Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend to Find Out if You're a Good Match

It’s known that healthy and open communication sets the stage for successful relationships. Regardless of how long you have been dating, asking your boyfriend the right questions can help you better understand him and improve the overall quality of your relationship. It can also help you build trust and enjoy a deeper connection together.

Why It Is Important to Ask Your Boyfriend Questions

Asking your partner questions about his life, desires, fears, and needs offers you insight into who he is and what he values. This awareness can help you understand his patterns and expectations.

“One of the best ways to determine compatibility in the long term in my experience is to ask serious questions about your partner’s life goals. I think it’s good to set these types of conversations outside of the specific topic of your relationship, and instead focus on where your partner would like to be in five years, where they would like to live, whether or not they want kids, and more. I think what many people might not realize is that in a long term relationship, matters of compatibility are often even more important than things like love—you can love someone you’re totally incompatible with! Relationships with lasting power will also have aligning life goals between partners.”

Shenella Karunaratne, Licensed Professional Counselor, OnlineMFTPrograms.com Shenella Karunaratne, LPC at OnlineMFTPrograms.com

Reasons you should ask your boyfriend questions include:

It can help you discover green flags and red flags in a relationship
It can increase emotional intimacy
It can help to build trust in a relationship
It can help you decide if you want to take the next step together
It can help you better reflect on your own needs and values
It can be a great way to spend quality time together
It can offer insight into why you might be disagreeing or having a conflict
It can help you build more intellectual intimacy
It can teach you your partner’s love language
It can help you develop more empathy for your partner’s needs and feelings

Knowing his answers (and him knowing yours) can support you both in building a more intentional relationship with one another. We’ve also created a free Relationship Inventory Worksheet to help you discover your strengths and weaknesses and better determine your compatibility.

Free Relationship Worksheet

Relationship Inventory Worksheet

Identifying what you want from a relationship is important for determining whether or not you are compatible with your partner.

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Tips for Asking Your Boyfriend Questions

When it comes to asking someone personal questions, it’s important to be respectful and compassionate. Healthy communication entails finding the right time (when neither person is busy or having a hard time) and honesty. It also means accepting your boyfriend’s responses without attacking or becoming defensive.¹ If you feel angry, take a step back and recollect your thoughts.

Here are some guidelines for asking questions:

Remember that it is not an interview
Avoid interrupting
Give your boyfriend your full attention
Avoid making assumptions
Consider reflecting back on what he says
Practice validating his emotions and needs
Respect him if he says he doesn’t want to talk about something
Be open and willing to answer questions yourself
Express why his answers are important for you to know

Questions to Ask at Various Stages of the Relationship

There are truly infinite questions to ask your bf! At the beginning stages of a relationship, it’s common for partners to want to know the other person’s interests and how they structure their daily lives. As the relationship becomes more serious, you may want to know more about the deeper topics, such as information about your boyfriend’s past or his goals for the future.

Deep Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

Deep questions can build emotional intimacy in romantic relationships, and this type of intimacy is one of the best predictors of a successful relationship.² Although some people wait several months or years before asking deep questions, it isn’t a hard rule. Knowing these answers can help you assess if you’re a good match, and they can also solidify love.

“Working in the mental health field for over 26 years, I have seen firsthand the importance of open and honest communication in relationships. This is why I believe that asking the right questions can be a valuable tool in assessing compatibility and strengthening a relationship.”

Sal Raichbach, LCSW, PsyD | Chief Clinical Officer at Haven Health Management

Deep questions to ask your boyfriend include:

What regrets do you have?
What do you value most in life?
What happened on the worst day of your life?
What does love mean to you?
How have your life priorities changed over time?
Who inspires you?
What makes you feel ashamed?
How do you cope when you feel lonely?
What mistake do you want to avoid making in the future?
Who do you miss the most from your past?
What habit do you want to change the most?
What gives you a sense of purpose?
How do you feel about our relationship right now?
What is the hardest part of your life right now?

What’s one thing you’re afraid to ask me, but really want to know the answer to?

“Asking your partner this question can be a great way to understand what’s going on in their mind and heart. The answers to this question can help you see if there are any hidden worries or things they are curious about. It can also show how comfortable they feel being honest and open with you. Being able to talk about these things can make your relationship stronger and help you both feel closer to each other. So, when you ask this question, listen carefully and respond with kindness and understanding.”

Sal Raichbach, LCSW, PsyD | Chief Clinical Officer at Haven Health Management

What are your long-term life goals?

“Understanding your boyfriend’s long-term aspirations can reveal if your visions for the future are aligned. If his goals involve travel and adventure while you prefer stability and home life, it’s essential to discuss how to reconcile these differences. Use his answers to determine if your futures can be harmoniously blended or if they might lead to conflict.”

Joshua Collins, LCSW, LCADC, CCS at SOBA New Jersey

12 Red Flags in a Relationship to Watch For

Red flags are warning signs that can alert us to toxic characteristics present in a partner or relationship. Identifying red flags can help us address, correct, and repair issues that will stand in the way of building a healthy, respectful, loving relationship. If red flags can’t be addressed, it may be a sign to move on.

Fun Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

Asking fun questions can be a great way to get to know a new partner. A fun question has an undertone of playfulness, and playfulness is essential at every stage of a relationship.³ Many people think they know everything about their boyfriend, but the reality is that you probably don’t know as much as you might think you do!

If we could just drop everything and jump into an adventure right now, where would you want to go?

“A playful and spontaneous element is added to your conversations when you ask your boyfriend this fun question! The answer brings fresh insights into his hobbies, ambitions, and excitement. His choice of destination and the reasons behind it can help you both discover shared desires for thrill, which can then be a catalyst for planning your next joint experiences, strengthening your bond even more.”

Dr. Brooke Keels, Ph.D., LPC-MHSP, LPC-Supervisor | Chief Clinical Officer at Lighthouse Recovery

Fun questions to ask your boyfriend include:

Do you believe in love at first sight?
If you had an entire free day to yourself, what would you do?
What was your favorite toy as a child?
What’s one superpower you’d love to have?
If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?
What is your favorite holiday tradition?
What always makes you laugh?
What was the best present that you ever received?
What is your silliest pet peeve?
If you could have a meal with anyone in the world, who would it be?
How would you describe yourself in just three words?
What has been the most memorable date you’ve been on with me?
What do you like best about our relationship?
What is your favorite part of my personality?

Serious Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

Serious questions are generally asked after two people commit to one another. However, many people will ask these questions during the initial dating process to avoid wasting time with incompatible partners. Serious questions hit on core values, and research shows that couples who share core values tend to be happier in the long run.⁴

What does love and commitment mean to you?

“This question delves into his understanding of love and the level of commitment he is willing to offer. Pay attention to whether his definition of love includes trust, support, and partnership. If his views on commitment align with yours, it suggests a mutual understanding of what a dedicated relationship entails. This question helps you gauge if you both have a similar approach to nurturing and sustaining a relationship.”

Marcus Smith, LCPC, LPC, LCADC | Executive Director at Alpas Wellness

Serious questions to ask your boyfriend include:

Where do you imagine yourself in 1, 5, & 10 years from now?
What do I do that makes you feel loved?
When do you feel disconnected from me?
How do you feel about our ability to navigate conflicts?
Do you see marriage in our future plans?
Do you want to have children?
Is owning a home important to you?
What are your future career goals?
What are your non-negotiable boundaries in our relationship?
What could I do that could result in your losing respect for me?
What does the role of religion and spirituality play in your life?
How financially compatible do you think we are?
Do you think we disagree on any core values?
Would you change anything about our relationship right now?

Am I still the same person I was when you first met me?

“This question explores how both individuals have grown or changed since the beginning of their relationship. By asking this question, I believe it can help both partners see if they have grown together or apart, and if they still align with each other’s values and goals. It’s good to look back and reflect on how far you’ve come as a couple, and if you’re still on the same page.”

Mary Lawrence, LCSW at Acera Health Mary Lawrence, LCSW | Clinical Director at Acera Health

Random Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

Random questions consist of questions that are silly, humorous, and relatively non-intrusive. They are fun to ask during the dating stage, but couples can ask them at any point. Sometimes they include would-you-rather questions or ‘favorite questions.’ Even though they may seem light, your boyfriend’s answers can help you better understand his preferences, values, and personality.

Random questions to ask your boyfriend include:

Do you have a hidden talent?
What’s the last dream you remember having?
If you won the lottery tomorrow, what would be the first thing you bought?
If you had to sing a song for karaoke, what would you choose?
What was the best meal you ever had?
What is your favorite comfort movie?
If you could be an expert at any skill, what would you pick?
Would you ever go on a reality TV show?
Would you rather speak to animals or be fluent in every language?
What’s your favorite game to play?
What is your favorite season during the year?
If you could get rid of one thing in the world, what would it be?
What do you hope gets invented in the future?
If you could have an unlimited supply of something, what would you choose?

If you could pick one song to describe our relationship, what would it be and why?

“This question is a fun and creative way to get your partner to express their feelings about your relationship. The song they choose can reveal how they view your relationship – is it a love ballad, an upbeat tune, or something completely unexpected? You never know, their answer may surprise you and lead to a deeper conversation about your relationship. Plus, it’s always nice to hear your partner’s thoughts and feelings about your connection in a unique way.”

Michelle Beaupre, Ph.D., LCSW at Villa Oasis Michelle Beaupre, Ph.D. LCSW | Clinical Director at Villa Oasis

Do I Need Therapy? 25 Signs & Benefits to Consider

We’ve all asked ourselves this question at some point in our life. Therapy provides a non-judgmental space to deal with stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship issues and more. Therapists can help you explore the issues troubling you, learn healthy and effective coping skills, and improve your quality of life.

Important Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

Important questions generally refer to questions that speak to significant topics or even deal breakers in a relationship. Knowing these answers can help you determine your relationship compatibility. For example, it may be impossible to compromise on major issues like marriage or having children. If you don’t know where your boyfriend stands on some of these questions, now may be a good time to ask.

What are your financial habits and views on money?

“It is important to have financial compatibility for a successful long-term relationship. What this means is that if one person likes spending while another prefers saving then there might be problems down the road. Additionally, sharing savings goals and understanding each other’s financial priorities can help avoid misunderstandings later on in life as well as build trust between couples.”

Michael Anderson, MA, LPC | Clinical Director at Healing Pines Recovery

Important questions to ask your boyfriend include:

What is your love language?
What do I do that makes you feel loved?
When do you feel disconnected from me?
How do you feel about our ability to navigate conflicts?
Do you see marriage in our future plans?
Do you want to have children?
Is owning a home important to you?
What are your future career goals?

Hard Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

A hard question is a question that can be difficult or uncomfortable to answer. It may also be a question that evokes your own worry, especially if you don’t like the answer. But relationships are hard work, so being able to ask hard questions is an important part of the process. It’s helpful to ask these questions if you’re trying to improve your relationship.

What is your biggest fear about our relationship, and how can we address it together?

“Understanding your partner’s fears can reveal hidden insecurities or even past experiences that could affect your relationship. Hence, when a boyfriend lets you in on what is bothering them, be all ears with no bias at all. Basically, this conversation helps to increase emotional bonding and create trust. In the same vein, his responses will serve as a foundation for an encouraging conversation concerning how both of you can handle such apprehensions which ultimately results to healthier and clearer relationships.”

Michael Anderson Heather Wilson LCSW, LCADC, CCTP | Executive Director at Epiphany Wellness

Hard questions to ask your boyfriend include:

Have you ever cheated on someone?
Do you struggle with any addictive tendencies?
How much do you trust me?
Have you ever doubted our relationship?
What fears do you have about our future?
Do you need to apologize to anyone?
Who would you like to forgive at some point?
What part of your past still bothers you today?
How do you think I fit into your family?
How well do you cope with difficult emotions?
What is your biggest fear in life?
Who do you feel doesn’t support or understand you?
What was the hardest thing you ever endured?
How do you reach out for support when you’re struggling?

How do you deal with stress and what do I need to do to support you when times are hard?

“It is very important to manage stress in any relationship and therefore, it can be greatly advantageous to know how your boyfriend handles pressure as well as how you can help him during difficult periods. This can avoid fights and make your relationship stronger by asking questions like this. The answers to these hard questions will enable you to see his coping mechanisms and requirements hence being a better partner during tough times. By supporting one another, they create a sense of stability, thereby building resilience which assists them to navigate through life’s vicissitudes more effectively.”

Lindsey Tong, LCSW | Clinical Director at Profound Treatment

Interesting Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

Interesting questions allow you to get to know someone’s personal interests, quirks, or desires better. They can also encourage your boyfriend to reflect on what he likes in the relationship. An interesting question can be defined as something that you’re generally curious about that isn’t overly serious in nature. These questions can be asked at any point in a relationship.

What is a dream or ambition that you had when you were young that you are yet to achieve?

“Interesting questions like this can actually expose hidden aspects of your partner’s character, past experiences, or inner thoughts. These types of inquiries promote openness and honesty which are extremely vital in developing a strong emotional bond. It will be clear how secure and trustful they feel in this association through their responses. Such revelations could help foster an environment where couples are more open with each other. Also these questions can reveal long unspoken dreams and yearnings your partner may still hold dear thus igniting conversations about their interests and future aspirations. This is the time to back each other up in their life’s ambitions and strengthen relationships knowing what makes the other person tick.”

Brittany Astrom, LMFT | Clinical Supervisor at OC Revive

Interesting questions to ask your boyfriend include:

If you could meet one person from the past, who would it be?
What is your favorite memory of us together?
What one thing on your bucket list do you hope to most achieve?
What’s one day from your past you would live all over again?
When do you feel the most creative?
If you had to give an hour-long presentation on a topic, what would you choose?
How do you want people to remember you most?
What makes you feel awe-inspired?
Would you rather see into your future or visit your past?
What hobby or interest do you hope to try at some point?
What small decision had a huge impact on your life?
What have I influenced you to do differently?
What law would you change in the world?
What comes up for you when you think about our first date together?

Romantic Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

Asking your boyfriend romantic questions can strengthen the emotional bond by delving into feelings, dreams, and shared experiences. Asking these questions can foster a deeper connection, enhance intimacy, and create cherished memories. To make it special, choose a cozy setting, listen attentively, and enjoy the heartfelt moments of discovering more about each other’s romantic sides.

“Romantic questions can build emotional intimacy in romantic relationships, and this type of intimacy is one of the best predictors of a successful relationship. Knowing these answers can help you assess if you’re a good match, and they can also solidify and enhance sharing about this intimate subject.”

Cody Rounds Cody Thomas Rounds, Clinical Psychologist-Master & Couples Therapist

Romantic questions to ask your boyfriend include:

What is your idea of a perfect date with me?
How do you feel when we hold hands or share a kiss in public?
What song reminds you of me and why?
What is your favorite memory of us together?
How do you envision our future together?
What makes you feel loved the most?
What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to tell me but never have?
How do you feel when we spend time apart?
What qualities in me do you love the most?
How do you express love and affection?
What do you think is the most romantic thing we’ve ever done together?
What kind of surprises do you like?
How do you feel when I compliment you?
What do you think makes our relationship special?

Spicy Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

Spicy questions are playful and intimate queries that can deepen your connection with your boyfriend. Asking these questions can reveal new information, enhance your bond, and keep the spark alive. To make it fun, choose a relaxed setting, be open-minded, and enjoy the process of discovering more about each other in a flirty and engaging way.

If you could choose one location for a steamy rendezvous, where would it be and what would we do?

“Exploring fantasies about spontaneous and adventurous encounters can reignite passion and excitement, strengthening the bond between partners and spicing up the relationship.”

Sophie Cress, LMFT, SexualAlpha

Spicy questions to ask your boyfriend include:

What’s a fantasy you’ve always wanted to try with me?
How do you feel about role-playing in our relationship?
What’s the most memorable moment we’ve shared in the bedroom?
Is there a particular outfit or look you find irresistible on me?
What’s something new you’d like us to explore together?
How do you feel about incorporating toys into our intimate time?
What’s your favorite way to be surprised during intimate moments?

What to Do With the Answers to These Questions

According to Jessica Hunt, LCSW, “Asking each other questions is ideally a lifelong practice that will help you stay connected and deepen understanding over years or decades. Having it be a regular part of the relationship as soon as possible only strengthens the health of the relationship.

After asking questions, take time to sit and reflect on them. If you have a knee-jerk reaction to any of the answers, you should sit and explore that response. It’s important to really take into consideration how your partner’s answers align with your own. And if they are being truly honest with yourself – what differences are an asset, a hindrance, or neutral with regard to the future of the relationship.”

In My Experience

Nicole Arzt, LMFT

“It’s so important for couples to truly understand each other’s needs, values, preferences, and goals. Asking meaningful questions at the beginning stage of dating can help you recognize if you’re dating someone compatible. But it can also strengthen intimacy and connection even if you’ve been with your partner for a long time.”

Sources Update History

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

How Can I Communicate Better? Loveisrespect.org. Retrieved from: https://www.loveisrespect.org/pdf/How_Can_I_Communicate_Better.pdf.
Defining Intimacy in Romantic Relationships (1993, January). JSTOR. Retrieved from: https://www.jstor.org/stable/584918.
What Playfulness Can Do for Your Relationship (2020, February). The Greater Good Science Center at the University of Berkeley. Retrieved from: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_playfulness_can_do_for_your_relationship.
Values in Romantic Relationships (2023, March). Sage Journals. Retrieved from: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/01461672231156975.

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

June 20, 2024
Author: Nicole Arzt, LMFT (No Change)
Medical Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD (No Change)
Primary Changes: Added new expert quotes from therapists. Added new infographics and Relationship Inventory Worksheet. Fact checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.

September 29, 2023
Author: Nicole Arzt, LMFT
Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD

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Additional Resources

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Marriage and couples therapy can be helpful and a worthwhile investment for couples who want to seek help with their relationship. Which online platform will work best for you will depend on what issues you want to work on, what your goals are for your relationship, the cost, and if it’s available in your state.

100+ Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend From Therapists