Relationship conflict is normal and even necessary because it can help us feel more connected and known by our partner, if we handle it in a healthy manner. Unhealthy conflict, however, can lead to distance, disconnect and unhappiness. If conflict is tearing your relationship apart, it’s time to make some changes to the way you and your partner navigate differences by bringing more positivity into your conflict discussions and into your everyday life.
Common Causes of Relationship Conflict
So, why do couples fight? Couples fight because they are two different individuals with different perspectives, beliefs, personalities, and values. Healthy couples embrace and even welcome these differences, learning to follow fair fighting rules. In an unhealthy relationship, however, people try to change one another and the relationship ends up suffering as a result.
Common causes of relationship conflict are:1
- Couples try to resolve vs. manage differences
- Couples stop feeling like friends
- Couples try to change each other
Is Relationship Conflict Normal & Healthy?
Interpersonal conflict is normal. There will inevitably be times that we miscommunicate with our partner, which can occur for many reasons. Maybe we are tired, distracted, misunderstood, or we just said something we shouldn’t have. As Drs. John & Julie Gottman say, “Expecting no communication snafus in a relationship is like expecting a hole-in-one every time you hit a golf ball.”2
When Conflict Is Healthy In a Relationship
What matters is how you deal with the miscommunications and inevitable differences when they arise. In healthy relationships, these points of conflict help the couple feel more connected and understood because they are able to talk about the issue, hear one another, and repair when needed.
Gottman writes, “Happy relationships aren’t relationships where there is no fighting. They are relationships where repairs are made after regrettable incidents happen – and where a couple connects with each other day to day.”2
In healthy conflict, couples are gentle with one another. They stick to “I” statements vs. “you” statements. They communicate how they feel and what they need without blaming their partner. If one partner feels criticized, they’re able to repair in the moment and get back on track. They also accept one another’s influence, and allow their partner’s perspective, feelings, and needs to change their perspective, allowing for compromise.
When Conflict Is Not Healthy
Conflict becomes unhealthy when the negativity in the discussion outweighs the positivity. As Gottman’s research shows, the ratio of the number of seconds of positive-to-negative emotions during conflict averaged .8 to 1 in couples that were unhappy and 5 to 1 in couples that were happy.3
In healthy conflict, more positive emotions occur due to repairs being made, partners feeling heard, and emotions and feelings being accepted.
Additionally, there are types of negativity that can occur in conflict that are more damaging than others. The most destructive negativity that can occur in conflict is Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”1 These include criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. When these are present in a relationship, there is a good chance that the relationship will eventually dissolve.
Another sign of unhealthy conflict is what Dr. Gottman calls flooding. Flooding is when your body has a physiological, emotional response to what is happening in the conversation. This occurs when your partner’s negativity – whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness – is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked.1
When this occurs, your physiology changes, including an elevation in heart rate and decline in the amount of oxygen you’re taking in. At this point, people are no longer relational; they’re in survival mode. This is the point of the conversation when the most pain and hurt usually occurs.
How Relationship Conflict Can Bring You Closer Together
When we have a disagreement with our partner, it is an opportunity. When we take the time to hear our partner and share our side, it provides the chance to learn something new about each other that you may not have known had the conflict not occurred.
For example, many couples fight about money. Our beliefs about money come from our history and who we are as people. When a couple uses a disagreement about money to learn more about where their partner’s values come from, they grow closer. Feeling close and connected comes from feeling known. When we use opportunities of conflict to learn more about one another, our bond deepens.
Conflict also brings us closer by providing a feeling of safety and importance when we are able to repair. Safety comes from knowing that, despite challenges, our partner will be there for us.
21 Tips for Dealing With Relationship Conflicts
In order to better navigate conflict, you and your partner must work toward achieving two goals. First, work to decrease the negativity in your conflict discussions. Second, increase positivity. By achieving these goals, you can get to the 1:5 ratio found to be indicative of successful relationships in Gottman’s research.
Here are 21 tips to deal with relationship conflicts:
1. Attend Couples Therapy
The concept of positivity in conflict is foreign to many people. Most couples I speak to either didn’t see their parents fight at all or saw fighting wrought with negativity. In other words, most of us did not have role models for how to have a healthy, successful conflict discussion.
Therefore, most of us don’t know how to do it or even where to begin. Seeking help from a qualified professional is the best way to ensure that change happens.
If you’re interested in seeking therapy with your partner, I encourage you to seek out a professional that has expertise specifically in the area of couples therapy. To locate clinicians trained in the Gottman Method and other forms of couples therapy, visit an online therapist directory.
2. Attend Individual Therapy
If your partner doesn’t want to attend couples therapy, don’t give up on the idea of therapy altogether. Individual counseling for adults can be an effective way to improve a relationship. An individual therapist can help you understand your role in the relationship dynamic and provide you with tools and insights that can start to shift your relationship in a positive direction. After all, if one person makes changes, the system must change as well.
3. Communicate With “I Feel” Statements
“‘I feel’ statements are a great place to start. Consider them the key that opens the door to a resolution. ‘X happened, and it made me feel Y.’ Even, ‘When you said X, I felt Y’ is acceptable, but keep in mind that if this isn’t phrased carefully, the other person could feel defensive. When you can lay everything on the table, it becomes easier to sort through and resolve. It’s worth noting that this strategy works best in relationships that are safe, and where vulnerability and honesty are allowed. If conflicts are unmanageable or feel too hurtful to work through, it could be time to seek advice from a therapist.” – Rachael DeSaussure, LPC-MHSP, NCC, Assistant Clinical Director of Kindred Place
4. Try a Soft Start
Research shows that how an argument starts determines how it will end. Gottman shares that, “96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the…interaction!”1 So if you bring up a topic with criticism (what Gottman calls a harsh start up), the chance of that conversation ending well is not good.
To give your conversation the best chance of success at ending on a positive note, you must bring your concerns up gently.
Follow these three steps for a soft start up:
- State how you feel about the issue: make sure “I feel” is followed by a feeling word (sad, angry, worried, scared, hurt, lonely, etc.). If “I feel” is followed by “like” or “that,” chances are you are no longer talking about feelings.
- Describe what is upsetting you without judgment: in other words, state the facts of the situation
- Share what you need from your partner in clear and concrete terms: this will give them a recipe for success in helping resolve the issue
5. Take a Time Out
“In the moments when things get heated and emotions are heightened, we are much more prone to do and say things that we would never do if we were able to take a step back and approach things from a calmer place. The time-out can be for a matter of minutes, hours, or even days if you feel like you need that amount of time after your initial attempts to work through the fight are unsuccessful. And ideally it can be something you both agree upon, but if just one of you needs the time-out, it’s important to advocate for yourself and not subjugate that need because your more activated partner is insistent on continuing the argument.
By creating an environment where you can both take a break from the conflict, you are giving each other the opportunity to engage with each other in a more compassionate and understanding manner where you can hear each other clearly, rather than setting yourselves up for failure by attempting to fight through the hurt and distrust to find common ground.” – Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, ATR-BC, Owner + Founder of Take Root Therapy
6. Agree to Disagree
“Sometimes, no matter how well you and your partner communicate, there will be topics on which you just don’t see eye to eye. Rather than forcing each other to change your respective opinions, it’s important to learn to agree to disagree. This doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss the issue at hand – in fact, open communication is key – but rather that you respect each other’s opinions and remain open-minded. Of course, there are some topics on which you may need to find some common ground, but in general, it’s important to allow each other the freedom to be individuals.” – Joni Ogle, LCSW, CSAT, CEO of The Heights Treatment
7. Listen to Your Partner With Empathy
Once the topic has been brought up gently and the conversation is on its way, it is important that you both take time to really listen. The goal of a successful conflict discussion is for both parties to feel heard and understood. You can’t make this happen if you’re both focused on sharing your own perspective and trying to convince your partner that you’re right.
To be a good listener, first set aside your own agenda (just temporarily) and tune into your partner’s world. Although you will disagree with the details of what they are saying, just try to understand and hear their emotions. Being present for your partner’s emotions builds trust and love. As Dr. Sue Johnson writes, “emotional responsiveness is the key to lasting love for couples.”4
8. Apologize & Own Your Side of the Street
“In my experience working with couples, one of the hardest things for people to do is to apologize for their part without blaming the other person or telling them what their part is. When we come to our partner after an argument, it is important that we share what we did that was not okay and be clear in owning our part. Instead of saying “I am sorry for my part in the fight” we need to say ‘I am sorry for raising my voice, interrupting and assuming that you ….’. or ‘I apologize for not communicating with you that I would not be home in time for dinner’.
We DO NOT say ‘but you did ______’. When we blame or make someone else accountable for our behavior, we are not engaging in healthy behaviors. It is also not our job to point out to our partner all of the ways that they messed up. No one wants to hear that right after a fight.” – Jocelyn Hamsher, LPC
9. Avoid the Four Horsemen in a Relationship: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, & Stonewalling
“Instead of criticizing your partner, try to find a gentle way to explain the problem. Avoid being defensive and take accountability. Do not use contempt; avoid being condescending or sarcastic when resolving conflict, because your partner may feel like you’re belittling them. Communicate your feelings and needs properly. And instead of stonewalling your partner, find a way to self-soothe, especially if it’s getting too much, so you can remain present in the resolution.” – Lauren Cook-McKay, LMFT, Vice President of Marketing at Divorce Answers
10. Be Curious About Your Partner’s Perspective
It is also important to remain curious (as opposed to judgmental) if you are not sure what your partner is saying. Ask questions, reflect what you hear them saying and seek clarification when needed. The more you can practice hearing your partner and helping them feel heard, the easier the conversation will go.
11. Brainstorm Solutions Together
“Brainstorming is the process of engaging in discussion to generate ideas and solve problems. This strategy is beneficial since it is a casual and informal issue-solving method. I propose brainstorming because it is an excellent technique for assisting clients in being open-minded and thinking outside the box to solve their problems. Brainstorming sparks creativity and assists partners in finding more imaginative solutions to their difficulties.
Set a time and place for the discussion of the issue at hand, and be sure to explain it thoroughly. Begin with the final goal in mind for the best brainstorming results. Set boundaries to narrow your attention. Before the discussion begins, each partner will generate at least ten alternative solutions to the problem. After the discussion has started, share your thoughts and develop new ones. Do a second round of individual brainstorming after the discussion; this is usually when the best ideas emerge. If you pass judgment or condemn any possibility, your results will suffer. Discuss and analyze each viable option after all ideas have been presented. Finally, decide on one idea to implement and how you will each contribute to it. The commitment of each partner to reaching the end goal is the driving force behind the efforts.” – Dr. Tiphanie Gibbs, LCMFT
12. Accept Influence
Accepting influence is crucial if you want to be successful at compromise. The best solution is one in which both you and your partner’s feelings/needs are taken into account. You should both compromise by giving up something and gaining something. When you both get something you want, the solution will feel like a win/win vs. a win/lose.
Accepting influence means that you view your partner as an equal with good problem-solving skills. It also means you listen to their ideas and allow their suggestions to change your ideas. Examples of accepting influence include statements such as “Good point” or “I hadn’t thought of that.” The more you can accept your partner’s influence, the more they will accept your influence, and the easier compromise will be.
13. Stop Following Your Thoughts & Start Focusing on Your Feelings
“During conflict, the natural reaction is to get defensive. Anger and defensiveness will evoke anger and defensiveness in the other person, that’s natural human behavior. And during conflict, our minds can race and get away from us: make up stories and create distance to try to protect us, but often those stories are not true. Therefore, what’s really beneficial is to stop following the story in your mind and start focusing on the feeling in your body. What are you feeling? Fear, sadness, hurt? Speak from that place. Communicate those feelings. This works because when we focus on feelings, what comes up is often more vulnerable and real, which then evokes compassion and empathy from your partner. Instead of it being a confrontation, the feelings become a bridge for connection. Sharing feelings is also a way to share more of yourself with your partner, which will help them understand you better. Understanding each other is the ultimate tool for conflict prevention.” – Gaby Balsells, clinical psychologist and Couples Therapist
14. Self-soothe
Being able to hear your partner’s emotions and be emotionally responsive to them requires you to stay calm and engaged. During a conflict discussion, pay attention to your body. Are you feeling relaxed, at ease, or tense and stressed? If you start to notice tension in your body, take a few deep breaths and see if you can calm your body and mind and tune back into your partner.
15. Set Some Ground Rules
“If conflict is a regular occurrence in your relationship, it might be helpful to set some ground rules for how to handle it. For example, you could agree to take a break if things start to get too heated. This way, you can both cool down and come back to the discussion when you’re more level-headed. Alternatively, you could agree to never go to bed angry or say hurtful things that you can’t take back. Of course, these are just examples – you’ll need to figure out what works best for you and your partner.” – Joni Ogle, LCSW, CSAT, CEO of The Heights Treatment
16. Repair During Conflict Discussions
Nobody is perfect, which is why having the ability to repair in a conflict discussion is so crucial to healthy conflict management. As Dr. Gottman’s research shows, even happy, stable couples get off track at times. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is their ability to get back on track.
So, what does a repair during conflict look like? A repair is anything you say to de-escalate tension. There are many different types of repairs that look different for each couple.
Here are examples of repairs to ease tension:
- Tune your partner into how they’re feeling: for example, perhaps your partner says something that leaves you feeling criticized. As opposed to responding with defensiveness (which will escalate the situation), try sharing that you feel criticized. This may look like “I am feeling criticized. Can you please rephrase that?”
- Take responsibility when you mess up: we’re all human and sometimes things come out of our mouth that we immediately regret. Many of us, however, do not say that at the moment. We just keep pushing forward with the conversation. However, taking responsibility in the moment can be a powerful way to de-escalate. Taking responsibility and apologizing sincerely for your actions can be as simple as “My reaction was too extreme. Sorry. Let me try again.”
- Use humor when possible: humor can be hard for many people to access when they are in the midst of a conflict discussion but it can be the most successful form of a repair if you are able to use it. An example of humor includes sticking out your tongue in a playful manner, making a joke or giving a goofy smile to elicit laughter and lighten the mood.
17. Share How You Will Improve Moving Forward
“Words are great but the real healing and accountability comes when we share how we will change moving forward. Using the example above, it could look like “I am sorry for raising my voice and interrupting. Moving forward I will keep my voice calm and not interrupt. If I am struggling with those things, I will ask for a time out to calm down before we continue the conversation”. It is not enough for us to say sorry, we need to actually back it up with actions.” – Jocelyn Hamsher, LPC
18. Plan Date Nights
Date nights give you and your partner time to connect, have fun, and talk about things other than everyday tasks, responsibilities, and schedules. Date night tends to evoke an image of an evening out to a restaurant, which can be expensive and the last thing you want to do at the end of a long day; however, date night can be anything you want it to be.
Examples of date nights:
- Have a picnic on the living room floor
- Sit outside together after the kids go to bed
- Take a walk on the beach
- Take a cooking class
- Order a Date Night Subscription Box
19. Turn Toward Your Partner
When your partner asks you a question, reaches for you, or tries to get your attention in some way, what do you do? Do you respond? If so, do you respond positively or negatively? Do you respond most of the time or very few times? Research by Dr. Gottman shows that couples that are stable and happy turn toward one another’s bids for connection around 86% of the time. This means you must be aware of your partner’s bids and make the choice to respond positively most of the time.5
Turning toward your partner will bolster your friendship and help you manage conflict. On the flip side, Gottman shares that “people who have trouble with the bidding process have more conflict – conflict that might be prevented if they could simply acknowledge one another’s emotional needs.”5
20. Be Present
Ensuring that you and your partner respond positively to one another’s bids requires presence. You must be present and in the moment with your partner to make sure you are not missing bids. Many couples I see report that they are missing one another’s bids because they are distracted.
21. Share What You Need Moving Forward
“While it would be ideal for our partner to also own all of their dysfunction when we acknowledge ours, they may not and even when they don’t, it is our job to stay on our side of the street and share what we want and need without jumping to their side to point out their part. When we do that, often we are not heard and it creates more defensiveness in the relationship.
We can share our preferences without blaming or shaming our partner. For instance, instead of ‘In the future I need you to stop yelling at me because you always yell when we get in a fight and then I feel like I need to yell back’ try saying ‘In the future, I would appreciate if we did not yell when we are in a heated discussion’ or ‘When either of us are getting too heated in the conversation, I would appreciate if we took a timeout to cool down and then come back and have the conversation when we are both calm’. This is much less threatening and accusatory, which allows the other person to hear you better.” – Jocelyn Hamsher, LPC
How to Find a Couples Therapist
To find a couples therapist, start by searching an online directory. You can also check in with friends, family members, or trusted coworkers. Some may be in therapy and can offer recommendations. Your primary care provider may also be able to reference you to someone effective.
Couples counseling can be effective for those who are ready to put in the work with an experienced therapist. Once you’ve found a therapist to work with, prepare for the couples counseling session and determine to stick with it.
Final Thoughts On Relationship Conflict
Healthy conflict in a relationship is normal. Just remember, relationships don’t require large gestures of love everyday but rather small moments of connection each day that add up to let your partner know you care about them.
Relationship Conflict Infographics
