Reassurance in Relationships: Examples, How to Get It, & How to Give It

What Is Reassurance in Relationships?

Though reassurance in a relationship is not necessary for survival, you can view it as an investment in the relationship. Such reassurance serves maintenance functions: it can help build intimacy, foster a culture of appreciation, ease a partner’s anxiety, or even prevent conflict.

The occurrence of and need for reassurance in relationships is not limited to romance. Reassurance serves similar purposes in platonic relationships, especially when conflict or distance threatens a relational bond between friends and family members.

Is it Normal to Need Reassurance?

Occasional reassurance is normal in both romantic and platonic relationships. Environmental stressors – such as unexpected tragedies and phase of life adjustments – can trigger depression and anxiety symptoms that can cause one to question their relationships or require more support from another. Conflicts or breaches of trust can also cause one to feel the need for and seek reassurance.

However, a need for reassurance that becomes frequent or constant may be a sign of a bigger problem. A partner who regularly asks the other to repeat or expand upon their feelings about them or the relationship may be suffering from anxiety, such as that which can occur as symptoms of chronic depression, anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress, or personality disorders.

Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Reassurance in Relationships

The occasional need for and receipt of reassurance signifies a healthy relationship. The exchange of affirmations between partners about their feelings for each other and the status of their relationship can serve as a source of security for the relationship, especially for those who appreciate such affirmations. Reassurance in relationships becomes unhealthy when the need and requests for reassurance become persistent or excessive.

The Cycle of Reassurance Seeking

Seeking reassurance can be described as a tension and release cycle. Tension, experienced by a partner as anxiety, begins after that partner receives reassurance. As time passes since this reassurance is received, anxiety increases until the partner experiencing the anxiety seeks relief by pursuing reassurance from the other partner. Once this reassurance is received, anxiety is immediately relieved, but only temporarily, and the cycle begins to repeat itself.

Examples of Reassurance in Relationships

The frequency of reassurance is one thing, but the nature of a request for reassurance is another. The differences between a healthy and an unhealthy request for reassurance are subtle.

Examples of healthy reassurance in a relationship include:

• Complimenting: when one partner offers the other unsolicited compliments about their physical appearance, personality traits, professional abilities or otherwise, it can be a way for the other partner to feel reassured in the relationship and invites them to respond with reassurances for the complimenting partner.
• Sharing fondness and admiration: this delves deeper than complimenting in that it includes comments about specific aspects of a partner that the other particularly enjoys. Partners are reassured of the other’s feelings when they hear such comments as “I was so proud of you when I saw you consoling our daughter last night” or “I have always appreciated your dry sense of humor.”¹
• Writing a love note: written expressions of appreciation can be a healthy form of reassurance. When a partner receives a Valentine’s Day card or a random note from the other, they can re-experience the reassurance as many times as they wish by simply referring to the written record.
• Expressions of respect to others: interactions with others outside of relationships present opportunities for partners to provide and receive healthy forms of reassurance. Conversations with friends, family and professionals allow partners to talk about – and witness each other talk about – what they appreciate about each other and the relationship to others.
• Gifts: partners may express and remind each other of their affectionate feelings by presenting each other with gifts, either because there is an expectation (such as Christmas or birthday) or as a surprise. Gifts can be as simple as the purchase of a partner’s favorite treat at a local grocery store. Gary Chapman describes the exchanging of gifts as a “Love Language,” or a healthy form of reassurance.²
• “Acts of Service”: another of Chapman’s “Love Languages,” this healthy form of reassurance involves performing a task for a partner’s benefit, or the benefit of the couple’s household, without prompting. Examples of such tasks are volunteering to wash the partner’s dishes, file a partner’s taxes or repair broken items.²

Examples of unhealthy reassurance in relationships include:

• Constantly asking if a partner is upset: when a partner asks the other if they are angry or disappointed, it can be helpful to clarify issues in the relationship and initiate a conversation to manage conflict. However, when these questions are asked excessively to gain reassurance, it can create an unhealthy dependence on such reassurance that erodes trust and affection.
• Frequently asking what a partner finds physically attractive about the other: this can appear as though the partner is “fishing for compliments” and insecure about their body image. Relying on reassurance in the form of compliments about physical attractiveness presents the risk of a partner attaching their sense of identity, self-confidence, and value to their partner’s approval.
• “Testing” a partner’s interest: this unhealthy form of reassurance involves one partner manufacturing a conflict or asking a seemingly open-ended question to determine whether their partner will produce a desired response. “Testing” can be considered manipulative behavior, which undermines trust in the relationship.
• Asking mutual acquaintances what one partner has said about the other: Gottman’s research warns couples to “turn toward instead of away” from each other during conflicts. Seeking reassurance from a partner’s friends or family members or attempting to gauge the partner’s feelings about the relationship increases the risk of a conflict.¹
• Threatening to terminate the relationship: when a couple experiences an emotional exchange during the conflict, sometimes partners make dramatic statements to express their intense feelings. When a partner informs the other that they are considering breaking up over the conflict, sometimes this can serve the purpose of a desperate attempt to seek reassurance from the other partner.
• Complimenting to prompt compliments: compliments can be most meaningful when unsolicited and can be genuine relationship reassurance. However, if a partner compliments and expects something in return, it can be unhealthy in that resentment can occur if they don’t receive the desired response, leading to the receiver of the compliment becoming suspicious.

Why Do I Need Constant Reassurance in Relationships?

We all crave a sense of security and assurance. However, some individuals are in a perpetual quest for constant reassurance within their relationships. Whether you possess an anxious attachment style, have experienced past betrayals, struggle with self-confidence, question your compatibility with your partner, or carry the weight of past traumas, understanding the root causes can shed light on your longing for ongoing reassurance.

Additionally, a history of mistrust in personal and professional relationships can factor in your constant need for validation.

Here are several reasons people may need constant reassurance in relationships:

• You have an anxious attachment style: unlike avoidant and secure attachment styles, the anxious attachment style is a high-stress relationship dynamic driven by an intense fear that the relationship will end. If you experience this fear, you may seek reassurance because you are anxiously attached to your partner.
• You’ve been cheated on before: if you’ve been cheated on in the past, you’ve experienced a trauma that will produce trauma-like responses when you encounter conditions that remind you of cheating. If you find you need reassurance from your partner when they go out with friends, spend time on their phone, or while they are at work, it may be a trauma response from past cheating.
• You’re not confident in yourself: a lack of self-confidence causes us to doubt others when they say they care for us. If reassurance is something you realize you need to not only feel good about the relationship but also yourself, you may be relying on reassurance to ease your negative or critical thoughts about yourself.
• You’re not with the right person: it’s natural to doubt the stability or future of your relationship when your needs are not met. Ask yourself: is my partner a good match at this point? If not, it may explain why you have looked to your partner to help you feel reassured instead of experiencing the security of the relationship yourself.
• You’re suffering from traumatic impacts: if you have suffered trauma at any time in your life – such as from being a victim of sexual abuse or domestic violence – this may explain why you need constant reassurance. You may perceive serious risks in relationships that your partner may not understand, which could make you feel insecure or even fearful on a regular basis. Seeking reassurance might be how you’ve been attempting to seek relief from this fear.
• You have a hard time trusting people: do you have a history of experiencing major problems in relationships? Do personal and professional relationships tend to end badly for you? If so, it’s natural to expect this pattern to continue. Relationships are based on trust, so if you find that your trust is lacking, it may be the root cause of your tendency to seek reassurance.

Six Ways to Stop Excessively Seeking Reassurance

The anxiety that fuels seeking reassurance from your partner can be intense, but taking responsibility for controlling these urges is important. In some cases, it could be the only way to save your relationship. Refusing to give in to these urges can be very difficult, but it can be done, provided you employ strategies that work. Below are great places to start.

Here are six ways to stop excessively seeking reassurance:

1. Mindful breathing: when you experience the need to seek reassurance from your partner, your thoughts might be racing. You can slow down your thinking with mindful breathing techniques and divert your attention from the racing thoughts to your breath. This exercise helps you stay tuned in to the present moment and helps you calm down.
2.  Journal: writing an objective description of your thoughts and feelings is another effective way to prevent yourself from seeking reassurance from your partner. Keep a journal and write about your experiences needing reassurance. You may find that after you have finished reading what you wrote, your need for reassurance will not be as intense, or has receded completely
3.  “Surf” the urges: “urge surfing” combines visualization and scripting to change how you perceive, feel and cope with urges to engage in unwanted behaviors. When you experience a need to seek reassurance from your partner, consider reviewing the Urge Surfing script. It will help your ability to allow the urge to pass without taking action.³
4.  “Leaves on a stream”: this classic mindfulness exercise can be a powerful visualization tool to help soothe the anxiety that can come with feeling like you need reassurance from your partner. Next time you feel a need for reassurance, try the “Leaves On A Stream” mindfulness exercise to learn how to let go of your intrusive thoughts.⁴
5. Pump yourself up: as stated above, insecurity and a lack of self-confidence can fuel a need for constant reassurance in relationships. Instead of relying on your partner for this reassurance, become better at supplying it yourself by being your own “biggest cheerleader.” Write yourself love notes, place sticky notes with positive affirmations around your home and describe what you like about yourself as you look in the mirror.
6. “Sleep on it”: this classic strategy to delay decision-making may save you from reaching out to your partner to ask for reassurance. Often, we can go to bed anxious about something and wake up with a different perspective on the trigger. When you feel the urge to seek reassurance, commit to refrain from making a decision to take action until the next morning.

How to Give Healthy Reassurance in Relationships

It’s important to learn and practice offering your partner healthy forms of reassurance about your feelings about them and the relationship. In the worst of times, such as during conflicts or when your relationship is contending with many outside stressors, this reassurance can go a long way to ease your partner’s anxiety. In the best of times, this reassurance can be an important investment in your relationship’s health long-term.

Ways to give healthy reassurance in a relationship include:

• Sharing “fondness and admiration”: Marriage experts John and Julie Gottman have found that sharing what you specifically like about your partner’s personality and behavior are key signs of relationship health. Among many other positive functions, these messages can serve as meaningful reassurance for your partner.⁵
• Giving random hugs: surprising your partner with a hug can go a long way. When you and your partner are in a conflict, this kind of gesture – if timed appropriately – can provide much-needed reassurance by sending the message that you still care for your partner, even in the heat of battle.
• Sending affectionate texts: another strategy for offering reassurance that works even better during conflicts is the surprise affectionate text to your partner. Long messages can prove that you took time to reassure your partner, but don’t overlook the power of a brief message. These messages can help your partner feel connected to you, even at great physical distances
• Flirting: speaking or writing reassurance to your partner is one thing, but helping them feel reassurance is another. Being playful with your partner through flirting can be a healthy way for your partner to experience your affection for them and remind them – through seeing and feeling – that you care, are interested in and are excited about them
• Talking up your partner to others: describing what you respect or what you find compelling about your partner to others, especially in your partner’s presence, can be another healthy way for your partner to experience a feeling of reassurance about your feelings about them and the relationship
• Being sincere during holidays: it’s common for partners to present to each other cards during birthdays and anniversaries and write brief notes in them, but don’t waste this opportunity with notes that are generic. Take time to be specific and direct about your feelings for your partner and what you have appreciated about them since your last card. These notes are a different form of expression that can provide meaningful and healthy reassurance.

When to Seek Professional Support

If implementing the above strategies proves difficult, a licensed mental health counselor can help you explore, understand and overcome obstacles to your implementation. They can also help identify whether or to what degree past attachment trauma is informing your tendency to rely on unhealthy forms of reassurance. You can start your search for the best fit for your treatment needs by using this online therapist directory or another therapy platform.

In My Experience

Reassurance in relationships is like eating sweets: it can feel good and add value to your experience if you indulge in it infrequently, but you don’t need it for survival. If you overindulge in it, it can lead to problems and even threaten your survival. Those who have developed a habit of overindulging in – or worse, relying on – reassurance in relationships should seek help from a licensed therapist so that they can explore the factors driving this behavior, learn ways of providing their own reassurance or determine if their current partner is a suitable candidate to meet their needs. Individual counseling treatment can be most effective in achieving the above goals if the client possesses enough comfort in confronting insecurities, past trauma, can challenge themselves and be open to being challenged by their therapist.

To those who wish to get help from a therapist to address their pattern of seeking relationship reassurance in unhealthy ways, I recommend remaining patient with the treatment process and prepare yourself for tolerating emotional discomfort; if you want to replace your unhealthy patterns of seeking reassurance in your relationship, you will need to get better at dealing with the discomfort that you will inevitably experience when you wean yourself off of relying on your partner for reassurance.