Signs of an abusive relationship might include feeling that you deserve the mistreatment from your partner and justifying your partner’s abusive behaviors. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, remember that it is not your fault and you do not deserve to be treated poorly. It is important to seek help immediately and to stay away from your abuser. You don’t have to go through this alone.1
25 Abusive Relationship Signs
There are a number of red flags to look for if you think you may be in an abusive relationship. Some abusive relationships begin as toxic relationships, and you may not recognize the toxic traits until they become abusive. It’s also important to consider the cycle of abuse you may be in if there has been a pattern of abuse and then reconciliation, as abusers tend to create these cycles to keep their victim submissive.
“Most people expect to feel scared or angry when in an abuse situation, but the reality is much more complex. You might feel both of those things, but usually an abusive situation is maintained by the fact that you also feel deep love and a sense of intimacy and closeness. You might feel like your abuser is the only person who loves or protects or understands or appreciates you. That’s part of what makes it so hard to even think about leaving.” – Avigail Gordon, PhD, Clinical Psychologist
Here are 25 potential signs of an abusive relationship:2
- Verbal abuse
- Poor temper by abuser
- Unpredictable behaviors by abuser
- Cruelty to animals and others by abuser
- Possessiveness by abuser
- Jealousy by abuser
- Threatening behavior by the abuser
- Forced sexual activity by abuser and disregard for others desire for such activity
- Controlling behavior by abuser and codependency
- The abuser gaslights the victim
- Financial control by abuser
- Blaming the victim and trauma bonding
- Abuse of children by abuser
- Accusing the victim of perceived slights
- Controlling the attire of the victim
- Demeaning behaviors and attitude toward victim
- Publicly shaming the victim
- Harassment of the victim publicly
- Bruises on the body, black eye, bleeding, and cuts on the victim
- The victim displays rapid changes in behavior
- The victim develops sexually transmitted infections
- Overdose of medication or underdose of medication for the victim
- Malnutrition of the victim
- Growing health issues of the victim
- Withdrawing behaviors by the victim
Types of Abuse in Relationships
There are several types of abuse that can occur in relationships, including:
- Physical Abuse: Intentional bodily injury such as slapping, kicking, punching, choking, pinching and physical restraints.
- Sexual Abuse & Coercion: Nonconsensual sexual behaviors by one partner to another. Contact that is unwanted and unwelcome, such as touch, rape, nudity, sexually explicit photography and sodomy.
- Mental & Emotional Abuse: Purposefully causing emotional pain and/or mental pain. Behaviors of emotional abuse include isolation, harassment, ridiculing, coercion, intimidation, coercion, silencing and controlling behaviors, yelling and swearing and other verbal attempts to cause mental distress.
What You Might Feel or Say When You’re in an Abusive Relationship
An abusive partner may make you feel like you can’t believe yourself, or that the problems in the relationship are your fault. This is known as gaslighting.
Here are some things you might say to yourself if you’re in an abusive relationship:
‘My partner loves me – they’re not violent all the time’
Someone may say this to justify their decision to stay in the relationship because poor behavior doesn’t happen all the time. They are focused on the moments where there is no violence and consider that good enough. They attribute the times of non-violence to prove that their partner does love them.
‘They didn’t mean to hurt me’
Similarly to above, when they are being physically injured, they consider it to be about what their abuser says, which is that they didn’t intentionally mean to hurt them. The victim hears the words and believes the words instead of looking at the action.
‘It’s so confusing – I’m sure it’s a one-time thing’
Someone may say this if they are trying to understand how and why abuse may have occurred and pacify it. They allow and accept the one-time behavior to happen, and when it happens again, they may struggle to understand that it is abuse if they are so quick to allow poor behavior.
‘Maybe it’s my fault’
Someone may say this because they are made to feel that they are at fault, and if they adjusted their behavior, they wouldn’t be hurt. They may also have a history of abuse and have internalized a false narrative about their self worth.
‘I’m scared of what will happen if I leave’
Someone may say this to mean a couple things. First, they may physically fear leaving if they have been threatened that if they leave, the abuser will find them. The abuser can psychologically keep victims held captive. Second, someone may say this because they don’t know life without this person or they may depend on this person for housing, financial support, meals, etc.
Effects of Abusive Relationships
If you are in an abusive relationship, you may feel hopeless about how the situation might improve, or you might feel guilty for staying in a relationship even though you know it’s not healthy.
Abusive relationships can make someone feel:
- Confused
- Hopeless
- Guilty
- Afraid
- Shamed
- Moody
Someone in an abusive relationship may also develop mental health concerns, like:
- Difficulty concentrating
- Social isolation, withdrawal and feeling lonely
- Having nightmares
- Anxiety
- Depression
- PTSD
- Developing an eating disorder
- Developing a substance use disorder
Someone may also develop physical issues, like:
- Tight muscles
- Racing heart
- Body aches and pains
- Chronic psychosomatic pain or physical pain
- Sleep issues
- Heart disease
- Headaches and migraines
How to Leave an Abusive Relationship
Making the decision and plan to leave an abusive relationship can seem very scary and difficult even though the way you are being treated is unacceptable. You may have your finances and housing intermingled, which can be hard to separate. You may be experiencing trauma bonding as well, making the idea of leaving even more challenging. You may also be so isolated from friends and family that you don’t know how to contact anyone for support. You are not alone and you’re brave for taking steps to leave a toxic relationship.
Gordon cautions, “If you are thinking of leaving an abusive relationship, you need to have a safe place to go, a safe way to get there (car keys, gas money, bus fare), and a clear plan. You also want to have access to important documents like your passport or birth certificate, insurance cards, or car registrations. Keep those in one place so you can grab them easily. If you can, try to build up some money that you have secure or job skills you can use once you’re safe.”
Here are seven steps to take if you’re ready to leave an abusive relationship:3
1. Be Aware of Red Flags
When you sense that your abuser is going to get angry and you can anticipate that something may happen, stay vigilant. When you sense this is happening, plan to have reasons to leave the house. Have a story or explanation that will be believed both during the day and at night.
2. Find Safe Spots
If your abuser starts to get angry and you feel they may become abusive, locate a safe area of the house where you can go. Make sure these areas have access to a window and a phone. Try to avoid places with no exits such as closets. Also, connect with a neighbor or friend as well and come up with a plan to leave the house and go elsewhere.
3. Have a Code Word
Come up with language or a gesture that you can use to alert others that you are in danger and to seek help. A code word, a facial expression, or a hand gesture are all ways to communicate discreetly. Know where you can go in case of an emergency and locate potential shelters.
4. Have a Go Bag Ready
Make sure you have a packed bag with the essentials that you can grab and leave the house with. A key, car keys, clothes, cash, phone numbers, documents, etc. Asking a friend or relative to keep copies of all of these is important as well. Make sure you have access to the location you are fleeing to, whether that is a shelter or a friend’s house (a key hidden in a specific spot) so you are not stuck without a place to go to.
5. Do a Practice Drill
Practice leaving the house and go over your exit plan so you know what to do. If you have children, have them participate so they also know what to do.
6. Don’t Use a Phone That Your Abuser Has Access To
This phone might have information such as location tracking, account information, and billing. Use a go phone, a prepaid phone, payphone or a friend’s phone if you need to make phone calls. The same goes for other devices such as computers and tablets.
7. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help
If you are in an abusive situation and need help getting out, there is no shame in asking for help. Connect with trusted friends and loved ones to help you get to safety and out of the volatile relationship. There are many resources available that can help you heal and move forward. Many domestic violence shelters and organizations give victims access to legal support, therapy, children’s services, healthcare, employment support, educational services, and financial assistance. Your information will remain private and protected as shelters are aware that abusers oftentimes search for their escaped victim.4
How a Therapist’s Support Can Help
Given the emotional volatility of an abusive relationship, it’s important to seek help immediately if you feel you are in danger of any kind. You do not need to endure any kind of abuse in a relationship and are not obligated to stay or try to work things out. Abuse should never be tolerated and a therapist can help you normalize this into an internalized belief.5 A therapist can help you unlearn unhealthy relationship patterns, deal with any relationship PTSD you’re experiencing, and learn what healthy relationships look like.
When to Get Started
Ideally, the right time to get help with these relationship issues is when one or both partners identifies an issue in the relationship, far before abuse actually begins. It can be challenging to talk about with your partner, so it’s important to consider individual or couples therapy, depending on what your issues are.
Should We Go to Therapy Together?
Seeking therapy is a big challenge for those with abusive behaviors in part due to the major gaps in self awareness that don’t allow them to recognize areas for self-improvement. It may be likely that the victim in the relationship is the one to initiate therapy, either individually or couples therapy. The act of going to therapy and having someone listen without judgment and feel that your needs matter can help restore some of the self worth that was lost due to the abuse you’ve endured.
Finding a Therapist
A great way to find a therapist for these types of relationships is by searching an online directory where you can search for someone who has experience with abuse in relationships. All licensed therapists can be equipped to help people struggling with these issues. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and teletherapy visits.
Another way to locate a therapist is by referral, which can come from a trusted loved one or a physician. Healthcare providers often have access to a network of other providers who can be helpful. Going through your primary care provider is also a great way to keep them in the loop about any treatment options or trauma experienced in the relationship.
Supporting a Friend in an Abusive Relationship
It can be difficult to know how to help someone who feels trapped in an abusive relationship. The best thing you can do is be there for them as a consistent source of support.
Gordon says, “The most important thing you can do is to maintain a relationship. Abusers often isolate their victims, and so just being a steady presence makes you a lifeline. Keep in contact. Don’t try to push your friend to leave before they’re ready or try to force them to acknowledge their partner is abusive. That can backfire and leave your friend even more isolated. Just remaining in their lives, and expressing that you’re there for them is the best way to help. That way, when they feel ready, you can help them get to safety or access other supports.”
Final Thoughts
If you are dealing with issues stemming from toxic or abusive relationships, talking to a therapist can make a big difference in how you feel. Abuse in any form should not be tolerated, but therapy and reaching out to your support network can help you recognize this and develop an exit plan.
For Further Reading
Abusive Relationship Infographics
