for couples who stay engaged in the process.

What If My Partner Won’t Go?

If your partner isn’t ready, try to understand their hesitations. You might:

• Ask them to commit to just a few sessions
• Share your reasons for wanting therapy
• Offer to explore individual therapy if they’re not open to couples sessions

Individual counseling can still help you gain clarity, reduce stress, and model healthier behaviors.