Signs of an Emotional Affair

What Is an Emotional Affair?

An emotional affair is an intense non-sexual connection between two individuals that closely resembles the intimacy and emotional bond found in a marriage or devoted relationship. This emotional attachment becomes a betrayal because it crosses a line of intimacy with someone who is not the main partner. While less acknowledged, emotional affairs are the most common type of betrayal.^{1, 2, 3, 4, 7}

Like other forms of infidelity, an emotional affair is maintained in secrecy and assumes a violation of trust or established norms within a serious relationship (conventional/unconventional). Emotional infidelity typically involves a level of intimacy that’s diverted from the main partner to an outsider. It can occur in person over clandestine meetings or via private phone conversations, secret texts, or online (e.g., cyber affairs) via chat, email, social media, etc.

Entangled individuals are generally consumed by the object of their affection – fantasizing about them, anticipating time alone, frequently communicating, sharing intimate details, and seeking emotional reassurance from them instead of their main partner. Emotional betrayals can still cause damage and even give way to a full-blown affair.^{1, 2, 3, 4, 7}

10 Signs Of An Emotional Affair

Although every case is different, there are certain behaviors commonly seen that may point to a potential emotional affair, including secretiveness, neglect, and distraction.^{2, 4}

Here are 10 common signs of an emotional affair:

1. Secretiveness

Secrecy is at the core of any type of infidelity. Some behaviors like taking calls outside, abruptly closing their laptop when you’re around, and erasing messages can reflect when someone is hiding something.

Here are examples of secretive behavior:

• Starts taking calls outside or doesn’t answer a call in your presence
• Abruptly shuts their personal computer or laptop when you are around
• You notice he/she may be erasing messages/emails/texts, adding passwords to the phone, or placing it face down
• Never mentions their “friend” and may seem to be hiding information about or activities done with the “friend.”
• If confronted, they tend to deny or minimize it

2. Neglecting the Main Relationship

A person engaged in an emotional affair often maintains frequent contact with the outside individual, redirecting emotional energy and intimacy away from their primary relationship. What would typically be shared with their partner—personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences—is instead confided in someone else. This shift not only deprives the main relationship of the emotional connection it relies on but also creates a widening gap between the couple, leaving their bond weakened and strained.

Examples of neglectful behavior include:

• Being on the phone or online for excessive amounts of time or until really late at night
• Spending less time with you, coming home late, going out of town frequently etc.
• They are pulling away from or avoiding conversations with you
• They aren’t connecting intimately as they used to

3. Distracted

Constantly thinking about another person is often the case in emotional affairs. The affair partner will typically spend more time on their phone or computer, be outside of the home or appear preoccupied and like their mind is somewhere else. The affair person probably won’t be fully present in a conversation or any other type of interaction. Additionally, they may become emotionally and even sexually distant.

4. Frequent Contact

Do you remember when you first got together with your current partner? Did you find yourself waiting for their texts and extra excited when you got to do something with them? If you find yourself experiencing something similar with someone who is not your partner, especially if you notice these behaviors are paired with secretiveness and attraction, it may signal that you have begun an emotional affair. Similarly, be wary of an emotional affair if you find yourself feeling bereft when you cannot be in contact with such a friend.⁵

It’s normal and healthy to feel happy about reconnecting with an old friend, meeting a new gaming buddy you enjoy hanging out with, and talking to other people besides your partner. However, this is not the same as if you are finding yourself seeking constant interaction or contact with someone to the detriment of your relationship with your partner. Frequent contact, like being more likely to talk to someone besides your partner about how you are feeling, spending more time going out to eat with someone besides your partner, and spending time with another person when it interferes with key events in your and your partners life can signal an emotional affair.⁵

5. Constantly Thinking About the Other Person

If you find yourself always seeming to be thinking about someone besides your partner, this can be a sign of an emotional affair.⁵ This could include replaying conversations or going over future possible conversations, repeatedly checking to see if if the person has contacted you, and may branch into fantasizing about the other person. This type of emotional preoccupation can make it difficult to keep enough mental space available for your primary relationship.

6. Turning to The Other Person for Emotional Support

If you find yourself feeling that a friend meets your emotional needs better than your partner or if you find youself choosing not to try going to your primary partner to get your emotional needs met, you may be involved in an emotional affair.⁵ This can also look like going to a friend when someone bothers you or when important things are going on in your life, and not confiding in your partner equally. It is okay and even encouraged to lean on someone other than your partner for emotional support from time to time, but it can become a problem when doing so is connected to other warning signs of an emotional affair.

7. Confiding Relationship Problems in Another Person

A common sign of an emotional affair is commiserating or complaining about problems with your primary relationship with your affair partner.⁶ At some point in the progression of your relationship, you may realize that what started as friendly conversations about work or other topics shifted into more intimate details about relationships, personal issues, or even your sex life. When this is coupled with other warning signs, you may have crossed the line into an emotional affair.

8. Flirting & Sexual Attraction

Though a key component of emotional affairs is that they are not physical in nature, that does not mean that there is no physical attraction occurring. Sexual affairs can begin as emotional affairs. If you find yourself flirting with or dressing up for someone other than your partner, you might want to examine your motivations and make sure you haven’t also found yourself in an emotional affair.

9. Crossing Boundaries & Feeling Guilty

Blatant and explicit boundary crossing in a relationship can involve keeping or sharing secrets, breaking promises or plans, and lying or making excuses to spend time with someone other than your partner. It can be easier to see how these obvious boundary-crossing behaviors take energy and commitment away from your primary relationship and shift it towards the emotional affair.

Boundary-crossing can also be more subtle and difficult to pinpoint, but that may leave you with vague feelings of guilt. Feelings of guilt about another relationship can be a sign of an emotional affair.⁵ If you notice that you are feeling guilty about your behavior with another person, or that you feel uneasy when think about talking about those behaviors with your primary partner, this may be an indication that you have moved into emotional affair territory.

10. Thinking About a Future with Someone Else

Thinking about leaving your partner for another person or fantasizing about what a future with that person would be like is a sign of an emotional affair.⁵ These type of thoughts go beyond a typical friendship and veer into life partner territory. If you find yourself thinking about a future with someone else, it might be a good time to seek out help from an individual or couples therapist.

Common Causes of Emotional Affairs

Infidelity can happen for various reasons and the causes are more complicated than just relationship problems. Surprisingly, affairs can strike happy couples as much as miserable ones. Although most emotional affairs emerge from relational discontentment, emotional affairs can also derive from personal insecurities and frustrations, psychological issues, life-stage distress, poor relationship quality, and more.⁴

Common contributing factors of emotional affairs include:^{1, 2, 3, 4, 12}

• Ambiguity about how infidelity is conceptualized within the main relationship
• Poor relationship quality (e.g., intimacy issues, lack of affection, feeling neglected)
• Inadequate communication (e.g., avoiding uncomfortable conversations, lack of communication)
• Personal unhappiness and low self-esteem/worth
• Feeling bored in the relationship and needing excitement
• Feeling emotionally disconnected and/or loss of physical attraction to the main partner
• Major life adjustments (e.g., childbirth, retirement, empty nest)
• Mental health issues like depression
• Ambiguity about how infidelity is conceptualized within the main relationship
• A desire to leave or end the current (unhappy) relationship or low relational commitment
• Opportunity (e.g., the workplace or access to the internet makes it easier to communicate and fulfill emotional needs with someone else)

Impact of Emotional Affairs

The impact of emotional infidelity can strain both parties and the relationship itself. Prior to the disclosure of an affair, each person may sense a relational shift as their physical/emotional connection deteriorates. The unfaithful person may feel distraught about maintaining the affair and dread the possibility of being exposed. Conversely, the partner who is cheated on may feel confused, suspicious, and afraid of finding out the truth.^{2, 4}

The implications and consequences of an emotional affair may be even greater once the betrayal is uncovered. This can feel devastating for everyone involved, bringing a whirlwind of intense emotions and a wide range of unfamiliar experiences to the primary couple.^{2, 4}

Common effects of an emotional affair include:

• The betrayed partner can feel strong emotions like shock, anger, resentment, grief for the loss of trust, unclear sense of self, poor self-esteem/confidence, appearance insecurities, etc.
• The partner who is being cheated on can start to endure severe distress that might quickly turn into relationship PTSD.
• The betraying person may feel relieved after coming clean about the affair.
• The unfaithful partner may experience remorse, shame, and fear that they’ll be chastised indefinitely as they also grieve the loss of the affair. (Note: some people may refuse to take accountability or end the affair.)
• Fragile mental state for both partners with a propensity to depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and a deep sense of emptiness.
• Having to make difficult decisions about the future of the main relationship including its dissolution.
• In worse case scenarios, it can lead to acts of violence towards the person having the affair, or within this triad.

Interestingly, some studies have revealed that a subgroup of couples can have favorable outcomes in their relationship after an affair. In fact, it has been found that couples that decide to stay together and work through infidelity are more likely to develop new ways to communicate, become closer, and experience an increase in the overall wellness of the relationship.^{1, 2, 3, 4}

How Long Do Emotional Affairs Last?

The key aspects to affairs, including emotional affairs, are secrecy, novelty, and intensity. For this reason, most affairs are likely to be short-lived. As time passes, the alluring aspects tend to fade away. With the loss of these elements, an affair may be destined to fail.

Nonetheless, there are instances when emotional affairs can be prolonged for long periods. Some individuals may develop romantic feelings for the third party and leave their main partners to start a formal relationship with the affair individual. Nevertheless, studies have shown that relationships arising from an affair tend to lack commitment and long-term sustainability.^{4, 13}

How to Deal With an Emotional Affair

No matter which side you’re on, emotional infidelity can be devastating to the relationship and parties involved. Fortunately, there are ways to mitigate its impact and recover from an emotional affair. Things like engaging in self-exploration, creating emotional space, being empathetic, individual therapy, entering couples counseling, and seeking moral support can help.

Here are some ways to deal with an emotional affair:

Self-Reflect

Although an emotional affair can cause pain and chaos, it may be conducive to self-discovery, and personal growth. It can even strengthen your relationship. That said, take earnest inventory of yourself. Consider assessing what’s transpiring and the conditions that may have opened the door for the affair to occur. This can shed light onto aspects of yourself, your relationship, and your partner.

If preserving your relationship is important, then this can allow you to delineate the proper steps in that direction. Equally, you may unearth a mixture of feelings, issues, and doubts you couldn’t have anticipated, which may warrant deeper examination and professional advice.

Seek Professional Guidance

Individual counseling can assist each person involved to process their own experiences. It can also provide a safe space to voice personal thoughts, opinions, and emotions. Through the course of treatment, each one can gain insight into what might have contributed to the affair and take accountability for its onset.

Individual therapy can offer the moral support that’s vital for coming to terms with infidelity, and the tools to constructively cope with its effects. More importantly, therapy can get you “unstuck” from dysfunctional responses so you can transition to a place where you’re stable enough to move past and work through the affair (whether it’s to reconcile or end the relationship).^{12, 14}

Give Space & Empathetically Listen

Discovering your partner’s emotional infidelity can be both deeply painful and emotionally traumatic. Before making any rash decisions, allow some space, distance, and time for yourself and your partner to digest the impact of the emotional affair. Address your wounds and identify every single emotion you’re going through. Once you feel mentally prepared, try to understand the emotional affair through your partner’s eyes.

This can provide some insight into deeper issues that may be occurring in the relationship and perhaps help you clarify the reasons (not justify) behind the affair. Even if you still have reservations about reconciling, by listening to your unfaithful partner, you can begin the process of closure and healing. At best, it can help you both grow from this ordeal and fortify your bond.

 Consider Couples Counseling

If you and your partner have jointly decided to reconcile after the affair, couples counseling can be a great source of support. However, couples therapy is a process that requires commitment, hard work, and time. For this reason, it’s vital to seek guidance from a skilled professional who holds impartial views about infidelity and has a flexible therapeutic approach.

In person or online couples counseling can provide a safety net to help you determine the root cause of the emotional affair and work through your reactions and obstacles brought on by this crisis. Entering couples therapy can stabilize the relationship after infidelity in a way that’s conducive for you and your counterpart to navigate complex emotions, redefine the future of the relationship, and develop the necessary skills to maintain a partnership.^{13, 14}

Seek Moral Support

Whether you’re the one who had the emotional affair or the injured partner, you’ll need to express yourself and vent without worrying about how you come across at times. Surround yourself with and reach out to individuals you know you can count on, who will not judge you, and with whom you feel totally safe. This could be a close friend, a trusted family member, or a support group.²