Is Masturbating Cheating? 7 Tips for Addressing Conflict

What Is Considered Cheating?

Cheating has many different definitions, and the boundaries around appropriate behaviors vary from relationship to relationship. An action may be considered as “cheating” when someone betrays or violates these boundaries. Being unfaithful often means directly breaking a commitment–this can include sexual or emotional actions (or both). Cheating can range from engaging in a single act to having an extramarital affair.¹

Some common types of cheating include:

• Online affairs
• Micro cheating
• Sexting
• Texting
• Physical affairs
• Emotional affairs

What You Should Know About Masturbation

People masturbate for many different reasons–it coincides with relaxation; building a healthy relationship with one’s body; reducing stress; experiencing pleasure; and learning what one’s sexual preferences. While some masturbate when they don’t have a partner, many people in happy and committed relationships also masturbate.² A person may or may not feel comfortable masturbating in front of their partner.

People may masturbate in a relationship because:

• It’s something they’ve always enjoyed
• It helps them enjoy sex in a different way
• There are other variables impacting one’s sex life (different sex drives, pregnancy, limited time together)
• They simply want to enjoy themselves without compromise

Is Masturbating Cheating?

Most people wouldn’t consider masturbation as a form of cheating. In these circumstances, a person is simply enjoying pleasure without another partner. Likewise, many people start masturbating at a young age (the average onset is 13), and they continue engaging in this activity regardless of their relationship status. This applies to both men and women.³ It may be considered cheating if the couple has explicit rules about how, when, or why one masturbates.

Masturbating may be considered cheating if:

• It coincides with behavior that someone considers cheating (i.e., viewing porn)
• It replaces or dramatically impacts the couple’s sex life
• It becomes inherently compulsive
• It is frequently lied or denied about
• It directly betrays your partner’s sense of fidelity

What to Do When Masturbation Causes Conflict

You may feel concerned about your partner’s masturbation habits if you are uncomfortable with the idea of masturbation or if you’ve experienced trust issues (whether they are in the past or present). Regardless, it’s important to be mindful of your feelings and address this conflict appropriately. You don’t want to resent your partner or question the integrity of your relationship.

Here are seven things to try if masturbation has caused conflict in your relationship:

1. Rethink How You View Masturbation

Even though many people do it, we live in a society that largely stigmatizes masturbation. In some cultures, it is entirely taboo. But it’s important to try to be open-minded when it comes to this topic. If you’re struggling with your partner’s behavior, consider asking them about it. Remember that most sexual activity isn’t inherently ‘bad’ or ‘wrong.’

2. Rebuild Trust

Sometimes, masturbation conflicts emerge due to a lack of trust. For example, you might feel betrayed by your partner’s decision to masturbate after they’ve turned down having sex with you. Or, you might worry that they aren’t attracted to you. Rebuilding trust in your relationship generally happens outside of the bedroom. You two will both need to share expectations and make active attempts to meet those limits.

3. Communicate Your Needs

If you’re worried that masturbating is interfering with your sex life, communicate these concerns with your partner. Let them know how and why it’s impacting you. If you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum (and feel judged by your partner for masturbating), aim to be validating while also being specific about your needs. It’s okay to want to masturbate, but you should be willing to hear your partner’s concerns.

4. Discuss Appropriate Boundaries

It’s important for both partners to come together to review appropriate sexual boundaries. For instance, what represents an explicit betrayal of trust? What level of sexual frequency feels appropriate to each of you? In addition, try to talk about any main controversial topics like watching porn. Are any behaviors completely off-limits? If a partner violates an off-limits boundary, what is the consequence?

5. Identify Any (Potentially) Problematic Behavior

Masturbation, like any behavior, can become compulsive. Problematic masturbation can interfere with your work, relationships, and overall functioning.⁴ If you are masturbating compulsively and spending excessive time or energy doing it, you may need to address this behavior or seek professional support. Masturbation addiction can contribute to exacerbated shame, physical overstimulation, and sexual dysfunction.

6. Address Shame

What role might shame play in your relationship? Could you be projecting shame onto your partner, or could you be coping with it maladaptively? Shame can lead to hypersexual behaviors, along with tension and withdrawal in a romantic relationship.⁵ It’s important to address shame within yourself. If it feels too painful or unfamiliar to you, consider speaking with a therapist.

7. Discuss Mutual Goals For Your Sex Life

If masturbation impacts physical intimacy as a couple, what would you like to see changed? Remember that intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s about desire, attraction, connection, and safety. These goals need to be continuously met if you want to feel satisfied in your relationship. Couples or sex therapy can help you both clarify goals.

When to Consider Professional Help

Whether you go individually or as a couple, therapy can offer guidance if you’re struggling with issues related to masturbation. Many times, these concerns underlie other mental health or relationship problems. This is particularly true if one or both partners has trust issues.

If there is a history of infidelity, marriage counseling may help. This type of counseling focuses on improving communication and re-establishing a healthy sense of connection. Likewise, masturbation issues may also coincide with sexual dysfunction or other intimacy struggles. In that case, sex therapy may be beneficial.

Finding the right therapist who has experience working with relationship issues and infidelity is important; you can start your search using an online therapist directory.

Final Thoughts

In most cases, masturbation isn’t a form of infidelity. It’s generally a healthy form of self-care, and many people can enjoy it within the context of being in a relationship. That said, if you feel like it is affecting you or your partner’s well-being, it’s important to discuss these concerns. Therapy can help if masturbation coincides with other mental health or relational issues.