The cycle of abuse refers to the predictable phases of behavior that occur in abusive relationships: tension-building, acting out, reconciliation/honeymoon, and calmness.1 The good news is that with awareness and appropriate interventions, the cycle of abuse can be broken.1
What Is the Cycle of Abuse?
The cycle of abuse is characterized by a power imbalance in a relationship, in which one person uses abusive threats and behaviors to control another person. This might occur in an intimate relationship between two youth or adults, or in a relationship in which an adult engages in abusive behavior toward a child.
There are four typical stages in the cycle of abuse:
1. Tension-Building
During this phase, the relationship between the perpetrator and the victim of abuse is fraught with tension. The perpetrator begins to show signs of anger and frustration as the tension builds. The abuse survivor is hyper-focused on the perpetrator, in an attempt to find any signs that the abuse might start again. The survivor might try different ways to avoid or appease the perpetrator, in hopes that the abuse won’t recur.1,9,10
2. Incident(s) of Abuse
During this phase the tension in the relationship erupts, and the perpetrator engages in abusive behaviors as a means to control the abuse survivor. The abuse might involve threats, stalking, humiliation, acts of physical or sexual violence, severe neglect, and/or financial or spiritual abuse. This phase might involve a single incident or a series of incidents.1,9,10
3. Reconciliation
During the reconciliation or “honeymoon” phase, the perpetrator will take steps to re-establish their connection with the abuse survivor. The perpetrator might apologize and engage in affectionate and remorseful gestures to convince the abuse survivor that they are sorry and promise that the abuse will not happen again. They may buy gifts, cook nice dinners and spend an enormous amount of time and money to “buy” back the victim’s trust and affection. This itself is abuse, as there is an ulterior motive.1,9,10
Alternatively, the perpetrator might convince the abuse survivor that the abuse was entirely the survivor’s fault, or the perpetrator might gaslight the victim, altogether ignoring or denying that the abuse happened at all—thereby undermining the survivor’s belief in their own perceptions and memories.
4. Calm
In the calm phase, the relationship between the abuser and the abuse survivor is relatively peaceful. Both might appear to forget about the previous abusive incident(s) and move forward, however, this period of calm will pass, as tensions in the relationship begin to build again and the cycle begins again.1
It should be noted that, by following up episodes of abuse with gestures of remorse and love, the perpetrator seeks to cement the trauma bonding with the victim.
Not All Abuse Happens in Cycles
The cycle of abuse is a standard model of abuse, however not all abuse is done in predictable cycles. Abuse experiences vary from individual to individual, and it’s important to consider the other ways in which abuse can be exposed in relationships. Abuse can be dormant at times in the relationship, or if there aren’t huge fights or physical marks it can be hard to recognize that you may be in an abusive relationship.
Types of Abuse
There are various types of abuse that exist. We are all very familiar with physical abuse as it is most prevalent in what we see in movies and with the physical evidence of abuse, however there are other types of abuse which are just as harmful and detrimental as physical abuse.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is mental abuse aimed at hurting someone to break them down to gain power and control over them. Examples include:
- Intimidation
- Gaslighting
- Mimicking and ridiculing
- Minimizing behaviors
- Harassment
- Coercion/force
- Yelling profanities or yelling as an initial response
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is actual physical contact between partners where one partner is physically injuring the other. Examples include:
- Punching
- Slapping
- Choking
- Kicking
- Restraints
- Pushing
- Sexual abuse/coercion and rape
Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse is the way in which you are spoken to, including tone, choice of word, style of interaction and the body language when being spoken to. Examples include:
- Name calling
- Judging
- Bullying
- Blaming your partner
Signs of Abuse to Watch For
People who are directly experiencing or witnessing a cycle of abuse might exhibit some behaviors that raise warning flags that abuse is occurring. Some will show signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and specifically complex PTSD, as a result of long-term abuse. In some cases, however, survivors of abuse have become very skilled at hiding the signs of abuse, and some will even excel in school, work, sports, and community activities, but really they spend a great deal of effort hiding this “secret” from others.
Typical signs of abuse include:2,8
- Frequent lateness and/or absences from work or school
- Social isolation from family, friends, coworkers, and/or classmate
- Fear of their partner
- Ongoing indications of physical injuries – which are often explained as accidents
- Receiving frequent upsetting texts or phone calls from their partner
- Decreased ability to concentrate on work or school
- Sleep issues
- Eating disorders or changes in appetite
- Depression and/or anxiety
- Low self-esteem, shame, and guilt
- Lack of trust
- Substance use as a means of coping
- Suicidal and/or homicidal thoughts
Are You Being Abused? Signs You May Not Notice
Here are some less common but still legitimate signs that you’re being abused, you’re with a partner who shows abusive behavior, or perhaps even stuck in an abuse cycle with a partner:
- Tries to be overly involved in your affairs
- Is jealous
- Doesn’t own mistakes or feelings
- Doesn’t listen to any kind of feedback
- Is cruel to the vulnerable
- Uses force during intimacy
- Has firm beliefs about gender roles
- Has a history of perpetrating abuse
- Makes threats
How to Break the Cycle of Abuse
For those who are aware that they are in a cycle of abuse and want to end it, there are steps they can take to consciously choose to work to break the cycle.
Create an Exit Plan or Safety Plan
For some, the first step might involve leaving the abusive relationship and going to a shelter or other safe place. For others, the first step might involve confiding in a medical or counseling professional and creating a safety plan for those moments when their partner is escalating toward abuse.
Prioritize Yourself
Ending the cycle of abuse will usually involve an understanding of the cycle of abuse, the characteristics of abusive relationships versus healthy relationships, learning how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship, and developing a gut-level belief that they (and their children if applicable) deserve to be loved, respected, cherished, and protected in all of their relationships.
Establish Your Boundaries
It’s important to establish strong boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are there to help you set a fine line for what you will and will not accept. If someone is crossing your boundaries, they are showing you that they do not respect you. Stay firm to your boundaries and honor yourself and what your needs are. You do not owe anyone another chance or anything else.
Don’t Blame Yourself
Just because you were treated poorly doesn’t mean you deserved it or that it is your job to own the burden of the abuse. You are worthy of a healthy relationship, along with care, respect, and love from the people you keep in your life. If you have experienced abuse it is not your fault.
Establish a Support Network
Having a group of friends, family, or other connections in the community is a good way to keep you on the path of breaking out of the abusive relationship. Support systems help us stay accountable and keep us connected with people who may be available and offer to help with concrete needs as you create an exit plan or offer a safe place or a listening ear.
Treatment for Someone Experiencing a Cycle of Abuse
Treatment for a person who is experiencing a cycle of abuse will differ based on whether one is a perpetrator of the abuse or an abuse survivor. Individual and/or group counseling might be offered.
Effective treatments for survivors of domestic abuse typically include:13,14
- Connection with an advocate or mentor to assist the survivor by providing information, access to support (e.g., legal, financial, housing, other community supports), and developing a safety plan
- Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) interventions, offered individually and/or in groups, that help the survivor to develop skills in areas of emotion management, communication, and assertiveness
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) therapies for those who are experiencing PTSD and complex trauma as a result of domestic abuse
The intended treatment outcome is dependent upon the goals of the abuse survivor. Do they want to end their relationship with the abuser? Do they want to stay in the relationship and try to work on it? Are they open to learning ways to protect themselves and/or their children? Timelines will vary depending upon individual and abuse factors such as the survivor’s history of trauma/abuse, access to social, financial, and community support, how long the abusive relationship has been going on, the severity and frequency of abuse, etc.
Can the Cycle Be Prevented?
For those who have dealt with abuse, it is encouraging to note that 70% of adults who experienced abuse in childhood do not go on to become abusive themselves.15
Factors have been identified as being related to breaking the cycle of abuse among children who grew up in abusive homes, and did not become abusive as adults include:16,17
- Good self-esteem
- School achievement
- A caring and supportive relationship with a caregiver or other adult in childhood
- Social supports
- Having participated in therapy
Among women who experienced abuse in childhood, developing safe and nurturing relationships with their children, and with an intimate partner, have been found to be related to breaking the cycle of abuse.18
Examples of Cycles of Abuse
The following are hypothetical examples of cycles of abuse and how they are broken:
Young Husband With Childhood Abuse & Neglect
Noah, a 35-year-old man, who has lived through childhood abuse (verbal, physical, and sexual) as well as neglect, comes to counseling following an argument in which his wife told him that if he doesn’t change she will leave the marriage. He said he understands why his wife said this. He admits he is always angry and saying hurtful things to her and their children. He doesn’t know why he acts like this. He discloses that he has been very jealous of the friends his wife spends time with and recently hit his wife when he questioned her about what she talked to her friends about, and she told him that it wasn’t his business. He expressed his shame of behaving like his father, whom he swore he would never be like.
Over the next several sessions, the counselor works with Noah in identifying what he learned from his own parents about what a “loving relationship” or marriage entails. The counselor explains that this is the template or blueprint he was given early in life, for attitudes and behaviors that define this important relationship. The counselor lets him know that as an adult he can choose to create his own blueprint. Noah acknowledges that he wants something different than what his parents had. They work on identifying what type of relationship he would like to have, along with the attitudes and behaviors he is currently using that undermine this goal. They work on exploring attitudes and behaviors that would better support his goals. They work on helping him to identify and work on the interpersonal skills he is lacking. They also identify coping and communication strategies that Noah can use to address his anger in healthy and respectful ways.
College Student With Abusive Parents
Janna is an 18-year-old woman. She skipped a class to come to the college counseling center. She tells the therapist that her parents know her school schedule and pick her up at school as soon as her classes end. She is not allowed to leave the house for any other reason. She asks for help to escape. She tells the counselor that at home she is verbally abused, and physically beaten, by both parents. She said it became worse 5 years ago when her older sister ran away from home, and they weren’t able to find her. Janna also said that her brother, who is 7 years older than her, has been sexually abusing her since she was 10 years old. She told her parents after the first time it happened and said her parents’ reaction was to call her a “slut” and beat her badly for “making up such disgusting lies”. She said that if she has to stay in that house much longer she is going to kill herself.
The therapist clarifies with Janna whether she wants to work on a safety plan and preparations to move out, or if she needs to leave today. Janna said she doesn’t want to go back home ever again. The therapist and Janna talk about what support Janna will need to make this happen. With Janna’s consent, the therapist contacts a local women’s shelter, and arrangements are made to transport her to the shelter. Since Janna wants to continue with her schooling, campus police are called in to develop a safety plan for Janna on campus, and to send out an alert to campus officers that Janna’s family members will be prohibited from coming onto campus grounds. Janna requests ongoing appointments with the therapist because she knows she will need help to heal from all she has been through.
Middle Aged Mother With Abusive Husband
Natalia is a 45-year-old woman who has been married for 26 years. Natalia’s daughters brought her to this counseling appointment. At first, Natalia is silent, but as her daughters plead with tear-filled eyes for Natalia to talk to the counselor, and tell Natalia that they are afraid their father is going to kill her – Natalia starts to speak of the abuse for the first time in her life.
Natalia tells the counselor that her husband wasn’t always like this. She said that in the beginning, he was kind and thoughtful. Over the years, as he kept being let go from jobs, he started drinking more and more. When he drinks, he becomes angry, cruel, and violent. Natalia disclosed that she has been hospitalized three times during the past year and a half due to beatings by her husband. She said that each time she made up excuses for her injuries and stuck to her story, despite the probing questions of hospital staff. She admits she has thought about leaving, but her husband has told her many times that if she ever left him, he would kill her and their daughters. She believes he would follow through with his threat.
Over the next several months, Natalia continues to meet with the counselor. With the support of her daughters, the therapist, a few friends, and the local abused women’s center, she decides she no longer wishes to live in fear for her life on a daily basis. She and her daughters move to a different state with their mother and help her to reclaim her life and sense of safety.
For Further Reading
The following are helpful additional resources for anyone impacted by a cycle of abuse:
