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How to Forgive Yourself: 9 Tips For Self Forgiveness

Published: September 3, 2021 Updated: November 24, 2022
Published: 09/03/2021 Updated: 11/24/2022
Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Dena Westphalen, PharmD
Reviewed by:

Dena Westphalen

PharmD
  • Remember, Mistakes Are Learning Experiences1.
  • Give Yourself Permission to Process2.
  • Own the Mistake3.
  • Challenge Yourself4.
  • Call Yourself Out5.
  • Taste Your Own Medicine6.
  • Turn Off the Negative Thoughts7.
  • Feel All Your Feelings8.
  • Talk to a Therapist9.
  • How to Forgive Yourself for the Unforgivable?Unforgivable?
  • When You Can’t Forgive Yourself, Therapy Can HelpTherapy Can Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • How to Forgive Yourself InfographicsInfographics
Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Dena Westphalen, PharmD
Reviewed by:

Dena Westphalen

PharmD

Learning how to forgive yourself is difficult. It takes time, effort, and patience to make peace with your mistakes and move on. As adults, we’re more likely to forgive others, but we need to remember to practice the same kind of empathy for ourselves. Regardless of the scale of your mistake, it’s important you allow yourself to go through all the motions and feel all your feelings.

Self forgiveness simply means that you have accepted the mistake and the outcome of the mistake and are willing to work to move past it. It means you won’t ruminate on the mistake, allowing yourself the humility to accept that you are a human being who is imperfect. Forgiveness doesn’t equate to condoning a specific behavior, nor should one think that they can act a certain way and ask for forgiveness later. Forgiveness comes with a certain amount of self-awareness, allowing the person to feel deeply sorry and reflect that in their behavior.1

Would you like to forgive yourself? A therapist can assist in the process of self-forgiveness. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

Here are nine tips for how to forgive yourself:

1. Remember, Mistakes Are Learning Experiences

Mistakes can be a good way to learn about yourself and take the outcome as an opportunity to reflect. It’s important that we take risks in life; sometimes, that means taking the hits with an eager-to-learn heart.

2. Give Yourself Permission to Process

It’s important that you give yourself permission to process the mistake and learn to deal with it in a healthy way. Sometimes, that means taking a step away from it. Give yourself permission to step away without guilt or feeling like you’re running away from your problems. We all need a minute to regroup.

3. Own the Mistake

There is nothing quite like owning up to your mistakes. By owning your mistakes, you are taking power back from the mishap and can redirect that energy into making it better. If the mistake has affected another person, perhaps a sincere apology can help mend what was said or done, and help alleviate some of the pressure you’re putting on yourself.

4. Challenge Yourself

It’s easy to beat up on yourself when you’re already feeling down, but take time to challenge what your inner monologue is. What if you spoke to yourself with compassion? What would your inner monologue say back? How would you feel? Would you handle the aftermath of the mistake any differently? Consider all of these questions.

5. Call Yourself Out

When you’re trying to forgive yourself but have doubts about whether you deserve to be forgiven, call yourself out the way you’d call out a friend who was doubting themselves. It’s important that you remain your biggest supporter, advocate, and fan.

6. Taste Your Own Medicine

Do you have friends who give great advice but rarely listen to it? You’ve probably done the exact same thing. Take a minute to consider some of your own sage advice about moving on from a mistake.

7. Turn Off the Negative Thoughts

Don’t stay in one place and perseverate on the mistake. Replaying it over and over again doesn’t do anyone any good. When the mistake is over, reflect, but don’t unpack and stay in the feelings of shame and guilt.

8. Feel All Your Feelings

Make sure you allow yourself to feel the depth of all your emotions without feeling like you’re teetering on toxic positivity. Be real with yourself, let all your feelings out, grieve, and give yourself permission to move on.

9. Talk to a Therapist

It can help to talk to a therapist and identify what holds you back from forgiving yourself. Not only will this help you in the present moment, but you may also learn techniques for the future.2

How to Forgive Yourself for the Unforgivable?

Long-term beliefs that certain mistakes are somehow unforgivable can seem impossible to work through. When we hold onto the belief that we cannot be forgiven, it saddles us with an emotional load. Feelings of shame and guilt are part of the human experience, but if you don’t forgive yourself, it only makes those feelings worse.

Shame and guilt affect us in different ways, especially when we’re already vulnerable. It’s important to understand that as humans, we all make mistakes, but those mistakes don’t define us or make us less worthy of forgiveness. If you feel like you are no longer worth forgiving, consider reaching out to a therapist.3

When You Can’t Forgive Yourself, Therapy Can Help

Working with a therapist is a great way to work through the barriers to self-forgiveness. Your therapist can help you learn where these barriers came from and how to heal from them. Therapy is also an opportunity to learn coping mechanisms for emotionally uncomfortable experiences. There are many resources to help you choose a therapist, including online directories.4

Final Thoughts

Self-forgiveness can be difficult, but it is always achievable. Remember, you’re not alone; we all make mistakes. There are so many ways to work through the challenges that block the path to self-forgiveness. With time, patience, and faith in yourself, you can learn to let go and move forward.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

Online Therapy 

BetterHelp Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 20,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy.  Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online Psychiatry

Hims / Hers If you’re living with anxiety or depression, finding the right medication match may make all the difference. Get FDA approved medication prescribed by your dedicated Hims / Hers Healthcare Provider and delivered right to your door. Plans start at $25 per month (first month)*. Get Started

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Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Hims / Hers, and Sunnyside. *Hims / Hers Disclaimer: Subscription required. After first month, price is $85/month for a monthly subscription or $49/month for a three-month subscription ($123 for first order, $147 billed quarterly thereafter). Subscription automatically renews unless you cancel at least 7 days before renewal is processed.

For Further Reading

  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health
  • MentalHealth.gov

How to Forgive Yourself Infographics

How to Forgive Yourself 9 Tips For Self Forgiveness What is Self-Forgiveness Tips for Self-Forgiveness

Tips Self-Forgiveness 2 Tips Self-Forgiveness 3 How to Achieve Self-Forgiveness

How Therapists Can Help with Self-Forgiveness

4 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Webb, J. R., Bumgarner, D. J., Conway-Williams, E., Dangel, T., & Hall, B. B. (2017). A definition of self-forgiveness: Implications for assessment and treatment. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 4(3), 216.

  • Cornish, M. A., Woodyatt, L., Morris, G., Conroy, A., & Townsdin, J. (2018). Self-forgiveness, self-exoneration, and self-condemnation: Individual differences associated with three patterns of responding to interpersonal offenses. Personality and Individual Differences, 129, 43-53.

  • F. D., & May, R. W. (2019). Self-forgiveness and well-being: Does divine forgiveness matter?. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 14(6), 854-859.

  • Cornish, M. A., Wade, N. G., & Cikara, A. (2017). Self-forgiveness in individual psychotherapy: Therapeutic models and counseling outcomes. In Handbook of the psychology of self-forgiveness (pp. 163-177). Springer, Cham.

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Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Dena Westphalen, PharmD
Reviewed by:

Dena Westphalen

PharmD
  • Remember, Mistakes Are Learning Experiences1.
  • Give Yourself Permission to Process2.
  • Own the Mistake3.
  • Challenge Yourself4.
  • Call Yourself Out5.
  • Taste Your Own Medicine6.
  • Turn Off the Negative Thoughts7.
  • Feel All Your Feelings8.
  • Talk to a Therapist9.
  • How to Forgive Yourself for the Unforgivable?Unforgivable?
  • When You Can’t Forgive Yourself, Therapy Can HelpTherapy Can Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • How to Forgive Yourself InfographicsInfographics
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