Having better communication in your romantic relationship starts with being open minded and listening. When you focus on what the other person is expressing, it allows you to have better clarity. First, try to understand what is keeping you both stuck in unhealthy communication. Explore your communication and behavior patterns. Being open and honest helps you both to feel free from judgment and build trust.
Why Is Healthy Communication in Relationships Important?
Communication is important in healthy relationships as it brings people closer and helps them deal with relationship conflict. When you understand your partner, you may feel more connected both emotionally and physically. Communication is noted as fundamental to human interaction and intimate couple relationships because communication is a tool for knowing or emotionally connecting with one another.1
Intimacy begins when a partner shares or communicates something personal and important to them and the other partner responds in an accepting way.1 The goal of quality communication is the achievement and maintenance of interpersonal understanding, limiting overthinking in the relationship and misunderstandings that lead to conflict.2
Poor communication can lead to a feeling of disconnect and lack of intimacy. Feelings of resentment can occur and you may be more easily irritated. This makes it harder to want to have a conversation with your partner if you feel they don’t understand. Unhealthy communication can lead to escalation which results in intense reactions where everything is out of hand.3 Avoidance or withdrawal can also occur when one partner thinks their partner is unwilling to start or continue an interaction.3 This type of response can also lead to maintaining a superficial relationship or breaking up.
Signs That You Might Have a Problem with Communication in a Relationship
If you notice that your conversations frequently turn into escalated arguments, you may have a problem with communication in a relationship. Some signs to acknowledge include interrupting, being disengaged, doing something else while having a conversation, assuming, unable to compromise, and not connecting with your partner by dismissing or walking away.
If you think you might have a problem with communication, you might be experiencing:
- Blaming
- Assuming
- Becoming defensive
- Shutting down
- Criticizing
- Lying
- Stubbornness
- Abandonment issues
- Passive aggressive communication
- Aggressive behavior
- Trust issues
- Jealousy
How to Improve Your Communication Skills: 8 Tips for a Healthier Relationship
Improving your communication skills for a healthier relationship takes work. Both partners need to be invested in making positive daily changes. Practicing the tips mentioned will help to build a healthy dynamic in your relationship and bring you closer. If you and your partner feel you are making attempts to listen more and be present, you will both feel more appreciated and important.
Here are eight tips for improving communication with your partner:
1. Make Sure to Practice Active Listening
Listening to understand is most important when communicating. Most people just listen and think about what they want to say, however, listening to understand allows for clarification without assumption. When we think of communication, we may think of only speaking, when it also consists of listening.
Do not just focus on the words, but also the message your partner is sharing. Let your partner know you are listening by responding in a way that highlights what they say. This can be done by showing them you are listening by having a good attitude and giving attention. This will help you be in the moment and allow your partner to feel heard.
2. Be Aware of Your Body Language
Be mindful and self-aware of your body language when speaking. This self-awareness allows you to be present and more cognizant. If you are becoming frustrated you may be expressing it through bodily movements or gestures.
When you observe that your partner has a calm demeanor and open body movements, you become more secure; so that even if you share negative thoughts, it’s with a feeling that you’ll be more understood. Put down the electronics and show your partner that you are open to listen to what they have to say. This helps them to feel important and to bring you both closer.
3. Stop & Think
Take a minute to stop and think about what you are going to say. Be aware of what you want your partner to receive and vice versa. When you take time to understand what they are saying, you can be in control of your reactions and responses.
Take notes so you can share your thoughts with your partner in a clear and simple way, or try having structured conversations. This will help you to identify your triggers and allow you to share your feelings without blame or defense mechanisms. Your partner will then feel as they can let their guard down and listen to you without having negative self-doubts.
4. Ask for Clarification
When you find you are in a conversation and you do not understand what the other person is saying, ask questions to gain more insight. If you ask for clarification, you leave little time to assume what the other person means and you reduce the risk of assuming the worst. This is helpful so you do not fill in any gaps yourself and create a false narrative. When you ask questions, you are giving the other person a chance to explain what they mean and this creates more connection.
5. Use Reflections
In order to let your partner know you understand what they are saying, it is helpful to use reflections. This is a method of repeating back what they said to you. When you do this, you are validating their feelings and showing you heard them. This can also be helpful in problem solving as it helps in dealing effectively with any issue or setback.
Some examples of starting a sentence using reflections include, “I hear you saying…”, and “It sounds like you feel….”. Once your partner recognizes that you are willing to listen and understand, they will feel more secure in sharing their thoughts and opinions in which you may find more resolution.
6. Know Your Intent
Knowing your intent allows you to be aware of the purpose of what you say. This reduces your reaction to being defensive and protecting yourself. Most of the time, we speak to defend our point of view. Identifying what your intent is, gives you time to understand what you want your impact to be on the relationship. Most of the time we want to connect with our partner though we can push them away with our reactions. Being focused on your intent is helpful in keeping you focused on what you want to happen in the moment.
7. Be Open-Minded
Being open-minded means that you are considering the other person’s words and making an effort to understand. When you take time to consider your partner’s point of view, you create a safe space for them to share their thoughts and beliefs. Openness reflects the capacity of a person to receive information from others 2. This helps to show your partner that you will not be upset when you are wrong or when you have your idea challenged. This shows maturity and growth within the relationship.
8. Learn to Compromise
When you make time to have a conversation with your partner, you can work together to find ways to compromise. In most relationships, each partner has different ways of communicating. For example, one may be better at listening and one may be better at expressing themselves.
Compromise would include using a certain phrase to share with your partner to meet their communication needs in the moment. Each person will focus on their feelings and express themselves in the way they know their partner will receive it rather than reacting to the other person’s behaviors. Compromise helps you work together rather than escalating future situations.
How Therapy Can Help with Couples’ Communication
If you find your relationship lacking connection in the communication department, it may be time to seek professional help. Couples therapy can help identify the triggers and negative relationship patterns that are keeping you stuck. The tools provided may help you and your partner to implement healthy conflict resolution skills and practice healthy communication skills.
A therapist may use the method of Adlerian and social constructionist ideas called the reflecting “as if” technique.4 The reflecting process has three phases. The first includes the creativity and imagination of clients by using reflective questioning.4 The second phase includes a structured plan of action based on the couples reflective thinking.4 In the third phase, the couple implements the as if behaviors and then discussed the experience in session with their therapist.4
Behavioral marital therapy is beneficial in helping couples achieve specific goals including increasing the partners’ self-disclosure, mutual understanding and the negation of specific and positive problem solutions, while decreasing blaming, criticizing, and sidetracking when discussing a topic relevant to the relationship.5 Choosing a therapist is an important step in improving relationship communication, so be sure to prepare for couples counseling as well.
Healthy Communication in a Relationship Infographics
