Mutual Abuse: Is It Real or a Myth?

What Is Mutual Abuse?

Mutual abuse is not the most accurate way to describe an abusive relationship. Abuse is defined as an imbalance of power, therefore proving mutual abuse a myth. The term mutual abuse often minimizes the sometimes life-or-death effects of abuse. As many as two million people experience injury from abusive relationships annually, with 1300 dying because of intimate partner or domestic violence.¹

Is Mutual Abuse Real?

Taking responsibility for each partner’s contribution to the relationship is crucial, but mutual abuse is usually inaccurate and what many would consider a myth. A swing in power often occurs to facilitate and allow for abuse.

Self Defense Is Not Mutual Abuse

Differentiating physicality in relationship violence as abuse or self-defense has to do with the direction of abuse (who initiated the abuse). Reacting physically to prevent further harm when attacked, wounded, or hurt is self-defense.

Actions that are considered self-defense, not mutual abuse, include:

• Pushing, kicking, scratching, and/or hitting a partner to prevent physical harm
• Blockading to defend against further physical attacks
• Disabling your partner from attacking you, possibly resulting in physical harm to them
• Threatening or enacting legal charges to protect yourself, physical property, and/or others
• Calling 911 or another emergency response service
• Contacting child welfare, elder abuse hotlines, or the ombudsman office to keep yourself or dependents/others physically, emotionally, and psychologically safe.

Is Mutual Abuse a Victim-Blaming Tactic?

Claiming a relationship is “mutually abusive” defers blame to the other person(s). One partner may report that both persons were abusive instead of taking responsibility for their actions. Accepting this explanation reinforces the abuser’s behavior, allowing the victim to remain psychologically, emotionally, or physically dominated.²

Does Law Enforcement Recognize Mutual Abuse?

Contacting law enforcement may offer individuals relief from abusive relationships. Officers are trained to look for signs of physical, emotional, or psychological harm or violence. Law enforcement may help regulate the conflict and suggest the next steps to keep everyone involved safe.

How to Help Police Identify the Abuser

Documenting attacks can be therapeutic to the victim and provide a crucial paper trail. Photos of injuries sustained, medical Superbills, discussions with Domestic Violence Hotlines, and narratives of conflict are useful information to include. These details diagnose the extent and intensity of the abuse, helping to build a better picture for those attempting to help the victim.

Here are a few things you can do to help police identify the abuser:

• Provide them with any documentation you have of the abuse
• Take photos of the injury and the healing progression
• Save any details about the abuse
• Narrate or document the situation where abuse happened, what happened that caused harm, and how/if the conflict resolved
• Share names and alliances of the abusing person(s)
• Share the abuser’s contacts and frequented places
• Take responsibility for the abuse you inflicted, including any documentation or details of the problems and pain you have caused

What Are the Signs of an Abusive Relationship?

Rather than automatically assuming a relationship is “mutually abusive,” focus on the power dynamics between partners to identify the abuser. Partners who restrict a person’s autonomy, freedoms, or choices are abusive.

Abusive relationships seldom get better over time. There could be periods when abuse slows or discontinues, but abuse typically becomes more intense and more pervasive as the relationship progresses.^{2, 5}

Here are common signs of an abusive relationship:

• Not having access to finances
• Needing to ask permission for normal activities
• Being afraid of the other person
• Being yelled at or demeaned
• Shutting down in conflict
• Physical injuries
• Needing medical attention as a result of things your partner does to you
• Needing psychological help as a result of things your partner says to you
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Hopelessness
• Anger

What to Do If You Are Experiencing Abuse

The next thing is to seek safety if you are experiencing abuse. Abuse and violence are not okay in relationships and can cause long-term harm to you and your dependents. Ensuring your safety is a top priority, even if the abusing person has a “change of heart.”

Abusive partners can make many victims feel guilty or responsible for the abuse. However, you need to learn that you do not deserve abuse. Understand that defending yourself is not abuse, and your safety comes first.

Here is what to do if you are experiencing abuse:

• Develop a safety plan: A safety plan may include making copies of keys and credit cards, having extra cash, gathering spare clothes and toiletries, and setting a safe location to escape abuse. These details efficiently enable someone to leave without a trace when or if needed.
• Talk to a friend: Abusers often isolate their victims from those who love and support them. Making or resuming a connection will be helpful when healing from abuse.
• Read a book: Consider reading books about abusive and toxic relationships. These can help outline the severity of relationship violence.
• Go to a support group: These groups provide essential guidance and support for victims of abuse. Al-Anon is one option for survivors of relationship violence.
• Take actionable steps to document violence: This could look like keeping a hidden note on your phone with names, dates, progression of violence, images of injuries, and professional advice.
• Try using a hotline for support: Several text, chat, or voice support lines are helpful when you need clarity on your current situation. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached online or by dialing 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Rest assured that these hotlines provide trained professionals to help you.
• Call your local non-emergency number: If you are in danger or could be in the future, talk with someone immediately. These individuals can discuss your risks and safety needs to build a solid foundation as you work on escaping an abusive relationship.
• Meet with your doctor: Seek medical help if you have sustained physical wounds or harm from an abusive partner. Research also suggests that people generally reduce pro-health behaviors, such as healthy diet, exercise, sleep routines, and general self-care, when in abusive relationships.⁴

When to Seek Professional Support

Seeking a mental health professional can be the easiest way to determine the next steps. An online therapist directory can help you find the best therapist who suits your needs. Online therapy platforms offer an alternative to in-person treatment and take the guesswork out of financing by keeping fees to a monthly subscription model.

Seeking medical attention is essential to short-term symptom alleviation and long-term healing. Medications can reduce many symptoms and create opportunities for further improvement through trauma-focused therapy.

In My Experience

In my experience, violence is often frequent and reactive in abusive relationships. So, the issue for me focuses on how someone stays alive. I also would share the same sentiments that Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Neil Jacobson write in their book on marital-relational violence, “When batters want to leave the house, there is nothing that their wives can do to stop them. When [victims] try to leave, even to go to the bathroom, they put themselves in greater peril”.¹