Cycle of Abuse: What It Is & How to Heal

How to Break the Cycle of Abuse

For those who are aware that they are in a cycle of abuse and want to end it, there are steps they can take to consciously choose to work to break the cycle.

Create an Exit Plan or Safety Plan

For some, the first step might involve leaving the abusive relationship and going to a shelter or other safe place. For others, the first step might involve confiding in a medical or counseling professional and creating a safety plan for those moments when their partner is escalating toward abuse.

Prioritize Yourself

Ending the cycle of abuse will usually involve an understanding of the cycle of abuse, the characteristics of abusive relationships versus healthy relationships, learning how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship, and developing a gut-level belief that they (and their children if applicable) deserve to be loved, respected, cherished, and protected in all of their relationships.

Establish Your Boundaries

It’s important to establish strong boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are there to help you set a fine line for what you will and will not accept. If someone is crossing your boundaries, they are showing you that they do not respect you. Stay firm to your boundaries and honor yourself and what your needs are. You do not owe anyone another chance or anything else.

Don’t Blame Yourself

Just because you were treated poorly doesn’t mean you deserved it or that it is your job to own the burden of the abuse. You are worthy of a healthy relationship, along with care, respect, and love from the people you keep in your life. If you have experienced abuse it is not your fault.

Establish a Support Network

Having a group of friends, family, or other connections in the community is a good way to keep you on the path of breaking out of the abusive relationship. Support systems help us stay accountable and keep us connected with people who may be available and offer to help with concrete needs as you create an exit plan or offer a safe place or a listening ear.

Treatment for Someone Experiencing a Cycle of Abuse

Treatment for a person who is experiencing a cycle of abuse will differ based on whether one is a perpetrator of the abuse or an abuse survivor. Individual and/or group counseling might be offered.

Effective treatments for survivors of domestic abuse typically include:^13,14

• Connection with an advocate or mentor to assist the survivor by providing information, access to support (e.g., legal, financial, housing, other community supports), and developing a safety plan
• Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) interventions, offered individually and/or in groups, that help the survivor to develop skills in areas of emotion management, communication, and assertiveness
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) therapies for those who are experiencing PTSD and complex trauma as a result of domestic abuse

The intended treatment outcome is dependent upon the goals of the abuse survivor. Do they want to end their relationship with the abuser? Do they want to stay in the relationship and try to work on it? Are they open to learning ways to protect themselves and/or their children? Timelines will vary depending upon individual and abuse factors such as the survivor’s history of trauma/abuse, access to social, financial, and community support, how long the abusive relationship has been going on, the severity and frequency of abuse, etc.

Can the Cycle Be Prevented?

For those who have dealt with abuse, it is encouraging to note that 70% of adults who experienced abuse in childhood do not go on to become abusive themselves.¹⁵

Factors have been identified as being related to breaking the cycle of abuse among children who grew up in abusive homes, and did not become abusive as adults include:^16,17

• Good self-esteem
• School achievement
• A caring and supportive relationship with a caregiver or other adult in childhood
• Social supports
• Having participated in therapy

Among women who experienced abuse in childhood, developing safe and nurturing relationships with their children, and with an intimate partner, have been found to be related to breaking the cycle of abuse.¹⁸

Examples of Cycles of Abuse

The following are hypothetical examples of cycles of abuse and how they are broken:

Young Husband With Childhood Abuse & Neglect

Noah, a 35-year-old man, who has lived through childhood abuse (verbal, physical, and sexual) as well as neglect, comes to counseling following an argument in which his wife told him that if he doesn’t change she will leave the marriage. He said he understands why his wife said this. He admits he is always angry and saying hurtful things to her and their children. He doesn’t know why he acts like this. He discloses that he has been very jealous of the friends his wife spends time with and recently hit his wife when he questioned her about what she talked to her friends about, and she told him that it wasn’t his business. He expressed his shame of behaving like his father, whom he swore he would never be like.

Over the next several sessions, the counselor works with Noah in identifying what he learned from his own parents about what a “loving relationship” or marriage entails. The counselor explains that this is the template or blueprint he was given early in life, for attitudes and behaviors that define this important relationship. The counselor lets him know that as an adult he can choose to create his own blueprint. Noah acknowledges that he wants something different than what his parents had. They work on identifying what type of relationship he would like to have, along with the attitudes and behaviors he is currently using that undermine this goal. They work on exploring attitudes and behaviors that would better support his goals. They work on helping him to identify and work on the interpersonal skills he is lacking. They also identify coping and communication strategies that Noah can use to address his anger in healthy and respectful ways.

College Student With Abusive Parents

Janna is an 18-year-old woman. She skipped a class to come to the college counseling center. She tells the therapist that her parents know her school schedule and pick her up at school as soon as her classes end. She is not allowed to leave the house for any other reason. She asks for help to escape. She tells the counselor that at home she is verbally abused, and physically beaten, by both parents. She said it became worse 5 years ago when her older sister ran away from home, and they weren’t able to find her. Janna also said that her brother, who is 7 years older than her, has been sexually abusing her since she was 10 years old. She told her parents after the first time it happened and said her parents’ reaction was to call her a “slut” and beat her badly for “making up such disgusting lies”. She said that if she has to stay in that house much longer she is going to kill herself.

The therapist clarifies with Janna whether she wants to work on a safety plan and preparations to move out, or if she needs to leave today. Janna said she doesn’t want to go back home ever again. The therapist and Janna talk about what support Janna will need to make this happen. With Janna’s consent, the therapist contacts a local women’s shelter, and arrangements are made to transport her to the shelter. Since Janna wants to continue with her schooling, campus police are called in to develop a safety plan for Janna on campus, and to send out an alert to campus officers that Janna’s family members will be prohibited from coming onto campus grounds. Janna requests ongoing appointments with the therapist because she knows she will need help to heal from all she has been through.

Middle Aged Mother With Abusive Husband

Natalia is a 45-year-old woman who has been married for 26 years. Natalia’s daughters brought her to this counseling appointment. At first, Natalia is silent, but as her daughters plead with tear-filled eyes for Natalia to talk to the counselor, and tell Natalia that they are afraid their father is going to kill her – Natalia starts to speak of the abuse for the first time in her life.

Natalia tells the counselor that her husband wasn’t always like this. She said that in the beginning, he was kind and thoughtful. Over the years, as he kept being let go from jobs, he started drinking more and more. When he drinks, he becomes angry, cruel, and violent. Natalia disclosed that she has been hospitalized three times during the past year and a half due to beatings by her husband. She said that each time she made up excuses for her injuries and stuck to her story, despite the probing questions of hospital staff. She admits she has thought about leaving, but her husband has told her many times that if she ever left him, he would kill her and their daughters. She believes he would follow through with his threat.

Over the next several months, Natalia continues to meet with the counselor. With the support of her daughters, the therapist, a few friends, and the local abused women’s center, she decides she no longer wishes to live in fear for her life on a daily basis. She and her daughters move to a different state with their mother and help her to reclaim her life and sense of safety.