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12 Red Flags in a Relationship to Watch For

Published: December 6, 2022 Updated: January 25, 2023
Published: 12/06/2022 Updated: 01/25/2023
Jessie E Gonzalez LMFT
Written by:

Jessie Gonzalez

LMFT
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD
  • What Are Red Flags in a Relationship?What Are Red Flags?
  • Red Flags in a Relationship12 Red Flags
  • Yellow Flags vs. Red FlagsYellow Flags vs. Red Flags
  • What to Do When You Notice Red Flags in Your RelationshipWhat to Do About Them
  • When Can a Professional Help?When to Seek Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Red Flags in a Relationship InfographicsInfographics
Jessie E Gonzalez LMFT
Written by:

Jessie Gonzalez

LMFT
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD

While being in a healthy partnership is a wonderful experience, becoming aware of red flags in your relationship is important. These signs allow a person to determine if they are willing to continue in their relationship or terminate it. Although everyone’s perception and definition of these flags may vary, they are often hard to ignore and require addressing.

A therapist can help you determine if there are any red flags in your relationship. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

What Are Red Flags in a Relationship?

Red flags are warning signs that alert individuals of characteristics of a toxic partner or developing relationship, and mean that your partner might not be a good match for you. Being able to identify red flags early on in the relationship is very important, as it creates a safe relationship where both parties can trust one another and grow. At times, they may be hard to identify and it might be helpful to ask for support or feedback from others for validation.

12 Red Flags in a Relationship

Red flags are useful, as they alert an individual of issues that need to be addressed, corrected, and repaired in order to continue in a relationship. They may hint at how a partner might treat their significant other in a relationship or how they relate to others outside of the relationship. Red flags are typically exhibited within a person’s personality or characteristics. However, this does not mean a relationship can’t be changed–if both partners are willing to work on these issues together, it is possible!

Below are 12 red flags to look for in a relationship:

1. Jealousy

Some jealousy in a relationship is common, but when an individual is excessively so, it can be harmful to the relationship. Someone may feel that jealousy indicates that their partner cares about the relationship. While this can be true to an extent, how the partner handles or exhibits their jealousy may not be healthy.

2. Refusal to Compromise

Being in a relationship means that both parties will need to make compromises. This becomes hard if one partner is not willing to do so, but expects the other to. Having a stubborn partner can create resentment and other negative emotions that can affect the relationship.

3. Lack of Communication

In a relationship, it is important to communicate about everything. It can be hard, and even detrimental, to be in a partnership where individuals shut down during hard conversations. Being able to have tough conversations in a relationship is what supports growth.

4. Controlling Behaviors

Controlling behaviors can be a big red flag in a relationship. These may include individuals telling their partner what to wear, who to be friends with, what to eat, or how to act in certain situations. This is not healthy for either partner. To be clear, this is very different from providing feedback or suggestions.

5. Lying

Trust in a relationship is critical. Persistent lying is a big red flag that can create a lot of stress, as it hurts the individual(s) who is being lied to. Lying also fosters distrust, hindering the growth of the relationship itself.

6. Excessive Criticism

Another clear red flag in a relationship is when a partner uses put downs as a means to keep a person’s self-esteem and self-worth low. Excessive criticism in a relationship does not have a place at all.

7. Codependency

Having a partner who you can rely on, enjoy spending time with, and just have lots of fun with is an amazing thing to have and feel. Codependency is different from this, in the way that each individual is able to coexist individually as well. Being able to have their own spaces when needed is crucial in a relationship.

8. Lack of Support

Having a partner who supports your dreams is important to have in a relationship. This support needs to be reciprocated in the relationship, meaning that it can’t just be one partner’s dream that both individuals work towards, unless both have the same dream.

9. Abuse

Abuse can be emotional, physical, or psychological, and it further exacerbates stress, distrust, and unhappiness within a relationship. Having an abusive partner can be hard to manage–seeking support and setting clear boundaries is essential when addressing this red flag.

10. Unable to Be Flexible

A relationship requires a lot of flexibility from partners in order to meet each other’s needs, communicate, and understand one another. It is a red flag if someone can’t be flexible with you regarding these important matters.

11. Not Respecting Boundaries

Every individual should have boundaries that they establish within a relationship, and having a partner who can respect them is essential. Be aware if your partner continually overlooks or disregards your boundaries, as this is a red flag.

12. Substance Use or Abuse

A partner who engages in substance use or abuse can be challenging and hint at problems within a relationship. If an individual is using substances it can affect their judgment and decision making skills, among others. In turn, this can affect the relationship as a whole in the long run.

Would better communication improve your relationship?

Free Couples Relationship Course – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started


Relationship Guidance (partner participation optional) – You can improve communication and strengthen your relationship! Ritual offers video sessions led by a relationship expert, and short online activities. 14-day money-back guarantee. Start now


Individual Therapy – Struggling to connect with your partner? Talk about it with a licensed couples counselor. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Visit BetterHelp

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by OurRelationship, Ritual, and BetterHelp.

Yellow Flags vs. Red Flags

Yellow flags can be viewed as things that pose the potential of being red flags in the future, but can typically be resolved. When addressing yellow flags, you must be clear of why they are causing you distress. Is it the intent of your partner’s actions or the situation that is bothering you? How often do these issues occur? Keeping an eye on any yellow flags allows partners to communicate with one another about how to avoid them becoming major problems in the future.

Examples of yellow flags in relationships include:

  • Your partner still spends time with their ex
  • A partner doesn’t share their feelings often
  • A partner isn’t open to feedback
  • Your partner doesn’t have experience being in committed relationships

What to Do When You Notice Red Flags in Your Relationship

You may notice red flags throughout the span of your relationship, so you should be clear about what you will and will not tolerate moving forward. Sometimes, people are very clear that certain signs are a deal breaker for them. If red flags arise later in a relationship, such as after a marriage or birth of children, the couple should discuss whether these issues can be resolved. Very importantly, if the red flag creates a safety concern at any point, it is crucial to create an effective safety plan.

Some ways to handle red flags in relationships include:

  • Address it right away: It is important that any red flags are discussed immediately. Doing this ensures that they don’t escalate to bigger issues down the line.
  • Be reflective: Being able to step back and observe how the red flags make you feel will help you understand how to address them. This can be hard, but it can provide insight that can help in future relationships.
  • Communicate openly and honestly: Healthy communication with your partner is very important in a relationship. Being able to address issues as they arise is what supports growth.
  • Spend time with loved ones: Having a support system is beneficial when addressing red flags in your relationship. Loved ones provide an opportunity for you to vent, request feedback, receive clarity, or simply not think about your relationship.
  • Practice self-care: Self-care is essential when processing relationship challenges, such as red flags. This may include physical activities, asking for support from others, resting, relaxing, or participating in enjoyable activities that rejuvenate you.

When Can a Professional Help?

At times, addressing red flags on your own can be harder than expected– in this case, seeking professional support can help. The earlier this support is attained, the higher the chance there is for couples to figure out how to move forward. You can find the right therapist who offers both in-person and telehealth services via online directories.

Some therapeutic methods for addressing red flags in a relationship include:

  • Couples counseling: Marriage and couple’s therapy can offer support when discussing red flags, as it teaches couples to work through issues and rebuild trust in the relationship.
  • Individual therapy: Individual psychotherapy can provide the space for an individual to express their own feelings regarding red flags and learn how to manage them. Further, it offers professional insight that you may not otherwise get.
  • Online therapy options: Online therapy can be helpful when individuals or partners are busy or have alternative schedules. There are times when a couple has separated, so having telehealth offers a place to work on a relationship without being in the same location.

Final Thoughts

Red flags alert individuals that there are characteristics and patterns present in their partner that may be unhealthy for the relationship. They may even help identify a toxic partner, if you’re unsure. Every individual’s idea of red flags is different, and so being clear of where you stand regarding them is necessary. In a relationship, you should be able to discuss an issue that arises openly and honestly in order to move forward.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Relationships aren’t easy – a licensed therapist can help. Live sessions can be done via phone, video, or live-chat. Plus, you can message your therapist whenever you want. Visit BetterHelp

Online-Therapy.com (Online Couples Therapy) – Do you and your partner want to work together to have less arguments and better communication? Are there children involved and being caught in the crossfire? Do you love each other but are having a rough time operating as one unit? Couples therapy can help. Get Started

Ritual (Relationship Guidance) – Ritual provides guidance to individuals working to improve their relationship, or couples working jointly. Ritual combines video sessions led by a relationship expert, with short online activities. 14-day money-back guarantee. Try Ritual

OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started

Sesh (Online Support Group) – Would attending an interactive webinar on “Pressing The Brakes On Gaslighting”, “Letting Go The Anger Towards Loved Ones”, or “Creating Healthy Relationships” be helpful? Sesh offers over 100 sessions per month! Free One Month Trial

Mindfulness.com (App) – During a disagreement, controlling one’s anger can be difficult, particularly if your partner starts yelling. Mindfulness can prevent one from saying and doing things that lead to regret. Free 7-Day Trial

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, Ritual, OurRelationship, Sesh, and Mindfulness.com

For Further Reading

  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health
  • MentalHealth.gov

Red Flags in a Relationship Infographics

Red Flags in a Relationship   What to Do When You Notice Red Flags in Your Relationship   When Can a Professional Help?

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Jessie E Gonzalez LMFT
Written by:

Jessie Gonzalez

LMFT
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD
  • What Are Red Flags in a Relationship?What Are Red Flags?
  • Red Flags in a Relationship12 Red Flags
  • Yellow Flags vs. Red FlagsYellow Flags vs. Red Flags
  • What to Do When You Notice Red Flags in Your RelationshipWhat to Do About Them
  • When Can a Professional Help?When to Seek Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Red Flags in a Relationship InfographicsInfographics
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