Overthinking in relationships can lead to numerous challenges. When you overthink, you’re either dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, making it difficult to be emotionally present for your partner. This can result in significant emotional distress and anxiety. However, being willing to confront overthinking can lead to healthier relationships.
Are You Constantly Needing “Reassurance” in Relationships?
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12 Ways to Stop Overthinking in a Relationship
Overthinking in a relationship can be damaging to your mental health and the health of the relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of rumination, worry, and doubt, especially when emotions run high. Whether it’s second-guessing your partner’s intentions, replaying conversations in your head, or constantly fearing the worst, overthinking can create unnecessary stress and tension.
Here are 12 effective ways to stop overthinking in a relationship:
1. Reflect on Why You’re Overthinking
While this seems self-explanatory, the truth is that overthinking can occur without you realizing it. Take some time away from distractions to mentally explore the cause for your overthinking.1 Many times, it’s just easier to jump to the worst-case scenario without thinking through the reasons why you’re doing it. When you know why you’re doing it, you can start to find ways to stop yourself from overthinking.
2. Explore Any Control Issues
Overthinking can come from a desire to control the situation or your partner’s behaviors. Being excessively controlling may indicate that your relationship has an unhealthy dynamic.3 Consider what’s within the realm of your control and what isn’t. While you can’t change what is said to you or how your partner behaves, you can control your reactions and decisions.
3. Implement Mindfulness Practices
Grounding exercises can help you be more focused in the present and less likely to turn towards your internal dialogue of ruminating thoughts. Mindfulness practices can also help you self-regulate when you’re feeling strong emotions and calmly approach conflict resolution.4 Meditation, taking deep breaths, or engaging your senses are all mindfulness practices to address overthinking.
4. Practice Clear Communication
Talk to your partner about your concerns and when you feel anxious. Make eye contact and listen to understand their perspective instead of listening to respond.5 It’s also important to practice giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and time to share without interrupting.6 You may not always know when you’re overthinking, or if you’re taking things too personally, but keeping the lines of communication clear can help you to feel more emotionally safe.
5. Give Your Thoughts an Outlet
Overthinking can be an indication of a strong internal dialogue. This means that you may find yourself constantly thinking about the relationship or having ruminating thoughts even when other things require your attention. Start writing in a journal or expressing your thoughts in other ways.7 Journaling can help you put words to your thoughts and manage your stress in a healthy way.
6. Question Your Thoughts & Feelings
Feelings aren’t facts. Take a moment to identify if your overthinking is feeling-based or fact-based. Are you imagining that your partner doesn’t love you or have they intentionally started to distance themselves from you? Are you overthinking because of something that has occurred in the past or is it something you don’t want to occur in the future?
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7. Identify Your Desired Outcome
Consider what you want overall from your partner and the relationship. Do you want more connection? Do you want more clarity? Think about where you want your relationship to grow and if you see long term potential. Knowing your goal can help you make healthy decisions about your relationship.
8. Explore Your Own Interests
It’s not healthy for one person to be the sole source of companionship and fun. Find a hobby outside of your relationship.8 It doesn’t need to be a business or a source of income, but it does need to bring you joy. The more balance you have in your relationship, the less likely you’ll be to overthink.
9. Take Accountability
It’s OK to have doubts, so don’t be afraid to own them. Overthinking may have more to do with your fears or past experiences than your present partner. It’s important for you to share your relationship expectations with your partner and recognize if there were any times where you didn’t fully share, but held your partner to an uncommunicated standard.9
10. Find the Truth in Your Overthinking
Take some time to self-reflect on if there’s any truth to your overthinking. Is it a narrative that you’re making up in your head or is there a legitimate reason as to why? Has there been a recent stressful event? Have your partner’s habits changed? Evaluate what you’re thinking and if you’re imagining the worst possible outcome or internalizing a belief that you don’t deserve love or a relationship.10
11. Face Your Fears
Identify what fears are fueling your overthinking and explore them through therapy. Fear can be a potent fuel for overthinking. You may fear losing the relationship or losing your sense of self. It’s also possible that you may fear rejection or feel like you’re missing out on someone who may be a better fit for you.11
12. Reconnect & Bond With Your Partner
Overthinking often originates from a lack of trust. Rebuilding trust in your relationship can help ease the anxiety that fuels overthinking. Spend quality time together, engage in open and honest communication, and express appreciation for each other. By reconnecting and strengthening your bond, you can create a sense of security and intimacy that reduces doubts and encourages a more peaceful state of mind.
Why Do People Overthink in Relationships?
There are many reasons why people overthink in relationships, often rooted in past experiences and personal insecurities. One common cause is a lack of trust, which may come from a partner’s past infidelity. When trust is broken, it can be challenging to let go of doubts and fears, leading to constant rumination about the partner’s actions and intentions.
Another reason for overthinking is low self-esteem. Individuals who doubt their own worth may constantly question their partner’s love and commitment, seeking reassurance through excessive analysis of their partner’s words and behaviors. Additionally, unresolved emotional baggage from previous relationships can contribute to overthinking, as people project past hurts onto their current relationship, fearing a repeat of negative experiences.
“People overthink in romantic relationships for different reasons. There are at least three times when it is normal to over-focus on one’s romantic relationship:
- In adolescence when everything about a romantic relationship is new
- During the “falling in love” phase
- When the relationship is having serious trouble
For adolescent relationships and the new, “falling in love” phase of a relationship, it is usually not distressing to think about it constantly or overthink everything. If you’re in a relationship that is having serious trouble, on the other hand, seek help from a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Psychologist (PhD or PsyD), or Counselor (MA) with expertise in treating couples. If you have a pattern of overthinking in your relationships, you may have an anxious attachment style, or anxious romantic attachment style (ARAS). People with an ARAS tend to be preoccupied or even fearful about things being wrong with them &/or their relationship. Ironically, their somewhat desperate attempts to stay connected often wind up driving their partner away. Thankfully, therapy is very commonly used to help people change their ARAS.”
How Therapy Can Help
If you’re looking to get support for overthinking, it’s a good idea to work with a therapist who specializes in the development of healthy relationships to help you gain more insight into your internal dialogue about relationships. Talkspace is a great online therapy option for individual and couples therapy.
Overthinking can also be an indication that it’s time to start exploring options for couples therapy as you work to become more emotionally connected and mutually trusting. If so, take steps to prepare for couples therapy before it begins. Therapy can help you learn the skills to confront negative thinking patterns and address the fears behind your overthinking behaviors.
One simple way to find the right therapist is to visit an online therapist directory.
Do You Constantly Need “Reassurance” in Relationships?
If you’re obsessively thinking about whether your partner cares about you and needing reassurance, working with a professional may help. OurRitual is a new, hybrid approach to couples therapy that includes weekly expert sessions in addition to self-guided work. OurRitual starts at just $36 per week. Get 20% off your first month with code: choosingtherapy20
In My Experience
“Overthinking can be a sign of underlying issues in your relationship or in your life. You may be more prone to overthinking if you experience a lot of relationship anxiety or worry on a regular basis. Take the time to invest in your emotional well-being. With the proper support along with patience, you’ll be able to successfully manage overthinking behaviors.”
How to Stop Overthinking in a Relationship Infographics
ChoosingTherapy.com strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
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Porter, J. (2017, March 21). Why You Should Make TIme for Self Reflection (Even if You Hate Doing It). Retrieved from Harvard Business Review: https://hbr.org/2017/03/why-you-should-make-time-for-self-reflection-even-if-you-hate-doing-it
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Evaire, L., Dozois, D. J., & Wilde, J. (2022). The Contribution of Attachment Styles and Reassurance Seeking to Trust in Romantic Partners. Europe’s Journal of Psychology, 19-39.
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University of Wisconsin Oshkosh. (2022). Power and Control in Dating Relationship. Retrieved from University of Wisconsin Oshkosh: https://www.uwosh.edu/care/healthy-relationships/power-and-control-in-dating-relationships
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Karandish, M. (2019). The Role and Effect of Mindfulness In Intimate Relationships. Retrieved from Clinical Psychology Commons: https://aura.antioch.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi
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Lawson, K. (2016). Work on Communication for Healthy Relationships. Retrieved from Taking Charge: https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/work-communication-healthy-relationships
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Medcalf, A. (2022). Abby Medcalf PhD. Retrieved from Building Trust in Your Relationship: https://abbymedcalf.com/building-trust-in-your-relationship/
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University of Rochester. (2022). Health Encyclopedia. Retrieved from Journaling for Mental Health: https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx
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Frye, J. (2019, February 14). How Have Marriage and Relationships Changed Over Time? Retrieved from The Johns Hopkins Newsletter: https://www.jhunewsletter.com/article/2019/02/how-have-marriage-and-relationships-changed-over-time
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Coleman, J. (2012, August 30). Harvard Business Review. Retrieved from Take Ownership of Your Actions by Taking Responsibility: https://hbr.org/2012/08/take-ownership-of-your-actions
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Sparks, D. (2019, May 29). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from Mayo Mindfulness: Overcoming Negative Self Talk: https://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/discussion/mayo-mindfulness-overcoming-negative-self-talk
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Gupta, M., & Sharma, A. (2014). Fear of missing out: A brief overview of origin, theoretical underpinnings and relationship with mental health. World Journal of Clinical Cases, 4881-4889. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8283615/
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Author: Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW (No Change)
Medical Reviewer: Rajy Abulhosn, MD (No Change)
Primary Changes: New infographics added. Fact checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.
Author: Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW
Reviewer:Rajy Abulhosn, MD
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