How to Talk About Money With Your Partner: 10 Tips From a Therapist

Why Talking About Finances With a Partner Is Important

Healthy communication in a relationship is crucial especially when it comes to finances. In fact, financial challenges are one of the top issues couples address in couples therapy. After counseling individuals and couples for more than 25 years, I’ve discovered one of the main reasons that couples come to therapy is financial conflict, financial anxiety, and financial mishaps that could be avoided through improved collaboration. One study found that money problems are the second leading cause of divorce, behind infidelity.¹ High levels of debt and a lack of communication are major causes of stress and anxiety.

When one partner is financially literate and the other is not, this can lead to an imbalance of power and control in relationships, sometimes resulting in resentment. Further, people who aren’t aware of their spending, debt, interest rates, or the fees they are being charged, may be in financial denial. Denial can cause someone to live beyond their means and outside of their financial reality. But, when your partner doesn’t have a clear picture of your joint finances because you are withholding information in some way, financial priorities can become skewed.

Talking about finances with your partner is important as it:

• Prevents money arguments
• Addresses and resolves economic instability
• Improves your financial health individually and as a couple
• Achieves shared financial goals such as buying a house, having a baby or saving for retirement

10 Tips for Talking About Money With Your Partner

If you are married, dating, or in a long-term relationship, you need to learn to talk about money with your partner. Many individuals struggle with healthy ways to approach the difficult topic of money in a romantic relationship. At first, starting money conversations may seem awkward. But, once you each disclose your financial situation, priorities, and values, it becomes easier to talk to your partner about these issues. You and your partner can experience financial intimacy when you are both honest about your beliefs towards money.

Below are ten tips for talking about finances with your partner:

1. Be Respectful & Kind

Because self-worth is directly related to money, money conversations can trigger feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. Communicate in a way that is honest, direct, clear, and demonstrates respect for yourself and others. Whenever you feel superior or inferior to anyone, that’s the ego in you. When you detach from your ego, it allows you to separate from those harmful aspects. So speak with diplomacy and be mindful of your partner’s feelings about differences in debt, earnings, or financial literacy. Practice compassion for your partner.

2. Reflect Empathy, Compassion, & Respect for Differences

The beliefs we learned in childhood about money can drive our financial behavior today. Our parents’ beliefs about money can influence how we approach finances in a relationship and even how we view financial security. Gender plays a role too. According to the U.S. Bank Survey, women value financial security, but worry more about retirement than men do, with nearly half of respondents (49%) fearing that they won’t have enough versus 32% of men. Women also appear to be less confident than men about managing money.³ Considering men and women have different strengths and weaknesses when it comes to their perspectives on money, couples need to take the time to learn to listen to each other. When you are open to compromise with your partner about money, you can work together to find the best solution for both of you.

3. Be Honest & Transparent

When you are genuinely honest with your partner, you share both big things and little things in your life. When it comes to honesty about finances, researchers in a recent study found that a vast majority of participants had hidden or lied about their spending habits, savings, or amount of debt.⁴ This may be an indication of financial infidelity.

Financial infidelity happens when you expect your romantic partner to disapprove of your financial behavior so you intentionally don’t mention it. Having open and honest communication about finances, debt, and spending habits can help rebuild trust in a relationship.

4. Structure Your Money Conversations

Structured conversations provide a format where each person knows and agrees to show up at a specific time to address an agreed-upon issue in the relationship. Set aside a regular time to have money conversations with your partner, reserved solely for emotional communication and working through financial conflicts in healthy ways. Doing so makes sure you stay on the same page in your relationship.

5. Stay Calm

Use mindfulness strategies to calm your mind and promote a relaxed and collaborative atmosphere for resolving problems. Across hundreds of cultures and thousands of years, the breath is believed to tie together the mind, body, and spirit. By slowing and deepening our breath, we can relax our minds and bodies, thus bringing our attention to the here and now. Anytime you can notice and connect with your breath, you are cultivating mindfulness.

Mindfulness can also help people clarify their values and recognize what is meaningful to them, thereby reducing impulsive financial behavior, such as charging frivolous items on credit.

6. Discuss Earning & Spending Behaviors

Maybe you and your partner have different spending habits and earning potential. No matter how big or small the differences are, start by having an honest and open conversation about your financial status early on in the relationship. When you do so, you are being vulnerable and building trust. Identify areas of strength and needed improvement; discuss your financial values and establish financial priorities as a couple; and create an action plan to achieve those goals with a timeline and manageable objectives.

7. Choose Your Battles

Acknowledge that as a couple, you have different opinions and beliefs. Respect that and have a money conversation about your financial boundaries. Be assertive and transparent with your communication. However, don’t manipulate your partner by trying to make them behave like you do or how you want them to.

When both you and your partner become clear on your financial boundaries, it makes it easier to have money conversations. Recognize you won’t win every battle, so choose your battles wisely while keeping each other’s limits in mind. Zoom out and focus on the bigger, global issues (like spending beyond your means), rather than zeroing in on the minutia (like the expensive concert tickets your partner recently bought).

8. Make It a Habit

Schedule a regular date night or financial check-in with your partner where you mainly focus on finances. You can plan these dates in a time span that works best for you two. Some choose to meet each month while others choose weekly. By consistently keeping these date nights on your calendar, you’re not only putting time, energy, and effort into your finances, but keeping the lines of communication open. The more routinely you meet, the more you will stay on top of your finances and stay on track to meet your goals.

9. Organize Your Finances

You’ll want to explore ways that make talking about money with your partner effective and helpful. Focus on discussing which of your resources and bills are kept separate and which are combined together. Different couples have different ways of organizing their finances—some keep everything separate and live like roommates, some combine everything, and others agree on some combination of the two. When you keep the lines of communication open, you can more easily resolve conflicts around money.

Further, establish a system for managing your money. Are you going to use software or apps? You should have some agreed system for managing your joint finances. Additionally, determine who is responsible for paying certain bills, investing, or handling taxes. Figure out who is good at what when it comes to money. By dividing up the tasks, you can make sure that you are covering all financial bases.

10. Celebrate Your Successes

Some people don’t start talking about finances with their partner because they believe these types of conversations are all about addressing financial problems. That’s not true. It’s important to celebrate your successes along the way to keep the focus positive. Regular conversations help you work as a team and reach shared goals so you can live a greater life. We all deserve to achieve a life filled with inner peace, support, and financial success.

How to Start a Conversation About Finances With Your Partner

If you’re not on the same page about finances with your partner, it can be hard to bring up the topic. Nobody wants to bring up a difficult or potentially awkward conversation and initiate what could be an argument. However, if you want a healthy relationship, you need to come to some agreement about how you manage your finances.

Here are some tips for starting a conversation about finances with your partner:

• Set a specific time: Don’t talk about finances in the heat of the moment when there is a problem and emotions are running high. It is good to choose time boundaries for a start and an end to the conversation.
• Identify issues to discuss beforehand: Choose a theme to discuss. Maybe it’s holiday spending, looking at future financial goals, or deciding if it’s time to purchase a new vehicle.
• Pick a time where you are both refreshed: Sunday morning might be a better time than Wednesday after work when you are both feeling frazzled. Make sure you aren’t hungry, angry, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol when having the discussion.
• Consider meeting somewhere public: Having the conversation at a coffee shop or library might reduce the likelihood of raised voices or emotions escalating to an overwhelming level. Being in a neutral location might remove triggers such as the stack of bills on the desk or the broken appliance that needs to be replaced.
• Set a positive intention: Rather than approach the conversation as a battle, set a positive intention for the conversation. For example, the intention to devise a creative compromise to resolve a recurring money conflict, so you can have a more peaceful and happy relationship.

When to Seek Professional Help

It’s time to seek professional help if you or your partner are experiencing frequent challenging conflicts over money, an inability to find compromise, financial inequity, financial abuse in marriage, or a lack of accountability. The benefits of therapy include improving your well-being by recognizing and changing unhelpful money scripts, money stories, and self-limiting thought patterns and self-sabotaging behaviors.

Therapists can assess client’s money scripts during the info-gathering process so they can start the conversation around their impact. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques include thought records, applying mindfulness to finance, and concepts from narrative therapy to help people become the author, and not merely the protagonist, of their money story.

To better approach finances in your relationship, consider seeking:

• Educational resources: Take an online personal finance course, enroll in a class at your local community college, or attend a seminar at your bank or credit union. Attend as a couple to promote your financial literacy together.
• Couples and marriage counseling: Couples counseling can give you a safe space to have money conversations and a neutral mediator help resolve any financial conflict. You can find a couples or marriage counselor through an online therapist directory, doctor referral, or family referral.
• Financial advising: Having a financial planner or advisor as a mediator can be very helpful if you and your partner have different financial styles. They can help ground you in reality and find a happy medium so you can have effective money conversations.

Final Thoughts

Learning how to talk about money with your partner in a way that is open and honest can be challenging but is essential to a solid relationship. Healthy communication during money conversations is a skill that can be practiced and developed. There are professionals who can provide you with the support you need and deserve to develop financial intimacy and a successful shared financial life.