The cycle of abuse refers to the predictable phases of behavior that occur in abusive relationships: tension-building, acting out, reconciliation/honeymoon, and calmness.1 The good news is that with awareness and appropriate interventions, the cycle of abuse can be broken.1
Who Is Affected by a Cycle of Abuse?
The cycle of abuse is characterized by a power imbalance in a relationship, in which one person uses abusive threats and behaviors to control another person. This might occur in an intimate relationship between two youth/adults, or in a relationship in which an adult engages in abusive behavior toward a child.
Anyone who witnesses the cycle of abuse, or is victimized by it, can be affected. Abuse can take the form of threats of violence or actual violence toward the victim, their children, other loved ones, and/or pets. Abuse might be emotional (e.g., gaslighting, manipulation, displaying weapons, stalking), verbal, physical, sexual, or might involve neglect.
Women in Cycles of Abuse
For women, the lifetime prevalence of abuse by a partner is estimated to be as high as 40%2 More specifically, the rates of lifetime prevalence of specific types of abuse experienced by women in intimate relationships is estimated to be: 16% for sexual violence, 22% for severe physical violence, and 9% for stalking.3 We also know that women who were sexually abused as children are at greater risk to be physically and sexually revictimized in their adolescence and early adulthood, and in domestic abuse situations.4
Men in Cycles of Abuse
It is estimated that nearly 12% of abuse survivors from intimate partner violence are men.5 Lifetime prevalence rates of specific types of violence against men in intimate partner relationships are estimated to be: 10% for sexual violence, 14% for severe physical violence, and 2% for stalking.3
Children in Cycles of Abuse
It is estimated that up to 42% of children in the U.S. experience neglect, 28% experience physical abuse, and 5% experience sexual abuse.6 Children who witness or experience abuse, are at increased risk to either experience or perpetrate abuse in their intimate relationships as adults.7
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Signs of a Cycle of Abuse
Individuals, who are directly experiencing or witnessing a cycle of abuse, might exhibit some behaviors that raise warning flags that abuse is occurring. Some will show signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and specifically Complex Trauma, as a result of long-term abuse. In some cases, however, survivors of abuse have become very skilled at hiding the signs of abuse, and some will even excel in school, work, sports, and/or community activities – as they spend a great deal of effort, hiding this “secret” from others.
Typical symptoms one might observe, among adults who are living in a Cycle of Abuse include:8,2
- Frequent lateness and/or absences from work or school
- Social isolation from family, friends, coworkers, and/or classmate
- Fear of their partner
- Ongoing indications of physical injuries – which are often explained as accidents
- Receiving frequent upsetting texts or phone calls from their partner
- Decreased ability to concentrate on work or school
- Sleep issues
- Eating disorders or changes in appetite
- Depression and/or anxiety
- Low self-esteem, shame, and guilt
- Lack of trust
- Substance use as a means of coping
- Suicidal and/or homicidal thoughts
Symptoms that might be present in children or youth who are experiencing the Cycle of Abuse include:8
- Reenactment of the abuse in play or with other children
- Frequent lateness and/or absence from school
- Social isolation
- Fear of a parent, a romantic partner (for youth), or another adult
- Ongoing indications of physical injuries – which are often explained as accidents
- Emotional outbursts – sadness and crying, or anger and acting out using violence against others
- Lack of food, adequate clothing, and/or other necessities
- Decreased ability to concentrate in school
- Drug use to cope
The 4 Stages of Cycles of Abuse
The stages of the cycle of abuse theory, regarding the intimate partner or caregiver abuse, proposes the following pattern of behaviors:1,9,10
1. Tension-Building1,9,10
During this phase, the relationship between the perpetrator and the victim of abuse is fraught with tension. The perpetrator begins to show signs of anger and frustration as the tension builds. The abuse survivor is hyper-focused on the perpetrator, in an attempt to find any signs that the abuse might start again. The survivor might try different ways to avoid or appease the perpetrator, in hopes that the abuse won’t recur.
2. Incident(s) of Abuse1,9,10
During this phase the tension in the relationship erupts, and the perpetrator engages in abusive behaviors as a means to control the abuse survivor. The abuse might involve threats, stalking, humiliation, acts of physical or sexual violence, severe neglect, and/or financial or spiritual abuse. This phase might involve a single incident or a series of incidents.
3. Reconciliation1,9,10
During the reconciliation or “honeymoon” phase, the perpetrator will take steps to re-establish their connection with the abuse survivor. The perpetrator might apologize and engage in affectionate and remorseful gestures to convince the abuse survivor that they are sorry and promise that the abuse will not happen again. They may buy gifts, cook nice dinners and spend an enormous amount of time and money to “buy” back the victim’s trust and affection. This itself, is abuse, as there is an ulterior motive.
Alternatively, the perpetrator might convince the abuse survivor that the abuse was entirely the survivor’s fault, or the perpetrator might altogether ignore or deny that the abuse happened at all—thereby undermining the survivor’s belief in their own perceptions and memories.
4. Calm1
In the calm phase, the relationship between the abuser and the abuse survivor is relatively peaceful. Both might appear to forget about the previous abusive incident(s) and move forward, however, this period of calm will pass, as tensions in the relationship begin to build again and the cycle begins again.
It should be noted that, by following up episodes of abuse with gestures of remorse and love, the perpetrator seeks to cement the trauma bonding with the victim.
Treatment for Someone Experiencing a Cycle of Abuse
Treatment for a person who is experiencing a cycle of abuse will differ based on whether one is a perpetrator of the abuse or an abuse survivor. Individual and/or group counseling might be offered. The intended treatment outcome will be dependent on the goals of the individuals involved.
Treatment for Perpetrators of Abuse
Therapeutic interventions which have been demonstrated to be most effective in significantly reducing the recurrence of abusive behavior include:11,12
- Are geared to the specific needs of the perpetrator (e.g., might involve addressing issues related to addiction, unemployment, psychopathology, etc.)
- Occur over a longer period of time (i.e., more than 16 weeks/sessions)
- Involve Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy or are based on the Duluth model (i.e., interventions are focused on changing thinking and behavior patterns that support violence and abuse)
Intended Treatment Outcome & Timelines
The intended goal of treatment ultimately rests with the client, who in this case, has been the perpetrator of abuse. The intended treatment outcome of the professionals who work with perpetrators of abuse is to stop the recurrence of abusive behaviors by the perpetrator in all its forms. The timelines involved will be dependent on the specific needs of the perpetrator and the availability of supports and resources to address these needs. Nevertheless, regardless of the availability of resources, support, and therapeutic interventions—if the perpetrator has no intention or motivation to change their behavior—this would override everything else, and timelines would be irrelevant.
Treatment for Survivors of Abuse
Effective treatments for survivors of domestic abuse typically include:13,14
- Connection with an advocate or mentor to assist the survivor by providing information, access to support (e.g., legal, financial, housing, other community supports), and developing a safety plan
- Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) interventions, offered individually and/or in groups, help the survivor to develop skills in areas of emotion management, communication, and assertiveness
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) therapies for those who are experiencing PTSD and complex trauma as a result of domestic abuse
Intended Treatment Outcome & Timeline
The intended treatment outcome is dependent upon the goals of the abuse survivor. Do they want to end their relationship with the abuser? Do they want to stay in the relationship and try to work on it? Are they open to learning ways to protect themselves and/or their children? Timelines will vary depending upon individual and abuse factors such as the survivor’s history of trauma/abuse; access to social, financial, and community support; how long the abusive relationship has been going on; the severity and frequency of abuse; etc.
How to Get Help for a Cycle of Abuse
If one is living through a cycle of abuse and is looking for help, there are a number of resources that might be available in the community.
These include but are not limited to:
- Police – call 911 – if you fear your life is currently in danger
- Shelters for abused partners and/or their children
- Your family doctor, or other medical professionals (through local walk-in clinics or hospitals)
- Sexual assault or rape centers
- Domestic abuse hotlines
- Professional counselors, therapists, or psychologists
Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
It is encouraging to note that 70% of adults who experienced abuse in childhood do not go on to become abusive themselves.15
Factors have been identified as being related to breaking the cycle of abuse among children who grew up in abusive homes, and did not become abusive as adults include:16,17
- Good self-esteem
- School achievement
- A caring and supportive relationship with a caregiver or other adult in childhood
- Social supports
- Having participated in therapy
Among women who experienced abuse in childhood, developing safe and nurturing relationships with their children, and with an intimate partner, have been found to be related to breaking the cycle of abuse.18
For those who are aware that they are in a cycle of abuse, and want to end it, there are steps they can take to consciously choose to work to end it. For some, the first step might involve leaving the abusive relationship and going to a shelter or other safe place. For others, the first step might involve confiding in a medical or counseling professional and creating a safety plan for those moments when their partner is escalating toward abuse.
Ending the cycle of abuse, will usually involve an understanding of the cycle of abuse, the characteristics of abusive relationships versus healthy relationships, learning how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship, and developing a gut-level belief that they—and their children (if applicable)—deserve to be loved, respected, cherished, and protected in all of their relationships. Oftentimes, counseling, or therapy can be helpful in providing the information and interventions that can make this shift possible.
Examples of Cycles of Abuse
The following are hypothetical examples of Cycles of Abuse and how they are broken:
Noah, 35
Noah, a 35-year-old man, who has lived through childhood abuse (verbal, physical, and sexual) as well as neglect, comes to counseling following an argument in which his wife told him that if he doesn’t change she will leave the marriage. He said he understands why his wife said this. He admits he is always angry and saying hurtful things to her and their children. He doesn’t know why he acts like this. He discloses that he has been very jealous of the friends his wife spends time with and recently hit his wife when he questioned her about what she talked to her friends about, and she told him that it wasn’t his business. He expressed his shame of behaving like his father, whom he swore he would never be like.
Over the next several sessions, the counselor works with Noah in identifying what he learned from his own parents about what a “love relationship” or marriage entails. The counselor explains that this is the template or blueprint he was given early in life, for attitudes and behaviors that define this important relationship. The counselor lets him know that as an adult he can choose to create his own blueprint. Noah acknowledges that he wants something different than what his parents had. They work on identifying what type of relationship he would like to have, along with the attitudes and behaviors he is currently using that undermine this goal. They work on exploring attitudes and behaviors that would better support his goals. They work on helping him to identify and work on the interpersonal skills he is lacking. They also identify coping and communication strategies that Noah can use to address his anger in healthy and respectful ways.
Janna, 18
Janna is an 18-year-old woman. She skipped a class to come to the college counseling center. She tells the therapist that her parents know her school schedule and pick her up at school as soon as her classes end. She is not allowed to leave the house for any other reason. She asks for help to escape. She tells the counselor that at home she is verbally abused, and physically beaten, by both parents. She said it became worse 5 years ago when her older sister ran away from home, and they weren’t able to find her. Janna also said that her brother, who is 7 years older than her, has been sexually abusing her since she was 10 years old. She told her parents after the first time it happened and said her parents’ reaction was to call her a “slut” and beat her badly for “making up such disgusting lies”. She said that if she has to stay in that house much longer she is going to kill herself.
The therapist clarifies with Janna whether she wants to work on a safety plan and preparations to move out, or if she needs to leave today. Janna said she doesn’t want to go back home ever again. The therapist and Janna talk about what support Janna will need to make this happen. With Janna’s consent, the therapist contacts a local women’s shelter, and arrangements are made to transport her to the shelter. Since Janna wants to continue with her schooling, campus police are called in to develop a safety plan for Janna on campus, and to send out an alert to campus officers that Janna’s family members will be prohibited from coming onto campus grounds. Janna requests ongoing appointments with the therapist because she knows she will need help to heal from all she has been through.
Natalia, 45
Natalia is a 45-year-old woman who has been married for 26 years. Natalia’s daughters brought her to this counseling appointment. At first, Natalia is silent, but as her daughters plead with tear-filled eyes for Natalia to talk to the counselor, and tell Natalia that they are afraid their father is going to kill her – Natalia starts to speak of the abuse for the first time in her life.
Natalia tells the counselor that her husband wasn’t always like this. She said that in the beginning, he was kind and thoughtful. Over the years, as he kept being let go from jobs, he started drinking more and more. When he drinks, he becomes angry, cruel, and violent. Natalia disclosed that she has been hospitalized three times during the past year and a half due to beatings by her husband. She said that each time she made up excuses for her injuries and stuck to her story, despite the probing questions of hospital staff. She admits she has thought about leaving, but her husband has told her many times that if she ever left him, he would kill her and their daughters. She believes he would follow through with his threat.
Over the next several months, Natalia continues to meet with the counselor. With the support of her daughters, the therapist, a few friends, and the local abused women’s center, she decides she no longer wishes to live in fear for her life on a daily basis. She and her daughters move to a different state with their mother and help her to reclaim her life and sense of safety.
Additional Resources for Cycle Of Abuse
The following are helpful additional resources for anyone impacted by a cycle of abuse:
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