How To Help An Alcoholic Spouse: Do’s & Don’ts & Tips For Coping

Recognizing the Signs of an Alcoholic Spouse

Early signs of alcoholism play an important role in early intervention. Oftentimes, spouses, friends, and co-workers notice when it becomes an impairment in daily functions such as workplace stability, interactions with law enforcement, and behavioral changes.¹

Early interventions, can prevent severe health consequences such as cirrhosis, cardiovascular issues, and mental health issues such as depression, irritability, and anxiety. Dealing with alcoholism can help preserve job stability, and avoid DUI (driving under the influence). A proactive stance in your spouse’s behavior can help mitigate future concerns.

Behavioral Changes

Oftentimes, with alcoholism, there is a behavioral change where individuals lose control of their alcohol intake.

Alcohol is considered a depressant drug and often impairs judgment. It can lead to an increase in risk-taking behaviors such as driving under the influence, unprotected sex, and dangerous activities. In addition to the behavior changes, alcohol affects mood and often leads to increased aggression, irritability, and depressive symptoms.

Physical Symptoms

Alcohol consumption affects individuals in various physical ways.³ The two hallmarks of physical dependence will first be that the body will develop a tolerance. As the tolerance builds, a person will need to consume a higher volume in order to feel the same effects. The second hallmark of physical dependence is withdrawal. Withdrawal is when an individual experiences physical symptoms when they stop using a drug. Symptoms include confusion, shakes, tremors, racing heart, nausea, vomiting, and sleeplessness.

7 Ways To Help An Alcoholic Spouse

When you want to help an alcoholic spouse, you should try to come from a non-judgemental space, empathy, and encouragement. It is helpful for the non-alcoholic spouse to understand the symptoms, treatment, and understanding challenges that alcoholism presents. Communicating with your spouse about your concerns can be challenging, but it is important.

Ways to help an alcoholic spouse include:

1. Recognize That Alcoholism Is A Disease

Alcoholism is considered a brain disorder by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.⁴ It can cause lasting changes in the brain. The important thing to note about this is that no matter how severe the use of alcohol may be, there are treatments. Behavioral therapies, mutual support groups, and medications can help individuals achieve and maintain sobriety.

2. Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is like drawing a line to show what behaviors are okay and what behaviors are not okay in a relationship. These Boundaries can cover physical, emotional, and time-related aspects. When your spouse is dealing with alcohol issues, having clear boundaries is important.  It helps everyone, including your spouse, know what is okay and what is not okay. This way, you express your needs, feel respected, and create a safe environment. Doing this can also prevent you from feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or upset about your partner’s addiction.

3. Get Outside Support

Getting support from Al-Anon can be beneficial to understand the impact of someone else’s alcoholism. These groups often involve a family member or close member expressing their feelings about living with someone with an alcoholism disorder. It can provide insight, a supportive environment, and ways to address better boundaries and communication with your alcoholic spouse.⁵

Attending an Al-Anon group would allow for a great opportunity to build a better understanding of the nuances of alcoholism and how it can affect marriages and families as a whole, develop better coping skills, and have a community of peer support around similar issues or concerns. It will allow for better tools to communicate with an alcoholic spouse and also provide a space to receive feedback on how to practice self-care and develop strategies to cope with an alcoholic spouse.

4. Keep Expectations Reasonable

While dealing with an alcoholic spouse, having reasonable expectations is important not only for your spouse, but also for your emotional well-being. It is important for the spouse to accept that change is not linear and oftentimes, setbacks will occur. While supporting your spouse in recovery, it is extremely important to understand the limits of your influence and understand that you cannot force sobriety.

5. Do Research

There are various resources online to gain a better understanding of addiction. Oftentimes, addiction is viewed as something that you can just stop. Doing research can promote empathy between you and your spouse, compassion, and a better understanding of how to empower your spouse to seek help.

6. Finding A Community

Attending an Al-Anon Family Group meeting might provide the support and tools needed to deal with the effects of alcoholism on very important relationships, including marriage. These meetings can provide valuable support and benefits in understanding an alcoholic spouse. Oftentimes, the alcoholic spouse would find attending Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings to speak with others who are struggling with alcohol and would find comfort and understanding in the similar challenges that alcoholism entails.

7. Seeking Professional Provider

It is important to establish care and assistance from a mental health counselor. It would be helpful to have someone that specializes in substance misuse. Mental health providers can understand the specific challenges that alcohol misuse can entail.

What Not to Do When Helping an Alcoholic Spouse

Things to avoid include enabling an alcoholic with their drinking, ignoring the problem, taking on blame, and trying to control your spouse’s drinking. It is also imperative not to argue with your spouse while your spouse is under the influence, as it can make the situation worse.

Don’t Enable Their Drinking

Enabling an addict involves behaviors and actions that protect them from the consequences of their substance abuse and continue the vicious cycle of addiction. Oftentimes, these enabling behaviors involve providing financial support and minimizing their actions. While it is understandable to support your spouse, it hinders the motivation to seek help if it prevents the spouse from experiencing the reality of the addiction.

Don’t Ignore the Problem

Alcohol addiction is something that is difficult to ignore and often can have severe long-term consequences. Oftentimes, people hope that the issue will resolve itself, which can cause the addiction to become worse. Alcoholism is a progressive addiction that tends to escalate with time. By facing the problem with your partner, seeking help, and fostering communication between the two, you can start the recovery process.

Don’t Blame Yourself Or Take It Personally

It is important to avoid internalizing guilt from an alcoholic spouse or feel responsible for their partner’s addiction. However, it is vital to understand that addiction itself is complex, and alcoholism is a disease and often rooted in other factors outside of the spouse’s control. Reframing the addiction and not blaming oneself, can help prevent feelings of inadequacy. Always remember that Alcoholism is a disease that requires professional intervention and support.

Don’t Try To Control Your Spouse’s Drinking

Studies show that individuals who care about the drinker may attempt to constrain, limit, or control their partner’s drinking. Such attempts may involve behaviors such as complaining or nagging about the drinking, withdrawing from the drinker, and threatening the drinker if the drinking is not controlled.”⁶ A research study shows attempting to control drinking is a common but ineffective response to alcoholism and can cause increased tension and resistance. Instead of focusing on controlling your spouse, emphasize open communication and encourage them to seek treatment.⁶

How To Talk To Your Spouse About Getting Help

It is a delicate but important first step to talk to your spouse about getting help for alcoholism. Start by deciding when is an appropriate time to have an honest conversation. It is important to avoid coming across as accusatory. Express your thoughts and feelings while reiterating that your goal is to uphold your connection and general well-being. In this conversation, it is important to highlight getting help from professionals, such as therapists, or attending AA meetings.

What If My Partner Denies Struggling With Alcohol Abuse?

Denial is a significant part of substance use. People subconsciously use denial to avoid having to see, deal with, or accept the truth of the misuse of alcohol.

Reasons a partner may deny having an alcohol abuse disorder include:

• Justified: Denial helps with the justification to continue to use
• Stigma: Oftentimes, the label alcoholism or alcohol has negative connotations in day-by-day conversation
• Minimizing: Oftentimes, individuals who misuse substances believe their drinking is not as problematic as is perceived
• Culture: Living in an environment, whether culturally or socially, where heavy drinking is normalized contributes to the idea that the behavior is socially acceptable to all
• Control: People may want to believe that they have control over their drinking.
• Comparison: Oftentimes, comparing their drinking habits to your own or others who they perceive as drinking more excessively helps them downplay their own alcohol use.

Can Having An Alcoholic Spouse Lead To Divorce?

Extensive research has firmly established the adverse link between problematic drinking and the outcomes of relationships.⁷ For instance, individuals involved in romantic relationships were prone to engage in less favorable conversations on days marked by heavy alcohol consumption.⁸ It is important to note that each relationship is different, and alcoholism can impact marriages and relationships differently, and not all marriages end in divorce.

Treatment Options For Alcohol Abuse

Seeking therapy is important in addressing alcohol substance use. There are many different variables at play, and often, drinking can lead to emotional dysregulation and behavior changes. To address these changes, there are different behavioral approaches to drinking, which include specific psychotherapy like CBT and DBT, outpatient services, rehabilitation services, and peer support like AA.

Some treatment options for alcohol abuse include:

• Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT): CBT for substance use addresses the psychology of addictions by assisting patients with identifying and changing negative beliefs and thought patterns that are associated with alcohol use. CBT can equip your spouse to address and develop coping strategies to promote recovery.
• Alcoholics Anonymous: The 12-step Alcoholics Anonymous program builds community and peer support with other alcoholics who are in sobriety or attempting to maintain sobriety. Speaking to others who struggle with similar issues with alcohol, people can get encouragement.
• Inpatient Rehabilitation Treatment: This is a structured environment focused on recovery. Individuals who attend rehab gain insight into their addiction and are under the support of staff.
• Dialectical Behavioral Therapy: DBT utilizes mindfulness strategies that address the emotional component and the impulsive behaviors associated with alcohol abuse.
• Counseling: An important aspect of recovery is finding the “why” behind our behaviors. Speaking with a therapist or substance use counselor can provide insight into our behaviors and provide coping strategies and tools to address behaviors with alcohol abuse.
• Motivational Interviewing: Motivational Interviewing by a trained therapist helps individuals who find the motivation for change and look at where they are in their addiction to make those changes.

Coping Strategies For Yourself

Caring for others with substance use is a challenging journey. As a spouse of an alcoholic, it is important to know that alcoholism does not only affect the person who is using the substance, but it affects everyone around them. As a spouse, it is important to address your emotional, mental, and physical health when dealing with these issues.

Self-Care

Self-care is important in preventing and protecting yourself from being “emotionally drained.” It helps to attain your own support and address your own needs, boundaries, and mental health. Whatever self-care looks like to you, it can be something that provides a safe, positive space for you.

Individual Therapy

An individual therapist can help guide you on developing coping strategies to deal with the complex conditions that alcoholism impacts families and marriages.

Support Groups

Attending an Al-Anon Family Group meeting might provide the support and tools needed to deal with the effects of alcoholism on important relationships. In these meetings, you will find similarities with other spouses or family members who have their own daily struggles with alcohol, understand how they cope with similar challenges, and attain peer support from individuals who are familiar with having an alcoholic family member.

Opening Up to Family & Friends

In difficult times, especially when living with an alcoholic spouse, opening up to your family and friends whom you trust can provide an enormous amount of support and guidance. By providing space to vent the complex feelings of dealing with an alcoholic spouse, you foster trust and a sense of community within your close circle of family and friends. These individuals can provide support, emotional comfort, and reassurance.

When to Seek Professional Help

Recognizing when it’s time to seek professional support for alcohol addiction is crucial. Signs include a loss of control, increased tolerance, and interference with daily life. You can search for specialists on an online therapist directory or an online therapy platform. If emotional or psychological factors contribute, a psychiatrist may be necessary. Online psychiatrist options also exist, offering convenient access to medication management for alcohol addiction.