Learning how to forgive yourself is difficult. It takes time, effort, and patience to make peace with your mistakes and move on. As adults, we’re more likely to forgive others, but we need to remember to practice the same kind of empathy for ourselves. Regardless of the scale of your mistake, it’s important you allow yourself to go through all the motions and feel all your feelings.
Self forgiveness simply means that you have accepted the mistake and the outcome of the mistake and are willing to work to move past it. It means you won’t ruminate on the mistake, allowing yourself the humility to accept that you are a human being who is imperfect. Forgiveness doesn’t equate to condoning a specific behavior, nor should one think that they can act a certain way and ask for forgiveness later. Forgiveness comes with a certain amount of self-awareness, allowing the person to feel deeply sorry and reflect that in their behavior.1
Here are nine tips for how to forgive yourself:
1. Remember, Mistakes Are Learning Experiences
Mistakes can be a good way to learn about yourself and take the outcome as an opportunity to reflect. It’s important that we take risks in life; sometimes, that means taking the hits with an eager-to-learn heart.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Process
It’s important that you give yourself permission to process the mistake and learn to deal with it in a healthy way. Sometimes, that means taking a step away from it. Give yourself permission to step away without guilt or feeling like you’re running away from your problems. We all need a minute to regroup.
3. Own the Mistake
There is nothing quite like owning up to your mistakes. By owning your mistakes, you are taking power back from the mishap and can redirect that energy into making it better. If the mistake has affected another person, perhaps a sincere apology can help mend what was said or done, and help alleviate some of the pressure you’re putting on yourself.
4. Challenge Yourself
It’s easy to beat up on yourself when you’re already feeling down, but take time to challenge what your inner monologue is. What if you spoke to yourself with compassion? What would your inner monologue say back? How would you feel? Would you handle the aftermath of the mistake any differently? Consider all of these questions.
5. Call Yourself Out
When you’re trying to forgive yourself but have doubts about whether you deserve to be forgiven, call yourself out the way you’d call out a friend who was doubting themselves. It’s important that you remain your biggest supporter, advocate, and fan.
6. Taste Your Own Medicine
Do you have friends who give great advice but rarely listen to it? You’ve probably done the exact same thing. Take a minute to consider some of your own sage advice about moving on from a mistake.
7. Turn Off the Negative Thoughts
Don’t stay in one place and perseverate on the mistake. Replaying it over and over again doesn’t do anyone any good. When the mistake is over, reflect, but don’t unpack and stay in the feelings of shame and guilt.
8. Feel All Your Feelings
Make sure you allow yourself to feel the depth of all your emotions without feeling like you’re teetering on toxic positivity. Be real with yourself, let all your feelings out, grieve, and give yourself permission to move on.
9. Talk to a Therapist
It can help to talk to a therapist and identify what holds you back from forgiving yourself. Not only will this help you in the present moment, but you may also learn techniques for the future.2
How to Forgive Yourself for the Unforgivable?
Long-term beliefs that certain mistakes are somehow unforgivable can seem impossible to work through. When we hold onto the belief that we cannot be forgiven, it saddles us with an emotional load. Feelings of shame and guilt are part of the human experience, but if you don’t forgive yourself, it only makes those feelings worse.
Shame and guilt affect us in different ways, especially when we’re already vulnerable. It’s important to understand that as humans, we all make mistakes, but those mistakes don’t define us or make us less worthy of forgiveness. If you feel like you are no longer worth forgiving, consider reaching out to a therapist.3
When You Can’t Forgive Yourself, Therapy Can Help
Working with a therapist is a great way to work through the barriers to self-forgiveness. Your therapist can help you learn where these barriers came from and how to heal from them. Therapy is also an opportunity to learn coping mechanisms for emotionally uncomfortable experiences. There are many resources to help you choose a therapist, including online directories.4
Final Thoughts
Self-forgiveness can be difficult, but it is always achievable. Remember, you’re not alone; we all make mistakes. There are so many ways to work through the challenges that block the path to self-forgiveness. With time, patience, and faith in yourself, you can learn to let go and move forward.
For Further Reading
How to Forgive Yourself Infographics
