Emotional attachment is a normal part of development. You are driven to connect to those that provide a sense of protection, comfort, and validation. Attachment can become toxic if you rely too much on others to satisfy emotional needs. The goal of healthy emotional attachment is finding a balance between getting your emotional needs met by yourself and by others.
What Is Emotional Attachment?
Emotional Attachment is the emotional connection you receive from being attached. We are attached to people, pets, relationships, places, objects, and even dates because of the bond it provides. This bond can be with another person such as a relationship, a particular place such as a childhood home, a date such as an anniversary, or an object such as a blanket.
The emotions you receive from emotional attachment are a sense of safety, protection, sense of belonging, comfort, reliability, and positivity. Emotional attachment is a healthy part of development. However, it can become unhealthy. If you are not able to emotionally attach you can become anxious, distant, rigid, and worried about your ability to be loved or connected.
Studies show that poor attachment can lead to vulnerability to develop disorders such as:1
Like with anything in life there is a need for a balance. Being overly emotionally attached and having no emotional attachment are both detrimental to your mental wellness. The key is to find stability in learning your emotional needs and finding healthy ways to have these needs met.
Types of Emotional Attachment
Attachment types are typically separated into four categories. One is preferred, and the others contribute to some form of relationship concerns.
Types of emotional attachment include:
- Secure attachment: Secure attachment allows a person to feel comfortable, safe, and stable in a healthy relationship.
- Anxious attachment: Anxious attachments lead to problems with trust and worry as people react with a strong need for emotional reassurance.
- Avoidant attachment: With avoidant attachment, a person may have few relationships as too much of a bother or have numerous relationships without any real commitment.
- Disorganized attachment: Born from trauma and abuse, the disorganized attachment style is marked by inconsistency and unpredictability.
Emotional Attachment vs Love
Emotional Attachment may seem like love, but there is a difference. The biggest difference that many experts have identified is that love is selfless and emotional attachment is selfish. Selfish is not necessarily bad, but it is stating that you are in the relationship to get your innate needs met. Love is not derived from a needs base agenda but from the desire to prioritize another person’s wellbeing.
A good example that can help you understand the difference is the relationship between a parent and a child. Assuming that the parent comes from a foundation of healthy attachment themselves. A parent does not expect their attachment to their child to provide any needs such as protection, security, or safety. However, their love for the child purely comes from a place of wanting the best for that child’s well-being.
Yes, you need a healthy emotional attachment to have love, but emotional attachment does not mean you are in love. Again, emotional attachment is needs-based, and we seek to be with others to get our specific needs met. When you can understand emotional attachment based on this definition you can determine if the relationships you are in are based on love, emotional attachment, or both.
If you are purely in a relationship for emotional attachment the relationship may feel stagnant, fearful, or fragile, which can easily make the relationship toxic or destructive. This happens because you become dependent on that person. This creates room for you to subject yourself to treatment or behavior that can be counterproductive to your personal growth.
When Does Being Emotionally Attached Become Unhealthy?
There is a thin line between healthy emotional attachment and unhealthy emotional attachment. We all have the need to emotionally connect and bond with others. However, it is when these needs direct us to abandon our self-worth, peace, and freedom of choice that this connection can become unhealthy.
Some signs of unhealthy emotional attachment might include:
Measuring Self-Esteem Based on Relationships
Unhealthy emotional attachment occurs when you solely rely on a relationship to define your worth, value, and lovability. If you find yourself more depressed and self-critical after ending a relationship, then you may have attributed your self-esteem to being connected with that person. This of course is detrimental because you are giving your personal power away.
Levine and Heller emphasized that “Our partnerships help us thrive in the world. They influence how we feel about ourselves, how we believe in ourselves, and what we can achieve.”2
However, if you experience an unhealthy emotional attachment, this connection can lead to self-critical talk, depression, or anxiety about your ability to love yourself.
You Rely on Your Partner’s Approval
Of course, caring about the way others perceive you is essential, but if you lose your perspective, the attachment will become unhealthy. The best relationships balance the way you see yourself with the way others see you.
You’ve Lost Your Sense of Self
Some people commit all of their energy and resources to a relationship. They are no longer an individual and only see themselves as part of the relationship. Once you lose sight of yourself, the relationship becomes flawed.
The Relationship Feels Unbalanced or Codependent
So many aspects of relationships exist in balance. When the balance shifts too much, the relationship struggles. Whether you care too little about your partner or you care too much about the relationship, this imbalance will shift the relationship in unhealthy directions.
You Seek Out Relationships to Avoid Being Alone
Never being alone and continuing to jump into new relationships is a sign of unhealthy emotional attachment. When you don’t allow the space to build a relationship with yourself then you become co-dependent on others to get needs met. In turn, you emotionally tether yourself to someone that can potentially be a barrier to your overall growth. Also, you are more likely to settle for situations that can be emotionally harmful, counterproductive, and stagnant.
You Stay in Harmful Relationships
If you stay in a relationship that severely triggers depression, anxiety, past trauma, and overall stress then this is a sign of unhealthy emotional attachment. It is important to recognize if you are sacrificing your mental health to stay connected to a person. Even though it may seem like staying in the relationship will be beneficial in the end it is detrimental to your health.
What Are the Signs of Healthy Emotional Attachment?
If you are experiencing healthy emotional attachment within your relationship, you should feel:
- Close and connected to that person
- Comfortable with being vulnerable, open, and trusting towards that person
- That you can rely on that person to be responsive and available to your needs
- Confident in your ability of self-expression within the relationship
- Secure in the relationship
Why Is Letting Go of an Emotional Attachment So Hard?
There are three major reasons why it is difficult to “let go” of unhealthy attachment:
1. You Are Programmed With a Basic Need for Connection
All of your attachment needs come from the relationships you had with your parents or caregivers. If you experienced unreliable, inconsistent, and non-responsive attachment during childhood then you will continue to attempt to fill these voids in adulthood.
However, without a healthy blueprint on knowing how to do this. You are more likely to involve yourself in relationships that cannot truly satisfy what you are seeking. Your desire to be emotionally attached is not wrong. It just needs to be re-calibrated on how to do this in a healthy manner
2. You’ve Formed Strong Emotional Bonds With Someone
When you emotionally attach to someone, it has significance based on time (we have been together x amount of years), comparison (they were this way in the past), sympathy (they will be hurt without me), responsibility (I owe it to them), or hope (they will change in the future). When you have these bonds, it is difficult to let go of relationships or situations that are no longer healthy.
3. You Have a Fear of Abandonment
Even if you find a relationship to be toxic or dissatisfactory you tend to remain in the relationship because of one primary emotion: fear of being abandoned. Fear keeps us stuck in unhealthy attachments. Studies point out that fear’s primary job is to prevent isolation, loneliness, and loss.1 Think about the times you wanted to end a relationship, but you retreated because of fear.
This happens because of the distress that arises when separation threatens an attachment bond. Your brain processes this as potential for vulnerability, danger, and helplessness.4 It is imperative to understand your personal reasons for why it is difficult to “let go.” This awareness will help you make the transition to leave from an unhealthy attachment.
How Do You “Break” an Emotional Bond With Someone?
It is always difficult to make that first step in breaking off unhealthy emotional attachment. Not only is it scary, but the threat of being alone is intimidating to your sense of well-being. Breaking off an unhealthy emotional attachment starts with you recognizing that you truly want to be happy. Once you can be honest and vulnerable with yourself you can take the necessary action to leave toxic relationships or situations.
Reflect On Your Relationship Patterns
Find an area in which you can be by yourself so you can reflect on your current relationship. Identify if it is based on healthy emotional attachment or unhealthy emotional attachment. Ask yourself if you feel capable of satisfying your emotional needs or do you primarily rely on your partner? Lastly, ask yourself what emotional bonds keep you locked into the relationship.
Don’t be afraid to be truthful with yourself. Your answers may not conclude that the relationship will end. However, it can provide an opportunity for more balance and healing in your life.
Get Support From Friends & Loved Ones
This does not mean transferring your emotional attachment to them. Instead, allow this support system to help you make brave decisions that allow you to focus on yourself. The fear of being alone can make you cling to toxic situations. Having the support of friends and family can help alleviate this fear of loneliness. If you don’t feel comfortable with this support system another alternative would be to find a support group that you can lean on.
Prioritize Your Relationship With Yourself!
Taking responsibility and ownership of emotional needs is healthy. This does not mean you have to do everything alone. However, it is important to explore how you can build love, commitment, trust, reliability, comfort, and security within yourself. Sometimes we give other people the responsibility to take care of our emotional needs. Again, this can lead to unhealthy situations. To help you break away from unhealthy emotional attachment you must be willing to identify what you need to be happy.
Shift Your Behaviors
Relationship patterns are difficult to change. As much as you can mentally convince yourself it is problematic, you can only break the emotional bond when you change your behaviors. Avoid the person and triggers that remind you of them. At the same time, spend more time moving towards healthy, exciting, and new behaviors that improve your mental and physical well-being.
Change Your Environment
Running away from your problems is never recommended, but at times, you can benefit from a change of scenery. You can accomplish this by moving to a new place or by simply redecorating your home. Taking a different route to the store or going to a new restaurant can be simple ways to break away from toxic patterns.
Talk With a Trusted Therapist
A great support for working through emotional attachment issues is finding a therapist. In therapy, you can work through the origin of your attachment issues and have a better understanding of why they impact your current relationships. Also, you will be able to explore how emotional attachment affects existing disorders such as depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Another benefit of going to therapy is that it provides a safe space to process emotions and feelings.
Final Thoughts on Emotional Attachment
Building emotional regulation can help you obtain healthy emotional attachments within relationships. The therapeutic relationship is a good example of what healthy emotional attachment looks like in a relationship. Remember, if you’re dealing with an unhealthy attachment, you’re not alone. Talking to a therapist or reaching out to a trusted friend or family member can make a big difference in how you feel.
For Further Reading
- Find the right online therapy provider for you in our industry roundup
- Check out some of the best books for confidence
- Find inspiration and guidance in these self improvement books
- NAMI Support Groups
- MentalHealth.gov
Emotional Attachment Infographics
