Understanding Abusive Relationships: Signs, Effects, & How to Get Help

27 Common Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

There are a number of red flags to look for if you think you may be in an abusive relationship. Some abusive relationships begin as toxic relationships, and you may not recognize the toxic traits until they become abusive.

Here are twenty-seven potential signs of an abusive relationship:²

1. Verbal abuse, such as insults, belittling, name-calling
2. Gaslighting (manipulating the victim to doubt their own sanity)
3. Blaming the victim for the abuser’s actions
4. Accusing the victim of perceived slights
5. Controlling behaviors, such as those exhibited by a controlling husband or wife
6. Publicly shaming or humiliating the victim
7. Possessiveness and jealousy
8. Unpredictable and volatile behavior
9. Financial control and restricting access to money
10. Preventing the victim from seeing friends and family
11. Threatening to harm the victim
12. Threats to destroy property or harm pets
13. Threats to harm oneself to manipulate the victim
14. Encouraging codependency
15. Using intimidation tactics to instill fear
16. Physical signs of abuse (bruises, black eyes, cuts, bleeding)
17. Forced sexual activity and disregard for the victim’s consent
18. Cruelty to animals and others
19. Development of sexually transmitted infections in the victim
20. Using the victim’s children as a means to manipulate or control the victim
21. The victim experiences increased stress, anxiety, and depression
22. The victim has difficulty concentrating
23. The victim struggles with malnutrition
24. The victim has growing health issues due to neglect or abuse
25. Overdose or underdose of medication for the victim
26. The victim has difficulty building and maintaining meaningful relationships
27. The victim experiences negative impacts on their career

Types of Abuse in Relationships

Abuse in relationships can take many forms, including physical, emotional, sexual, and financial abuse. Some abuse is overt, while other types of abuse are covert. No matter the type, all abuse is harmful and can have long-lasting effects on the victim’s mental and physical health.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is the intentional use of force against another person that results in bodily injury. It can occur in various relationships, including romantic, familial, or caregiving relationships. Physical abuse often leads to physical harm and emotional trauma, as well as severely affecting the victim’s overall health and well-being. Signs of physical abuse include:

 

• Hitting, slapping, or punching the victim with the hand or other objects
• Choking the victim, making it difficult for them to breathe
• Pushing the victim into objects or the wall, or causing them to lose balance and fall
• Pinching the victim to the point of bruising
• Restraining or holding the victim down, preventing them from leaving
• Using cigarettes, lighters, or matches to burn the victim
• Dragging the victim forcefully by their arms or hair
• Spitting at the victim, such as in their face
• Throwing objects at the victim
• Aggressively shaking the victim, causing intimidation or physical injuries

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse involves any non-consensual sexual activity or behavior imposed on an individual. It can occur in many different relationships, including romantic, familial, and professional connections. Sexual abuse often results in deep sexual trauma, physical injury, and long-lasting psychological effects. Signs of sexual abuse include:

 

• Forcing the victim to engage in sexual acts without consent
• Coercing or pressuring the victim into performing sexual activity
• Touching, kissing, or groping the victim without consent
• Taking nonconsensual photos or videos of sexual acts between the victim and perpetrator
• Physically overpowering the victim to get them to engage in sexual acts
• Threatening harm to the victim or others if they do not comply with sexual activity the perpetrator wants
• Repeatedly disregarding boundaries regarding sexual activity that the victim has set
• Demanding sex as a form of control or punishment
• Violating privacy by forcing the victim to perform sexual activity in public
• Ignoring agreed-upon safe words during sexual activity

Psychological & Emotional Abuse

Psychological and emotional abuse involves purposefully manipulating, intimidating, or belittling someone to control their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors or cause them emotional pain. This form of abuse can occur in any relationship and can lead to long-term emotional damage and a loss of autonomy. Signs of emotional and verbal abuse include:

 

• Frequently belittling, criticizing, or degrading the victim
• Making the victim doubt their own perception, reality, or emotions – known as gaslighting
• Isolating the victim from people they are close with, such as family and friends
• Threatening to harm themselves as a way to control what the victim does
• Threatening to harm the victim or others they care about, such as friends, pets, or family
• Using intimidation by breaking or throwing objects to cause the victim to feel fear
• Calling the victim derogatory names or insults
• Controlling the victim’s choices, such as what they are allowed to do, who they can see, what they wear
• Inducing guilt to cause the victim to comply with what they want
• Withholding love or affection as a means of control

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence where one individual exerts control over another person’s financial resources, limiting their independence to support themselves. This manipulation can occur in romantic, familial, or caregiving relationships. Signs of financial abuse include:

 

• Controlling the victim’s access to credit cards, cash, or their bank account
• Using the victim’s money without their knowledge or consent
• Running up large amounts of credit card debt on the victim’s card
• Coercing the victim into financial decisions, such as co-signing on a car or loan
• Withholding access to money the victim needs for necessities
• Denying the victim access to details about account balances, bank statements, or banking login information
• Threatening financial harm or ruin to control the victim’s actions
• Sabotaging the victim’s potential employment or other means of receiving income
• Using financial dependence or reliance on the victim as a way to control them
• Setting a strict or unfair budget for the victim that does not allow them to have basic necessities

Digital Abuse

Digital abuse involves the use of technology to harass, control, or intimidate someone. It can occur in romantic relationships, friendships, and professional settings. It often leads to emotional distress and privacy invasion and can severely affect the victim’s mental health and sense of security. Signs of digital abuse include:

 

• Spamming the victim, such as sending excessive text messages, direct messages on social media, or emails
• Posting embarrassing or private things about the victim online or on social media
• Blocking contacts on the victim’s phone to limit who they can talk to
• Creating fake profiles to keep tabs on the victim or spy on them
• Controlling the victim’s social media by dictating what they post or posting without their consent
• Hacking into the victim’s accounts to gain access to personal information
• Threatening to post private photos or videos online if the victim doesn’t do what the perpetrator wants
• Installing spyware on the victim’s phone to monitor what they are doing
• Putting tracking apps on the victim’s phone or other tracking devices, without consent
• Forcing the victim to share their online passwords with the perpetrator

Organizational or Institutional Abuse

Organizational or institutional abuse occurs within care facilities or educational, communal, or religious institutions, where individuals are mistreated or neglected by those in positions of power. This can happen in settings such as places of worship, schools, nursing homes, or hospitals. It can result in physical harm, emotional trauma, religious trauma, and/or a loss of trust in institutions, significantly affecting the victim’s well-being. Signs of organization or institutional abuse include:

 

• Failing to provide adequate supervision in a school or healthcare setting
• Neglecting basic needs of a patient, child, or other individual
• Allowing harassment or bullying in an organization or workplace
• Not providing a way or means to report abuse within an organization
• Failing to address misconduct or abuse that is known or reported
• Creating unfair policies that cause harm or disadvantages to specific groups of people
• Allowing unsafe working conditions
• Abusing power through authority within an organization to control others
• Covering up misconduct or abuse within an institution to protect its reputation
• Denying access to resources within an institution that an individual is entitled to

Effects of Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships can have severe and lasting effects on individuals, impacting the victim’s physical, emotional, and mental health. Physically, victims may suffer from injuries or health issues that develop from the distress. Psychologically, abuse can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If an individual experiences long-term abuse, they will likely develop trust issues and have trouble developing and maintaining healthy relationships in the future.

Abusive relationships can make someone feel:

• Confused: In an abusive relationship, feeling confused may occur as the victim tries to make sense of the perpetrator’s mixed messages and unpredictable behaviors. Gaslighting often leads to confusion as well, as the perpetrator makes the victim question their own reality and perception. 
• Hopeless: It may feel as if you will never be able to escape your abusive partner or that things will never get better, leading to feelings of hopelessness. 
• Guilty: A victim of abuse may feel responsible for the perpetrator’s behavior and feel guilt for this. For example, a victim may feel if they can change their behavior, the perpetrator will stop abusing them, leading them to feel guilty and blame themselves for the abuse.
• Afraid: Fear is frequently felt by victims of abuse, as many of the perpetrator’s actions aim to cause the victim to feel afraid or on edge.
• Ashamed: Shame may cause you to hide what is happening within your relationship due to fear of being judged by others. Feeling ashamed about the abuse you’ve endured may feel like a heavy burden weighing you down, quieting you from sharing with those close to you.
• Moody: Victims of abuse often feel on edge from the unpredictability of the perpetrator’s behavior, leading the victim to experience sudden mood shifts, surges of anxiety, sadness, and more.

Someone in an abusive relationship may also develop mental health concerns, like:

• Anxiety: Frequent worrying, nervousness, feeling on edge, sleeplessness due to worry, and feeling unable to stop worrying are some examples of how this may feel.
• Depression: Symptoms of depression include pervasive low mood, lack of motivation, loss of interest in activities, withdrawal from others, difficulty concentrating, and in some cases, suicidal thoughts.
• PTSD: Trauma, especially betrayal trauma, from abuse can lead to the development of PTSD. Some symptoms of this can include nightmares, flashbacks of the abuse, heightened emotional or physical reactivity during trauma reminders, hypervigilance, and being easily startled.
• Eating disorder: This may include restricting food intake by not eating, eating significantly less, or purging food that is eaten by vomiting or taking laxatives.
• Substance use disorder: Examples of this include excessive consumption of alcohol and engaging in frequent drug use.

Someone may also develop physical issues, like:

• Tight muscles
• Racing heart
• Body aches and pains
• Chronic psychosomatic pain or physical pain
• Sleep issues
• Heart disease
• Headaches and migraines

How to Leave an Abusive Relationship

Making the decision to leave an abusive relationship is very scary and difficult. You likely feel internally torn, ashamed, or guilty for taking this step. You may have your finances and housing intermingled, which can be hard to separate. You may also be so isolated from friends and family. Remember, you are not alone, and you’re brave enough to take steps to leave.

Here are steps to take if you’re ready to leave an abusive relationship:³

• Be aware of red flags: When you sense that your abuser is going to get angry and you can anticipate that something may happen, plan to have reasons to leave the house. Have a story or explanation that will be believed both during the day and at night.
• Find safe spots: If your abuser starts to get angry and you feel they may become abusive, locate a safe area of the house where you can go. Make sure these areas have access to a window and a phone. Try to avoid places with no exits, such as closets. Also, connect with a neighbor or friend as well and come up with a plan to leave the house and go elsewhere.
• Ask for help: If you are in an abusive situation and need help getting out, there is no shame in asking for help. Connect with trusted friends and loved ones to help you get to safety and out of the volatile relationship. Many domestic violence shelters and organizations give victims access to legal support, therapy, children’s services, healthcare, employment support, educational services, and financial assistance. Your information will remain private and protected as shelters are aware that abusers oftentimes search for their escaped victims.⁴
• Have a code word: Come up with language or a gesture that you can use to alert others that you are in danger and to seek help. A code word, a facial expression, or a hand gesture are all ways to communicate discreetly. Know where you can go in case of an emergency and locate potential shelters.
• Have a go bag ready: Make sure you have a packed bag with the essentials that you can grab and leave the house with. A key, car keys, clothes, cash, phone numbers, documents, etc. Asking a friend or relative to keep copies of all of these is important as well.
• Do a practice drill: Practice leaving the house and go over your exit plan so you know what to do. If you have children, have them participate so they also know what to do. During the drill, make sure you have access to the location you are fleeing to (via a code, key, etc.), whether that is a shelter or a friend’s house, so you are not stuck when you need to flee.
• Don’t use a phone that your abuser has access to: This phone might have information such as location tracking, account information, and billing. If you need to make phone calls, use a Go phone, a prepaid phone, a payphone, or a friend’s phone. The same goes for other devices, such as computers and tablets.

How to Find Professional Support

If you are in an abusive relationship, your safety is the top priority. If you feel you’re in immediate danger, contact local emergency services or the National Domestic Violence Hotline for urgent help. Reaching out to local shelters, community organizations, and legal aid services can also assist with safety planning, provide emergency housing, and help navigate legal processes, such as obtaining restraining orders.

Seeking professional support is another crucial step. Therapy services are confidential, and therapists are trained to provide support without judgment. Many offer sliding scale fees, and some community organizations provide low-cost or free counseling, ensuring you can access the help you need regardless of your financial situation. Online directories like Grow Therapy can help you find trauma-informed therapists in your area who specialize in abusive relationships. If in-person visits are challenging, online therapy platforms like BetterHelp and Talkspace allow you to receive support remotely from the safety and comfort of your home.

Supporting a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

It can be difficult to know how to help someone who feels trapped in an abusive relationship. The best thing you can do is be there for them as a consistent source of support.