Overthinking in relationships can lead to a myriad of challenges. Essentially, you’re living in the future or the past and aren’t able to be emotionally available for your partner in the moment. You can find yourself experiencing significant emotional distress because of the anxiety that comes from overthinking. However, being willing to confront overthinking can lead to healthier relationships.
Here are 11 tips for how to stop overthinking in relationships:
1. Reflect on Why You’re Overthinking
While this seems self-explanatory, the truth is that overthinking can occur without you realizing it. Take some time away from distractions to mentally explore the cause for your overthinking.1 Many times, it’s just easier to jump to the worst-case scenario without thinking through the reasons why you’re doing it.
2. Explore Any Control Issues
Overthinking can come from a desire to control the situation or your partner’s behaviors. Being excessively controlling may indicate that your relationship has an unhealthy dynamic.3 Consider what’s within the realm of your control and what isn’t. While you can’t change what is said to you or how your partner behaves, you can control your reactions and decisions.
3. Implement Mindfulness Practices
Grounding exercises can help you be more focused in the present and less likely to turn towards your internal dialogue. Mindfulness practices can also help you self-regulate when you’re feeling strong emotions and calmly approach conflict resolution.4 Meditation, taking deep breaths, or engaging your senses are all mindfulness practices to address overthinking.
4. Practice Clear Communication
Talk to your partner about your concerns and when you feel anxious. Make eye contact and listen to understand their perspective instead of listening to respond.5 It’s also important to practice giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and time to share without interrupting.6 You may not always know when you’re overthinking, but keeping the lines of communication clear can help you to feel more emotionally safe.
5. Give Your Thoughts an Outlet
Overthinking can be an indication of a strong internal dialogue. This means that you may find yourself constantly thinking about the relationship, even when other things require your attention. Start writing in a journal or expressing your thoughts in other ways.7 Journaling can help you put words to your thoughts and manage your stress in a healthy way.
6. Question Your Thoughts & Feelings
Feelings aren’t facts. Take a moment to identify if your overthinking is feeling-based or fact-based. Are you imagining that your partner doesn’t love you or have they intentionally started to distance themselves from you? Are you overthinking because of something that has occurred in the past or is it something you don’t want to occur in the future?
7. Identify Your Desired Outcome
Consider what you want overall from your partner and the relationship. Do you want more connection? Do you want more clarity? Think about where you want your relationship to grow and if you see long term potential. Knowing your goal can help you make healthy decisions about your relationship.
8. Explore Your Own Interests
It’s not healthy for one person to be the sole source of companionship and fun. Find a hobby outside of your relationship.8 It doesn’t need to be a business or a source of income, but it does need to bring you joy. The more balance you have in your relationship, the less likely you’ll be to overthink.
9. Take Accountability
It’s OK to have doubts, so don’t be afraid to own them. Overthinking may have more to do with your fears or past experiences than your present partner. It’s important for you to share your relationships expectations with your partner and recognize if there were any times where you didn’t fully share but held your partner to an uncommunicated standard.9
10. Find the Truth in Your Overthinking
Take some time to self-reflect on if there’s any truth to your overthinking. Is it a narrative that you’re making up in your head or is there a legitimate reason as to why? Has there been a recent stressful event? Have your partner’s habits changed? Evaluate what you’re thinking and if you’re imagining the worst possible outcome or internalizing a belief that you don’t deserve love or a relationship.10
11. Face Your Fears
Identify what fears are fueling your overthinking and explore them through therapy. Fear can be a potent fuel for overthinking. You may fear losing the relationship or losing your sense of self. It’s also possible that you may fear rejection or feel like you’re missing out on someone who may be a better fit for you.11
Why Do People Overthink in Relationships?
“Different people overthink in romantic relationships for different reasons. There are at least three times when it is normal to over focus on one’s romantic relationship:
- In adolescence when everything about a romantic relationship is new
- During the “falling in love” phase
- When the relationship is having serious trouble
For #1 & #2 above, it is usually not distressing; for #3, seek help from a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Psychologist (PhD or PsyD), or Counselor (MA) with expertise in treating couples. If you have a pattern of overthinking in your relationships, you may have an “anxious” romantic attachment style (ARAS). People with an ARAS tend to be preoccupied or even fearful about things being wrong with them &/or their relationship. Ironically, their somewhat desperate attempts to stay connected often wind up driving their partner away. Thankfully, therapy is very commonly used to help people change their ARAS.” – Patricia “Trish” L. Kaminski, PhD, associate professor of psychology at the University of North Texas
How Therapy Can Help
Therapists come from a variety of backgrounds and can have numerous special areas of practice; however, if you’re looking to get support for overthinking, it’s a good idea to work with a therapist who has a relational lens. A therapist who specializes in the development of healthy relationships can help you gain more insight into your internal dialogue about relationships.
Overthinking can also be an indication that it’s time to start exploring options for couples therapy as you work to become more emotionally connected and mutually trusting. If so, take steps to prepare for couples therapy before it begins. Therapy can help you learn the skills to confront negative thinking patterns and address the fears behind your overthinking behaviors.
One simple way to find a therapist is to visit an online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts
Overthinking can be a sign of underlying issues in your relationship or in your life. You may be more prone to overthinking if you experience a lot of relationship anxiety or worry on a regular basis. Take the time to invest in your emotional well-being. With the proper support along with patience, you’ll be able to successfully manage overthinking behaviors.
How to Stop Overthinking in a Relationship Infographics
