An emotional affair is when someone develops a close and emotionally intimate relationship with someone other than their partner. While the relationship is a non-sexual connection, it can closely resemble the bond found in marriage or devoted relationships. Emotional affairs are often considered a betrayal due to the level of intimacy experienced with someone who is not the main partner.
What Is an Emotional Affair?
An emotional affair is an intense non-sexual connection between two individuals that closely resembles the intimacy and emotional bond found in a marriage or devoted relationship. This emotional attachment becomes a betrayal because it crosses a line of intimacy with someone who is not the main partner. While less acknowledged, emotional affairs are the most common type of betrayals.1,2,3,4,5
Like other forms of infidelity, an emotional affair is maintained in secrecy and assumes a violation of trust or established norms within a serious relationship (conventional/unconventional). Emotional infidelity typically involves a level of intimacy that’s diverted from the main partner to an outsider. It can occur in-person over clandestine meetings or via private phone conversations, secret texts, or online (e.g., cyber affairs) via chat, email, social media, etc.
Entangled individuals are generally consumed by the object of their affection – fantasizing about them, anticipating time alone, frequently communicating, sharing intimate details, and seeking emotional reassurance from them instead of their main partner. Emotional betrayals can still cause damage and even give way to a full-blown affair.1,2,3,4,5
Emotional Affairs In Men vs. Women
There appears to be a gender difference in perceptions and behaviors regarding affairs. For instance, women usually interpret any extradyadic relations (improper behaviors outside of the main relationship) as cheating. Conversely, men may contend that sex outside of a committed relationship constitutes infidelity. By the same token, women become more distressed by emotional betrayal and men get more upset over a partner’s sexual infidelity.
Furthermore, women often attribute cheating due to feeling unsatisfied and alone in their relationship. Men report desiring sexual excitement as a common reason. Lastly, the literature suggests that women are more prone to take part in emotional-only affairs while men are more likely to participate in sexual-only affairs.5,6,7,8
Emotional Affair vs. Friendship
Sometimes the line between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair can be blurred. Both serve similar functions such as companionship, validation, and support. However, interactions with someone bearing any degree of romantic interest or physical attraction may be more indicative of an emotional affair. In contrast, a healthy friendship is generally based on mutual respect and not meant to create trust issues with your romantic partner.9,10
Levels of Emotional Affairs
Emotional affairs can begin online or in-person as a simple acquaintance or friendship. It can then evolve when boundaries are crossed and rationalized by the unfaithful partner. Over time, more limits are broken creating the opportunity for stronger intimacy to flourish. This deeper connection can insidiously grow and gain momentum as it’s kept hidden.
Given the absence of sexual contact, many people believe that emotional affairs are harmless. Nonetheless, experts warn that this form of infidelity can be just as destructive to long-term relationships, if not more, as a sexual affair.10
Signs You or Your Partner May be Having an Emotional Affair
Although every case is different, there are certain behaviors commonly seen that may point to a potential emotional affair, including secretiveness, neglect, and distraction.2,4,10
Here are three common signs of an emotional affair:
1. Secretiveness
Secrecy is at the core of any type of infidelity. Some behaviors like taking calls outside, abruptly closing their laptop when you’re around, and erasing messages can reflect when someone is hiding something.
Here are example of secretive behavior:
- Starts taking calls outside or doesn’t answer a call in your presence
- Abruptly shuts down their personal computer or laptop when you are around
- You notice he/she may be erasing messages/emails/texts, adding passwords to the phone, or placing it face down
- Never mentions their “friend” and
- If confronted, they tend to deny or minimize it
2. Neglecting the Main Relationship
A person who is involved in an emotional affair usually has frequent contact with the outside individual. The affair person is now sharing everything they’d normally share within the primary relationship with someone else. This means all the crucial components and emotional resources necessary to sustain the main relationship are directed solely towards the outer person, which further distances the main couple from one another.
Examples of neglectful behavior include:
- Being on the phone or online for excessive amounts of time or until really late at night
- Spending less time with you, coming home late, going out of town frequently etc.
- They are pulling away from or avoiding conversations with you
- They aren’t connecting intimately as they used to
3. Distracted
Constantly thinking about another person is often the case in emotional affairs. The affair partner will typically spend more time on their phone or computer, be outside of the home or appear preoccupied and like their mind is somewhere else. The affair person probably won’t be fully present in a conversation or any other type of interaction. Additionally, they may become emotionally and even sexually distant.
Common Causes of Emotional Affairs
Infidelity can happen for various reasons and the causes are more complicated than just relationship problems. Surprisingly, affairs can strike happy couples as much as miserable ones. Although most emotional affairs emerge from relational discontentment, emotional affairs can also derive from personal insecurities and frustrations, psychological issues, life-stage distress, poor relationship quality, and more.4
Common contributing factors of emotional affairs include:1,2,3,4,11
- Ambiguity about how infidelity is conceptualized within the main relationship
- Poor relationship quality (e.g., intimacy issues, lack of affection, feeling neglected)
- Inadequate communication (e.g., avoiding uncomfortable conversations, lack of communication)
- Personal unhappiness and low self-esteem/worth
- Feeling bored in the relationship and needing excitement
- Feeling emotionally disconnected and/or loss of physical attraction to the main partner
- Major life adjustments (e.g., childbirth, retirement, empty nest
- Mental health issues like depression
- Ambiguity about how infidelity is conceptualized within the main relationship
- A desire to leave or end the current (unhappy) relationship or low relational commitment
- Opportunity (e.g., the workplace or access to the internet makes it easier to communicate and fulfill emotional needs with someone else)
Impact of Emotional Affairs
The impact of emotional infidelity can strain both parties and the relationship itself. Prior to the disclosure of an affair, each person or both may sense a relational shift as their physical/emotional connection deteriorates. The unfaithful person may feel distraught about maintaining the affair and dread the possibility of being exposed. Conversely, the partner who is cheated on may feel confused, suspicious, and afraid of finding out the truth.2,4
The implications and consequences of an emotional affair may be even greater once the betrayal is uncovered. This can feel devastating for everyone involved, bringing a whirlwind of intense emotions and a wide range of unfamiliar experiences to the primary couple.2,4
Common effects of an emotional affair include:
- The betrayed partner can feel strong emotions like shock, anger, resentment, grief for the loss of trust, unclear sense of self, poor self-esteem/confidence, appearance insecurities, etc.
- The partner who is being cheated on can start to endure severe distress that might quickly turn into relationship PTSD
- The betraying person may feel relieved after coming clean about the affair
- The unfaithful partner may experience remorse, shame, and fear that they’ll be chastised indefinitely as they also grieve the loss of the affair (Note: some people may refuse to take accountability or end the affair)
- Fragile mental state for both partners with a propensity to depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and a deep sense of emptiness
- Having to make difficult decisions about the future of the main relationship including its dissolution
- In worse case scenarios, it can lead to acts of violence towards the person having the affair, or within this triad
Interestingly, some studies have revealed that a subgroup of couples can have favorable outcomes in their relationship after an affair. In fact, it has been found that couples that decide to stay together and work through infidelity are more likely to develop new ways to communicate, become closer, and experience an increase in the overall wellness of the relationship.1,2,3,4
Do Emotional Affairs Last?
The key aspects to affairs, including emotional affairs, are secrecy, novelty, and intensity. For this reason, most affairs are likely to be short-lived. As time passes, the alluring aspects tend to fade away. With the loss of these elements, an affair may be destined to fail.
Nonetheless, there are instances when emotional affairs can be prolonged for long periods. Some individuals may develop romantic feelings for the third party and leave their main partners to start a formal relationship with the affair individual. Nevertheless, studies have shown that relationships arising from an affair tend to lack commitment and long-term sustainability.4,11
5 Ways to Deal with an Emotional Affair
No matter which side you’re on, emotional infidelity can be devastating to the relationship and parties involved. Fortunately, there are ways to mitigate its impact. Things like engaging in self-exploration, creating emotional space, being empathetic, individual therapy, entering couples counseling, and seeking moral support can help.
Here are five ways to deal with an emotional affair:
1. Self-Reflect
Although an emotional affair can cause pain and chaos, it may be conducive to self-discovery, and personal growth. It can even strengthen your relationship. That said, take earnest inventory of yourself. Consider assessing what’s transpiring and the conditions that may have opened the door for the affair to occur. This can shed light onto aspects of yourself, your relationship, and your partner.
If preserving your relationship is important, then this can allow you to delineate the proper steps in that direction. Equally, you may unearth a mixture of feelings, issues, and doubts you couldn’t have anticipated, which may warrant deeper examination and professional advice.
2. Seek Professional Guidance
Individual counseling can assist each person involved to process their own experiences. It can also provide a safe space to voice personal thoughts, opinions, and emotions. Through the course of treatment, each one can gain insight into what might have contributed to the affair and take accountability for its onset.
Individual therapy can offer the moral support that’s vital for coming to terms with infidelity, and the tools to constructively cope with its effects. More importantly, therapy can get you “unstuck” from dysfunctional responses so you can transition to a place where you’re stable enough to move past and work through the affair (whether it’s to reconcile or end the relationship).12,13
3. Give Space & Empathetically Listen
Finding out about your partner’s emotional dalliance can be painful and traumatic. Before making any rash decisions, allow some space, distance, and time for yourself and your partner to digest the impact of the emotional affair. Address your wounds and identify every single emotion you’re going through. Once you feel mentally prepared, try to understand the emotional affair through your partner’s eyes.
This can provide some insight into deeper issues that may be occurring in the relationship and perhaps help you clarify the reasons (not justify) behind the affair. Even if you still have reservations about reconciling, by listening to your unfaithful partner, you can begin the process of closure and healing. At best, it can help you both grow from this ordeal and fortify your bond.
4. Consider Couples Counseling
If you and your partner have jointly decided to reconcile after the affair, couples counseling can be a great source of support. However, couples therapy is a process that requires commitment, hard work, and time. For this reason, it’s vital to seek guidance from a skilled professional who holds impartial views about infidelity and has a flexible therapeutic approach.
Couples counseling can provide a safety net to help you determine the root cause of the emotional affair and work through your reactions and obstacles brought on by this crisis. Entering couples therapy can stabilize the relationship after infidelity in a way that’s conducive for you and your counterpart to navigate complex emotions, redefine the future of the relationship, and develop the necessary skills to maintain a partnership.12,13
5. Seek Moral Support
Whether you’re the one who had the emotional affair or the injured partner, you’ll need to express yourself and vent without worrying about how you come across at times. Surround yourself with and reach out to individuals you know you can count on, who will not judge you, and with whom you feel totally safe. This could be a close friend, a trusted family member, a support group, etc.2
Final Thoughts On Emotional Affairs
No matter which side of an emotional affair you are on, it can be devastating and painful. Despite the desired outcome (staying together or not), it is crucial to address the emotional infidelity with honesty and professional support. Not all is lost; whether the goal is preserving a relationship or walking away amicably, healing and recovery can be attainable.
For Further Reading
Emotional Affair Infographics
