Is Sexting Cheating?

Is Sexting While in a Relationship Considered Cheating?

Whether or not sexting is considered cheating depends on the specific nature of your relationship, which is why setting healthy boundaries and expectations is important for you and your partner to know what is and is not acceptable. There are no universal rules when it comes to fidelity, so you should prioritize having open, assertive conversations about what you each need to feel secure.

Similarly, there are multiple types of cheating. Sexting falls within the larger category of cyber or online affairs. Even if physical intimacy isn’t involved, emotional affairs and online infidelity can be just as damaging, as they are inherently flirtatious and intimate. For these reasons, most people find it inexcusable within the context of a committed relationship, which is why it is also important to define what, exactly, counts as sexting.

What Counts as Sexting?

Sexting is also subjective, and it can be challenging to define the specific line between flirting and sexting. Furthermore, most people become incredibly protective of their digital devices when sexting, as they don’t want to get caught. That makes it harder for partners to recognize if it’s happening. However, if you find yourself seeing something inappropriate on your partner’s phone, you may be wondering if it counts as flirting, sexting, or any form of cheating.

Some examples of sexting can include:

• Sending nude photographs
• Sending explicit videos
• Texting about sexual acts or fantasies
• Forwarding explicit images, memes, or videos

Does Sexting Lead to Physical Affairs?

Sexting is fairly common–research shows that about 50-60% of younger adults do it.¹ However, sexting is also relatively new, so there aren’t any conclusive studies on its true impact on relationships and fidelity. That said, it’s quite probable that sexting can lead to physical affairs. Sexting stimulates a sense of fantasy and excitement. If a partner feels dissatisfied in their relationship, they may turn to this behavior to fill that void, but the behavior can quickly snowball and lead to a full-blown affair if their new partner fulfills their needs more than their current partner.

Impacts of a Sexting Affair

Sexting undoubtedly has negative effects on individuals and their relationships that often mirror those of physical infidelity. People often feel betrayed, angry, and hurt by their partner’s choices. Subsequently, they may feel insecure and worry they won’t be able to trust their partner again. This can creep into doubts about the validity of the relationship and whether they should stay in it.

How a Sexting Affair Impacts Your Relationship

No two couples are identical, but sexting invariably affects how secure you feel in your relationship. Some people might forgive the situation and decide to give their partner another chance to rebuild trust. Others consider this a non-negotiable boundary and end the relationship.

Here are some ways that an online affair can impact your relationship:

• Lack of trust: Sexting often betrays trust, and you may be suspicious of your partner’s motives moving forward and feel more insecure.
• Resentment: You may feel resentment in marriage or towards your partner for being intimate with someone else. You might also resent the other person for engaging in the affair.
• Relationship OCD: After discovering sexting, you might find yourself experiencing intrusive thoughts or urges about the relationship which may or may not lead to relationship OCD. For example, you might continuously question if you’re in the right relationship or if you ever really loved your partner in the first place.²
• Relationship Anxiety: You may feel particularly anxious about your relationship moving forward. As a result, you might continue questioning your partner’s motives, avoid expressing your needs, and worry excessively about the relationship.
• Relationship PTSD: Relationship PTSD can develop even in your current relationship. You may experience symptoms of relationship PTSD while choosing to stay in the relationship.

Impacts of Sexting on Mental Health

Just like it has an impact on your relationship, sexting also affects your individual mental health. After discovering the issue, you may feel increasingly depressed or anxious. If trust is a recurrent issue in your relationship, you might feel insecure or ashamed. Finally, you could feel embarrassed to talk about this issue with others.

Here are some potential personal impacts of a sexting affair:

• Infidelity PTSD: Infidelity PTSD isn’t an official diagnosis, but it refers to when you personalize infidelity and experience trust and commitment issues, poor emotional regulation, and a general sense of hopelessness moving forward.
• Betrayal trauma: Betrayal trauma can occur as a result of trusting that someone will act one way only to find out they acted differently. You may feel a sense of anxiety or depression as a result of this happening, and have difficulties forming close bonds in the future.⁴
• Fear of intimacy: You may fear intimacy after feeling betrayed by your partner. Intimacy can include sex, but it also may include withholding and repressing your feelings and needs in the relationship.⁴
• Depression: After sexting, you might experience depression. Depressive symptoms can include profound sadness, concentration problems, and poor appetite.
• Desire or attempts to seek revenge: You might feel so upset with your partner that you want to “get even” with them. This can cause you to act impulsively or in ways you might later regret.

What Do I Do If My Partner Is Sexting Someone Else?

If you discover that your partner is sexting someone else, you may feel sadness, confusion, loneliness, and anger. You might even feel a sense of vengeance and desire to hurt your partner as much as they hurt you. However, it can be detrimental to act purely on these emotions, so it is important that you take advantage of your resources and tools–whether you choose to stay in the relationship or part ways.

Here are six important steps to take after a sexting affair:

1. Have a Structured Conversation

A lack of communication in relationships often comes with infidelity, which can further separate you from your partner. Healthy communication can enhance your romantic relationship, but it requires transparency and assertiveness. Structured conversations are intentional discussions designed to support each other’s needs and work through specific conflicts. Your structured conversation should include sitting down together and actively discussing the sexting issue. You can write down how you want the conversation to go, plan to make sure neither of you is distracted or acutely stressed, and stick to the topic. Your goal should be to end the discussion with actionable, stated next steps for your relationship.

2. Rebuild Trust

Although it can take time, you will need to rebuild trust in the relationship if you want to stay in it. Trust requires dedicated commitment. Both of you should review your current relationship boundaries and discuss what needs to change. Designate a specific time to discuss the betrayal, but do not harp on the issue at all times of the day, as it can prevent you from rebuilding trust.

3. Seek Support

Regardless of how you choose to proceed, it’s helpful to have support during this time. Loved ones can provide compassion and a listening ear. They may also be able to offer practical guidance to help you cope. However, you should be mindful of sharing your feelings with mutual friends–ideally, you don’t want to force people to pick sides. There may also be online support groups available for people coping with infidelity and betrayal trauma.

4. Revisit Privacy Rules

As part of rebuilding trust, you two may need to redefine permissible behaviors in your relationship. For example, can you ask to look through their phone or laptop at any time? Should they disclose when they’re talking to someone of the opposite sex? No digital rules are entirely off-limits, but you both should discuss and come to reasonable terms with them.⁵

5. Ensure They End Things

Ask your partner to avoid any further contact with the other person. You can request they delete their number and block or unfollow them on social media. You may even ask to watch them as they do it. If your partner refuses–or becomes defensive–it may represent a more significant relationship problem.

6. Practice Self-Care

Self-care is so important when you feel vulnerable, sad, or angry. It’s important to honor your needs and try to cope with your stress; doing so can help you feel better. Self-care can mean engaging in enjoyable activities, but it also means asking for help, practicing gratitude, staying mindful, and allowing yourself to relax and rest.

When To Consider Professional Help

Therapy can provide reassurance, guidance, and practical tools for recovering from sexting or other types of infidelity. Individual therapy offers a safe place to explore your feelings and can be profoundly beneficial if you feel ambivalent about your relationship or your partner in general.

Online marriage and couples therapy or the use of a couples therapy app like Our Ritual can also be valuable during this time. Marriage counseling can help after infidelity by enabling couples to restore and improve their relationship satisfaction. Keep in mind that you can participate in both individual and couples therapy simultaneously, which might provide additional benefits as you work through your individual trauma.

The cost of couples counseling services varies based on your location and type of treatment. Look for a therapist experienced in relationship issues–you may need to consult with several therapists before finding the right fit. You can find a therapist by asking your network of friends and family or searching an online therapist directory or using one of the many online therapy platforms.