Relationship conflict is normal and even necessary because it can help us feel more connected and known by our partner, if we handle it in a healthy manner. Unhealthy conflict, however, can lead to distance, disconnect and unhappiness. If conflict is tearing your relationship apart, it’s time to make some changes to the way you and your partner navigate differences by bringing more positivity into your conflict discussions and into your everyday life.
Common Causes of Relationship Conflict
So why do couples fight? Couples fight because they are two very different individuals with different perspectives, beliefs, personalities and values. Healthy couples embrace and even welcome these differences, and learn ways to fight fairly. In an unhealthy relationship, however, people try to change one another and the relationship ends up suffering as a result.
Conflict in a relationship can occur when couples try to resolve their differences when research conducted by Dr. John Gottman shows that most issues are perpetual, meaning they can’t be resolved.1 The goal of conflict then is not to resolve differences but to manage differences.
Another reason conflict can occur is because couples stop feeling like they are friends. When the friendship system in a relationship deteriorates, it makes it very difficult to navigate conflict well.
Is Relationship Conflict Normal & Healthy?
Conflict is normal because we are all human and we all mess up sometimes. There will inevitably be times that we miscommunicate with our partner, which can occur for many reasons. Maybe we are tired, distracted, misunderstood or said something we shouldn’t have. As Drs. John & Julie Gottman say, “Expecting no communication snafus in a relationship is like expecting a hole-in-one every time you hit a golf ball.”2
When Conflict Is Healthy in a Relationship
What matters is how you deal with the miscommunications and inevitable differences between the two of you when they arise. In healthy relationships, these points of conflict help the couple feel more connected and understand one another better because they are able to talk about the issue, hear one another and repair when needed. Gottman writes, “Happy relationships aren’t relationships where there is no fighting. They are relationships where repairs are made after regrettable incidents happen – and where a couple connects with each other day to day.”2
In healthy conflict, couples are also gentle with one another. They stick to ‘I’ statements, as opposed to ‘you’ statements. They communicate how they feel and what they need without blaming their partner. If one partner does feel criticized, they are able to repair in the moment and get back on track. They also accept one another’s influence. They allow their partner’s perspective, feelings and needs to change their perspective, which allows for compromise to occur.
When Conflict Is Not Healthy
Conflict becomes unhealthy when the negativity in the discussion outweighs the positivity. As Gottman’s research shows, the ratio of the number of seconds of positive-to-negative emotions during conflict averaged .8 to 1 in couples that were unhappy and 5 to 1 in couples that were happy.3 In healthy conflict more positive emotions occur due to repairs being made, partners feeling heard and emotions and feelings being accepted.
Additionally, there are types of negativity that can occur in conflict that are more damaging than others. The most destructive negativity that can occur in conflict is what Dr. John Gottman calls ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.’1 These include criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. When these are present in a relationship, there is a good chance that the relationship will dissolve at some point in time.
Another sign of unhealthy conflict is what Dr. Gottman calls flooding. Flooding is when your body has a physiological response to what is happening emotionally in the conversation. This occurs when ‘your partners negativity-whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness-is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked.’ 1 When this occurs, your physiology changes, including an elevation in your heart rate and a decline in the amount of oxygen you are taking in. At this point, people are no longer relational human beings, they are in survival mode. This is the point of the conversation when the most pain and hurt usually occurs in a relationship.
How Relationship Conflict Can Bring You Closer Together
Conflict in a relationship is often viewed as a bad sign, a sign that the relationship is in trouble. It is something to be avoided. However, this is not so. Conflict is a normal part of a relationship and can bring us closer to our partner by helping us understand one another better and by helping us feel safe and important.
When we have a disagreement with our partner, it is an opportunity. When we take the time to hear our partner and share our side, it provides the chance to learn something new about one another that you may not have known had the conflict not occurred. For example, many couples fight about money. How much should we spend, how much should we save? Our beliefs about money come from our history and who we are as people. When a couple uses a disagreement about money to learn more about where their partner’s values come from, what their experiences are, they grow closer. Feeling close and connected comes from feeling known. When we use opportunities of conflict to learn more about one another, our bond deepens.
Conflict also brings us closer by providing a feeling of safety and importance when we are able to repair. Safety comes from knowing that, despite challenges, our partner will be there for us and we will be able to repair the relationship. Research by Ed Tronick shows that even secure infants and mothers are mistuned 70% of the time. What makes the child feel safe is that these mothers repair when they get it wrong. We have the same need in our adult relationships.
You don’t have to get it right all of the time, as long as you can resolve the conflict and repair the damage with your partner you can both continue to feel safe. Repair also sends the message ‘You are important to me. When we have a conflict, I will take time to slow down and work through these feelings with you because you matter to me.’ Feeling that our partner will always be there for us, even when things get rough, helps us feel close, connected and secure in the relationship.
10 Tips for Dealing With Relationship Conflicts
In order to better navigate through conflict, you and your partner must work toward achieving two goals. The first is to decrease the negativity in your conflict discussions and the second is to increase the positivity. By achieving these goals, you can get to the 1:5 ratio found to be indicative of successful relationships in Gottman’s research.
1. Couples Therapy
The concept of positivity in a conflict is foreign to many people. Most couples I speak to either didn’t see their parents fight at all or saw fighting wrought with negativity. In other words, most of us did not have role models for how to have a healthy, successful conflict discussion. Therefore, most of us don’t know how to do it or even where to begin. Seeking help from a qualified professional is the best way to ensure that change happens and that you are successful.
If you are interested in seeking therapy with your partner, I encourage you to seek out a professional that has expertise specifically in the area of couples therapy. To locate clinicians trained in the Gottman Method, you can visit our directory.
2. Individual Therapy
I get many calls in which one partner wants to seek counseling but their partner is not yet ready to do so. If this is your situation, don’t give up on the idea of therapy altogether. Individual therapy can be an effective way to improve a relationship. An individual therapist can help you understand your role in the relationship dynamic and provide you with tools and insights that can start to shift your relationship in a positive direction. After all, if one person makes changes, the system must change as well.
3. Soft Start
If, however, you are not ready for therapy or would like to work on making positive changes on your own, the following are some tips on ways to begin to decrease the negative and increase the positive in your relationship.
The first step to a more positive conflict discussion begins with how the topic is broached. Research has shown that how an argument starts determines how it will end. Gottman shares that, “96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the…interaction!”1 So if you bring up a topic with criticism (what Gottman calls a harsh start up), the chance of that conversation ending well is not good.
To give your conversation the best chance of success at ending on a positive note, you must bring your concerns up gently. In order to do this, you can follow the 3 steps below (which Gottman calls a Soft Start Up):
- State how you feel about the issue. Make sure ‘I feel’ is followed by a feeling word (sad, angry, worried, scared, hurt, lonely, etc.). If ‘I feel’ is followed by ‘like’ or ‘that’ chances are you are no longer talking about feelings.
- Describe what is upsetting you without judgment. In other words, state the facts of the situation.
- Share what you need from your partner in clear and concrete terms. This will give them a recipe for success in helping resolve the issue.
4. Listen to Your Partner
Once the topic has been brought up gently and the conversation is on its way, it is important that you both take time to really listen to one another. The goal of a successful conflict discussion is for both parties to feel heard and understood. You can’t make this happen if you are both focused on sharing your own perspective and trying to convince your partner you are right.
In order to be a good listener, you must first set aside your own agenda (just temporarily) and tune into your partner’s world. Although you will disagree with the details of what they are saying, just try to understand and hear their emotions. Being present for your partner’s emotions builds trust and love. As Dr. Sue Johnson writes, “emotional responsiveness is the key to lasting love for couples.”4
It is also important to remain curious (as opposed to judgmental) if you are not sure what your partner is saying. Ask questions, reflect what you hear them saying and seek clarification when needed. The more you can practice really hearing your partner and helping them feel heard, the easier the conversation will go.
5. Accept Influence
Accepting influence is crucial if you want to be successful at compromise. The best solution is one in which both you and your partner’s feelings/needs were taken into account. You should both compromise by giving up something and gaining something so you both gain something you want. When you both get something you want, the solution will feel like a win/win, rather than a win/lose.
Accepting influence means that you view your partner as an equal with good problem solving skills. That you listen to their ideas and allow their suggestions to change your ideas. Some examples of accepting influence include statements such as “Good point.” Or “I hadn’t thought of that.” The more you can accept your partner’s influence, the more they will accept your influence and the easier compromise will be.
6. Self-Soothe
Being able to hear your partner’s emotions and be emotionally responsive to them requires that you are able to stay calm and engaged. During a conflict discussion, pay attention to your body. Are you feeling relaxed and at ease or tense and stressed? If you start to notice tension in your body, take a few deep breaths and see if you can calm your body and mind and tune back into your partner.
7. Take Breaks as Needed
If you are unable to calm your body and stay actively engaged in the conversation, it may be time to take a break. When we become flooded and our physiology changes, it is impossible to hear our partner, solve problems or have empathy for them until we are able to calm down, which requires a break. Let your partner know that you are feeling overwhelmed and need a short break.
Go into another room for awhile and engage in an activity that is relaxing for you. Deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation can help you calm down. Some people find other activities more relaxing, such as listening to music, taking a bath or going on a walk. Give yourself at least 20 minutes to calm down before re-engaging in the conversation with your partner.
8. Repair During Conflict Discussions
Nobody is perfect, which is why having the ability to repair in a conflict discussion is so crucial to healthy conflict management. As Dr. Gottman’s research shows, even happy, stable couples get off track at times during conflict discussions. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is their ability to get back on track or not.
So what does a repair during conflict look like? A repair is anything you say to de-escalate tension in a discussion. There are many different types of repairs and repairs look different for each couple.
However, below are a few examples of repairs that can help ease the tension and get you back on track.
- Tune your partner into how they are feeling: For example, perhaps your partner says something that leaves you feeling criticized. As opposed to responding with defensiveness (which will escalate the situation) you can try sharing that you feel criticized. This may look like ‘I am feeling criticized. Can you please rephrase that?’
- Take responsibility when you mess up: We are all human and sometimes things come out of our mouth that we immediately regret or we know were harsh. Many of us, however, do not say that in the moment. We just keep pushing forward with the conversation. However, taking responsibility in the moment can be a powerful way to de-escalate the situation. Taking responsibility can be as simple as ‘My reaction was too extreme. Sorry. Let me try again.’
- Humor: Humor can be hard for many people to access when they are in the midst of a conflict discussion but it can be the most successful form of a repair if you are able to use it. An example of humor includes sticking out your tongue in a playful manner, making a joke or giving a goofy smile to elicit laughter and lighten the mood.
9. Date Nights
You may find it strange to include friendship skills in an article on conflict but the strength of your friendship determines your ability to manage conflict well. If you take the time to intentionally nurture your friendship, then you can enter conflict discussions with a feeling of being on the same team. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that the quality of a couples’ friendship predicts whether repair attempts will work or not.
There is a reason that any marriage therapist you see will encourage date nights. It’s because they work! Date nights give you and your partner time to connect, have fun and talk about things other than everyday tasks, responsibilities and schedules. Date night tends to evoke an image of an evening out to a restaurant, which can be expensive and the last thing you want to do at the end of a long day.
Date night can be anything you want it to be. The spirit of date night is a designated time to spend together and to focus on the relationship. This can be accomplished in countless numbers of ways (and it doesn’t have to be at night or cost you any money!). For example, you could have a picnic on the living room floor, sit outside after the kids are asleep and just talk, take a walk on the beach, take a cooking class together or order a Date Night Subscription Box. The ideas are endless. The key is to get creative and make it a priority to ensure it happens.
10. Turn Toward Your Partner
When your partner asks you a question, reaches for you or tries to get your attention in some way, what do you do? Do you respond? If so, do you respond positively or negatively? Do you respond most of the time or very few times? Research by Dr. Gottman shows that couples that are stable and happy turn toward one another’s bids for connection around 86% of the time.
This means that you must be aware of your partners bids and make the choice to respond positively most of the time. Turning toward your partner will bolster your friendship and help you manage conflict. On the flip side, Gottman shares that “people who have trouble with the bidding process have more conflict – conflict that might be prevented if they could simply acknowledge one another’s emotional needs.”5
Final Thoughts on Relationship Conflict
Ensuring that you and your partner respond positively to one another’s bids requires presence. You must be present and in the moment with your partner to make sure you are not missing bids. Many couples I see report that they are missing one another’s bids because they are distracted.
Make it a point to set distractions aside for at least some time each day. This means put your phone down, turn your computer and TV off and just be there. Relationships don’t require large gestures of love everyday but rather small moments of connection each day that add up to let your partner know you care about them and they are important to you.
Additional Resources
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
