In his groundbreaking book, The Five Languages of Love, Gary Chapman describes five different types of love languages: words of affirmation, gift giving, quality time, physical touch, and gifts. Love languages are just one of many ways couples can feel loved and appreciated by their partner.1Knowing your partner’s love language makes each person feel more connected to one another, loved, and appreciated.
What Are the 5 Love Languages?
People express and show their love for their partners in different ways. The five love languages connect partners with each other through words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
By knowing and understanding both your and your partner’s love languages, you discover ways that make each of you feel connected, seen, and heard. Although most of us can relate to many of these languages, one typically resonates with each of us the most.
The goal is for people to understand their partner’s love language and do things that fill their tank. Too often, partners give love the way they want to receive it themselves, missing an opportunity to stay attuned to their partner’s needs. Switching to a partner-focused perspective encourages connection and intimacy.
The five different love languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation
People who prefer words of affirmation like the acknowledgment of affection, words of appreciation, compliments, and encouragement. They like to receive texts with affectionate sayings and hear spoken expressions of affection.
Some examples of words of affirmation include:
- Leaving notes with positive affirmations or praise
- Verbally reassuring the other person or giving them a compliment
- Sending supportive or affectionate text messages
- Thanking your partner for something using meaningful gestures
2. Gift Giving
People who prefer gift giving feel loved when their partner gives them visual displays of love. A thoughtful gift, regardless of cost, is symbolic of their partner’s love and devotion.
With gift giving, the time and energy put into getting and giving the gift is also valuable. It’s not just something random they pick up because of a birthday or holiday. The gift reflects their values and what is important to them.
Some examples of gift giving include:
- Giving a bracelet that symbolizes the birth of a child
- A special gift for your birthday
- Buying a specialty food from where you were born
- Buying a gift for an achievement – graduation, new job, etc.
3. Acts of Service
People who prefer acts of service enjoy having their partner go out of their way to do something for them. They believe that actions speak louder than words, especially when their partner does things for them without being asked. For these individuals, both small and larger gestures are meaningful.
Common examples of acts of service include:
- Doing your partner’s laundry or picking up their dry cleaning
- Cleaning up after your partner when they are tired
- Taking care of a chore around the house without being asked
- Making your coffee in the morning
4. Quality Time
People who prefer quality time feel loved when spending time with their partner, especially with shared activities. They feel like a priority to their partner when they are present and engaged in conversation. They prefer receiving undivided attention without the distraction of a phone, TV, computer, or social media.
Some examples of quality time include:
- Going to the park together
- Spending time at a favorite place
- Having and/or planning a date night
- Spending time doing something that both people enjoy
5. Physical Touch
Physical touch is not just about doing something sexual with each other. People who like physical touch feel loved when they receive physical signs of affection, such as hugs, kissing, and cuddling on the couch while watching TV. Physical intimacy is an important aspect of physical touch. They value warmth, connection, togetherness, and feelings of physical closeness.
Some examples of physical touch include:
- Giving your partner a hug
- Cuddling when watching TV
- Holding your partner’s hand in public
- Making physical intimacy a priority – having and initiating sex, kissing
How to Find Your Love Language
The easiest way to figure out your love language is to take a test or quiz. Couples can also get the book and read it together. They can ask one another questions that often create deeper and more meaningful conversations. It can be a fun way to get to know one another.
Although many couples have different love languages, these don’t matter as long as each person knows their partner’s love language and shows up in ways that help each person feel seen, heard, and understood. With each love language, there are questions you can ask of one another to gain a deeper understanding of not just what their love language is but how they need their partner to show up for them.
Here are some questions to help you identify your and your partner’s love languages.
Words of Affirmation
People whose love language is words of affirmation love to hear words of appreciation and compliments that make them feel good and loved. Words are everything for this person and can be written or spoken.
Verbal expression of support can offer much-needed affirmation. And taking the time to do so can make partners feel valued, satisfied, and happier.
Giving these words of affirmation can include comments like:
- I am thankful when you do.
- I couldn’t do this without you.
- I love your new outfit. It looks great on you!
- I am really proud of you.
And by using words of affirmation, they are doing things that help strengthen the relationship between you and your partner.
Common questions to determine if quality time might be your love language include:
- Do you feel particularly special and appreciated when your partner verbally praises you?
- Is hearing “I love you” more meaningful than being in the same space as your partner?
- What is one of the most important things that your partner can say to you?
- Is it important that they tell you every day they love you?
Gift Giving
The person who prefers gift giving feels loved when they receive something tangible. It could be something small like a favorite snack to a bigger item like jewelry. It’s the thought behind the gift that is most important to them.
The gift giver thinks, “When I saw this, I thought of you, and I knew how much you would like it.” They recognize it’s not just about the tangible gift they are giving, but also the thought behind the gift.
Common questions to determine if quality time might be your love language include:
- Do you feel particularly special when your partner gets you flowers?
- Would you prefer it if your partner surprised you with a gift (books, clothes, jewelry), or with a date?
- What is one gift that is most important to receive?
- How important are gifts on special occasions?
Acts of Service
A person who prefers acts of service feels loved when their partner does a specific activity for them without always being asked. The person on the receiving end appreciates when their needs are tended to through actions. These could include cleaning the house while their partner is away, picking up their laundry, or getting the car ready for a trip. All of these things bear significance.
The giver knows what types of services are most important to their partner. They are attuned to them emotionally and recognize if their partner has had a long day. The giving person thinks about what they can do for their partner to help them feel less stressed and relaxed.
Common questions to determine if quality time might be your love language include:
- Do you feel particularly loved when your partner helps you with concrete tasks, such as getting groceries?
- Would you rather hear “I love you” from your partner, or have them surprise you with a clean house after a trip away?
- What makes you feel most overwhelmed that your partner can help you with?
- What would be a couple of acts of service that are important to you?
Quality Time
Quality time is defined differently by people, but it typically means togetherness. It’s about expressing love and affection for their partner with undivided attention. The person who prefers this love language loves to spend quality time together while receiving undivided attention. Their partner is not checking their phone or getting distracted. This full focus makes the person feel loved and valued.
The person providing quality time ensures that there are no distractions and sets healthy boundaries around spending time together. They also communicate when they can provide undivided attention and when they cannot.
Common questions to determine if quality time might be your love language include:
- Do you feel especially important to your partner when they make a point to spend uninterrupted time and focus with you?
- Do you feel it’s important to spend time together with your partner often?
- Do you like it when your partner makes plans to do something together?
- Do you feel disconnected if you don’t spend time together every day?
Physical Touch
The person who prefers physical touch values physical intimacy, which includes having sex and receiving other kinds of touch. Physical touch can mean holding hands, hugging, or any type of physical attention that provides them with a deeper intimate connection with their partner.
When a partner provides physical touch, they recognize that physical connection is how they feel more connected. They can provide a deep feeling of love without saying anything. This also increases the emotional intimacy for both people in the relationship.
Common questions to determine if quality time might be your love language include:
- Do you feel more loved when your partner gives you a tight hug, or when your partner says, “I love you”?
- Do you find it meaningful when your partner holds your hand or puts their arm around you in public?
- Do you feel loved when your partner makes the effort to have sexual and physical intimacy?
- Do you prefer your partner to give you a massage when you are feeling stressed?
Love Languages in Everyday Life
Love languages are not limited to just romantic relationships and can also be used in family relationships and friendships. Again, by identifying which love language resonates the most with each person, they can communicate that to friends and family members.
People can use the same test to figure out how each family prefers to receive love. Each family member should pay attention to one another and how they react to receiving love. Instead of assuming that everyone wants to receive love in the same way. People naturally gravitate towards the person that gives the type of love they want to receive, feeling more understood.
Friendships work in similar ways. By simply discussing what the relationship means to both of you and how you both can show up for one another, you can help each friendship grow, create greater intimacy, and feel more understood.
Benefits of the Different Love Languages
There are several benefits to learning and using the five love languages to improve your relationship from greater awareness and understanding, a deeper connection, and increased empathy and intimacy. And love languages can be used as a generally expansive tool, rather than restrictive to better understand ourselves and our partners.
Research indicates that relationship satisfaction for heterosexual couples is linked to whether or not their partner recognizes and uses their preferred love language. And that partners who used their preferred love language indicated higher love of relationship and sexual satisfaction. 2
Some benefits of learning about the five love languages include:
- Increased empathy: Empathy is the ability to understand and share the emotional experiences of others. By understanding your partners, it provides the opportunity to gain more clarity and empathy for what is important to them – rather than coming from what is important to you and is a key component of effective communication 3
- Easily understood: The five love languages are known and understood by most people and easy to read about and implement. It encourages conversation to take place and talk with one another. Because most people know about them, it doesn’t need a lot of in-depth understanding and creates a deeper understanding of your partner. It helps create empathy between partners.
- Increased intimacy: They provide an accessible way for partners to speak the same language about their relationship, which opens the door to greater communication, intimacy, and sexuality. They feel closer to one another. They can express their emotions which also enhances intimacy.
- Deeper connection; There are many ways to connect with our partner but using the love languages is one way that both people understand and allows each person to provide the things they need to affirm the relationship. Taking the steps to understand and use the love language says to your partner, ‘you get me.’ ‘I feel seen by you.’
- Improved communication: It shows the importance of good communication – both verbal and nonverbal, and how each person can communicate to one another about what resonates with them. It also helps improve your interpersonal communication skills.
- Improved relationship satisfaction: Research has indicated that the love languages may predict relationship satisfaction – meaning that partners who are able to adapt their behaviors to meet their partner’s needs, can also experience deeper self-development. 4
- Increased curiosity: One way to remain curious about your partner and deeper understanding is to ask questions about their love language and why their love language is important to them. The conversation should also include some examples that make them feel you understand them.
Criticisms of the Five Love Languages
Although the five love languages are used by many people to positively connect with their partner and show love and affection, there have been criticisms for several reasons from being misused to being too heteronormative.
Some criticisms of the theory of five languages include:
Love Languages Can Be Misused
When issues related to love languages go unaddressed, the relationship can suffer. If these problems can be properly identified, using their partner’s love language more frequently can help.
However, couples sometimes use love language behaviors as a quick fix to cover up larger problems in the relationship. They may help couples understand their partner better and differently, but love language does not repair dysfunction.
Love Languages Are Not the Only Ways to Show Love
There are many ways that couples can enhance their relationship. The five love languages shouldn’t be used as the only tool to address conflict or unresolved problems. Couples benefit from recognizing that their love language is only one of many ways to show deeper appreciation for and attune to their partner, communicate better, and give love
Love Languages Are Heteronormative
The five love languages were written for the Christian, traditional, monogamous, and heteronormative population. It was written by a Christian minister with no scientific evidence to support the love languages. They may exclude other identities and relationship dynamics such as LGBTQIA+ individuals.
Love Languages Can Change
It is not uncommon for love languages to change over time. For example, someone can prefer words of affirmation when they are struggling with self-esteem or a need to hear these things as a person.
However, as people change, sometimes their love language does too, and they may find they prefer acts of service. The most important thing is to have ongoing communication with your partner if your love language has changed so that you don’t get irritated with them if they use an old love language.
Love Languages Can Be Used to Keep Score
One of the most destructive things couples can do is keep score. Doing this undermines the trust in the relationship, and over time, it creates greater resentment. Using the five love languages, couples who tend to keep score will use the love languages in the same way – stating ‘who does more’ and in what ways.
Final Thoughts
If you and your partner still struggle with your relationship, talk to them about finding a therapist and going to couples counseling together. A professional therapist can help you and your partner understand the deeper problems causing distress in your relationship and find a way forward.
Relationships thrive when partners take the time to understand their partner more deeply so they can both express and receive love that resonates with them. This reinforces the strength of the relationship and creates greater satisfaction. The five love languages are just one way to do that.
For Further Reading
What Are the 5 Love Languages Infographics
