How to Forget Something on Purpose

How Do Memories Work?

Memories are the pieces of information and experiences that our brains capture and store, shaping who we are and how we understand the world. Some memories, like a passcode from a text message you received this morning, are fleeting. These reside in your short-term or working memory and are quickly discarded once they’re no longer needed. Other memories, especially those tied to significant events or emotions, seem to last forever in our long-term memory—whether we want them to or not.

Memory formation involves three main stages:¹

• Encoding: This is the initial process of taking in information. Your brain converts sensory input into a form it can store, like turning a conversation or a sight into neural codes.
• Storage: Once encoded, the information is stored, allowing it to be retained over time. This could be in the short-term, like remembering a phone number just long enough to dial it, or in the long-term, like recalling a childhood friend.
• Retrieval: When you need to recall information, your brain retrieves it from where it was stored, allowing you to remember facts, events, or skills learned in the past.

Can You Erase Memories From the Brain?

Technically, completely erasing a long-term memory isn’t believed to be possible. Our brains have an incredible capacity to store information—almost limitless, as far as science knows.² But while you can’t delete memories, you can weaken them enough that they fade from your daily thoughts. You can also dull the emotional impact of certain memories so they no longer trigger the same level of distress when they do come up.³

How to Forget Something on Purpose

If you have a memory you would like to forget, there are some techniques you can try. You can try these techniques individually or in order as a step-by-step process.

Here are six tips for fading a memory:

1. Identify the Memory

Sometimes when it comes to bad memories, you may push them away so often that they become like the monster under the bed. You know it’s there, just out of sight, waiting for you, but you don’t really know what it is. So before you try to forget a specific memory, you need to take a moment to remember the sights, sounds, and feelings attached to that memory.

2. Feel & Process the Emotions

Now that you have identified the memory, it’s time to feel and process the emotions of the memory. Unwanted memories often come with unwanted emotions. You may be dealing with those emotions by pushing them away any time the memory comes up. However, it’s important to feel the emotions associated with a memory and work through the difficult emotions in order to process them. As you process and the emotional response begins to weaken, the memory associated with them will weaken as well.

Keep in mind that depending on the memory, and especially with traumatic memories, it might be a good idea to process your emotions with the help of a mental health professional.

3. Reframe the Memory

Reframing how we understand an experience can help to change the emotions associated with that memory. For example, if you were with your cat for their last moments, a positive reflection or reframe could be that you are glad you got to give your cat comfort and be there for them at the end. Sometimes reframing the emotional experience of a memory can help to weaken the stronger, more painful emotional responses encoded with the memory.

4. Reflect on the Positives

If the memory you want to forget was related to grief, a past relationship, or another painful experience, it may be helpful in your quest to forget the memory to reflect on what was positive about the memory or experience. For example, a tumultuous romantic relationship may have taught you what things you are not willing to compromise on in a partner and led to you having a stronger sense of self. Like with reframing, recognizing potential positives can help to weaken the negative emotions connected to a memory.

5. Forgive Yourself, Out Loud

When it comes to memories you want to forget, sometimes the reason you want to forget them is because you feel like you did something wrong. Like in the case of memories that make you cringe or where you can think of a hundred things you should have done better or would do next time. For these memories, take a moment to intentionally think about what you feel like you should have done, and then explicitly, out loud, forgive yourself.

Say, “I forgive myself for (name whatever you did or did not do) when (describe the events of the memory).“ For example, “I forgive myself for not being able to get a flight home quickly enough when my grandmother was sick.”

6. Create New Memories

Sometimes the easiest way to weaken old memories, especially ones where you have already processed some of the emotions and reframed some of the experiences, is to create new memories related to the setting or other things about the memory you want to forget. For example, if you had a bad breakup during dinner at a certain restaurant, you could consider inviting some friends for lunch to create a more recent happy memory at the same restaurant. Creating happier memories at places or around other related experiences can help to weaken the recall of more negative memories associated with those same places or things.

How to Cope With Unwanted Memories

Coping skills alone won’t in and of themselves help you to resolve or forget your unwanted memories. However, improving or adopting additional coping skills can help you deal with the emotional reactions and other distressing symptoms related to your unwanted memories while you are taking steps to resolve or forget them.

Here are some coping skills for unwanted memories:

Remove Memory Triggers

Memory triggers are objects, environments, or topics that can bring up memories you’d prefer not to recall. These triggers are often directly linked to the memory itself. For example, a trigger might be wearing a shirt similar to the one you had on during a traumatic car accident. By removing memory triggers, you can better cope by avoiding unwanted memories until you’re ready to deal with them. In the case of the shirt similar to the one worn during the accident, you might consider setting it aside for a while to reduce the likelihood of triggering that memory.

Utilize Relaxation Techniques

Unwanted memories can often be stored in the body, leading to physical sensations like tightness, discomfort, or tension. By paying attention to where these sensations occur—whether in your chest, stomach, or shoulders—you can begin to explore how your body holds onto emotional pain. Instead of pushing these feelings away, allow yourself to sit with them without judgment. This gentle awareness is a powerful first step in loosening the memory’s grip.

Relaxation techniques are incredibly helpful in managing unwanted memories because they work to calm both the mind and body, creating a space where distressing thoughts have less control. Practices like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and guided imagery can help ground you in the present moment and create a sense of safety. When you’re in a more relaxed state, it’s easier to prevent unwanted memories from overwhelming your mind.

You might also try more somatic therapy techniques, like body scanning or self-compassionate touch, which also encourage a deeper sense of relaxation. These skills not only help release physical tension but also re-train your nervous system to feel more balanced, making it harder for distressing memories to take root in your daily life.

Regulating Your Nervous System - Free Worksheet

By building awareness of your body’s nervous system, you can better manage overwhelming emotions and respond more calmly to challenges.

Download

Challenge & Reframe Unhelpful Thoughts

With cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), you learn to identify and challenge negative or intrusive thoughts, gradually replacing these thought patterns with more balanced, realistic ones. Skills like cognitive restructuring and thought-stopping can help you create distance from the unwanted memory, making it less overwhelming. Journaling and identifying cognitive distortions are also helpful skills in processing and reframing distressing memories.

Cognitive Restructuring for Anxiety Worksheet

You can recognize unhealthy thought patterns that are causing you increased anxiety by practicing cognitive restructuring.

Download Free Worksheet

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be a powerful tool for coping with unwanted memories.⁴ It involves staying present in the moment and paying purposeful attention to what is happening around you and within your body. Research shows that practicing mindfulness can help lower cortisol levels, a stress hormone associated with the formation and recall of traumatic or distressing memories.^{5, 6}

To begin practicing mindfulness, start with a few minutes each day. Mindfulness apps, like Headspace or Calm, offer guided meditations and exercises to help you build and maintain a daily practice. Be aware that mindfulness may increase symptoms for those with unprocessed trauma. If you have unprocessed trauma, please work with a mental health professional in relation to the practice of mindfulness.

Develop Self-Acceptance

Developing self-acceptance can be a powerful tool in managing unwanted memories. When you accept yourself as you are, you become less likely to feel shame or guilt over past events, which can diminish the emotional impact of those memories. As you practice self-acceptance and self-love, you build resilience, making it easier to face and move forward from painful or distressing recollections.

Practice Self-Care

If you are running yourself ragged, you may find it more difficult to cope with stressful memories and the negative emotions they evoke. By choosing to engage in self-care on a daily basis, you can help ensure that you are in a good mental state to cope with your unwanted memories.

Take a moment right now to think of what things you do just for yourself. These can be hobbies, long baths, making sure you have your favorite veggies and fruits stocked in the fridge, or anything else that helps you to take care of you.

Self-Care Inventory Worksheet

Take an inventory of self-care activities you do well, explore new self-care activities and find potential opportunities to feel better.

Download Free Worksheet

Connect With a Friend or Family Member

If you have a friend or family member who was there during the painful memory, sharing your feelings with them can be comforting. Alternatively, simply having someone who is willing to listen when you need to talk can make a big difference. Remember, you don’t always have to discuss your unwanted memories to feel better. Sometimes, just spending time together, chatting, or doing something enjoyable can be enough to distract you from those memories and help you cope more effectively.⁷

Impact of Negative Memories

Negative memories can significantly impact mental and emotional well-being. Understanding their impact is essential for managing their effects.

Here are some key ways negative memories can affect individuals:

• Emotional distress: Negative memories often evoke intense emotions such as sadness, anger, or fear, which can linger long after the event has passed. These emotions may be triggered by reminders of the event, leading to sudden and sometimes overwhelming feelings of distress.
• Cognitive distortions: Negative memories can contribute to the development of cognitive distortions, such as overgeneralizing (“This always happens to me”) or catastrophizing (“This will ruin everything”). These thought patterns can reinforce negative beliefs about oneself, others, or the world, making it harder to cope with everyday stressors.
• Behavioral impact: Recalling negative experiences can lead to avoidance behaviors, such as staying away from certain people or places associated with the memory. This avoidance can limit personal growth, social interactions, and the ability to engage in activities that could bring joy or fulfillment.
• Impact on relationships: Negative memories can influence how one interacts with others. They may cause a person to be more guarded, distrustful, or anxious in relationships. If these memories are tied to betrayal or rejection, they may lead to difficulties in forming or maintaining healthy connections.

When to Seek Professional Support

You may not be able to tackle forgetting or reprocessing the memories you want to forget on your own. Especially distressing memories, like those from traumatic experiences, often require the help of a professional mental health provider to resolve.

An online therapist directory is a valuable resource for finding a therapist, allowing you to search by location, specialty, and treatment approach. Alternatively, online therapy platforms provide accessible options for virtual counseling. More specifically, Online-Therapy.com specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), offering structured, evidence-based treatment plans designed to help manage unwanted memories and other mental health concerns.

Therapy Options for Unwanted Memories

Fortunately, there are multiple treatment options that can help manage and reduce the impact of unwanted memories. These approaches aim to address the emotional distress, cognitive distortions, and behavioral patterns that can arise from negative or traumatic memories.

 

• Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): TF-CBT combines cognitive-behavioral techniques with trauma-sensitive interventions to help individuals process their trauma, develop coping skills, and gradually face and reduce the distress caused by their memories.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR was developed specifically around working with memories. If you engage in EMDR, your therapist will use an eight-step protocol and bilateral stimulation to help you effectively reprocess your traumatic or distressing memories and to improve your overall emotional regulation.
• Exposure Therapy: Exposure therapy involves gradually and repeatedly confronting the memory or situations related to it in a safe and controlled way, which helps reduce fear and decrease avoidance related to the memory.
• Mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR): MBSR helps individuals focus on the present moment and develop a non-judgmental awareness of their thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness techniques, like meditation and deep breathing, can help reduce emotional reactions to unwanted memories.

Why Emotional Memories Are Hard to Forget

Emotional memories are particularly difficult to forget because they are deeply tied to your experiences and feelings. While most of our memories get stored in the hippocampus, emotional memories are different—they’re processed in both our conscious (explicit) and unconscious (implicit) memory systems.⁸ This means they have more “storage locations,” making them harder to shake off.

The amygdala, another part of the brain, also plays a big role in why emotional memories can be so tough to forget.⁹ When we feel strong emotions, the amygdala kicks in and boosts how deeply those memories are stored and how easily they’re brought back up. This extra layer of emotional processing makes these memories more likely to resurface, especially when something triggers a similar feeling or situation.